I am the worst kind of person, the kind who only thinks of herself above all others. I ruined a man, a good man, a man who would have given up his life for me. I stomped on his heart because I gave my everything to another when I was six years old. In a way, he had to know all along that although I married him, slept with him, I never really belonged to him. It is no excuse though.
Having him near me know, knowing the child in my womb is not his makes me sick, sicker even than the pregnancy. He lies with me, soothing me, but I can only think of someone else. Someone I cannot be with. My stomach lurches again, but there is nothing left to empty into the bucket, and his hand rubbing my back only makes me sicker. I do not deserve his sympathy, his care, his love. He was always a better person than me. I never deserved his love.
Even now, with all of my regret, I walk all over him. I cannot even muster a please, but I cannot bear to be near him now. Not with the guilt weighing down on me. This child will likely kill me. It is what I deserve. If I die perhaps, I can stop hurting him. I watch him slink from the room before rolling over and covering my face with my hands. What kind of person was I? I sent one man away who worried and cared but I still longed for another. One out of my reach. He would give me a child but he was not a man you could hold on to. I pulled my hands from my face and stared blankly at the tears covering them. When was the last time I had ever cried? Not even as a child. Perhaps this pregnancy would be the death of me.
I heard the door of my room creak open and I just shut my eyes tighter. I couldn't face him again. Could not handle the guilt weighing down on what was left of my black heart. But the hands running through my hair nowhere not his. There was only one man left who I knew would never abandon me despite my sins. I sat up and threw my arms around him, sobbing into his shoulder like I was still a child. He didn't have to say a word, just sit there and I felt lighter. He would always be on my side, I was his little girl after all.
[New Snippet, old story. :) For Quezy! ]