#jackie starter

[nothinglxstforever-blog]

“Can you keep it down? I feel like my head is gonna explode.”

[augustjackson-blog]

The thought on his mind--all day, from first period to last, to track practice and after, through until this very moment, 6:44 PM standing outside on the sidewalk outside a suburban strip mall cinema staring at his phone and trying not to look like he was praying for someone in particular to show up--was of this exact moment. Of every moment that would immediately follow it. He flicked through page after page of Facebook ephemera, not really reading any of it, too distracted to focus.

Was this different in any way from glancing over her shoulder every once in a while and asking how she was doing on this or that problem set? Yes, probably. Gus shifted from foot to foot, puzzled by the queasy buzzing in his stomach, realizing that it was anticipation--excitement--the feeling that something good, something that he wanted might happen--and that the sickening upended feeling was not the disgust or the disdain to which he was so accustomed, but dread. It might not. She might not even show.

He never knew with Jackie. He did not think that she would mean to stand him up. (To think that way would be to read meaning into something that almost certainly did not exist.) If she did, he’d never mention it. He’d hide behind a flimsy wall of professionalism, go on like he had before, halfway satisfying a desire he was not actually acknowledging, officially--and then graduate and go to college, somewhere not here, and that would be it. He--

“Hey,” Gus said, looking up at the right second to see her approach. “Hey, Jackie--” He meant to slip his phone into his pocket; but that, a trivial thing he’d done a thousand times, without looking, in all situations, was suddenly beyond him. It fell, dropping edge first onto his toe, and skidded to the curb, screen up. Well, of course it did. He grimaced. “Fuck.”

[augustjackson-blog]

study hell (gus & the twins)

The first day back. It was heralded, as usual, by a series his peers’ of mopey status updates, whining to some higher power to extend the break; for Gus, the only unsettling thing was starting another semester in the same school as last year. He was a little relieved to be back--out of the house and with a few weeks distance between himself and the most difficult Christmas he had ever had. Gus looked forward, as always, to the sense of purpose that came with schoolwork--the satisfaction of looking at a stack of tasks undone and then seeing them through. 

(And for the first few classes, at least: a dark head of hair nodding a few desks ahead or to the side, a Mona Lisa smile that very occasionally tilted in his direction, her cheek cupped in her hand.) 

The flicker of pleasure at seeing Jackie where she was supposed to be was always short-lived. He couldn’t rationally condone her skipping class--though it was what it was--but since Gus seldom approached Jackie at school, it left him feeling a little more resigned to the drudgery of life in Palo Alto for another day without reprieve. On those days, that she didn’t need him--and when she didn’t seem to need him for anything, his presence rendered somewhat pointless. He was not smart enough to change that.

Neither was he smart enough to avoid her brother as often as he’d like. Showing up at the Vonneguts’ house was a little like playing a game of Russian roulette. Sometimes, when the door opened, the person on the other side looked like he was ready to shoot Gus between the eyes. 

“Hey, Dean,” Gus said, levelly. He tugged at the strap of his backpack, weighted down with a whole day of missed assignments and printed-out readings, to illustrate the validity of his purpose. “Is Jackie home?”

[breathlcss]

based on this !! 

“ ----- hold still, ” jackie grunts as she wraps the bandages around her boyfriend’s hand. “ maybe if you hadn’t BEATEN UP that poor guy, we wouldn’t have to go through this again. ” 

[breathlcss]

based on this !! 

“ wait .... that’s the girl you’re dating ?? funny, that’s the same girl who tormented me on the bus every morning in middle school. but OBVIOUSLY that doesn’t mean anything to you now. ”