thinking about will smith hockey with a complicated relationship with sex. who didn’t lose his virginity until late into his year at BC and only because he couldn’t keep coming up with excuses. he could sort of hide behind the fact his mom was around so much before he started going to BC, and suddenly there is so much freedom which he likes but the hiding places are quickly dwindling around him. he hates the idea of giving up so much control to someone else, and sex, even the casual hookups his friends are bragging about, is inseparable from vulnerability. will doesn’t want to admit that he wants anything, he doesn’t want to have to give up anything ever and sex, even with a woman, is giving up something.
the locker room conversations he can do, that’s all politics and lying and pretending you’ve never lost at anything in your life. will can do that. but at a certain point the divide between talking about it and enjoying it gets too large to ignore. will can’t fake his way out of everything, and he certainly doesn’t want to be caught out as the guy different from everyone else. it’s too hard to try and spin celibacy into some fun attribute of his.
and then there’s will smith hockey who figures that you are supposed to enjoy sex and something is wrong with him. it’s okay to think touching girls at ten is gross, but at eighteen, you’re supposed to be thinking about ways to get them to touch you. will isn’t an idiot, he knows. and having sex with men, getting into increasingly unsafe and uncomfortable situations in order to be with them without anyone knowing, only serves to make him more disgusted with himself whilst confirming that this isn’t something he can brute force himself out of.
just really fascinated at the premise of will smith hockey, and his holy trinity: hatred of visible desires, the need to please, and the pretense of total control. hooking up with someone like leno, who has his heart on his sleeve and would similarly would stay in the boiling pot of water, knowing it is boiling, in order to fit in, is easy mostly. it’s on leno then, because even if will is the one on his knees, it’s leno who’s still being open. it’s sort of horrifying to have will on his back, or all fours, or whatever, because he’s so damn quiet. even in the case where he is the one giving it up, will can put it in terms of i am doing this for you. sometimes the fact the sex is bad makes him feel better, the shame and disgust seems a lot more mundane then.
and maybe it is because of the guilt, and the shame, and the disgust, that will doesn’t have a high sex drive. or it’s just the way he’s built, it doesn’t matter. with mack, it’s easier and worse. mack is similar to leno, everything he’s feeling and wants is plastered over his face, but the enormity of will’s want feels heavier with him. he doesn’t want to leave mack alone in asking for things, taking care of him is easy, it’s what will wants to do, and part of taking care of mack is trying to crack open his own ribs a little so they’re both bleeding.
