#illumination studies

[vfe]

Illumination and Values studies under the mentorship of André Forni. This one was pretty laborious to do, but is for sure an amazing exercise! :)

[vfe]

Illumination studies for the Concept: Art for Animation and Games course with the fantastic André Forni. There are still some errors in this one, like the cast shadows that shouldn’t be so dark, but I’m happy with the results, and for sure with the learning! Thanks a lot for the feedbacks, Forni. :)

[violentrayof-sunshine]

Day 1.

There is a storm inside me, as there always has been.

But oh, how wrong you would be to assume that I am not the one in control.  I have been beaten and broken down by this storm over and over, but this is my turn.  This is my turn and it is my BIRTHRIGHT and I will not have it denied to me.

My hands are worn and my heart is beating, my tears have fallen and I love.  I love despite all the pain and suffering, oh how I choose to love.  I once refused, but this is now MY storm to control and I will not back down.

Come and face me.  Find me amidst the sweeping winds and screaming rains.

Find me in the fire that rains down from the sky as the earth breaks beneath my feet.

You told me of the stars in my eyes, but darling, I put them there.  And they burned me.

I have no fear this time.  I am in control.

~H.

[violentrayof-sunshine]

Apr. 15

At least I keep his eyes in my life.

And I know...

She’ll be happy.

~11:22 pm

[violentrayof-sunshine]

Apr. 5

some days are just hard, and i know that and i know that and i k n o w that but i just.

I wish they weren’t.

-why?

because i feel weak

-there is so much about you that cannot and is not described as weak.  you are growing, my darling, and growing takes time.

i know, i know, but i just wish that i didn’t have to rely on people.

-why?

i feel this need to do it all on my own, that i have to do everything by myself

-why?

because, because, because, well, because people are never around.  they’ve never been around and they will never be around and i..

i always end up alone

-are you alone now?

i dont want to burden them.

-but are you alone now?

i don’t want to burden them.

-are you alone? is there no one who can be there for you now?

I don’t want to burden them.

-Are you alone like in Vietnam? Or China?

I don’t want to burden them.

-Are you alone?

no.

-then believe that.

[violentrayof-sunshine]

Mar. 24

She’s happy.  She’s happy and she’s safe and that’s all I can do.

Maybe I was a toxic friend in her life, but...

But I can’t think those thoughts anymore.  Life flows and changes, it pulses with energy and there is change.  There is always change.  For now I have friends laughing in the sunlight as they ride along trails with the wind in their face and laugh to spite the soreness in their legs.  And they’re beautiful.

I don’t use beautiful in the traditional sense, but the meaning transcends the word.  Their lives are beautiful and I can see them intertwined with different colors and patterns and rhythms that meld and blur together into a symphony of beauty.  Raw, untouched beauty.  A joy, a love, a hope and peace.

They laugh over stupid things and I feel peace.

3:49 pm

[violentrayof-sunshine]

Mar. 12

I can feel His presence with me more now.  I’m starting to see it, and because of it, I’m starting to love myself more now too.

I try and look myself in the mirror at least once per day and say “I am worth loving because He loves me.”  Even if there are days when I don’t believe it, slowly, I will start to.

I feel this desire to please people; I want to please everyone; I want to be perfect.  But, I can’t.  I’ll always fail because I’ve raised my standards so high that I can’t even reach them, everything I do is a failure in my eyes.  It’s never enough for me.

But it’s enough for Him.  He delights in my work, in my art, and even more so when it glorifies Him.  Every single piece I make, every little doodle, He sees and He loves it.

~4:19 pm

[violentrayof-sunshine]

Mar. 7

For once the words didn’t burn in my mouth and leave a bitter aftertaste.

I said them and he kissed me.

And then he said “I’m sorry.”

~9:10 pm