The bank teller was a beautiful blonde lady,
she looked like a stalk of broccoli. All full of anti-oxidants and vitamin C. She still carried her youth, her eyes were bright blue and her voice was like liquid honey. I instantly felt comfortable with her and went ahead and flashed my hand. Forgetting the number one rule life has taught me: Although honesty is the best policy, people suck so you have to fib a little.
“I lost my wallet at a Starbucks on Tuesday,” I told her. “It had everything in it, my debit card, my credit card, my driver’s license and my Dutch Bro’s Coffee stamp card. I was one stamp away from a free coffee, too! I just want to cash this check I wrote to myself so that I will have money for tacos, beer and black tar heroin. Every penny I have is in this bank.”
“Oh, I’m actually unable to cash a check without a state issued I.D., but let me check with my supervisor to see if there is anything we can do since this is a special case.”
Her supervisor appeared, she looked like a person who eats a lot of Brussels Sprouts, if you know what I mean by that. She told me the same thing, there was nothing she could do since the bank tightened its policy for security purposes.
I plead my case with stern passion because money is essential when it comes to acquiring tacos and beer, I can always give a blow job for heroin. She didn’t budge and I could tell she felt remorseful. I was upset. I could’ve exploded, I could’ve yelled, I could’ve been over dramatic, I could have told her, “Well this makes me very upset!” But I knew she would have helped if she could’ve and I have been on the other side of the counter and had to give customer’s bad news like, “I’m sorry, I can’t return this half used stick of deodorant,” Or “No, I can’t give you an addition discount for a teeny tiny mark on the bottom of that shoe.”
I thanked them both for their help. It is probably a good thing I need to identify myself to cash a check. Otherwise anyone clever enough to steal a blank check and walk into the bank claiming to have lost their wallet could have access to my cheddar. I ended up just writing it out to my friend and she cashed it. In the “For” spot on the check I put “Dildos and Doritos.”