Hey, I’m Harvey Gimbel. I’m 56. Yeah... That’s pretty much it. Oh, wait! I have a lovely wife, Lucy, live in New York City,and I do have a job, which in this economy is great. Even if it is seasonal. Even if is being a mall Santa Claus. Yes, I said it. I am a department store Santa Claus. And I’m proud of it. I’m proud of the fact that I look like Santa. Okay, I am happy with my life, so just leave me alone!
Right now it’s the holiday season, the busiest time of year for me. When little kids sit on my lap, I have become an expert on recognizing the kind of kid; smelly (bad), wet-pants (even worse), or polite (Sadly, very rare!).
I pose for pictures and smile. Pose for another picture because the kid is crying because he thinks I’m scary. And I just keep on smiling. All the while, I think about how being a school bus driver would be better. Oh well, too bad the Easter Bunny also has that job...
Murray Green
Numbers. They are an important part of our lives. They are in credit cards, bank accounts, even Social Security. I could go on and on about numbers. Zip codes! PIN numbers! and my job is to keep track of all of these numbers, because I am a bank teller.
My job is like extra oats on the bland oatmeal that is my life. I wake up. I shower. I go to my job. I come home. Then I microwave chinese leftovers from that place on 5th avenue. I watch some late night TV, like the David Bitts Show. I used to know David Bitts, but he just ignores me now. Probably because of my job.Then I go to sleep, only to repeat the process again the next day. Bland oatmeal indeed. I mean, really, I’m friends with a CLOWN. I’d kill to have a job like a department store Santa Claus. Something like that would be like raisins and spice in the oatmeal.
David Bitts
I love my life! I’m married, have a great job as a late night comedian, and I have a wonderful eighteen month old baby. I live in New York City, where I also tape my show. Oh. yes, my show is the David Bitts Show, starring me! I don’t mean to sound so full of myself, but seriously, I’m on TV!
I am on Forbes 100 wealthiest people, and I was called person of the year by Time magazine. But it wasn’t always this easy. I grew up in rural Oklahoma, with a poor family, and my only neighbors were the Tuskegee Native Americans who pretty much raised me, as my father always worked double overtime at the the local fruit market and my mother worked two jobs. One of them were as a seamstress, and the other was at the casino near the highway dealing out cards. They slowly saved up, so they could afford to send me to a nice school.
I entered at Greffen Preparatory in ninth grade, and from day one I loved it. I had to board all the way in New York City in order to be able to go there. I went there happily and met my best friends, Murray Green and Harry Hughes there. I have since lost contact with them, unfortunately. I tried calling them, but the numbers just lead me to Dingling’s Sisters Circus, and the Second National Bank, of New York City.
In 10th grade, I learned about the talent show. I signed up, but I wondered what to do. I knew I definitely couldn't sing. I thought about juggling, like Harry was going to do. Then I decided I would be a comedian. The crowd loved it, and I made my way up the ladder of success, then I made my way up the corporate ladder, and that is how I am standing here, talking to you. Oh, excuse me, I have to go deposit a check at the bank. I’ll be back in a little bit.
Bozo
Hey there kids! It’s your second favorite clown, Bozo! Nyuk yuk yuk! Hey, you want me to throw this flaming log in the air? Oww, that log is hot! Nyuk yuk yuk! Oh, wait, you want to know my long and emotionally scarring life story? Well, I was a smart little kid, who could juggle. I went to a nice private school in NYC, I believe was called Greffen Preparatory. My name back then was Henry Hughes. Then, in tenth grade, I did the talent show with my friend, David Bitts. Yes, the David Bitts. While I was juggling, I tried to take a bite of an apple I was juggling. When I took a bite, I started to suffocate. I had to be wheeled to the hospital, but I was okay. Then ten years later, I found a job with Dingling’s Sisters Circus as a clown. I still keep in touch with Murray Green, who is an bank teller. However, I do not stay in touch with David Bitts anymore. David thinks he’s so cool, and famous, that he can ignore his best friends.
My life is now juggling and being cramped in a car with other clowns. I however, have no regrets. I am proud of what I have done and the direction my life has we- Excuse, I have a call from Murray. Hello? You want to what!?! (whispering) You really want to do it. And take a hostage? Uh huh, I’ll wear my makeup. You just wear a skicap. Nobody will know who did it. Yeah, see you later. Nyuk yuk yuk!
Harvey Gimbel
Oh, hello it’s you. Do you want to take a picture with me. No? Okay, so what is it that you want? Excuse me, these men want to take a picture with me. Even though they’re adults, which is weird.
Oh, hooo, hoo, hoo, what would you like for christmas? The clown went “Hnnh” I said “How about a nice FOOTBALL? Footballs are fun... Is either one of you going to answer me?” The clown said in a gruff voice “No” I am trying to keep the conversation going, because these scary men are staring daggers at me “Ooh, look at you! You’re a clown, and you’re a, well, you’re a person wearing a skicap over your head. Now why would you do that? (gulp) Were you burned by acid, not that there’s anything wrong with that.” The masked man said in a rather high voice “No, but say one more thing and you're coming with me” I replied ”Umm, excuse me, did you just say you were hungry? (gulp)” The clown said “He said, ‘Come with me’, got it santa?” “Oh, you said ‘Come with me.’(gulp)” The clown said “You like toys, right?” “Yes...” “well, this a new toy I got for my birthday... It’s a crowbar. Do you know why I have a crowbar? ”Oh, I like your crowbar bar little... clown... boy.” The intimidating clown yelled out a strange noise, almost like “Harnk!” It was terrifying I sputtered out “ OhmigodI’mSO SORRY, I won’t call you clown boy again. Please don’t hit me!” “Then come in the van” “Okay, I’ll get in that big, menacing, dark, scary black van with you.” The man in the skicap chuckled, and said “Time to go to work. You ready, Henry?” Henry laughed maniacally and said “ Yes Murray; Lets go to the bank. I have some cash I want to.... withdraw. Nyuk yuk yuk!” I asked, to no answer,“Why do you want to go to the bank? (gulp)”
Murray Green
In the van, which smells a lot like moldy pizza, I asked Henry, who was driving, “Why did you pick up Santa?” he replied “ I always wanted to take him hostage for the gifts he gave me.” Santa said “I didn’t do that! Don’t blame me if you got socks for Christmas! Blame your parents, not me. Where’s your holiday spirit?” Henry said “Hey santa, I have some toys that I’m just aching to try out.” “What kind of toys?” “Oh, just the usual; Matches, hammers, saws, you know, that kind of thing.” “You should’ve been on the naughty list” “HEY SANTA, IF YOU WANT-” “Chill out,” I said “We’re at the bank, Now santa, here’s the plan. You go in, and you ask for seven hundred thousand dollars” “why seven hundred thousand dollars?” “‘Cause seven’s a lucky number...”
Bozo
Wow, my day has been a huge rush. I kidnapped santa, and now I’m going to rob a bank. Murray walked through the doors, and said “Everybody clear out! We're...Uh... Man, the movies make it seem easy to come up with a bank-robbing speech... Well, we're robbing the bank!” Santa said “Give us seven hundred thousand dollars, cash, but we take checks too.” I said “No we don’t!” He muttered feebly “Help me...He has a crowbar!”
David Bitts
I am waiting in line at the bank, because there is no teller for us. But then this clown, a guy in black, and Santa come through the doors. No, this is not another bad joke. They burst in through the doors, and the guy in black said, “Everybody clear out! We're...Uh... Man, the movies make it seem easy to come up with a bank-robbing speech... Well, we're robbing the bank!” Before, I had been thinking they looked familiar, but when I heard his voice I knew who it was. It was Murray, with that annoying high pitched voice of his, and the clown looked a lot like Harry. Even Santa looked like Santa. Imagine that! I slowly tiptoed over to him, and said in a soft voice “Hey Murray. It’s me. Don’t do this”
Murray Green
My bank robbery was going well, until this guy starts walking towards me. (Who walks toward a bank robber with a crowbar?) He looks like David, and my suspicions were confirmed when he talked to me. He was talking me out of it, and I was-
Harvey Gimbel
Hey, isn’t anyone going to listen to what I have to say!?!
Bozo
Chill Santa, he’s talking. You’ll be next. May I remind you I have a crowbar?
Murray Green
Anyway, David was talking me out of robbing the bank, and Santa was whimpering. I said “OK, david. You're right. I only did this because my life is boring. You never talk to me. Bozo is the only friend I have. That’s sad.” Harry was about to yell, when david said “I did try to keep in touch. I tried calling you, but the numbers just lead me to Dingling’s Sisters Circus, and the Second National Bank. This bank. I guess I can tell why now.”
Harvey Gimbel
Finally I get to talk! Anyway, we were in the bank, and the clown is holding a crowbar to my head. I was whimpering, and I wanted some cookies. (That's how in character I get) Luckily, the cops got in, and cleared the situation. They arrested that homicidal clown and his Insane friend. David Bitts, however, knew them, and vouched for them. They kidnapped me, man! Who’s supposed to watch my elves? Rudolph?
EPILOGUE
Henry Hughes
It’s been ten years since the robbery. We were arrested, and convicted of attempted robbery. David Bitts, however, paid our fines, and offered us a spot on his show. I am now makeup, since I had so much experience with clown makeup.. Murray is the stage manager, and he loves it. We are both so much happier now.
Murray Green
Every morning, I wake up and have some raisins and spice on my oatmeal. You understand what I mean.
