i’m a psychologist, olivia, you don’t have to make a deal with me.
let’s just call it... quid pro quo. you’ve got a job to do, and i want to be done... with this, with you, yeah?
age fifteen, fresh off the luxury superyacht. jang eunsol becomes olivia jang, but nothing really changes. she’s still unsightly, pockmarked and marked out, different from most other kids—and now it’s not just within the cheap, popcorn walls of school. she brings a souvenir of seoul with her, cracked cavity in her chest and watercolour bruises she has to hide with what must look like circus makeup. it makes her expect worse, whispers scratching at her, giftwrapped to the mouths of wolves in shallow ribbons of blood red. she still flinches at hands raised over her head.
but the hands and the other shoe don’t drop. a girl greets her, a hand held out. her eyes are warm, and brown, and kind. a loveliness owned only by the securely loved. eunsol smiles despite herself and the hollow parts of her that have long since been dug out feel a phantom ache. hi, the girl says, you’re new? lets be friends.
age sixteen, she spends it learning how to be sweet. olivia jang can’t quite escape the soft rot of jang eunsol, but she learns to cover up the stench that lingers with saccharine and perfume. learns to smile, with careful words and careful eyes, borrows some of the shine that trickles effortlessly from the girl’s lovely eyes. the girl holds out her hand and lets her in. makes an opening for her in the girl’s heart to steal in, undoing the strings around the thing that beats inside the girl, she cuts them on her teeth, frayed and straining to keep it in her chest. the heart and the people around it, she snatches them away one by one on gifts and honey words.
so she takes it for herself, those lovely eyes and still fresh heart. this is how she learns, reinvents the wheel she’d run away from. now she’s heavy with loveliness, pedal on the wheel, and the girl spins empty on it.
age seventeen, on the cusp of. olivia jang finally discards jang eunsol, but that’s not the only rusted chain she needs to snap away from her life. the girl hangs from her hold, scarred and swollen with hurt, the sort of grief that rises when there’s nothing else to be found at the bottom of her soul. she feels... is it guilt? her new heart protests, to be so like the ones she ran away from, but watercolour fades and she’s left with the stark black outlines of popularity, paint by numbers ready.
she espies the precipice, the exact angle at which the girl begins to fall, and doesn’t hold out her hand. she burns away the evidence, metaphorically, symbolically. literally. but she didn’t mean for it to get so out of hand. who can say she did, when she wasn’t found anywhere near the girl? they interview her, after the fact, when the headlines are screaming about accidents and cruel teens. friends? she says, oh, we were, but we weren’t really close.
age eighteen, and she’s become unstoppable. olivia jang is who she is, queen bee, no longer just regent. her shadow burnt off in the blaze; make way for the ultraviolet teenage riot, don’t try it. the school grounds are repaved for her reign, over the ugliness that still rings a telltale tattoo whenever she smiles. the girl’s heart still beats, buried under the floorboards of her chest. she drowns out the heartbeat with adoring chatter and praise she surrounds herself with. smiles with the eyes that she could call her own, and thinks she has nothing to fear. now, she’s perfect and loved.
( just like the girl had been, but the girl doesn’t exist anymore.
even the loveliest of hearts has a best-by date. )
age twenty five, back on the carousel, carnival ride she can’t get off of. olivia jang returns to jang eunsol, like an old swimsuit she forgot about years ago. too small for comfort, faded and disappointing. has to make herself smaller to squeeze into it, feels lumps where the seams of her old life pinch at her skin. there’s a new heart sitting in her chest—mint for the season, the trendiest new accessory. one to turn heads when she inevitably gets off the spinning horses, magnificent come back moment for the ages. there’s a quick, low, soft sound, muffled by the designer coats she layers over her chest, as she walks into the psychologist’s office.
it’s unwise, but wisdom is a weak master. power and beauty are the ones that matter. she’s got the latter, and a confession lies on the path to the former. so she lets the doctor spread her open, secrets spilling out. her own voice pitches louder, and more, and faster, and so does that terrible sound. louder, and louder, borrowed heartbeats beating an erratic, unsynchronised rhythm. fingers dig into the dips and grooves of her ribcage, pressing in on that transplant heart. pops it out of her, catching on her teeth, and stains the sheets of the doctor’s notes.
you know, i fucked the last guy who tried to psychoanalyse me, too.
did you, now?
yeah. you should put that in your notes.
〚CONFIDENTIAL〛TRANSCRIPT OF CONSULTATION
subject: nam, yoonsu (elias)
d.o.b: 1995-jul-23
▷ hey doc! nice to meet you.
► it’s a pleasure to meet you too, mr. nam. thank you for coming in.
▷ ah, my apologies. i should have called you ‘doctor lim’ instead, huh? i fear using honorifics still trips me up from time to time
► whatever is most comfortable for you, mr. nam.
▷ got it. well thanks... doc. you can call me whatever makes you comfortable too.
► thank you... shall we get started?
▷ sure. hit me.
EXCERPT A: INTRODUCTION
► great, let us begin. do you know why you’re here today?
▷ hmm, i couldn’t say for sure. but i’m open to therapy, i’ve always wanted to try. i mean i’m sure you know this already, but it’s all the trend nowadays. all my friends back in the states are doing it.
► well, this isn’t exactly a therapy session. therapists and psychiatrists aren’t quite one and the same. anyways, we’re really just hoping to get to know you a little better.
▷ aww cute. i’d love to get to know you better too. wait-- am i being recorded? audio or video?
► oh, i’m sorry. yes, we are recording to ensure quality control. i believe it was in the disclaimer form you signed on your way in. is there an issue with that? i can assure you we take patient privacy very seriously here.
▷ *laughs* relax, doc. i’m kidding. believe me, i’ve got nothing to hide. and i trust you. you seem like a good enough guy. just saying if i knew there were going to be cameras, i could’ve dressed up a bit nicer for you.
EXCERPT B: CHILDHOOD AND UPBRINGING
► umm... alright mr. nam. how about you start by telling us a bit about yourself. where are you from? you mentioned you have ‘friends in the states’ just now.
▷ sure thing. i’m elias, eli, yoonsu — whichever you prefer. born and raised in new york city, but i was quite the jetsetter since an early age. i have family spread all over the world, from tokyo to paris to brazil, you name it. maybe you’ve heard, but us nams know how to get around... i’m kidding.
► interesting. well how was growing up in new york city?
▷ new york is great. lots to do and lots to see. it’s arguably the center of the world, which is precisely the type of place i want to be in. and growing up was fine. let’s be real, my life wasn’t all that hard. i was naturally good at school, and puberty treated me well. money clearly was never an issue, and my parents thankfully were not around all that much.
things just worked out for me pretty smoothly, and when i did get in trouble, i got out of it just as smoothly. i had a healthy corner of people who admired me, another that envied me, but all in all, my childhood was pretty vanilla. i suppose that’s a blessing, though kind of boring.
► ‘normality’ is not necessarily a bad thing. our society often has a tendency to seek out over-stimulation and take everyday things for granted. that being said, what might have you found most fulfilling then?
▷ hmm... maybe people? i realize this is douchey for me to say of myself... but people come very easily to me. i’ve never had issues making friends. hold on, someone just taught me this bit of korean slang the other day... ‘insider’? yeah, i think that’s it. i’m definitely one of those.
► ah, so friendship is something you highly value.
▷ sure, i suppose you could say that. key to a fulfilling life, right?
► do you have a best friend? what’s that person like?
▷ umm... yeah. well-- no. i mean, not no, but that’s like asking someone to... pick a favorite food or something. you can’t just pick.
EXCERPT C: RECENT WHEREABOUTS
► sure... that’s fair then. now what brings you to korea?
▷ *chuckles* well this ‘event,’ obviously. your friend, choi yong? or is he not your friend?
► yes, the chairman is a long-trusted partner of mine. sorry if i was unclear. i meant to ask about before the invitations were sent out. i believe you were in the country before then?
▷ not going to ask how you knew that... but yes, i’ve been here for the last year or so now. just by... circumstance. well not here here in seoul. down south where it’s far less exciting, in outskirts of daegu somewhere. interestingly enough, korea might be the one place i surprisingly haven’t spent all that much time in while growing up. only short-term visits here and there. but i enjoy seoul-- and am enjoying it now.
► well i’m glad to hear you’ve been enjoying your time in seoul so far. why daegu though? is there family there too?
▷ ehh, sort of. distant relatives or something, but they could’ve been paid actors for all i know. though if the goal was to make me as miserable as possible, my parents really found the perfect place and perfect folks to be suffocatingly plain and nosy. i’m sorry, that was sort of mean, wasn’t it? i mean, i’m sure they’re nice people. probably just another ‘cultural difference’ or something.
EXCERPT D: FAMILY RELATIONS
► no need to apologize to me. but let’s circle back on that bit you just mentioned. why would your parents would want you to be miserable?
▷ great question, doc. i ask myself that all the time. i’ll ring them up and you can ask them for me. maybe they’ll actually listen to you, since you’re a doctor.
► so you are still in contact with them? how is your relationship with your parents?
▷ *sigh* no, not really.
► ...
▷ ... you good, doc?
► oh sorry. i was expecting that you would say more given that you’ve been... pretty chatty so far.
▷ i’ll take that as you complimenting my korean. much appreciated! but in all seriousness, i don’t have all that much to say about the parents. and if you’re curious whether i have daddy issues or anything, you can just go ahead and ask. i’m hard to offend. the answer is no, by the way.
► 'daddy issues’ is not a recognized psychological condition, mr. nam. grossly misrepresented in popular culture and neither what i’m asking nor implying of you. would there be any other ‘father problems’ you’ve been having though?
▷ oh, so you got jokes, doc. i like it. valiant effort, so you know what? i’ll tell you. the main issue is that i almost became a daddy.
► i was actually asking about your relationship with your father... but that’s also interesting to know. is the episode you’re referring to a source of conflict between you and your parents?
▷ ah, i see. well it’s fine if you know. i don’t see anything wrong about a potential pregnancy with my girlfriend of all people. it’s a whole lot better than the other bullshit theories in the tabloids about what the hell is going on with me.
let’s just say i think my parents’ decision to banish me to rural nothingness was very much uncalled for. forget the ‘responsibilities of parenthood.’ i bet they were just afraid i’d go get married to a ‘pleb’ or something. their words, not mine. evidently we have very different values, and that’s fine. but their retaliation towards me, my inheritance, my lifestyle, the whole shitshow around the abortion? absolutely ridiculous.
► understood. well are you interested in marriage or children? are these topics you’ve discussed with your girlfriend?
▷ come on, now. you’re making me feel like i’m on a first date or something, asking me gushy questions like that... *clears throat* and she’s not my girlfriend anymore... so not relevant. how about you, doc? are you married or have children? if so, i hope you actually love them. and that they’re yours. *winks*
► ... yes, i am married. and i have two daughters who are both lovely... and mine? thank you for asking, yoonsu. perhaps we keep it to me asking the questions though.
▷ sure, sure. again, i’m kidding. you don’t have to be so shy about warming up to me, doc. i’ll let you keep calling me yoonsu though, and you’re welcome to keep at it with your questions.
EXCERPT E: THE REVEAL
〚NOTE: TO FLAG FOR CHOI YONG FOR FUTHER INVESTIGATION〛
► now then... have you been taking any steps towards mending your relationship with your parents?
▷ really, doc? we’re still talking about my parents? i’m starting to think they paid you off too.
► of course not. i have no relation to your parents.
▷ great. so how about you ask me about me then. i promise i’m much more interesting. for example, you could try digging up some deep trauma or diagnose me with some rare condition. or try that face reading magic they do in korea instead. ‘gwansang,’ was it? tell me what my jawline says about my emotional stability.
► i’m sorry if i’ve angered you, mr. nam. first of all, i re-iterate that i’m a psychiatrist, and not a therapist, magician, or any of the above. more importantly, i’m not here to ‘diagnose’ you with anything. just trying to get to understand you more as a person. and for many people, it just so happens that the influence of their parents is a meaningful factor. there is no other hidden agenda here.
▷ oh we all have our hidden agendas, doc — i’m not that naive, though would love to be. and i’m not angry, doctor. *flashes grin* just a bit baffled you’re projecting this ‘freudian psychology’ pseudoscience bullshit on me. parents this, parents that.
► ah, you are familiar with freud? i, along with many others in modern psychiatry are not the greatest fans, but there is often lost nuance in what people conceive to be freudian thought versus what is oversimplified. for example, even the oedipus complex--
▷ i’m really sorry to cut you off, doctor lim. but i don’t want to fuck my dad. i don’t need you to tell me otherwise.
► the oedipus complex actually refers to a desire that would be directed toward your mother. but to my earlier point--
▷ *sigh* does it really make a difference? can’t want to fuck my mom if i don’t know her.
► pardon? you don’t know your mother? was your mother not present much while you were growing up?
▷ ......
► mr. nam?
▷ *groans* of course i know who my mother is... who doesn’t? i think half of korea does too, no? yeah, she wasn’t around much is what i meant, okay? neither my dad nor my mom were around too much when i was young because they were too busy doing other more important things, like making money. more importantly now, how are we still talking about my parents?
► alright, mr. nam. we can move on soon.
▷ look. before we move on... for the record, doctor -- for whatever you’re recording of this. i... i believe i just misspoke. or didn’t understand your question properly. my korean can be pretty weak at times. and so i apologize for he confusion.
► *says to self* you used the phrase “freudian psychology pseudoscience” in a sentence two minutes ago...
▷ and? freud’s name in korean isn’t ‘freud’? are you trying to get petty with me, doctor lim? can we not? *boyish grin*
► sorry, mr. lim. i ought to be more professional. would it be helpful if we called in a translator? i can have one join us shortly.
▷ no. geez. *mutters string of expletives in english* let’s just... move on. please.
