I have been going to this women’s group therapy/emotional intimacy training group for about five months now. And it’s been such an amazing journey of growth and beauty and connection--but also one that, at times, feels like I’m in stagnation because there are meetings where I don’t feel connected at all to the conversation; or too afraid to say what I’m really feeling; or hurt that someone didn’t verbalize their connection to my experience or that they seemed to connect more to someone else; etc. But I’m reminding myself that this IS part of the growth. The awkwardness, sitting in silence with everyone not knowing what to say or do, hoping someone else will talk first, feeling resentment/discomfort/helplessness at someone else’s story of pain.
Today, I made a really big step. One of the facilitators had said we should take a step back from discussing our sexual trauma as a collective group, because they felt like we were treading into dangerous ground of opening this very heavy and important and triggering can of worms without having developed the tools yet that we need. It made sense. But I also felt prickly and angry and resentful over the boundaries she had put out AFTER the fact, because I had felt so much freedom from sharing my story. Who was she to tell me that sharing my trauma last week wasn’t the right course of action? So I sat with this feeling until I knew it was what I was feeling, and eventually spoke up. “I started feeling very prickly and angry.. But sitting with it, I realize it makes sense. I didn’t know what to do with myself after sharing and hearing others’ stories. I felt so much anxiety and I just wanted to be held. And now I want to just learn, and do the work that we need to in order to get to that point where we can unpack the past in a productive and safe way. And I feel frustrated that we don’t learn this in a more concrete way.”
You could hear the frustration and anger in my voice. And I am so fucking proud of myself for being able to express that to a facilitator, a person in a position of authority. And I’m grateful for the facilitator’s graciousness.. and her kind but firm statement that she felt like I was putting the very massive responsibility of learning on her shoulders, and that she was going to give that back to me--thus having me practice the art of owning my shit and development as an adult.
Idk, I just feel like I’m seeing the fruits of my labor in so many areas of my life right now, and I’m especially proud of the fruit I see in the very area I have invested and rooted and planted my efforts. I am so goddamn joyous. I keep using that word lately, and it feels more apt--more deeply, bone-drenchingly genuine than just ‘happy.’