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"I Don't Know What To Do" by Mike Mckendry

#IDon'tKnowWhatToDo #MikeMckendry #MichaelMckendry #FSharp

mommy and me

Why am I so scared? Why am I so scared of accepting your love? Why can’t I trust you with everything I have?

I don’t know what to do. My intimacy with you is something I never thought would be shared with anyone else but you view “intimacy” as one of your main characteristics. You’re publicly an intimate being and have no shame in it. I’m intimate for those I trust and in this sense...it’s only ever been you.

Why do I get so scared of seeing other girls on your blog? Why do I get so jealous when I know you value me the most? Do you want monogamy or something open? Is it bad that I can’t tell (and I’ve never been able to tell even since the beginning; as well as even AFTER you asked me to be yours? multiple times?) You’ve always been open and shameless to everyone; I begin to wonder often what trust and affection I’ve actually earned. You’re like this with everyone, but I’m the one you kiss and hug and to whom you say sweet things. Do you want me or do you want mommy? Do you love me or do you love mommy? I can’t ever tell but I wish you wanted me more. I’m never a true mommy. I feel like it sometimes but I can’t ever call myself one in good conscience. Other girls are prettier than me...but are they prettier than mommy? No, because you think that you have the best when mommy takes care of you. You never have to worry when mommy is in charge because she keeps you safe; and mommy never has to worry about you losing her trust because she knows that you’re afraid to let other people in this far. Mommy never worries; she gives her worries to me.

I’m not as pretty or as witty or as beautiful as other girls but you told me you loved me. You always say you love me and not mommy but it’s so hard knowing that you prefer to reblog other girls’ nice pictures when my back is turned. Is it bad that I’d prefer being included? Being told “this girl looks really nice! don’t you agree?” and afterwards, if you deemed it necessary or just wanted to say it to fill the jealous relationship stereotype: “but don’t worry, babe, you look nicer all the time!” but even THAT’S not necessary.

It’s so hard to believe that you want me more than you want mommy when mommy is all you like to be public about to people whom you don’t even know. You don’t talk about me anywhere, even with people we know; you don’t make us public with the exception of a changed relationship status. But your relationship with mommy (who is never clearly defined as me) is clearly more important to you, at least enough for you to post it publicly for the whole world to see it online.

I don’t feel appreciated, I don’t feel loved...I feel used. I feel like you’ve finally found someone who understands you and chooses to love you through and through no matter what and instead of really really trying to make sure they’re okay and try to analyze where they’re coming from (even if you need to force me to help you figure it out), you take advantage and you self-indulge because heck, if this gal can take whatever kinks/fantasies/interests you have at this point, she can handle anything...right? What’s one more dildo? What’s one more plug? What’s a step further into this lifestyle among someone who’s open about it to all of his internet friends, and his girlfriend, who is so lost and feels like she can’t be herself without hurting people, so consequently chooses not to be?

Sometimes I feel like I need to leave. I feel like I need to really make sure that it was me you wanted all along and not just mommy, but at that point, it’s too late. I hate breaking up because I hate getting back together with someone I broke up with. I don’t want to “try again” or “get back together” with you. I want to make this work, but...I feel so sheltered. I feel like I’m trapped within myself. I can’t express what I want because your needs are always more important (in my eyes). I’m terrified that the day I choose to reveal myself, you will not want me anymore because you won’t be able to manage taking care of me. And how dare I confide in you what I want and need from a relationship? Of course that admission warrants a punishment towards me: a break up. A lack of you in my life which, I’ve proved time and time again (or, at least tried to), I cannot imagine.

So...what now? Do we break up and figure things out or do we stay together and figure things out and risk you hating me for one day showing my true colors? I worry that if we choose to stay together, then we will never come to terms with the real problems that were causing my distress and worse, choose to repress them and act like they don’t matter because there are simply just other things to worry/be happy about and focus on. As for breaking up? Simple: I am afraid that if we break up then we won’t get back together. If I break up with someone, it’s because we need to be apart. I don’t want to ever go back to an ex again. I made that mistake once, and while it was a totally different person who doesn’t match up to you in any way, the concept of going back to something that once broke me and made me feel like this is something of which I need to steer clear in my life if I’m ever going to be happy.

Please help me. I don’t know what to do for us. I don’t know how to be happy and I don’t know if that’s the anxiety or depression talking or if this issue really is that serious; but I need help. I love you...but do you really love me for me? Would you still love me if mommy wasn’t ever in the picture? I guess I’ll never know. We’re in too deep now.

#triggerwarning #notsurewhatcountsassuchbutstill #ineedhelp #i'mlost #idon'tknowwhattodo #whycan'tijustbehappy

I Don't know What To Do

It's 3:00am here and I can't sleep because I'm scared that I'm a failure I'm 19 I have no job I have no friends unless it's convenient to them I can't talk to my parents because I'm afraid of nothing I'm just afraid. I bottle up my emotions until I can't hold them any more like now I'm crying. I know I should ask for help but there is a part of me that said that it not need the help could be use on my siblings so I sitting quietly dying on the inside and I don't know what to do.

#IDon'tKnowWhatToDo

Stem cell transplant

My doctor recommends it. Even if not now, perhaps later in life. What if I end up needing it to heal? What if I end up getting an awesome donor and everything is on a steady path to success and then

flat line

life isn’t hard when you’re gone. (This is what happened to my brother. He had a rough time undergoing everything. He threw up, lost his hair, was in pain. He started to slowly get better. He was finally going up the hill and everything looked promising. He was at the highest he ever was.. and then his organs failed. I still miss him.)

Is it worth the risk?

#Idon'tknowwhattodo

Something Freaky Just Happened To Me

Okay, so first off I want to say I actually am a good nanny. I play with the kids, take care of the two dogs, they all love me and I love them a lot. But when I arrive in the mornings at work, I usually have a good 2 hours before the kids wake up. So i just sit in a chair in the living room and cat nap, and when they wake up they come out and their doors wake me up and we start the day. However, today was a little different. I would wake up, enough to understand where I was and open my eyes to see my surroundings, but I could not move. I’d struggle to lift my arms, move my mouth, anything. This happened several times, before I felt physically pulled back into deeper sleep. I kept thinking “I need to wake up, I can’t deeply sleep, what if something happens to the kids?” (The kids are old enough to be fairly self efficient, but they still need someone around mostly so they won’t fight.) But I was scared, I felt something bad was going to happen to them or too me. There was only one time i remember being pulled all the way down. Everything around me was pitch black, except for a small light at the end of a large hallway. I walked down the hallway to find a white table and chair, sitting on a ledge in front of what looked like a giant mirror reflecting the darkness behind me.There was a whispy white curtain pulled to the opposite side. When I got closer, I realized that it wasn’t a mirror, but a giant window. it was dark outside, so it acted as a mirror. I felt that there was something outside the glass. I was scared, and something told me not to, but I went and sat in the chair. immediately, a jolt of fear went through me and my mind pulled me out of the hallway. I was back to struggle to fully wake up. Occasionally I would, but I would become insanely drowsy and fall back. During the brief moments that my eyes were open, I would see the kids, coming out of odd places, like the cabinets in the living room I was in. But when my eyes opened more they would disappear and I’d realize that they were still asleep. At one point I heard a snarl coming from the floor behind the chair I was in. But, I couldn’t move to check what it was. I swore it sounded like one of the dogs. Later, I heard a weird noise, like a “paaa” of air being released after holding it a long time. While the snarl was animalistic, the air seemed way too human for my liking. Finally, the boy walked out of his room and jarred me, giving me the push to break free of whatever had hold of me. I looked over the side of the chair, only to see that the dog wasn’t there and the only thing was the old fashioned vent. I immediately stood up from the chair, grabbed my stuff, called the dogs and went down to the basement. The boy came with moon after.

I have no idea what all this was. I’ve had “awake” dreams where I couldn’t move before, but nothing like this. I was awake, almost anyway. And I could not move. I heard things around me, and I’m scared of what I heard. I don’t know if one of the dogs did come by me for a while and snarl, maybe protecting me? I don’t know what what kept pulling me back into my own mind? All I know is when I got out of the chair and ran downstairs, none of the drowsiness I’d felt when waking up before had me. I feel completely awake, and scared. I don’t want anything happening to these kids, I love them like my own siblings. I do know one other thing. During all my struggling, one thought kept crawling to the surface.

“I have to ask sixpence about this. She’ll know what’s going on.“ Over and over in my mind, helping fight.

So that’s what i did. I got on my computer and opened up sixpence’s page. But the moment I did, safari completely shut down. I quickly opened it back up, and tried again but it claimed the page wouldn’t opened. Finally, on the third try I got a message through. I’m typing this out now in hopes that she really can help me. My computer has been glitching out and lagging the entire time that I’ve been writing this, so i apologize for any mistakes. But it’s all i can do to get this typed out. It’s a good computer, and shouldn’t be acting like this.

@sixpenceee do you have any idea behind all this stuff that’s been happening to me? Something tells me you do, because something really tried to stop me from asking you.

#scary #help #sixpenceee #angry spirit?#idon'tknowwhattodo #freaky #anyone #pleasehelp