#intraspections

[theospectional]

reading st. augustine likee: man hand hook car door

[theospectional]

i'm addicted to how dumb I feel when I'm learning. And it's awesome cuz then it makes me wanna learn more, which in turn makes me feel dumb and the cycle repeats until maybe i'll be smart one day and not even know it, which is the only cool way to be smart.

[theospectional]

ok so im TIRED of keeping this inside and i have literally nobosy to talk abt this with, so here goes. i am obsessed with this crazy bitch on facebook named Kay Podgee. this woman believes that the earth is flat, cats can give you a parasite that makes you gay, and bats are demons, among many other things lmao. and facebook gave me a rising fan badge for her page HSKDBDKDBDKD i have never interacted with any of her posts but i do search her page every SINGLE day so like yeah.

but the reason i'm posting this here is cuz she's a rly intense christian, and her bible studies are unironically dope like i love the connections she makes and sometimes she lowkey COOKS!!! Lol and recently she's started talking a looootta shit abt paul, which is kinda crazy cuz most christians just accept paul cuz they've been taught to not question anything he said cuz his writings are part of the bible and the bible is perfect, etc. but she has basically rejected paul, abd she made this long post a while ago basically tearing him apart, but she deleted it like 2 days later!!!

luckily, i screenshotted the whole thing! teehee

so right away we got some numerology goin, hell yea! but i'm confused cuz i thought jesus has 12 disciples, and that apostles were a broader group. like i swear paul named ppl as apostles like junia for example who wasn't one of jesus' 12 DISCIPLES... like i don't remember jesus naming 12 APOSTLES. it's also interesting that she made sure to point out that paul had 13 letters too. like 12 is such a big number for the israelites cuz like there are 12 tribes of israel in the bible so like breaking that number and making it 13 makes paul look like rly bad lolol anyways

i loved this part loll cuz she's literally just right . like paul is so self centered and does frequently contradict jesus with his teachings. but the gospels also contradict themselves too... she's right tho paul did say those things. and the fool part is just fun to me like it's just so on the nose. and the tribe of benjamin thing!!! this is what im FCKING TALKING ABTTTT. like her mind!! i love that she read paul casually mentioning that he's a benjaminite and she's like hmm lemme check exodus to see what god said abt the benjaminites. like i wanna be able to read the bible like that. ask questions and go connect the dots. like that's so fun! i would love an hour with kay to pick her brain. but omg she actually believes it fr, i'm just having fun

THE PART ABT ACTS AND HIM BEING CALLED HERMES... IS CRAZY AND HONESTLY JUST SO COOL MAN. NOURISHED BY ZEUS. LIKE THIS IS AWESOME.

and okokok the part abt paul's original name being saul. bro. buddy. i need a moment. this is literally what i LIVE for. this waz a mind blowing revelation 2 me like im not jokong bitch. lemme explain it if u don't kniw the old testament: when israel was established as a nation, the whole idea was that god would be king. but every other nation had a king, abd they were all powerful and scary, so the israelites started pestering their prophets for a king, cuz they didn't trust god enough to let him be king and protect them (gee wonder why). so god is like fine, u want a king i'll give u a king, and he sucks. and his name is saul. so god is supposed to be king, but it's ruined by some guy named saul.

this is where it gets crazy... jesus comes and his whole thing is that he's the messiah, so the king that was promised by the prophets. the ideal servant king idea from deuteronomy. and if he's not just the messiah but god, he literally is the king of the whole world. and then who is the first point of contact we have after the time of jesus? the very earliest christian writer? paul, aka.. SAUL. cuz yeah a shit ton people in the new testament just have 2 fuckin namez for some reason. and pauls name is SAUL!!!! like do u see what i'm seeing. THE PATTERNS!! LOVE.

paulianity is crazy lmfao!!!! so yea idk why she deleted it cuz she keeps mentioning how she doesn't consider paul's letters to be canon... like it's just so fascinating to me!! she is SO CLOSE to just deconstructing at this point.. if u can undo the conditioning to believe that the bible is inerrant, what's stopping you from going 1 step further and realizing that the entire bible is in fact, not perfect? but i think she's too deep in spiritual psychosis for that to happen honestly, but still. utterly fascinating.

[theospectional]

i forget who it was who said that traditional Biblical marriage was between two men, but they were cooking. turns out the whole time it was adam and steve. adam is the father of the young girl, and he sells her as property to steve, who gets to do whatever he wants with his newly aquired property. that's Biblical marriage. let's hear a modern religious person say with their chest that they think that women should be bought and sold like the bible says, instead of just parroting over and over that queerness is an abomination...

[theospectional]

to do list for tomorrow:

- arts and crafs

- collapse

[theospectional]

i just have this incredibly lonely feeling that ill never be able to feel safe with anyone and i just feel like nobody else understands. i have friends and ive had relationships and i have some family but ive never known anyone i could fully relax and be myself with. so i isolate, even though its bad for me and i dont really have any fun, but its still somehow better than being around people because i have to be so alert the entire time and its exhausting. will i ever be able to just let go and feel safe around another person? or am i doomed to stay in survival mode forever, even around the people who love me?