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imagine being loved by han seojun

#true beauty #seojun #i just blacked out

200117 nature republic website update

#i just blacked out #theyve got him modeling mascara he was MADE for this w his long ass eyelashes #kim jongdae #chen #jongdae #exo #nature republic

Something inside of me (deep, deep inside me) but something I require to go on nonetheless, is unbearably vain. It tells me that everyone should love me because there is no one more lovely, no one more delightful, not one person better than me. It tells me that everyone who turns away from me is irredeemable and awful. But then there’s everything else in me that tells me the exact opposite. Were there someone out there in some corner of this vast universe who would like me as I am, the world would just end. Because whatever entity programmed us and mapped out every second of what was, what is, and what is to come, just can’t comprehend the idea of me with someone that’s not me, even though they can comprehend just about everything else there is. Here’s the thing; I know most everyone has it worse than me. Still I can say without feeling like I’m lying that I suffer more than anyone has ever suffered and that it’s what I deserve.

(My god, even when I hate myself, I do it selfishly.)

I was thinking (because it is better than talking to people who are both less than and more than me) that Narcissus must be yet another ill-fated ancestor of mine. He joins the ranks of my grandmother who had to marry the most handsome man in her village because the one she really liked could not compare to her beauty, and that was important to her somehow. He must be part of my DNA somehow because I feel his curse everywhere. Imagine never being able to tear yourself from your own loveliness, from the grotesque things about you, and then name something worse than that. My god, vanity must be a family heirloom, for I tend to it like it’s something precious, as my father tended to it, and as his mother tended to it, and as her mother tended to it, and so on and so on and so on. I’ll let you in on a family secret: vanity, to be sure, innate, but it can be grown. It must be maintained and groomed, kept on a healthy diet so it doesn’t take up all the space in your head. Just most of it is fine.

#i just blacked out #writing