#inthetransition

[roxannedarling]

Day 9: 1092 Words

Writing with wine. It's a new thing for me. I generally write in the morning but today was occupied with several other requirements. So here I am at Happy Hour, red wine sitting pretty on my desk.

I just noticed I got a partial mark for yesterday - as I write slightly less than 750 words. Boo Hoo Hoo! "I won't let that happen again!" said my delightful head room monitor. :-)

I had a rough day. The so-called news has been getting to me. Which is really a sign, on a deeper level, that I've been lured back into the Hierarchical Game by her sirens. So I think today I am going to use the words to talk more about the Transition Game, as that's where I find my solace and my comfort and my freedom.

The Transition Game: I am the divine incarnate, walking the earth playing with limits and boundaries, space and time. So are you. So is everyone else - no exceptions. In my world view, it's impossible to exist without divine substance.

The Hierarchical Game: You and I are slime trying to learn or earn our back to God. There are pretend good things and bad things everywhere we turn, very much like mine fields.

Both games are LEGIT! But after having incarnated so many times to play the H Game, I am BORED. So now, there is this juicy delicious transition game and I am all over it.

Spirit created this place and all of us are bits of spirit. Which means, we are safe and, of course we all die. That is a known fact. What is speculated on a lot, mostly by religions in my limited experience, is what happens before and after death. I only know one little piece - we are from Source and to Source we return. What is happening now, is that Spirit is playing with limits and boundaries, space and time. Where we come from - there  is none of that. No boundaries. No space. No time.

It takes effort to be here. Physicality is a real challenge. By design. Why bother to incarnate if all one wants is the unlimitedness of the other realm? Showing up, coming here, is a choice and an opportunity to play in a completely different way.

To play with being separate, not connected. To play with endless imperfections. To play with things that make no sense at all. To play with this magnificent universe of universes where there is no absolute criteria for anything, where there is no right or wrong, good or bad, where each person (see above) is the divine incarnate walking the earth playing with limits and boundaries, space and time.

We can't pick and choose who is a "child of god" as the saying goes. By virtue of showing up, you and I are evidence of spirit coming into form, for the sole purpose of playing.

Look at all the games and sub-games we, as units of the collective consciousness, have created to entertain ourselves: The pretend games of karma, religion, war, righteousness, right and wrong, good and bad, debts, powerlessness, rules, systems, politics and every "thing" you can think of. Each thing has it's own subplots and rules and rule-breakers, etc.

Look at us! We made all that stuff!

There are no new souls. Everyone here is an "old soul" - by that I mean everyone here has been incarnated many many times. Life in the realm of limits and boundaries has become incredibly complex, there is so much to manage on the physical level, that I believe souls who haven't done this before would shatter around conception - overwhelmed  by the incredible complexity of BEING IN FORM. The opposite of being timeless, formless.

Me, being incarnated as this person this time, is really bothered by the US policy of separating children from their parents at the border. Me, this human, in this time and place, don't like that one bit.

My spirit voice reminds though: Every person, animal, plant, rock here now, is here by choice. And by experience. It's impossible to be here without being spirit. Spirit choice to have all of these experiences. Before and after this human experience of limits and boundaries in space and time, we are all safe. Just like movie plots are becoming increasingly daring with the exploration of good and bad, peace and violence, so is spirit playing with all that shit here in form.

I believe this because I have been studying with channeled entities, called The Guyz, for 25 years. And, because this idea, this concept, is the most logical and rational explanation I have discovered in my 65 years in this lifetime of research. And because I have "improved" my life by having this belief. I've discovered that freedom that comes with REMEMBERING I am the divine incarnate, that I can do what I want, and SO CAN EVERYONE else. In form, there are consequences. As an adult human of spirit origin, I can deal with the consequences. Worst that can happen is I die.

So what? Everyone dies. I can come back immediately if I want. And so can you.

Before I close, (well over my 750 words), these experiences are here as part of the game. They allow me to experience the motions of disgust and shame at what our government is doing to the refugee children. And it allows the children themselves, as spirit, to play this game in the ways they are playing. I realize this is a very difficult idea to integrate, if you are new to it.

But if the rules of religion and righteousness were really true, they would never allow the things that are happening. To see what is happening as a direct parallel to what we watch on movie screens, with a truly happy ending for all souls, is the only thing that makes sense to me.

Consciousness is everything. Play the game however you want. (I tweeted my disgust with the US policy even as I accept that those are choices made by other spirit beings.) It is a very challenging version of reality to understand and accept. I've played deeply with it for 25 years (repetition, I know) and still, I find it hard. In my mind I fully accept that there is nothing wrong with the world - everything that is happening is doing so by design and approval of Spirit. The fact that I don't like it? It's all part of the game.

1092 Words

[roxannedarling]

Shit. Fuck. Poop. Piss.

I'm really happy about noticing the shift in my writing since being here. I've written about 35,000+  words so far, which seems like a lot. But whatever it takes, is good with me, to find a more authentic voice of mine. For who I am now.

One thing that is obvious is that I use so-called swear words some. I have used them most of my life in private conversations, but, always avoided them in public writing and public talks, conversations. I do respect my audiences and there are times when fuck or goddam is not energetically appropriate. I am aware of and LOVE the power of words – that power is often over-looked. At the same time, there is me. And who I am. This writing, here and now, is for me. I don't imagine anyone is even reading it. But if you are, you've opted in - no one hired me to be here and make people feel good or educated about anything.

I have struggled a lot growing up with the pressure to be the daughter my parents wanted and expected and created. I incorporated so much of their intentions into my being. I've written many times before about my extreme codependency, my desire to please and be of use and to not make waves. These habits really reinforced the parent protocols. So much so, that a lot of it became unconsciously embedded in my psyche, in my actions, in my thoughts.

I suppose this is a similar process for many growing, For me, though, I believe the parent protocols were especially intense. As were my desires and my own goals. As is my current desire to be free of their influence without rejecting the parts I like. So that's meant I've been involved in this 40+ year process of turning over every stone in my path, to ask: Is this me or is this someone else's version of me? To be honest, my ease at incorporating the parent protocols led me to adopt all kinds of other people's protocols.

it was my default: What do you want and how do you want it? I aim to please! Much of this led me to be a well-loved consultant. Funny, though, how it suffered from the law of diminishing returns in personal relationships. This is the codependent's dilemma: you spend so much energy making others' happy that when you can't do that or choose not to do it now and then or expect reciprocity, well, the shit hits the fan. And it sprays all over. The codependent will often do the cleanup. But these bags of poop ferment into foul resentments.

So now I swear in public. It's part of who I am. I love the word fuck and being a body-aware and body-positive person, I'm not offended by the things the body does or the things it produces.

:-)

Shit. Fuck. Poop. Piss.

Where does goddammit fit into this lexicon? It's not body-related on the surface. My first response is that religion failed me and is a construct I don't buy into. I was raised Catholic. Though imagine this: my mom was Catholic and my father was not. I did got to Catholic schools through 9th grade. They taught religiously that non-Catholics would not go to Heaven. At best, they might make it to Limbo.

"So, umm, that includes my father?" I don't recall ever asking that question. I do recall having my knuckles rapped by a yard stick plenty of times. I repressed then finally recalled the years my father molested me. So, maybe he doesn't belong in this place called Heaven. Of course, now, I don't believe in Heaven and Hell, but they sure were powerful ideas that circled my head continuously, in place of a halo, as I was a child in Catholic school.

I suppose it's good news that I repressed so much. From this current perspective, knowing what I know about my fear of authority, desire to please, avoidance of wave-making, how could I possibly have done anything but forget the night time abuse in time to go to school each morning. I actually consider it an amazing skill Now to move my attention onto things that matter. I'm proud of having really developed my Ignoring Muscle, so I can preserve my energy, my sanity, my life force.

So here's my transitional take: nothing is bad or good. It's all about the energy, it's about context. It's about here and now. It's about self-preservation and doing whatever it takes, for that. I've never thought it was bad for me to hide the incest, to erase my unpleasant memories, to highlight and emphasize my happy memories. My co-dependence and people-pleasing gave me something concrete to focus on so my brain didn't have room to think about the horrors. Oh, the horrors. Closets are quite useful in this context and I'm glad I didn't have to deal with them as a young girl. I've been much better suited to deal with it as an adult.

To those who complain about adulting, I say this: Adulting for me has been a serious of painful yet liberating experiences that have resulted in more joy than I thought was possible. I don't want to go back to childhood.

883 Words

[roxannedarling]

What color do I want my hair to be?

(from my personal journal)

Hi.

My eyes are itchy and hurting, my vision a little blurry, my nose is irritated and my throat is itchy and yes, my allergies are a bitch right now. I am writing for the first time and the new studio. A few distractions and not the ideal ergonomic thing yet. (Not to self, order a comfortable and adjustable height stool pronto!) And yet, Here I Am. yay for me! (Second note to self. How nice to give your self credit out loud. It's for you. Good job, Rox!)

I am here today with a question: what color should I dye my hair, if any? I have an appointment today and I am confused on the topic. Here are the issues swimming around in the swampy space of my awareness:

There is blonde-shaming happening these days.

There was a large screen shot of over 20 fox news hosts all with blond hair and a lot of makeup and I have this long standing challenge of looking like a newscaster than I can't seem to escape. That is not who I am, dammit!

There is the trope of the rich white woman - which I have actually integrated successfully I believe. That is an accurate descriptor of me - I can accept that and define it for myself on my own terms. Is there a disproportionate share of blondes in that group? Perhaps. I don't know for sure.

I am now claiming my space as an An Artist. I have official permission from the inside out to just be me and if that means a little weird, or a lot weird, so be it.

My natural state as a child was blonde. My natural state Now is dark brown with reddish hints when I am in the sun.

I have no conscious attachment to needing to be "natural."

I am just starting to get a few gray hairs - barely visible.

I love the look of all silver - alas, I am nowhere near that just yet.

I don't like the look of 'aging' brown with gray roots. There is a dullness, an absence of life force that I feel when I see that look - more so on women with longer hair than on men. It just looks normal on men. It's not easy to write those words. But still, this is what is true for me right now. Of course, I do not judge any woman who wants to go au natural at this stage of life – in fact, I admire it in many ways. I am preferential to more sparkle.

Can I ignore the blonde stereotypes and stay blonde - though my hair at the moment is about half and half, to be truthful. I  have the blonde near my face, with some dark brown natural near my face, too.

On the surface, "do what you want, Rox, and ignore everyone else out there!" are words that I accept and that I believe.

But in typing the above notes, a few things energetically grabbed my attention. "blonde as a child" - well, I am a grown woman and I don't need or want to be who I was 60 years ago. It feels like some sort of unnecessary justification for staying blonde that I don't need or want.

Underneath it all is that I want to be seen as who I am, not as who I pretended to be for so long. Built in is this thing of other people seeing me. OK, that's a little problematic. What do I care? Why don't I just look the way I want to look? How I look and how I feel are interconnected in all kinds of ways. That's a big topic! I work diligently to stay a certain weight, to keep my posture upright, to be fit, to be thin - yes, thin - because all those things help me Feel Better and feel More Like Me. I know there is this whole side story about feeding into mainstream culture. About thinness being problematic in and of itself, But in true Hierarchy vs Transition game theory, all these hypocritical and contradictory constructs are here to Play With not to take seriously over here in my Transition.

In my transition in consciousness, I can do anything I want for any reason or for no reason.

I forgot to mention that I actually like coloring my hair in different ways - but - I also love swimming several times a week (in chlorine pools) so that means spending money on fancy dyes is usually a waste – it washes out in a week or less.

OK, so time is about up for this exercise. What is my bottom line? What do I think I'll tell the stylist in a few hours?

For now, I like how I look with the contrast of dark natural brown with a "shock" of blonde near my face. I don't see a need to change at this moment. My cut is edgy – so I have that. And I am Not Trying to Prove Anything to Anyone. That is the main thing here I want to take away. It's none of my business if people are confused by my appearance. It's none of my business if people see something in me that they think means something that is not me.

I want my energy to be clean, clear. free of discrepancies. FREE OF MY OWN DISCREPANCIES without a care in the world for anyone else’s! So much of the feminist movement is about being true to oneself, and finally, letting others have their own opinions, triggers, judgments, etc, for themselves. None of my business. For now, I'm in the partly blonde section of the giant hologram, because it makes me happy when I see myself. It may still be fed by the neuroses of my past or the culture, but again, this is who I am for now. There is nothing wrong with me, on the soul level. I can change my mind anytime. Mostly, I want to "set it and forget it" as fussing over my hair is not something I enjoy. I am a wash and go girl! No blow dryer, no styling, just give me a cut that doesn't require fuss and a little color and I'm actually quite happy.

1060 Words

[roxannedarling]

To Do List: Consciousness Explorations

(my journal)

Back in the swing of things. yay for me. Not in a great mood yet, though I am working on it. So let's find the topic du jour. First, praise. I stuck to my plan yesterday about reducing time on social media. It was a definite win. Felt like I accomplished more on my lists and spent less time worrying about politics. It's a curious paradox that I don't want to talk about it (not give it any more air time or thought space) yet I am fascinated by observing it. So it's a curious case of FOMO, right? No need to put out the fires or start new ones. Just want to track them so I am aware of what's going on. Of course, I will know, I suspect, when big shit hits the fan. So I'm sticking with the "fascinated" part of things - that I suspect have a dose of safety issues in the mix.

So I meanwhile have all these tasks in my Todoist that are being ignored. I put them there because I want to do them or at some point they are required to be done. Those are different things, naturally. One of them is from January - 8 months ago. Several others are from 4-5 months ago. Some are a month old. Some get put on there with seemingly plenty adequate future dates, and those too are past due. I am still, apparently, quite confused in my present self about what my future self will want to be doing or should be doing.

Wild Thought: What if I stopped making lists and just did things as I thought of them?

First response: Hey, but what about the really important things that need to be done...

Hold off, if they are really important won't I remember to do them?

Umm, yeah, good question. OK, I just deleted two of them. One is not yet relevant if I'm honest with myself and the other will be handled by my financial advisor. The others are things I put there to give me ideas for when I have a block of time and am not sure what to do. Mind you, I rarely have those blocks of time. So these items sit there and I feel guilty. So they are going to move over to a wish list of some sort, not a to do list. Just changing the language is helpful already.

Taking The Transition literally can be quite the exercise in consciousness. I move in and out of 'taking it seriously' or as Ava would say, "How willing am I to let this be real?" In theory, super real, baby! Bring it on! In practice, ummm, I'll put that off til later. Or, well, I could do that but really, it's ok, I can keep doing things as I used to do them.

Don't upset the apple cart is 1) a strange metaphor for me since I didn't grow up on an apple farm, and 2) so damn fear-based for often no reason. Other than, the reason of don't upset the status quo. The status quo is so deeply embedded in my psyche - and out there in the world, too - that I'm a little amazed thinking about it now. I see the tide I am swimming against, anyone of us is swimming against, when thinking new ideas or wanting new things (by things, I mean feelings, experiences, relationships. policies, etc).

Group mind. Group think. Group talk. Group action. On the one hand, it's so powerful, yeah, I know. How do I play with that power? How do I use it or ignore it on a case by case basis instead of being swept up in it unconsciously or not tapping into, unconsciously?

*** Consciousness is everything. Such a helper, such a shortcut. Such a friend. And some days, such effort. But instantly I remember that I chose to come here, chose to incarnate and walk the earth, playing with limits and boundaries, space and time. So of course consciousness takes effort. But it's like a primary effort - like a primary number - other efforts flow from it. It's a base. It's a respite. It gives strength even as it requires effort. It gives clarity, even as it demands courage. It rewards even as it asks for nothing.

It's pretty cool, really. I like it. I would not be here without it. And that is my Truth for now.

753 Words

[roxannedarling]

Day 29: 774 Words

I saw a comment on Twitter the other day - something to the extent of "if I am online, I am outraged by all the insanity. But if I stay offline, is my silence contributing to it?"

I can relate.

I am a bit pissy right now just from 5 minutes of Twitter. I do not want to regurgitate all that has already been said. I seek original thinking and more so, I seek Transitional thinking.

Thinking that starts with, This is all a game.

A part of my brain thinks - don't go online. Stay away from the news. You can be safe without it. You are definitely happier without it. You can have a say in creating your own reality and you don't have to be up to date on the latest slurs, insults, policy hijacks, etc.

When and if things turn the tide, you will know about it.

It is OK that millions of people are consumed by this and are following it closely. You are not a slacker, Roxanne, if you want to make art outside of it. If you want to do things in your life that serve you first. That is one of the responsibilities of each human - to take care of yourself first.

All of this guilt you are feeling is coming from the sirens of the Hierarchy. They want you to feel scared, to feel weak, to feel lost, to feel powerless.

But you know, you aren't powerless.

It's all about the energy. You can change your world and even other worlds by your own intentions, your own actions. Even your non-actions. Withdrawing your attention is one of the most powerful things you can do. You are feeling more clearly where the line is between:

This is wild! I want to watch and see what's happening! I want to support those efforts I believe in!

versus

OMG it's a shit show day in and day out and I feel angry when I read about it. I feel sad. I feel powerless. I feel guilty.

Those latter things are not very useful, FOR YOU, Roxanne. You are more of a lover than a fighter. Self-awareness. Self-knowledge. Self-understanding. Self-acceptance. Those are the tools in your box - use them and use them some more.

This is a holographic ecosystem in which you live. You can be a voice for calm, for cheer, for optimism, for insight - and first you must talk to yourself in these ways.

Your self-care - put it front and center, reactivate it every hour.

Some people love arguing. Some people love uncovering. Some people love fabricating stories.

Who are you? What do you want, Roxanne?

How willing are you to let this be real?

Is the universe 100% for you or do you think it is less? These times, these times when things are maddening and confusing and upsetting, this is when you get to face that belief front and center.

-----

Yes, this is my Transition. Thank you for the reminders. I dint it funny and ironic that most of my life I was an outsider, pretending to be an insider. I am still wanting to fit it, after all this time rebelling. Such a classic conflict of discrepancies.

I don't need to fit it. Just because I am interested in people and their stuff from time to time does not mean I have to bend myself into twisted painful shapes to have them like me.

Imagine if I didn't worry if anyone liked me? Including my partner? God knows how much of my life I have used up trying to make him happy, conforming to his neuroses to create the illusion of calm and connectedness in my life.

Yes, it's a tough time right now to be facing all this. But of course, I am facing it because it is a tough time. Yeah, like that popular quotes, tough times show you who you are. At least, who you are in the tough times. I want to draw on the person I am, in the not so tough times. And bring her over to these tough times now.

Keep on digging for what will make me happy. How to support myself. How to create an environment that supports me and my desires, my process. That is my job. I like that job, too. I am prepared to work hard at it or slack at it, as the situation calls.

"If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly." G. K. Chesterton

Don't get stressed or stopped by perfection. Take whatever messy 'yeses' come your way, Rox.

774 Words

[roxannedarling]

Day 27: 815 Words

Back home after a mini away stay for myself. I am so curious about staying overnight in a different area of this island I live on. Maui - so diverse. The vibe can change so much in just a 20 mile distance.

I don't feel like writing right now. The little checkbox is supporting me. I have a strong mind and in that mind is a giant space for self-discipline. I don't want praise or kudos for doing it; I am doing it for myself.

I just want it to be done.

Haha, I want the credit, I want the practice, I want the results. I just don't want the process right now.

Is it just me or is virtually everyone on the internet giving advice these days? It's spouting everywhere, on every platform, from platitudes and pretty pics to these long tomes on an Instagram photo going into way too much detail about one's challenges and how they conquered them, and how and why you (aka me, as I'm the reader) should do all this too.

I am embarrassed that I too used to be in the advice business. People told me I was really good at it. When I taught classes, I earned solid 5-star ratings. I have glowing testimonials. I observe that this self-revealing style with a full coating of "you should so this" is very popular now and it seems to work.

But what about the energy? It is so stale and so phony for me. But the more I learn, it seems that indeed our brains love this stuff! We love being voyeurs inside other people's live. We love being told what to do - it seems easier than figuring things out ourselves. We love having really time-consuming and complex life changes / life pursuits reduced down to 10 steps. Or better yet, only 3 steps!

I fall for it too. I mean, c'mon, I am a human and I have the same wiring. I am constantly working to upgrade and untangle that wiring though. I say this not to brag. And especially not to do that horrendous thing called a humble brag. That raises my blood pressure even typing it here with maximum disdain!

No, I am here for this transition in consciousness. To think and act and most of all feel differently. To base all actions on the idea that

NONE OF THIS MATTERS.

That is so huge. Really huge. Really fun to talk about from the cloud view, the philosophical and theoretical view. Damn fucking hard on a case by case basis though. Because in the moment, this thing, whatever it is, feels so damn important. It feels like it matters, or like it should matter.

But the sidebar to none of this matters is that everything here is a game.I frequently misinterpret the meaning of that. Just because it is all a game – and after death all us divine should return to the infinite bliss – doesn't mean that I shouldn't care, or have passions, or want to try things. And in trying things, in caring, in being passionate, I can go as far as I want without worry, because

NONE OF THIS MATTERS.

Yes, it is a hologram and no matter where I start I can end up over here in the Transition or I can get distracted over in the Hierarchical Game. Where everything matters all the time.

It's all about the energy. It's about intention. It is not the actions themselves, but rather, the intention. In the Hierarchy, that passion must have and serve a purpose. In the Transition, it's for fun. It can have a purpose, but that purpose is just as fleeting as the clouds. it may change. Not getting attached to the results of what you do - that's the vibe in the Transition. (Even though Buddhism claims to be ground central for detachment, its not possible because of the threat of the Bardo, right?) In the Hierarchy, there's always one more rule and one more threat and one more contradiction that makes it the ultimately interesting and unwindable game!

So ,you do you. I'll do me. I haven't figured out how to let you know who I am though, and whether you'd like to buy my art or have lunch with me or take a swim in the ocean.

I am pretty sure, though, that I'm not gonna be one more "look at me" person on Instagram

Before I wrap, I do want to remind myself that I am a largely private yet also open person. I don't need attention, often the days don't even want it. But I'm also not shy and I enjoy sharing when there's two-way interest.

I like the idea of the AMA – ask me anything – because it's a two way. I like two ways, it appears, not one ways.

815 Words

[roxannedarling]

Day 11: 767 Words

Hmmm. The website, 750words.com and Firefox, conspired to make me think I had written 1092 words today. It cached a copy from two days ago. Weird. My box for today is already checked and I'm only 34 words in.

Such is the case of relying on others to meet my goals.

Such is the case to forgive someone else's error.

Such is the case to spend a few minutes confused, clicking around, trying to find my way in someone else's home.

Such is the case to write as long as I can while my partner is making lunch, starting, even though I doubt I'll finish.

Such is the case, that I am now presented with an option to cheat on the visual interface. It marked me done! I can quit now, at 130 words, if all I wanted was the approval of a website.

Such is the case, that I write for myself, for my practice, to explore forms and language and mood.

Such is the case that I am now letting it sink in, that I enjoy writing - even as I understand all the incredible resistance I have to sitting down and doing it. I love playing with words, with form, with energy.

Such is the case that writing down all of this positivity supports my good feelings and reminds me that, yes, I can do this.

Such is the case that it's a very dark and gloomy day on this spot of Maui. I'm happy and grateful that I swam this morning - a very vigorous and happy swim, in and of itself.

Such is the case that I deeply and completely accept myself. My radical self-acceptance cup is over-flowing today. It's like I am in the center of a gratitude hologram and that's all I am experiencing from every vantage point.

Such is the case that I have a wide range of complex feelings about data and statistics. The parts I love are the ones that show me how I am doing - it can show my ups and my downs and I'm an agnostic supporter of both. I don't like it when they're used as a "bully pulpit." Actually, I don't like those words or that concept either.

Such is the case that I am AOK with being challenged, and, I want to be supported not denigrated in my challenges.

Such is the case that no matter how passionately I feel about something, no matter how hard I work or how often I slack, at the end of the day I believe: None of this matters.

Such is the case that understanding this life is all a game is how I find an opening into being free to be me. As the saying goes, everyone else is already taken. And still, there is the urge to fit in. At least, I don't do it "at all costs" any longer.

Such is the case that I am happy to pay whatever it costs to stand in my own body, with my own mind and thoughts, with my own loneliness and isolation as the case may be some days.

Such is the case that this is first time I've experimented with writing in a recurring structure like this. I like this. It feels like gas in the tank, something that is keeping me going even if I take my hands off the wheel, it's still guiding me in the direction of 750 words.

Such is also the case that it's allowing me to go deeper, rather than having a few superficial thoughts and then moving on to the next batch of superficial thoughts.

Such is the case that I LOVE The Transition in consciousness and want to shout it from the rooftops.

Such is also the case that The Transition is such a huge topic, that I often don't know where to begin.

Such is the case that The Transition has the ability to touch every aspect of my mind, body, heart, and soul. So when I start to talk about it, it instantly fills the space like molecules rushing into a vacuum. Those molecules are dancing all over the place, as if to say, "Look at this here! Oh, and over here! And what about this previously empty corner! And wow! There's a ceiling, too!"

Such is the case that even in a huge ballroom or Grand Canyon of molecules, I can still choose to focus on one wall and explore that one place.

Such is the case that I have now written over 750 words, for real, today. (21 minutes)

767 Words

[roxannedarling]

Day 10: 906 Words

I took the weekend off.

No writing here on Saturday or Sunday and I am perfectly happy about that. It also means I have empty boxes on the 750words.com site where I am doing this writing exercise. The first time I got an empty box, after three days in, I felt bad about it. When I got a partial X, indicating I wrote but not a full 750 words, I felt a little irritated.

Now, I am experiencing some eclectic ecstasy see more empty boxes. (BTW, I want to have an art show under that title.) So many of the apps, ideas, threads on TW, etc today are geared to making people submit to them, rather than existing to support me. I know, they say the entire design is *intended* to support. But what if the design invokes guilt as a motivator? What if it builds dependency on external motivation, (more check boxes, more Likes) rather than building intrinsic motivation to cultivate a truly satisfying and desired habit?

I'm down on the "tech bros" these days - so I admit my irritation up front. But in all fairness, how many app designers are over 25? How many have studied human psychology and the fine art of what builds people up and what tears them down? How many challenges have they taken on on their own lives that required learning subject matter entirely outside of their experience and/or comfort zone? Or that affected them emotionally in deep and confusing ways? It feels like kids playing - which is perfectly wonderful, but not when humans are getting addicted to their apps and causing the downfall of democracy, driving polarization, contributing to suicide and depression. What about all your "unintended" consequences?

Where is your humanity? How would you describe your humanity? You don't have to have any, I suppose. As I wrote earlier, each human being here is the divine incarnate walking the earth playing with limits and boundaries, space and time. So I'll repeat, these are my irritations. I'll own them, no problem.

Back to this website, here and now. I would love to have a toggle that only showed me how many days I have written. That's what is useful for me. I didn't start here until late May, and it shows me the entire month of May with mostly empty checkboxes - from before I even had an account. I find that inaccurate as well as demotivating.

And since I'm so good at arguing with myself (it's a trait I call "seeing all sides - it comes naturally to me, I don't have to work at it) I can add that I like the positive rewards and I don't like seeing my gaps. Am I frail and delicate and unable to handle tough love or all the data? Certainly not. I don't have time to give you a lot of details on that but I did get SCUBA certified at UC Berkeley so I could do research diving. The course was designed and taught by a Navy Seal, over 10 weeks of experiences – mental, physical, emotional – that most people I think would lump into the category called "living hell." When done, I was asked to be a teaching assistant for the next term as I was one of only two women who passed. Some of my nicknames have been "ice queen, buzz kill, ball buster."

I just prefer positive motivation. I prefer simplicity in apps that want to SUPPORT ME not drive their engagement or use the basest form of motivation. Let me engage to my own desire. Test on diverse teams - every imaginable type of diversity you can imagine: not just gender or ethnicity, but also age, education, psychological preferences (as can be gleaned from things like the Enneagram or Myers-Briggs.)

Wow, this has been one cranky rant today. I'm smiling and laughing now, it's outta me! I might add a caution at the top: Beware. Rant. No need to read this one unless you are not convinced that I can get cranky, that I can be less than nice and courteous, if you think that I don't have frustrations – because, indeed, I most often do put on a pretty face and a happy smile and tend towards motivational preaching if I don't catch myself.

I intentionally "gave up" preaching years ago. I'm still very vulnerable to it though: Preaching at the app developers to better understand me. And cater to my wishes. I like to think there's energetic give and take between making suggestions and being preachy. (Remember, it's all about the energy, in my world.) But I'm detached enough from my own opinions that I realize my wishes can easily be felt as preaching.

Have I told you how much I love being in this hologram? Where I can have goals and wishes and then perform like utter crap, miss two whole days of writing, and still remember that I too am the divine incarnate walking the earth playing with limits and boundaries, space and time!

At the end of the day, none of this matters. We all started in the same place. We all end up in the same place. All this stuff in between is a game and we each get to play it however we want. Rants and Raves. Silence and Shouts. Alone and All in. Changing from breath to breath, as so moved.

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