Quick thingum about Office Relationships!
HAHA it’s not quick because I don’t know how to police my own writing. But here we go anyway! Under the cut is my opinion about ALTs fitting into the sea of coworkers they’re dashed from straight off the plane and beyond. I include a helpful list, a bit of side-eye, and my own experience. Read on!
I see a lot of ALTs who complain about office interpersonal stuff. It ranges from a very general “meh”-ness to a very real, culture-shock-like hatred of the Japan they’re in. The reasons why are varied and mostly just... people things, imo. For example....
Their coworkers ask them the same questions over and over. Their coworkers don’t talk to them at all. Their coworkers don’t seem to like them. Their coworkers go to lunch without them, or didn’t tell them about a meeting, or wanted to reschedule their welcome party until a month later, or laugh nervously too often for their tastes.
And honestly, I have to wonder how much of that is the coworkers’ fault, and how much is the ALT in question just... waiting to be liked. For no reason. While they continue to be unlikable.
Now I get it, sometimes you try super hard and it still sucks. I am NOT saying that does not happen, BECAUSE IT DOES. It’s a risk with all human relationships that we take.
That is the worst case scenario, I think, yeah? You put in all the effort, you make the cookies, you answer the questions, you pose the small talk, you try and smile and try and smile and they still don’t really like or include you.
But I’m not talking about that. I think if you’re conscious of trying, you’re most likely someone who has tried and done been trying. And I respect that. And you.
I’m pinpointing the people who complain about their coworkers and how “mindless” or “meaningless” it all is, but then wonder why they’re not talked to at the drinking party. I’m side-eyeing the people who post about how they deliberately tell their coworkers lies about small talk questions because they hate answering them. I’m talking about the people who just sit there silently seething (AT ALT-ONLY EVENTS TOO) and then wonder why a) nobody wanted to talk to them and b) why they are unhappy.
I don’t want to talk to a wet blanket, and we share a language. You have to got to acknowledge that it’s not “Japanese people don’t know how to small talk”, it’s more “I MYSELF AM WET BLANKET”.
I firmly believe that you get love back from the universe that you input into it. It takes time, and effort, and it’s sometimes scary or backfires or is stupid. That’s fine! Do it anyway!
“But Sami,” you say. “I don’t know how to.”
“It’s okay, friendo,” I tell you. “I STILL don’t know what I’m doing, because we’re all just adults bouncing about trying to be good at what we do!”
Seriously.
If you get here, and you’re nervous, here is a small list of ways to ingratiate:
1. go to the party if you can make it 2. MINGLE AT THE PARTY, this doesn’t mean drink! Just talk to people! If you haven’t noticed, they are all ASKING EACH OTHER the same bullshit small talk questions, because humans use a script until they get comfortable with each other, or until someone confident enough breaks the mold. And that is okay!! 3. give little presents. Not necessarily expensive ones, but my crew is STILL talking about when I got apple pie moonshine for them, even though I DIDN’T EVEN ATTEND THAT PARTY. 4. bake or make something, if you can do a hometown recipe they’re gonna love having an excuse to talk to you about something other than the seasons, your Japanese level, or the weather. Trust me. Give them more options on the dialogue wheel!!! 5. smile. This is harder when you have a default face that isn’t a nervous smile, I know. My anxious ass smiles all the time =_=;; Just try it out when you give the otsukaresamadesu in passing. I even throw in waves and winks. Someone’s gonna have a stroke someday, I’m sure, but it works. I’ve got a hoard of dudebros who wave back. 6. be patient. With them, with yourself, but mostly with them. You have no idea what kind of ALTs they worked with before you, and some of them might’ve left a bad taste in their mouths. They might have been made fun of for pronunciation in English. They might have been told off for trying to help them look at the schedule. They might feel like all foreigners are prickly, just like you might worry all Japanese people are quiet. Wrong. Give it time and patience. 7. get you some cheddar off of somewhere and make Red Lobster style biscuits 8. involve your JTEs in your self-intro games, so you can learn about THEM too 9. invite teachers to observe your lessons if they seem into English 10. when you get here, see if someone wants to go grab a power lunch with you, cuz it’ll be summer vacay for crying out loud!! If your supervisor doesn’t do that with you, I will drive there myself and take you to kaitenzushi omfggggg
Ten things. Ten things to try.
But the most important thing to remember is this: You are not coming here as the protagonist of your solo story, you affect everyone’s stories you come into contact with. For better, worse, or absolutely neutral. Once you stop thinking of people as accessories to your life, and people with their own thoughts and actions, the world will be your oyster. Nom nom.
It shouldn’t be that hard. But in talking with military friends, non-JET ALTs, and just expatriates living in Japan... the struggle with immediate and unfounded entitlement is REAL, fam. And it gets old for your coworkers as well as your ALTs in the prefecture. Which is why fifth years like me have gummy old jaws where we used to have toothy ones, because we got tired of gnawing down the same bone of “just stop expecting everything to be about you and how great you are omfggggggg just be nice to people”. This dog too old for that now.
Also, anecdote time, because my office is so hot that if I stop typing I will fall the hell asleep:
I came here with NO Japanese. I was memorizing “osaki ni shitsureishimasu” on the freaking airplane. I didn’t know what yakisoba was, or how to eat ramen, or even how to read most katakana yet. Imagine trying to make coworker relationships when you have to both resort to gestures and helpless looks and all that effort on both sides?? It must have been a pain in the ass for my coworkers cuz I know at times it really was for me!
So I started to take the initiative. I would bake a ton, give out some sweets every month or two, and copy the katakana from an online dictionary to say what the ingredients were. I’d ask coworkers to translate ceremony titles for me, then look up words to listen out for in the ceremony itself. I’d go to all the nomikais and nijikais even if I wasn’t drinking, and I would try to sit with new people every time at the after-party! Even if we didn’t understand each other haha. I would smile every time I got nervous, and I tried my best to absorb as much Japanese as I could in my own way.
Fast forward five years. I can speak okay now. I can listen even better. My coworkers, I feel, know who I am, and not just a “that’s Sami” knowing. But they know my hobbies, my drives, my teasing, and how I like to be teased back. They interact with me easily because I put myself out there to be interacted with, in English or Japanese, doesn’t freaking matter. They’re people looking to reach out. I can understand most everything that comes my way because most things that come my way are things I’ve experienced and beaten, like mini-bosses in my Japan RPG adventure. I can make small talk but the beautiful times are when I don’t have to anymore.
Yes I was here five years. Yes you might have shorter time than that. Yes it is still doable.
So like.... you can totally be a part of whatever school you’re going to be placed in. I say this because I hear of so many ALTs saying shit like “coming here without knowing a bit of Japanese means you’re just a burden” and “you will never be accepted as Japanese no matter what you do”. And to that I just say “well you’re right, but also thhhbbbbbbbpt.”
We all have the potential to be burdens or not, and it ain’t got much to do with language ability Sharon. And my appreciation for how Japan does things doesn’t exactly ingratiate me with Americans neither! So have a stick of gum and calm down.
There you have it. Go forth, be merry, and don’t go around expecting people to love you for being a surly, quiet, asshole who doesn’t share any of their personality with their coworkers. I get it. I had a MySpace once, it’s edgy to not care about what people think of you. But it’s fun to have relationships with people and care about what they think, even if this job is temporary.
