Geez, that felt weird calling you that again. I haven't called you that since we went out ahaha. So, I'm basically writing this to you to get all my feelings out.
This isn't going to be about how much I hate you for ripping my heart out, telling me you loved me at one moment to only liking me as a friend the other, for being perfectly fine while I break down at the memory of us. I'm not trying to sound like an obsessive ex-girlfriend either! So don't worry :D
I just want to relive the moments that we shared, the hours we spent together, & I just want you to know how much you truly meant to me. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty or anything, I just want you to know the truth about everything.
Ah, where to start. I guess when I first met you!
I was with Phil, you, & a few of our other friends at the pizza place. That's the first time I really remember seeing you. I instantly thought you were the most beautiful thing to walk this earth. I mean, to be honest, you're not actually the hottest thing in town, but it's the little things you did that got me hooked. I hadn't even talked to you yet by this time! Haha Oh geeez... I had stolen your number off of Phil, who laughed when I took it. I don't remember how much time had passed, but I remember telling Phil I wanted to talk to you, since you seemed like the coolest guy ever. He told me that I should text you, since you actually had told him to tell me that I should. That's when we started talking & I started liking you more & more as each passing day we talked went on. This is also when I was informed you had a girlfriend. I was crushed, but I told myself that I couldn't like you anymore because of it. But at the same time, I kept being told that she was the biggest bitch of all time & that you two were to end soon or something or other. Well, let's just say I was torn between emotions. But anywho, we kept talking regardless. I think you must've been really tired or something, because one night, right before I was going to go to bed, you called me beautiful. Ah, if you saw my face, I'd turn so red. I was so happy when you had said that to me. I remember not being able to sleep because I was smiling so much & the butterflies in my stomach wouldn't calm down.
Then you said you wanted to work things out with her, so I told myself I had to stop liking you. I was doing pretty good too, then you texted me one day, saying that you liked me & that you didn't know how to break it to her. Ironically, she broke up with you an hour later or so. I was baffled. So we started talking more & more again. You suggested we be friends with benefits & we were for a good month. I wanted to respect your feelings because I knew how much you liked her. Well, you told me at least that you had loved her. I believed you, so I didn't want to just be attacking you with my feelings when you still were battling your own.
I remember this day as if it were yesterday. We were at the YMCA, Phil was walking around, being Phil while you were sitting on the bench. I was walking & dancing with Phil when I noticed you had sit down, so I sat down next to you. All of a sudden, I remember feeling a pressure around my back, & I casually glanced over my back. It was your arm. I could feel my face getting hot & I thought I was going to cry out of happiness. But I remembered when Jose had told me that guys like girls who are chill. So I just had to hold in my tears & butterflies of happiness. Then! Then we needed another place to go because the YMCA was boring as hell. So we eventually landed at my house. We were sitting on my couch, Phil had asked Celeste to come & she did. So we were all sitting on my couch; Celeste, Phil, you & me. You had put your arm around my waist again & we were watching some weird TV show. That's when our first inside joke had happened. Celeste, who I love dearly for this, said to you, "Your hand is clearly on her ass." You turned so red & I remember just laughing so hard. It was just so funny at the time.
I think it was either some time later than night, or the next day, that you first kissed me. I remember it in detail too (wow I'm so creepy haha). Wait, I think it was later that day, because we were in the same spot as the pervious memory... Haha Oh geez x) I had casually glanced at you & then you put your hand on my chin, leaned it up, & kissed me. It felt as if it was in the movies! You know? Like when the girl is laying on the guy's chest & he leans her chin up to kiss her. You were always smooth with things like that haha. Well, I remember by that, I was simply boiling over again in happiness. When we finished, I think we were both a taaad bit out of breath, but it was so intense. You're probably the best kisser I've ever kissed. The rest of the days were perfect after that. I always was so happy to be with you, even if we were simply just friends with benefits. I was never unhappy whenever you were around me, if you ever noticed that. We just had more memories as we shared more time together:)
You had asked me out on New Year's day. (I still have all your texts btw, trying to say that in the least creepiest way possible D:) I remember I was rolling around my couch, laughing & smiling my ass off. I thought 2011 was going to be the best year of my life, because if it started off with you, hopefully it was going to never end. But all good things have to come to an end, don't they?
My gosh, I could rant forever about my memories with you x)
I forget when this exactly was, but I remember we were watching TV once again at my house, because I was laying on my couch, you on top of me, & we, of course, were making out. But we had taken the smallest breath & you just looked down at me, smiling. I blinked, thinking there was something on my face. Then you whispered, "You're beautiful." I thought I was going to start crying, instead, I just smiled saying, "D'awww thanks sunshine." I can really say, I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world when you said that. Had I not kept that piece of advice about being calm, I would've attacked you with hugs & kisses. It makes me smile to this day & it's still the only time I've ever felt pretty, let alone beautiful.
I was just always happy when I was with you, I knew you'd be there to pick me up when the going got rough. Like that one time, I thought I was going to break down in the hallway, I started tearing up & you didn't say anything to me, you simply just hugged me. I was explaining to you about my problems with my dad & you didn't say anything, you just held me. You told me you never wanted to see me cry because you wanted to make me so happy that I'd never need to cry. Ironic, because I've never cried as much over a guy as I did with you. No one had ever done that before, just held me. People always tried to make me feel better by talking about either something else, or giving me advice about the topic. But you held me, & it's probably the best thing I've ever felt. I honestly felt like I could tackle anything, & you'd be there right beside me. I felt so safe & not alone. It was the best feeling in the world :)
What's another memory...Oh! The time you helped me play COD. Ha, what an interesting night. We were sitting on Phil's couch, me, you, Harry, Phil, & Brooke. Brooke was telling us how she was good at COD & suggested I play against her. So I did, but I was so scared of all the guns & the fast reactions & the controls. Everyone was laughing, including me, but what I loved was that you sat next to me, putting your hands over mine & helping me. It was perfect, exactly like in the movies. It's also the day we had walked all the way from town to Phil's house in the snow & we had such a deep conversation about life & just everything. I've never trusted someone with so much as I did with you. I could talk about anything & we could talk about anything & it'd never get awkward & we could do it for hours.
By now, you probably either think I'm the creepiest girl in the world, or the most pathetic. Oh geeeez x) I could go on with all my memories, but I'd start crying too much if I did. I hope you at least enjoyed those moments as much I did. The only thing I hate is that you said it to my face that you loved me, what I don't get is that if you really loved me, then why didn't you stay? If you love someone, then how could you only like them as a friend? This got me to think I had done something wrong, but you said I didn't. I want to believe you, but either you're a liar, or I did something that caused you to stop liking me. To this day, I'll never know but to be honest, I don't know if I ever really want too. You told me to move on, so I'm trying too. I think I've been doing pretty good if I say so myself :D
I'm sorry if this letter was creepy in any way shape or form D: I know you're fine, because every time I see you in the hallways, you are always smiling, so I assume you're not half, if any, as much pain as I'm in. But hey, I gotta move on. You made it clear we're never getting back together, so I'm honoring your decision.
I could say something really nasty, like I hope the next girl you truly fall in love with rips out your heart & leaves you suffering every day. But to be honest, I don't want that to happen to you. You meant so much to me, & you still do. Why would I want that for you? I just want you to be happy, whether it be with me or with some other lucky girl. Either way, James Jackson Tobin, I wish for the best for you. You deserve it :) Even if you shattered my heart in two.
Like I said before, I doubt you'll ever read this, but if you actually do, it'd be nice if we talked again. Though to be honest, it's painful every time I talk to you...so maybe we shouldn't talk D: Or should we? ahahahah it's your choice:) I think you like some other girl, so I don't want to bother you with me D:
Well, good luck Tobin :) with everything. I'll miss everything we had & if you ever want to talk, I'm here. Thank you so much for reading this if you did.
