(This is a sequel to my Human AU ‘In Good Company’; it was inspired by this post by @magically-strange; used with permission.)
Dawn was, Sunny was half-certain, going to kill him for this.
On the other hand, it was Marianne and Bog’s wedding, and he was acting on their request. Sunny and Dawn had had their wedding, and it had been perfect, and now it was Marianne and Bog’s turn to have their perfect day.
Griselda and Dawn had basically taken over the wedding plans as soon as Bog and Marianne announced their engagement. The couple was happy to hand off the chore, insisting only that it be “small. We don’t want to make a huge production out of this.”
Considering Marianne’s last attempted wedding, an elaborate Event Of The Century affair that had all gone to waste when she cancelled only hours before the ceremony, it wasn’t hard to convinced Dawn to tone it down. Griselda was so thrilled Bog was getting married at all she would’ve been only slightly disappointed if they’d insisted on having a paperwork-only wedding or eloping.
Now their families and friends were gathered in a charming venue, flowers everywhere, watching the three bridesmaids – Viola, Iris, and Rosie, Marianne’s best friends from college – proceed down the aisle. Bog and his three groomspeople, Thaddeus, Brutus, and Stefania, were already at the head with the officiant; Marianne had passed on having her father escort her down the aisle, and the bridesmaids weren’t escorted either.
Thaddeus was carrying a box. He was worried, he’d said, that he would forget his wedding present if he didn’t keep it with him.
With perfect timing, Sunny changed the music as Marianne appeared.
Everyone gasped.
Marianne was all in white. Dawn had been insistent on that, finally loaning Marianne her wedding dress, a loose and draping gown that evoked ancient statues of goddesses, when Marianne refused to buy one. She was carrying a bouquet of white roses. Under her lacy veil, she wore a white Stormtrooper helmet.
Instead of soft strings playing “dun, dun, dah-dun … dun, dun, dah-dun,” heavy brass boomed out, “DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN-DAH-DUN, DUN DAH-DUN!”
By the time she reached her groom’s side, Bog had opened Thaddeus’ box and put on the Darth Vader helmet that had been smuggled in.
The bridesmaids and groomspeople were laughing. Stefania was teasing Thaddeus about how well he’d kept the secret. The guests were getting over their shock and starting to chuckle.
Marianne reached the front and handed the bouquet to Viola before taking Bog’s hands in hers.
Dawn was red-faced and choking and Sunny wasn’t sure yet if it was with indignation or amusement.
“Oh –!” she finally managed. “Oh, you two just think you’re so damn funny, don’t you!”
“Yes.” Their voices were distorted by the synthesizers built into the helmets but completely in synch with each other, and audibly self-satisfied.
Bog took off Marianne’s helmet during the unveiling. She took off his helmet in turn. They were given to Thaddeus for safekeeping for the rest of the ceremony.
Yes, those were tears of laughter in Dawn’s eyes. Maybe Sunny would live.
Dawn and Marianne were huddled together and shivering, taking a break from singing. The sound of festivity around them was especially loud and carrying in the cold air. Each fairy princess had her hands snugly around a hot drink.
It was traditional, on the Winter Solstice, for fays to sing all night, calling the sun to come back the next morning.
It was also traditional to hold the largest concert and associated festivities on the west border, because the Dark Forest was to the east – both to avoid the nocturnal goblins and their solstice celebration, and because, the closer one was to the trees, the longer is seemed to take for the sun to come up.
But this year, Bog and Marianne had insisted something happen on their shared border. Officially it was in the name of diplomacy and cultural exchange. Unofficially, everyone knew they just wanted an excuse to see each other.
Dawn sipped her hot apple cider and watched the bonfire, where meat and nuts were being roasted. The smell of sizzling meat still turned her stomach, but it wasn’t so bad at this distance. Actually, mixed with the scents of nuts and apples and wood smoke, it was almost … pleasant.
Marianne smiled at the variously-sized shadows darting back and forth – fairy and brownie and elf and goblin children, even a flickering cloud of young sprites, chasing each other around and shrieking at the top of their voices. She blew on her drink, not wanting to burn her tongue again.
Even with cloaks over their wings, ear warmers and boots and gloves insulating their extremities, the sisters pressed even closer together when a sudden breeze wicked away some of their precious shared body heat.
Bog came over. He looked less like a goblin now and more like a giant brownie. His spindly, spikey body was disguised by the bulk and furriness of his cloak and scarf and hat.
“Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves,” he said. “A few even admitted the music’s not as high as they feared.”
Goblins could handle fairy music, but not at certain pitches. Elf and brownie music didn’t bother them as much. Luckily, most solstice music had been composed for a multi-species chorus, so it didn’t tend to ‘screech’ the way goblins insisted some fairy singing did.
“I think the elves and brownies are enjoying the roast.” Marianne’s teeth chattered.
“You’re both cold?” Bog took off his mittens, tucking them into an interior pocket of his cloak, and rubbed his hands together. “Here.” He put one hand on each of their heads.
Marianne and Dawn both nearly melted.
Bog’s hands were huge, enough to nearly completely cover a fairy’s head. Through their hats, they could feel warmth soaking in.
Marianne’s groan bordered on indecent. Dawn gave her a teasing smile.
“This is great, Boggy, but I should really go find Sunny so we can sing the next song together.”
“I saw him in line for cider, I think.”
“Mine’s still mostly full.” Dawn ducked out from under Bog’s hand and he put both hands on Marianne’s head. “If he’s near the back and doesn’t want to wait, we can share.”
Marianne came out of her daze while her sister was leaving. She tugged off her hat and put it back on over Bog’s hands.
“There. Now your hands won’t get cold, either.”
The title is a triple pun, on Bog’s big hands, the metaphor for giving assistance, and the ‘command’ to applaud. I am very proud of it.
This was inspired by an anecdote about André the Giant, the actor who played Fezzik in the movie The Princess Bride. During filming outdoor scenes, it sometimes got very cold, so when they were off camera, he would put his hand over Robin Wright Penn’s head (the actress who played Buttercup) to help her stay warm.
One of the hypotheses about the woman Roland was caught cheating on Marianne with is that he told her that he and Marianne were just getting married for political reasons (which, at least on his side, was technically true since marrying Marianne was the easiest way for him to become king) ...
So what if, sometime during the engagement, one of Roland's flings (because another hypothesis is that he was cheating with more than one woman) was desperate and bold enough to privately approach Marianne and ask her to cancel the marriage so that Roland would be 'free' to marry this other woman?
I could see this going a few different ways. Worst case scenario, Marianne assumes the woman is lying and/or trying to steal Roland from her, and invokes royal authority to have her arrested or banished or something. Best case scenario, Marianne believes her/the woman proves Roland has been courting and deceiving her as well, and terminates the engagement and Roland ends up publicly disgraced.
For full parallels to the song, all about how beautiful "Jolene" is and begging her not to steal the narrator's lover because Jolene is so perfect and can't be competed with and could have anyone she wants - popularly interpreted as the narrator being in love with Jolene but in denial about it - genderflip Bog and reveal that Roland has been courting the Bog Queen.
He plans to conquer and destroy the Dark Forest. He could do that by marrying Marianne and becoming king and getting the fairy army, to march against the goblins, or he could do it by marrying the goblin queen and taking it over directly. Perhaps telling Bog about courting Marianne was an attempt to push her into proposing - "You don't have to marry her and wait for the Fairy King to abdicate to become a king, I'll just marry you and make you one now!" - but Bog decided to try intimidating the fairy princess into giving him up, and then had a loss of confidence upon realizing that Marianne is so much closer to the fairy ideal of beauty than Bog is to goblin or fairy ideals.
Marianne, meanwhile, was excited at first to meet the Bog Queen and finally have a shot at diplomacy with the goblins, but then gets angry and defensive when the queen starts trying to interfere in her relationship, and displays a goblin-like ferocity that Bog can't help finding attractive.
In that context, Bog and Marianne would both dump Roland and he'd probably end up languishing in a dungeon while they dated each other.
A while ago I asked Suzanne (the human or ‘wingless fairy’) if she’d be interested in having a ‘guest appearance’ in my fic, because I wanted a name for a librarian background character. She said okay and requested blue morpho wings.
Suzanne (the fairy) wears her naturally yellow hair very long by fairy standards, and enjoys testing various non-toxic plants for use in face paints and hair-dye. She’s also started experimenting with different stones, such as mica, for hints of glitter. Her metallic wing-colour catches both the light and the attention of anyone who needs help finding something in the royal library.
(There are still a few chapters to go before she shows up.)
Image drawn on paper with pencil, crayons, pencil crayons (coloured pencils), brush-tip markers, and pens. Virtual editing to copy-paste-flip the bookshelf for symmetry, correct minor smudging, blank the background, and add text.
Widowed Griselda King and newlywed Dawn Kindheart are business partners and professional wedding planners. They need extra hands and extra muscle to set up a booth at this year’s Wedding Expo, so they conscript Griselda’s son Bog, and Dawn’s sister, Marianne Lafayette. At least those love-haters will have someone to commiserate with.
@endorathewitchandawriter, I hear you‘ve been having a hard time lately ... Hope this Human AU you inspired cheers you up! (I know you’ve already seen it, but this is it’s Tumblr premiere. It’s also apparently my most popular non-pornographic one-shot, which is a credit to you as a muse.)
Endora has an excellent grasp of the characters and you can feel their personalities and relationships coming through when you read her fanfiction - particularly how much Marianne and Bog adore each other - no matter what world she puts them in. I favour the inter-species dynamics of canon-based environments, but when I had this idea for a human AU, I thought I'd dedicate it to her, since she seems to favour human alternate-universes.
"No." Her voice was perfectly level. She took a sip of her coffee. Despite a dedication to hospitality, Dawn and Sunny didn't buy Turkish coffee, but she had been provided with a pleasant dark roast.
"Please, Marianne?" Dawn's coffee mug was held in both hands and contained at least as much milk as coffee, and possibly twice as much sugar.
"No."
"It'll just be a few tiny little hours!"
"Dawn, I adore you, but I can't look at wedding stuff for five minutes without wanting to throw up." The tidy yellow kitchen had been thoughtfully cleared of all such paraphernalia before her visit. Dawn kept most of it in her home office anyway, but papers tended to migrate.
"We just need a little extra help setting up the table and display mounts and carrying stuff in from the van."
"Get Sunny to do it."
"He can't, he got hired to MC a charity ball on the other side of town the night before. He'll be exhausted." Not to mention that a man with primordial dwarfism didn't tend to be anyone's first choice for a heavy-lifting job.
"Well, I guess you're gonna have to hire someone, cause I'm not doing it."
"I promise you can ditch before the Expo actually opens!"
"No."
"Pretty please?" Dawn gave her big sister the saddest look she could muster. It didn't have the same impact now that she was thirty as it had when she was thirteen, but Marianne still couldn't withstand it.
"Argh … Fine. Two hours, and then I'm gone whether you're ready or not."
Dawn let out a triumphant squeal. Through the window to the backyard, Marianne could see a few sparrows fleeing the birdbath.
"Bog, sweetie, have you ever met –?"
"I'm not interested in dating, Mother." He'd said those words to her so many times they'd nearly lost their meaning. He didn't even look up from his book.
Griselda's dark brown eyes narrowed and she finished her sentence.
"My business partner. Mrs Dawn Kindheart."
So, for once, she wasn't trying to set him up with someone? There had to be a catch. Bog's mother didn't randomly appear in his apartment for casual conversation. Sometimes he regretted giving her a key.
"No …" he conceded slowly.
Maybe it was a ruse to set him up with a friend of her business partner. Or maybe 'Mrs Dawn Kindheart' had a daughter Bog's age – no, that couldn't be it; he hadn't met Mrs Kindheart, but he'd seen her picture while helping his mum upgrade her business' webpage, and she looked younger than he was.
"Well, she came up with a wonderful way to drum up new business. We've rented a booth at a Wedding Expo in the convention centre."
"That's nice." Knowing the word was coming, Bog managed not to flinch at the word 'wedding'.
"The only trouble is that the Expo is next month, so we might not have time to hire someone to help with the heavy lifting while we're setting up …"
"That's a pity." Just because he could recognize a hint didn't mean he was about to take it.
"It would be a shame if we weren't able to display our work to its best advantage … It's not just potential clients we could connect with, it's florists and bakeries and photographers and dress salons and jewellers and musicians … Although Sunny, Mr Kindheart, has quite a few connections with local musicians."
Bog made a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat. He hadn't figured out her trap yet, but he was sure it was there.
"I don't suppose my loving son could spare one morning to help out his darling mother?"
"I –!"
"Oh, wonderful! You're such a sweetie, Bog!"
"Mum –!"
Too late. She was gone.
It was three in the morning. Marianne had a thermos of coffee and a grumpy expression.
"The Expo opens to the public at seven," Dawn explained again, "and I'm hoping we can have everything ready before five so there's time to mingle with the other vendors. Griselda and Bog should be here any minute."
"Bog?" >
"Oh, didn't I tell you? Griselda's son; he's going to be helping set up, too. There's her car!"
Bog turned out to be a shockingly tall man, possibly twice his mother's height. He didn't look especially muscular or especially pleased to be there.
Dawn and Griselda chitchatted while directing Bog and Marianne where to carry display stands and boxes full of brochures and fliers and sample schedules. How could paper be so heavy? Marianne was getting flashbacks to college, hauling boxes of books donated to the second-hand bookstore she'd worked in, and lugging hefty textbooks all over campus. Sure, as an accountant, Marianne dealt with a lot of paperwork on a daily basis, but she didn't usually have to carry so much of it at once.
Thankfully she didn't have to help with setting up the display itself. Once all the stands were on the table and all the boxes were tucked behind it, Griselda and Dawn tore into the boxes like children at Christmas (or Hanukkah? Marianne thought she'd heard Griselda speaking Yiddish at some point, though that didn't necessarily mean she was Jewish) and the businesswomen arranged their pamphlets and paperwork just so.
"Can I go now?" Bog was eyeing the displays growing around them with distaste and something like wariness.
"We're about done," Griselda agreed. "Be back by ten to take everything down!"
"Before you go," Dawn added, "would the two of you mind doing us one more eensy-teensy favour and getting us some coffee? Treat yourselves, while you're at it." She pressed some money into Marianne's hand.
Marianne and Bog looked at each other and shrugged.
"Well …"
"If I kept my eyes shut, would you lead me through this?" Mrs Kindheart's sister – Marianne – asked him. "If I never see another white dress, it'll be too soon."
They'd gotten lost trying to bring coffee back to his mother and her sister. Bog was surrounded by more flowers and fine china and fancy napkins than he'd ever wanted to imagine. There were candles and candies and – okay, the tattoo display, for couples who wanted to design matching tattoos instead of rings, was an interesting concept, but most of it made him want to gag. Especially the 'custom cocktails' – he'd paid his way through his computer programming classes by working as a bartender and occasional bouncer, and he considered those bizarrely-coloured abominations to be a waste of alcohol.
"Frankly I think I'd rather burrow through the floor than try to navigate this mess," he admitted. "If we can find a wall, would you be interested in trying our luck with the air vents?"
She laughed. It was a nice laugh; a commiserating laugh.
"I never should have agreed to this. I hate this stuff."
At least she had agreed to it. "I hate it more."
"Oh, yeah? If I could get away with it, I'd get back at Dawn for this by splashing her sugary so-called coffee all over these frothy frou-frou things."
"If I could get away with it, I'd steal that stupid coloured alcohol, put it in a water gun, and spray it all over the dresses."
"I would steal all the candy and give it to a bunch of toddlers."
"I would light all the candles and drip wax on all the flower displays."
Marianne smiled vindictively. Bog grinned back.
"After we deliver coffee, do you want to go play paintball or laser-tag or something?"
"Are you asking me on a date?" Bog asked, instantly wary.
"Oh god no, I hate love! This whole – thing," she gestured around them, nearly spilling her coffee and Dawn's; "it's just a huge lie that suckers people in and gets them hurt."
"Yeah." Bog checked to make sure he was holding up his coffee instead of his mother's before taking a sip. "Fools rush in. Thank god we're smarter than that."
"So, paintball?"
"Sure."
They didn't tell Dawn and Griselda they had plans, but if either Bog or Marianne had looked behind them when they left together, they would have seen Griselda and Dawn exchange a high-five.
Marianne and Bog would get married two years later. His sister-in-law and her mother-in-law would never let them live down how they met.
