──────────────────ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴋɪʟʟs ғᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜ | ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 10──────────────────
summary: f!reader is a writer who rents a house in the middle of nowhere to finish her second book. she doesn't know that there is someone else in the woods. stalker. someone who feels connection to her because of her work, because of the story she chose to write. while she's working on her story, there is a lurking shadow, whose obsessive love will turn the events of this getaway trip. chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 11 trigger warnings: +18 (nsfw), obsessive behavior, swearing, smudge of prey/hunter, guns, nightmares, bleeding, talking about trauma, angst/hurt. Mentions of: parent's death, killing, abuse . Let me know if i missed any. word count: 6.2k (reading time : 23 mins) divider: coolcatsgraphics authors note: this is a mess, but since we're coming to an end, slowly, i need to say... thank you for being there for my ideas, mistakes, weird choices and for my character Jay. i hope it will make you feel things, as it did for me.
It was snow all over me. Consumed me. I was standing here for centuries. Decaying. Only the falling of snowflakes. The only sound. Them hitting my jacket and melting into the fabric. Empty. Forest was empty. My hands almost red from the cold. Gun in my palm. Knuckles the only pale part from clenching. Eyes drifting to it. When did I pick this up? Why the memory of it faded, like ink on paper, took it's life in time. Lost track of time. I felt it. Burning sensation in my stomach. Gut wrenching stench. Wanted to move but my feet frozen in place, grip of soft snow turned into steel handcuffs.
" Now, will you aim or gonna just stand there?" His raspy voice. I didn't hear it in years. I didn't look. Invisible choker on my throat. And just like that I became a child again. Afraid again. Fingers tighten on the trigger. Deep breaths. Snow dancing around. His finger pointed into branches. Looking for the target. The only one was standing behind my back but I couldn't turn to him. I killed you. Why are you here? I buried you in my mind and in the ground. Why are you here? Like a corpse just rotting inside me, not leaving the living organism. Parasite moving me by the strings which don't exists.
I saw what he was talking about , whispering in my ear like a devil on my shoulder. Looking straight, his imagery blurred on my side. I pointed. Marked it. Shot it. Deer. Thud in my ears. Ringing after it. "Good, proud of you", his words made me sick. I wanted to throw up but couldn't move. He passed me. His skull was open. Brain matter dropping around him as he walked. My doing. Why I felt wrong for this? He deserved it. All of it. Even more. It was my choice of salvation for him.
Following him at last. His blood trail. He was smiling but his eyes were white, one of them at least, the other one was blown out by a bullet. " Perfect shot , as always" He smiled while getting to the ground. Kill him again. Paint white snow red with what left of it. My eyes fixated on his broken moments. I hate you, I hate you so much. I loathe you. Why don't you just stay dead?
You. You laying on the snow. Eyes blank. Bleeding through hole in your head. Straight bullseye. " No" I said to myself but it came out muffled. " No" I repeated, fell to my knees, covering the blood. But it poured and it poured. My fingers getting crimson red. Lips shaking. All white turning red. White paper turning into bloodshed. My dad laughing at me. His chuckle the only sound I heard. "I'm sorry, Y/N" Eyes watery, can't see anything.
I took you in my arms. Squeezing the life back, but you were gone. Gray blueish lips open, black pupils expanded. Your hair strands sticky from the liquid. Red metallic smell carrying blood. He was walking away from this, further in ruby colored trees. Your face hiding in my neck. "Come on" I said with a whimper, chin trembling, holding in the tears. He made me do it. No. My fault. I did this.
"Jay.." Your hand on my own. The one around your throat. I backed out. Your eyes glued to me. " I'm sorry" I said without the thought. "I'm sorry" Repeating it again, this just time with clearer head. Mouth dry. " I think you had a nightmare" You said clearing your throat. My hands gripping the sweatpants. I fell asleep, just laid my head closer to you, and I dozed off. Didn't plan to do it. "I'm sorry" I said again, repeating it like a mantra. Apologies doesn't mean a thing if you never fix it.
Snow danced behind the window just as in my dream. Strom ended. You can leave now. You can walk away. The wheels won't take you far but you can manage, there's nothing here left for you " What did you dream of?" You asked while your hands were hugging your own knees, closer to your body. Holding yourself in embrace. I can lie, you wouldn't know "You, but my dad was there too, I guess this place brings bad memories to the surface" My eyes glued to the palms, facing myself.
It felt wrong, even in the dream. Wanted to chuckle at this scenario, how I didn't even blink to kill people in rental, and I whimper at the thought of your cold body in my arms in a nightmare. " I killed you in it" I said quietly, confession which was not meant to be said, not asked of. Your eyes on me, I felt them skinning me. Silence. Ask something to make this less suffocating. " I would never" I turned my head to you. I needed to confirm this. Even so, you saw me raw, without any masks. The true face behind characters I made up. " Your dreams are usually like that?" Not acknowledging what I've said, like it was stigma to talk about. " Not really, I don't dream of…" I stopped talking. Your preference to be open was merging with me too easily. Lines I drew being erased. " What?" Your lips were slightly up, friendly nudge to speak up.
"No, Y/N" I stood up. Just taking myself out of this area. Dangerous for me. Put more wood in the fireplace. It slowly devouring cut up pieces. My hair was dry. You with slippers and my t-shirt. Flame moving. My eyes reflecting it. "Do you think there's anything else you would surprise me with? You killed three people" Three? You're not counting last one? Taking that number yourself? Knife in the back didn't killed him, love… I did.
" Four" I said while getting on the floor in front of fireplace. Wrong counting on my behalf. You shook your head but walked closer, taking one of the blankets from the sofa and covering yourself. I looked at you from above. Praying. Down, watching up to you from above. Just take my face, put it wherever you want. The urge to slowly walk the fingers up your thigh was ruined when you sat next to me. "Four?" Your eyes flickering. Flame moving in them too. Do you want to know? Do you really want to be pulled further into the dark?
"More" I said without blinking. Not breaking the glance. "Two more" I said, breathing deeper. The weight of it. You were biting your lip from the inside. "Your dad?" You asked but last word was barely there, I read it in your lips. Why suddenly I felt this clog in my throat? I didn't want to cry. Not for him. Not for this. Was it guilt? Or the truth trying to escape. Your fingers deep into my guts, taking everything out into the open. I nodded. Eyes to your hands on blanket, like it could lift up to direct contact to my face? To knock me out? The only person I told this. Leverage, you have it all.
"Here?" In the same tone as the wood cracking. Silent, like a touch of butterfly flying around you but never truly brushing your face. " That's why you having nightmares of him?" I shook my head. " It was more like a nightmare, of you…" Looked back. No hate, just genuine interest. I didn't know if you wanted to know this to see me in direct light, to get ideas for your book or to actually know me, because you felt something for me? Not the urges, not the itch you get to feed. The real warning in the heart. " I don't dream of people I killed" I finished the sentence which was left in the air before.
"He.. he hurt you" Doubt for a second. My eyes following yours. Room stood still. They hurt you too, that's why I killed them, needed to wipe them of this world. But this. You were trying to justify my actions. Is this feeling sorry? Or you could say that you felt something more intense? Could you just tell me and live by it? Hopeful. But it was done. You waited for me to say more and the words never slipped those perfectly rose color lips. Petals didn't touch my mouth to shut it, you wanted it to drip all the intel from me. But I kept writing the script wrong. Read it wrong.
"I shot him" My nail scratching the cut on my finger which was healed up for a long time. " Hunting accident" Eyes fixated on the thin red line on reopened wound. Metaphorically and realistically. " He's too young, it was an accident, how could he know?" Mimicking the police officers and looking back to you. Why? Why my eyes twitching, trying to hold the tears. I don't care about him. I hated him. Your lips open to speak but you stay silent. Your hand on my palms. Calming, but it doesn't help. Fire started to spread.
" Teenager, who pulled the trigger" Voice trembling. Anger boiling inside. What are you doing to me? I'm weak, I'm vulnerable and tiny ant under your shoe, slowly leaving me with less and less space to move. " Straight to the eye socket, it went through the back of his skull" I shrugged my shoulders, tears falling on me cheeks. Not a big deal. It's nothing. I don't feel nothing. Biting the skin inside my mouth. Taste of blood. " Closer range, I was laying for better shot, that's why it didn't go straight, you know?" I smiled. Salty water on my lips. I never told this anyone. It hurt. Your dark dots following my movements. My lower lip was bloody?
Cold hands. You should warm up. I looked away. You don't need to see this. Pathetic. Useless. Weak. His voice repeating the things I believed for so long. Your palm on my face. Wet cheek sticking to your fingers. Leaned in, eyes closed, couldn't bear to look at you at his exact moment, overflowing myself. Some guy who got into your rental, who didn't flinch and killed people with his own hands. Someone who is losing part of him each time there's an opening for you to flee. Are you my safe home? Are you my box keeping all the bad things about me inside yourself? Knowing you are close would heal me? I am better because I feel this sick, dreadful, endless yearning for you?
" He was a monster" Soft voice touching my eardrums. Lashes glued with each other from tears. I placed my own hand to yours, covering it. " And I'm a killer, you can't change that" I sniffled. Eyes met. Faces so close to each other, you could feel words linger on the skin "Bound to hurt people?" You asked brushing my face, it was calming, you trying to make me physically weak, your fingers needles of anesthetic, before pushing a blade inside me. "Not you" Trance of your touch was a truth serum " But everyone who would try to do that to you". You stopped moving your hand. Did i ruined it again? I opened my eyes fully, need to asses the damage. Your gaze was already piercing me, trying to solve the puzzle.
Glance. You looking at me, pupils just slightly lower and back to eyes. I wanted to ask. But we're beyond that. I leaned in. Pressing my lips to yours. Your hands catching my face. Palm to the floor, to hold myself beside you. Dark. Just to feel each other. Closed eyes before the impact. Your hand on my chest, holding the distance. My fingers on your cheek. Lips moving slowly. Taste. Salty, soft, true. A peck. Catching lower lips between mine. And another one. Cracking sound of the shoulder moving closer to you. A smile in my lips. You looked up. Eyes gentle. I didn't see fear. It was real. Can I just push you on the flooring? Your eyes slowly turned down and lips from passion changed into frown. "I need to change it" You stood up right after. I didn't understand what you were talking about until I looked at the bandage. Yes, right, my fingers.
You found plastic box with a red cross on it. On your knees right next to me. Taking the bandage. It got stuck on the skin where the nails were suppose to be "It might hurt" you said with that wrinkle in between your eyebrows, showing concentration. It hurts everyday Y/N, without you next to me, it's torture. This pain is temporary. The ache without you by my side, that's the real agony. I squinted while you ripped it. My palm on your thighs while you slowly turning as you please, putting meds and new gear on them. Focused to make it work, while my brown eyes couldn't take any other direction, just yours.
I love you. Maybe it seems wrong for any other sane person, for me it's the only thing I can feel. I could kill, I could weep, scream, smile, joke, just be me, you see it. Maybe in some way you are really fucked up as I am. How you could explain this? Captured for once, free at last and staying in the cage? It's open, fly away. You know that in my nature, the only thing I could do is to eat you alive. Like a cat moving metal home, I'm hypnotized by you, but if you try to escape, the only instinct is to sink my teeth into your body.
"Like new" You said pointing your hand to mine on your legs. Putting me in one piece. "You're hungry?" I asked leaning back. I know I was. " A little but..." I got up. " I'll make something, this time you would eat it? " Looking back at you, talking about the first thing i made and you sticking a fork into my ribs. You covering yourself with blanket and shaking your head to a nod. Opened few cabinets to check what is left. Not a lot of options. The cassette in my player. There was a lot of options from 00s here too. This might show the true colors of this. I pressed play.
"Oh my god" you said laughing . " Come on, doubt you actually don't like it" I said smiling while putting rice in already boiling water. You sitting on barstool and eating chopped up vegetables from the tray. Frozen berries in the small bowl, ice defrosting. It also stuck on the second song, not from the beginning. I walked to you. " And this is how you remind" Moving slightly to the side. You covering your eyes, shaking your head, cheeks getting red, awkward isn't it? " It' not like you saying sorry" singalong to the record player. Taking your hands and pushing it closer to me "No, I don't" Blanket dropped. My hands around your waist, while you were still covering yourself in my embrace. Moving around the kitchen. The tears dry out, it didn't happen. You were warm, not like in my dream.
"And I've been wrong, I've been down" Pounding on my chest with a clenched fist with a smile on my face. You just chuckling but singing behind those palms. "This is how you remind" Slowly moving together, voices becoming unison. " And I've been wrong" Both screaming our lungs out, stumping our feet to the floor, rhythm, louder than the cassette was playing. You moving around, spinning, hair flying. While I stopped" Are we having fun yet" Mouthing the words but not singing them anymore. Mesmerized by your wide smile and hair scattered around your face. I want you to know more than the kills. I can take a scalper and open it myself, if you don't want to see it beat inside my chest, I can do it myself.
Other song played. "Oh, shit" You ran to the stove. Water from boiling rice were leaking. I stood still. You took the lid off. This will pass. It kept hitting me. You will leave. You have a life. I don't. The smile will fade. Reality will crush you. This imagination bubble will pop. Storm won't hide cabin for long. They will find me at some point. It might take some time, but they will. Police will put blanket on you , and cuffs on me. Making the distance even bigger. They won't care what you have to say. Evidence will show the truth. Label you with Stockholm syndrome. You pouring rice in bowls, one cracked a little. I snorted a laugh. The irony of it.
Sitting at the kitchen bar and eating rice with some vegetables. Berries in water. Ice melted. Same cassette still playing. "So" I inhaled my words but you were speaking over me " I" we both smiled " You go first" In unison, the song kept it, the dialogue were already written by someone, we're just reciting it. You looked away , hiding your lips. I gestured to you, " Ladies first”. My heart rushing. I stopped eating. Cracked bowl was almost empty. You turned on the seat to me. Knees slightly touching mine. Arms crossed. Defensive. I didn’t need to be, but I was afraid and eager to know what you will say. You biting your lip, nail on lower lip. You thinking of a sentence. Always did that when you got into alley with no exit.
My eyes softened. Lurking inside your eyes, deep like an ocean. Drowning. "Could you teach me how to shoot?" I woke up from the dream I was having before it was even starting, " What? " I asked confused, blinking few times. You lost me, did I accidently fell asleep again? " Well, I saw few guns here and targets in the back , in the forest" You looked straight through me to the bedroom, they were visible from the window. I looked back. My lips pressed together. Images of you just shooting me in the stomach and running away. Brains self sabotaging me. No, you wouldn't do that. I trust you.
That's not what I expected at all. " I mean if you wan-" You smiled and jumped off the barstool. Going to the room , to get clothes. Warmer ones. Why it felt like I was stuck in commercial break. Not the main movie. Is this you stretching time? You know you can leave , take the keys and drive. Get to the station, have your story told and live your life. I should also make a run at this point or… You got out with oversized hoodie. You had your bag. You had your clothes. Yet you chose mine. Took one raspberry from the bowl, fingers turned light red from the juice. Putting it into my mouth. One drop slipping on my lip, licking it off.
Put black beanie, my hoodie, boots didn't with with sweatpants, but oh well. Jacket and gloves. You walking with my clothes, the only that fit you was the jacket, yours. Getting through snow to the backyard. Winter fairytale. Froze in time for us. It was not on my bingo card. Now it just seemed acted out. You giving me my last meal before sending me to a chair. But I wouldn't pick this option as the last thing I would do.
You almost fell, my fingers reached for you as reflex. Almost lost balance myself. "Gotcha" I said, fog forming around us from the word. It was cold. Glance. My palm still on your wrist. You looked at the gesture. Time going slower. " Let's go" You said and your hand went for it. Fingers in mine. Yanking my hand because I didn't move. Stubborn child. Even with gloves, I felt warmth. Following you like a dog to put out of his misery in the backyard.
Behind your back, helping you hold it, your hands red. Mine was too. "Put safety off, like this" I pushed it. "These has to align for you to hit it" Pointing, your serious face made me smile. Nodding. "No, don't be so stiff, breathe while you take your shot" I walked to the side and turned my head to the targets. What if I turn and you pointing it at me? Shooting my heart, leaving it inside the chest, bullet squirming like a worm. What if the dream meant that I'll bleed out on the snow because it was your choice to end it here? But I heard the echo of a shot, and it hit the tree, not me. Saliva going down my throat.
"Oh, that's actually close" I clapped two times. Your sigh" Not even close" Disappointment in your voice. One of those you want to be good at everything at first try? That's a new fact for me. I guess you learn something about people when you are closer to them. Not following them in rain at Thursday's evening after work, but actually communicating. That seems ages ago. The fact that I chose to stalk you rather than actually talk to you. Something asking yourself what if is much easier then going for it.
"Try again" I looked back at you after staring too long at the ground beneath us. You shook your head " No, you try" I chuckled , " What? " You asked with a smile, your eyes was almost hidden because of a beanie," You sure it wasn't because you can't see shit with that ?" I nodded to your attire. " Pff, no" You rolled your eyes." Also, I don't need to try, I would hit all of them" You crossed your arms, lifting your weight on one leg " Someone is cocky, prove it" You gestured gun to me " Y/N, careful , it's loaded" I said it in monotone, your eyes wider, realization " I'm so sorry" Holding it in your finger tips right after it. Like it just became something disgusting. Which it always has been. Wrong hands can use it to end someone's life.
Left. Right one and the last in the far distance. Red parts were breached by a bullet. "What the fuck" You said but your mouth stayed open like you were trying to collect it. " See? Easy" My proud smile should be much smaller, but I couldn't resist it. You looked up. Pouting like a child. My lips in a line, so I wouldn't laugh at this mimic you had. " Kinda explain how you shot the tires" You said it to yourself while looking in the distance. My smile vanished. Sprinkle of reality. Snowflakes in your hair. Sun almost visible through trees. Hitting your face at the right angle. Like the gates of heaven opened.
"You want to try again?" Trying to cover the topic you just brought up. "I don't think I'm good at it" Your red fingers trying to fix the beanie, actually seeing your eyes now. "It just takes practices" I said, gun clicking, bullet falling into snow. Or in my case, a good beating until I hit all of the circles right way. Your hands brushing each other. I put the gun on one of the stumps. "Here" I took your palms into mine, blowing hot air from my mouth, slightly touching your fingers with my lips. Your eyes narrow. This look. What is this look?
You took a step closer. First time. It was not me who initiated the kiss. It felt like it was innocent. Even if we fucked, my fingers not letting you breathe, sweating over each other, the burn below. This made me physically sick. Wishing you to blow cigarette smokes into me, so I'll be filled up with grey fog out of you, part of you. But your leg bent to the side, snow under you were an enemy. Your hands escaping my palms. You fell right under my feet. Laugh. " Fuck" You let out while covering your face. " Come on, I'll help you" I said reaching for your hand. My cheeks hurt from a smile. Facial expression my muscles not used to.
But you hit my leg. Earth was swept out of my feet. I stumble to snow too, face down. My legs mixed in yours, while my upper body in the pile of water turned into ice. I looked at you. Your lips pressed together, I saw how you wanted burst out of laughing, " Such a grace" You were giggling with no remorse. I took some snow into my gloves and hit your face. The shock which came upon you "No you did not" You said with blank expression , melting snowflakes dripping on your face. I rolled over on my back. " I did, what you gonna do? Shot me? You can't hit shit" I said with a smile. Okay, I was reaching here.
You sat up, your hands gripping all the snow you can in your embrace. Oh fuck. I quickly tried to get up, too slow. Everything going straight under my hoodie , from the neck down to the back. My shoulders going up. Freezing. Fist clenched. Your face mixture of rose and pale. Hair wet. Ass clearly was too. I felt it was melting under me. "You're so…" I was shaking my head. Too quick on your feet. Jumped to standing position in seconds. "Dead?" Your hands on your waist, raised eyebrow. Brushing my face, not what I meant, not what I wanted to say. "If you catch me" Devious smirk on that innocent face of yours. And you started to run, while I was just sitting in pile of snow. Confused. "What?" I asked out into nothing. I couldn't see you anymore.
"Y/N?" walking through this forest felt not right. Looking at footprints, you made some of them, misleading. " Good one" Nodded to myself. Do you like to be prey after all? Or I am the one that's being hunted right now? I knew it like my five fingers, but this was anxiety inducing. Or I should feel a rush? I did while I ran through the woods to get to the road, to catch up to you, stop you. Now I don't need to, do I? " What's the prize if I do catch you? " I shouted. It echoed. Some birds flew out of the branches. Silence. Smart girl.
Twig broke. My head turned to left. Right to that spot. Snow crunching under the feet. "Ah shit" I heard you scream out but it had a tone of laughter. You jumped the little branch of river in between two points. Trying to climb small hill. I went right after you. Fingers to the ground. Snow layer gone under palms. Jumped more distance, got right next to you. But you climbed faster, almost caught by the ankle. You brushing dirt with your shoes straight to me while quickly getting to the top. I leaned back. You got a headstart again. What game are we playing? Was the trauma not enough for you? Are you putting me in a villains role again? Why am I engaging in it?
Running after you. Your face turning back for a second. That's the only thing it took. I tripped. What a joke of a stalker I am. Fell to the ground. My sweatpants dirty. Pushing myself from the ground, shaking my head, disappointment honestly. Is someone taping this? People with cameras gonna come out and say something stupid, welcome to some show you never heard of. I got up, patting down my muddy pants. I sighed. " You lost" Your voice next to me. Cold blade on my nape. I looked down. Your frozen hand holding my knife. You took the from the nightstand when you went to change your clothes, didn't you?
On your toes then. You were just holding it, not real threat. Your hand shaking, from t he cold, not the action. I looked through my shoulder. Your chin placed on it. The other with your grip, to hold me in place or keep yourself standing? "You sure?" I asked, your eyes slowly narrowing, trying to see something you missed. I twisted your wrist. Walking distance is short. You don't have enough power to target it to me and not hurt yourself.
Your back pressed to the tree. Knife out of your palm. Quick twitch. Your hood. My fingers gripping the knife, blade into the trunk. Your eyes wider. Next to your face. Hood up and pinned by the help of a knife, holding you in the place just by a zipper " Let's call that a truce" Leaned in to whisper it, none could hear us anyways. Glimpse of fear, or was this arousal? Sometimes I mix those up.
Your fingers in my hair. Cold. Shiver down my spine, together with melted snow. Lips. Neck with your lock. Hands on your waist, pulling in closer. Getting warmer. Dirty, cold and letting ourselves heat. I heard how fabric ripped when you got closer. Synthetic insulation from jacket fell around us like artificial snow. Mouths in each others. Hands over you. One holding you so close, so you wouldn't slip. Other lost in your hair. Resin catching my fingers. Devouring me whole. Vore. Consuming each other. I had you, all of you. Why this insatiable feeling is fueling me again?
Your body maneuvered out of the jacket. You jumped. Got it. Caught you in my embrace, lifted you up. Just like at the parking lot. Just like at the cabin carrying you to the sofa. You broke the kiss. Looking down to me. Eyes drawing a map on my face. My lips open. Tongue, the taste of it missing. Saliva gathering. Burn me. Burn me so only my carcass left. Skeleton, bones turns to ash. You read it. You saw what I was thinking. You brushing my lips, confirming that I'm real. Slowly, getting closer. Anticipation. My arms holding you close, your legs crossed.
Kiss. Looking straight to the sun. It burned but felt so warm, you can't open your eyes, but the fire on your lips kept you in peace. Senses leaving me. Only your skin. Just your heartbeat. Or was it mine? But then I felt it. Wet. My cheek. I opened my eyes, one single tear. Instead of showing me your emotions, you hide your face into my neck, arms tighter around it. I could swear, my hands would release you but you would stay in the same spot. Holding onto me , our skin glued together. " Y/N?" I asked quietly. I swear this was leading to fucking in the forest but turned out the other way around. Is this a goodbye?
I imagined so many scripts. Better just rip me apart straight away, why you prolonging it? Or just take the blade out of the tree and stuck it into me, it might hurt less. Was this game to entertain my sick mind, is that what you think? It never was about the chase, it was always about what was at the end of finish line. The only race I'm doing, if at the end there will be you. Your embrace for the tired body. Other way, what's the point? What's the point of living, if you can't live? And I can't do that without you, Y/N. The hug tightens. Strangle me, that would be better than this silence. " Y/N?" Question blown away by the wind, not to be answered.
A sniffle. What did I do wrong? I could list so many thing, but I never meant to hurt you, I never did. In my book, everything I did was to keep you safe, even if it doesn't fit standards of a normal interaction. One hand from your waist placed on your head. Creasing your hair. " It's fine" I didn't know what I was reassuring you of, but I wanted it to be that way. Your realistic thoughts coming out of the cave to play? Everything you went through is out there now?
You breathing in deeply. Did you feel your lungs with my smell? Will parts of me gonna be split in tiny atoms all over your body, blood carrying it. "I'm a mess" You said still hiding yourself. So that's what this about? Finally seeing yourself and not knowing what's true? Mirror won't help you understand it. "We both are" Holding you closer, not even a single open space to interrupt it. My hands on your back, face into your hair. Felt your grip on my jacket.
"Do I need to start singing Nickelback for you to feel better?" I asked and you let out a hurtful dry giggle, sniffling your nose. Can't understand why this is happening right now, what exactly is this? Confirmation of a chaos didn't change the way you acted now. Joke vaporized into the air. Lifting itself high over the mountains and leaving our conversation full of unspoken sorrow again.
Your grip loosens. I let you go. On your feet. Not looking at my eyes. Wanted to shake you back into the smile we shared not long ago, but this was finals steps to the end you chose and I needed to respect the way you will finish this chapter, even if it meant you will leave me behind. "What did you pick from the book, what part of it showed you who you are?" Eyes a little bit red, cleaning your cheeks with hoodie's sleeve. At first I looked at you confused. You took your jacket from the tree in meantime. Knife still there. "Why?" Was this a test? My lips were sore, hurt without yours.
"I just want to see what you see, in me… " Your eyes to snowy branches, fingers squeezing your own arms together. " Stalking is what you took from it?" Those big eyes targeting my face. This was a test. It was the final one. They say there is no wrong answers, here I had so many options which would lead me to a wrong path. Snow getting through naked trees. " The trill?" Your compressed smile, it wasn't genuine after trying to get the answer out of me. "No" I cut your trail of thoughts. "I was afraid you would.." Oxygen was gone. In nature without air. The game you played was proving the point? I did it only for you. I do everything only for you.
"She had her curtains closed, safe space for her.." I didn't remember exact words, just the feeling of it, I saw you eyes flickering , fireflies in July. " She was alone, in the room full of people she was alone" My hand reached yours " Hiding herself in masks, waiting for someone to see her as she was," Eyes meeting, gaze, the longing in both of us, " She was all alone, as he was in this dark place we call our homes, the only way for him to live, was be by her side, even if she didn't know" Deep breath. I smiled. But it hurt to. I think this were our paths leads to opposite directions.
Sun beams breaking through branches. Snow circling around. Ice melting in the ray. "As it was the worst for you" I looked at my palm, your hand in it " It's was the only time I felt alive" Your fingers gripping mine." I pushed you through a lot" Breathing trembling. The shine in your retina was a shield." And I don't want you to be hurt again" Nodding to my own thoughts, it's always better to say goodbye first then to wait for first struck from someone else. I don't have a plan which wouldn't involve you. " I guess what I'm trying to say" Biting my own tongue. The word just can't get out.
"I'm leaving with you" Chokehold. Your fingers went into my neck like icepicks. "Wh- what?" We caught each others gaze. " You don't… that would ruin your whole life" I said releasing your palm. Step back. Your genuine smile. Kind eyes. Red cheeks and lips. " Do you want to be alone together?" Your voice shaking, cracking a smile right after it. Breaking. It's not good for you. You are a writer, and going up the ladder fast. This would be me destroying it for getting what I want. You. But I'm selfish, I'm a selfish man. I want you too much. I crave your soul, your body, your heart and you giving it all up for me on a silver platter.
You chose me. You could leave, there was nothing holding you back. And yet you chose to stay. I closed in. My hands on your face, lips to yours. Your palms on mine. A pact. Agreement. The butterflies. The whole fucking explosion. Brains melting, body filling up with chemicals. The end for us. Our end. The story we can write. I don't have any clue what to do next, but the only thing I'm sure of, the only person I need by my side is you. Finish line. You waiting at the end of it. My lips to yours. Breathing as one. Souls collapsing into each other. Doesn't matter if the black hole will devour us. The emptiness will be ours to share.