#internalised fat phobia

[alex-fish-art]

Thank you for that :]

[chronic-confessions]

Confession #5, 261

I don’t like the shape of my body - my stomach is so round and disproportionate where it used to be normal. I know the liver causes this to happen but I can’t find clothes that look even just ok, I hate looking in the mirror and for some reason I’m angry that it isn’t far it’s my liver problem because at least maybe I could lose fat - even after transplant this almost certainly won’t be any better (it might even be worse!) - I keep crying in fitting rooms when I have to see mirrors

[spiderkiss]

One thing that fucks me up about my weight is my family.

My dad’s side of the family are all shaped like me, we carry weight in our torsos, we are fat.

My mother is pretty slim, as are her brothers and her dad.

My brother is also slim. He goes to the gym a lot and works out and has nice muscles to show for it.

I’ve always been fairly strong but I also carry a lot of fat. But the thing is. My brother has always been thinner than me.

The whole going to gym thing was something my mum got me to do in high school in an effort to “make me healthy” when what it really was, was to make me lose weight. Because what my mum had always called ‘puppy fat’ was not going away like she had said it would as I got older

I was working out at the gym for far longer that my brother was.

But I was still always the fat one. No matter how much I exercised or denied myself food that I wanted.

looking back there has always been a lot of fat shaming in my house growing up.

no wonder I always felt like utter garbage. Because I was always going to be fat and I was still comparing myself to my brother and mother rather than being told they just won the beauty standard genetic lottery.

No wonder talking about weight loss is enough to make me burst into tears, so much of my life was spent hating myself for something I couldn’t change and absorbing the messages that that made me lazy and hideous.