We don’t usually talk about our trauma on this blog. And we don’t wanna accidentally trigger anyone. So just in case I’m gonna put this under a cut. But I feel like I need to write this and get it out.
I tried to tag all trigger warnings and I’m not gonna put any did tags. Please let me know if I missed any or if you need anything else tagged.
If you’ve ever seen Haunting of Hill House (spoiler if u havent) then you know the scene where Nell dies and keeps like, falling through moments in her past. That’s how it felt last night. I don’t know who was co-con with me but I kept hearing the name Malerie. That’s the name of our childhood friend who started it all.
So I was standing there at work, casually rolling silverware, chatting with people walking by. While someone else in headspace keeps going through these memories as if flipping through a slide show. I’m seeing all the things she did to us. And suddenly remembering how, for years, we were in denial about all of it. We didn’t think of it as abuse because she was one of our best friends, we were the same age, we were both girls, it didn’t hurt. Whatever. Stupid reasons. And this other part, I could tell she feels like it’s partially her fault for letting it happen and keeping it a secret. We thought that was the start of the abuse. But then we “fell” back into a further memory. We were about 4 years younger. And I remembered a neighbor girl from across the street. We were friends briefly during childhood before an incident occurred and our families never spoke again. But another slideshow started and I could see different times when it was clear she abused me. And she was much older than me. And I definitely didn’t know what was going on. It’s a strange feeling though because I literally can’t go into detail. I can’t type it or say it out loud. I can’t describe what she did and even if I try, the words just stop and I freeze up and can’t speak. So then the last slideshow happened. We were 2 years younger now with another neighbor boy from down the street. Our dads were friends and would work on cars together. My brothers and I would go over and hang out with his kids while they worked. And I remembered one time being alone in a room with his son and being exposed to some things and feeling dirty and wrong for the first time. Probably the first time because the memories stopped there. But it felt like rewinding a movie and stopping at all the bad parts. I could see the memory, I knew it was us. But I couldn’t feel it. And I know that’s because someone else is holding all those feelings for us.
We haven’t even brought this up to our therapist yet. So far we’ve only acknowledged the sexual abuse that happened at 15 and from then on. But I knew it started before that because we’ve been hypersexual since elementary school. I hate to admit that but it’s true. And I think another reason we haven’t told anyone about that yet is because it brings even more shame than the other assaults that happened later. We grew up feeling dirty and deviant and even demonic at some points and none of us could ever speak up about it. We never should’ve been exposed to sex that young and I need my sys mates to realize.. it was never our fault because kids can’t consent no matter what.
including these for the rest of the system to read later.
