#jelly's thoughts

[jellijellybean]

i don't want to hear another word. i got into a new game and i'm making it all everyone's problem because it just had to be love and deepspace. oh my god. caleb thoughts below, not an actual fic. i'm sorry he will not leave my head.

i just know caleb would enable you so badly. all your bad habits, feed into your ego, and worst of all, shape you into someone only he can deal with. i need to be sedated. genuinely.

my thoughts mainly arise from the conversation where you ask if he's the reason you've been enabled for so long and he gets to say the line, "did i really? other than making you depend on me a little more.."

or the fact he literally talks about buying things in bulk so you both will have it. how he wants you to associate the stuff you use with him. i could go somewhere else with this, but i'll refrain.

("i just want you to see those things and think.. that someone else is using the same one.")

he's even so open about his possessiveness too, mentioning that your old friends used to call him "overprotective" and called you two "inseparable." all the longing glances, the moments in his memories where he's just so close to actually kissing you. in the one where he's sick he literally stares like you're everything he's ever wanted, his eyes lowering to your lips before he physically stops himself. oh my god it makes me ill. he wants that cookie so badly. not even joking.

when the kiss actually happens, i swear, it better start off slow. maybe sweet enough to be saccharine until something in him snaps. completely. his hands in your hair to keep you close, barely even letting you take a moment to breathe while he finally takes what he's been wanting, craving, needing since the moment he realized how deep his feelings for you go. it better be something where he's just so clearly.. excited. hands moving everywhere because now that he's able to touch you, he can't find it in him to stop.

tell him to stop. tell him that this isn't right, that he's supposed to be your protector, not.. feel this way because he's your.. well, what is he to you? he could be anyone for your sake. if you want a partner that treats you softly, keep you pampered enough to never lift a finger again, then he'll do it. as long as you tell him what you want.

BECAUSE his little monologue of him going, "you don't need me? is that what you think? all right. what do you need? you can tell me."

i am insane. i'm going to write about him, please forgive me for the horrors i'm going to put caleb through. just because i'm rotating him around in my head like a microwave does NOT mean i'm going to be nice to him.

[waiftrailerparkprincess]

Can I worship Virgin Mary instead? She's the original girl boss, the ultimate gaslighter. There is no way that she's actually a virgin, I respect her hustle.

[waiftrailerparkprincess]

I was rereading my old diary entries, and it struck me how much I used to obsess over boys. I'm a lesbian now, but I still crave that male attention and validation. I guess I'm just a little bit of a sucker for toxic masculinity.

[waiftrailerparkprincess]

I know I'm supposed to be innocent and pure, but I just can't help but be drawn to all that religious corruption. I so badly want a lesbian to come and totally corrupt me, brainwash me into seeing her as my one and only god.