Self reliance, to love another.
Alfred Adler you crazzzzzzzzy bastard.
I'm so mad. Happy actually, but also mad. I finally read the Courage to be happy after four years and finished it in one day (I need to reread it later).
There's a part that actually gobsmacked me, utterly floored I, I have to pause to think because holy crap.
In like the last (late?) pages the philosopher said shit like: "To love someone is to break away from the interest and focus of 'me' and instead focus on the 'us'." (Simplified).
And I was like, understandable, ok.
Then: To be self reliant, to be an 'adult', to have courage on oneself, one must break away from the self-centeredness of 'me'.
I got it, but also don't, y'know.
He went to say that the 'me' is self-centered in the need for survival. We are born helpless and in need of help from our parent, we need parent love (dedication, devotion, care) to simply survive, to achieve that goal we need to be loved. So we build the 'me' that would be loved, to be noticed, to be cared. This self-centered 'me' is a childhood lifestyle of achiving love from parents that we choose.
And I was like, pause. Because that shit sound like something I was fixating for year straight.
Protoanalysis, or like, Ichazo's enneagram.
Holy crap.
But then he went and said something worse.
"This need to be loved is a survival need from child. The need to be loved from arise from helplessness, since the child is dependent on the parents. It's a method of survival that doesn't work on the adult that is supposed to be self reliant.
The 'me' that is self-centered, focusing on the need to be loved and looking for someone that would respond to the demand of the self-centered 'me', is not self-reliant and have no confidence on oneself ability and dependent on others.
This 'me' is stuck on being someone's child and are not an adult.
So to be self-reliant, to be an adult, one need to love: decide, dedicate, give oneself completely, have courage in oneself and the other. Break away from the self-centeredness of being loved and love another."
(Simplified by me).
I, I don't know how to convey it to you how gobsmacked I'm.
The idea (Fact? Theory?) is so simple. Using teleology (seeing the goal instead of causation for behavior) he generalize all the personality/lifestyle that we build from childhood to adulthood as a means to achieve the goal of 'how to be loved.'
And he fucking right, I'm so mad rn. I need to update and analyse my enneagram note again Fuck.
Then he said searching love from others is to be reliant on others since you're seeking their approval and basing your worth on it.
Ughh oughhh.
"The one who will respond on such self-centered need of the 'me' would be one's parents who held an unconditional love. But the world is not your mother and no one will love you without you taking the courage to love first and achieving the happiness of 'us'."
The 'me', the self-centered and childish 'me', is running from the tasks of life. Don't want to be self-reliant, want to depend on the guidence and love of the parents, finding no worth and no courage within themself, since they don't love themself, and when they're an adult, search love and approval from others?
So much to think.