to whom it may concern ;
hi. yeah. it’s me. again. it’s terribly mean (and sort of douchy) of me to come back, write this, and pretend that everything from this point onwards will be a-okay, when i’m sure it won’t, i’m not even sure anyone will bother to read this, but i just had to write something, somewhere, because writing, despite anything that’s going on, is the only thing i can rationalize and the only thing where i can just... express myself. which sounds like such a dated and cliché thing to say nowadays - such as what i’m dealing with at the moment. in the summer i started developing strange patterns of anxiety that were similar to the ones i was developing before going to university, five-six years ago. doctors say it is because of extreme stress, mostly the one i put on myself. i’ve been having enormous mood swings and lack of sleep and have been taking small dosis of sleeping pills to at least make 5 to 7 hours of sleep every night. that and i’m currently writing my thesis, which i am giving it everything that i can to be the best thing possible. as some of you know, i’m also a dj and curator at a local venue, which takes at least one night of the week where i don’t sleep, but at least i’m getting paid and it’s work experience, so i can’t complain. what i can complain is that every time that i try to write catelyn or any other character that i have, i simply can’t, and the anxiety comes back. i don’t know why this happens, but i always feel like i’m not doing anything good or relevant. again, the cliché-est thing to say in these situations. it’s almost like i am desperate for some attention - i’m really not. i just want to write, but i give up half-way. i want to write because it calms me, as much as making any sort of art that i do (mostly photography, which i’m picking up again). it doesn’t help that i’m stupid and i deleted my icons for all my characters when i was cleaning my computer. but that isn’t a problem, i can make more. the problem isn’t having time or not; i’ve always managed to study, work, make art, play videogames, watch movies/shows, be with friends and roleplay. the problem is, in truth, myself, and how i see myself as a roleplayer, and a writer. so the cowardly thing to do is give up - or just run away from it. but i don’t want to do either, but it’s just easier to forget about this blog, the people i met, the things i wrote. but the void of not writing, not plotting, not doing anything in this department is too strong, and perhaps it’s the nostalgia of times past that is heavier, that shouts louder. in conclusion, i might delete this blog. or archive it and start anew. i know that if i work hard enough i can write better and better and by the end of it, feel better, more accomplished. it has always been my retreat. i don’t know why i’m so eager to left behind, but this is a post-modern millenial problem, a me vs self impass, and if i have to fight anything, is myself. if any of you reads this, thank you so much. again, i can’t just expect that friends i made here forgive me or understand me and want to do things with me again. i was never a big name in the community. there were always better catelyns and people probably are better without me, while writing with them. if i start anew, the url will be the same. if we were friends, and if you’re still around, i will follow you on your blogs. my skype is the same as well. thanks for reading this.