#jenn does another rant

[syfydispatchgirl]

I ain’t never been good at verbal communication. Like. So bad. I didn’t really talk 6th-12th grade. But I also believe in open, honest communication, and it’s something I’ve been working really hard at.

I can talk now. Like, I may not be the loudest person, but I can talk. I do more than answer questions.

But I still have to fall back on non-verbal communication sometimes. I still have to make myself lists and letters to get the words down in the right order.

The last time I had to do this was when I was way too in like with a guy that just didn’t see me the same way. And it was really hard. And when I finished he just tried to address all my other problems, which is just who he is. But it was hella cathartic.

This time, it’s a chat I’ve been meaning to have w/ the guy for a week, but things moved to fast and I never got a chance and now it’s all fudely because I like him too damn much and I don’t need to get into it but I’ve been crying all day, but now I have a list and a plan and it feels better and if you decided to read this whole thing you’re contractually obligated to wish me luck, because I really like him and don’t want to fuck things up.

Words and diction and communication are very important, even when they’re difficult.

The end.

[syfydispatchgirl]

Dude, I was gonna rant about a boy, but then I got distracted (as I do) by frisbee, and I just wanted to say that it's so amazing how important this sport is to people.

I mean, I'm sure a large part of it is the environment I immerse myself in, but I see so many stories about how much ultimate has changed people's lives, and how much good it's brought into their worlds. I mean, I have one of my own.

I don't here those stories about other sports, and, once again, a huge chunk of that has got to be the people I'm around, but I still think it's really cool what a positive impact this sport has.

[syfydispatchgirl]

Things about this weekend:

Frisbee

We lost all our games and didn't get to play at all today, which sucks, but I still had a ton of fun.

I was playing with so many people that I completely trusted to have the disc and not fuck up so that was good.

I was very happy with the way I played, yes, it's not the best I've played, and yes I might could have ran harder, but I don't think I let the team down, and that's what's important.

I tried out handling in an actual game and I was not disappointed in the results. It was only for a couple of points, but I caught the disc and got it off successfully when I needed to.

My body is a piece of shit and my knees feel like bubble wrap, but don't really hurt to bad, so it's fine.

This week so many people have told me how much better I've gotten, and how I can see the field and I'm always in the right place and that feels so good. I feel good about the way I'm playing and moreover people trust me on the field and that's fantastic.

I also def cried during props because it's the last real tourney with Hill and Trez and Ewl and that's real sad

My birthday

yey. very fun.

didn't get as shwaisted as you would think for gig

still way too in like with a boy i can't have

and i don't think there's anything i can do about it. i just have to wait til i wake up and it doesn't hurt anymore. yey.

i've never been very good at patience

[syfydispatchgirl]

I'm gonna do a rant, cuz, like, the only thing I've talked about in a while is my foot (which is feeling 100% better!!!) and unfortunately my foot is only one part of my life.

I'm feeling really ineffective in my interpersonal relations tonight. I don't feel like I'm very good at making friends. I don't feel like anybody ever wants to hang out with me. There's a chance that's true, and theirs a chance that I am seeing things wrong, and I don't like it because either option means there's something wrong with me.

Is is too much to ask that people care about me as much as I care about them? To be as excited to see me, to think of me as often? I just don't feel like I have very many mutual relations right now. A couple of my friends who aren't on the team. Maybe a couple of people from home. But by the large I don't feel like I'm putting in the same amount as I'm getting back.

Maybe I just care too much about people. Maybe I just fall in love with my friends too easily, and I'm just not the type of personality people fall in love with. I have to grow on you. Like a tumor. I just look at how easily and how quickly other people make friends and I can't do that. Am I looking in the wrong places? Am I doing something wrong?

I read some kind of poem earlier that was about a 20 year old that had never been loved, and considering I'm turning 20 on Friday and have never been in a real relationship, I could see how it might apply to me. The most striking part was that it talked about how eventually you stop thinking "wow, this sucks," and start getting really curious. "What is it about me that makes me so undesirable?" I'm reaching that point, with both romantic relations and platonic. Most days I think I'm fairly good looking. Most days I think I'm pleasant to be around. What is it about me that can't connect with people? It's not just because I'm quiet, or shy, because then when I meet people in my more vocal moods, they would actually care.

I don't know. I'm gonna stop now, because I'm making myself sad instead of getting a carthartic release, but that's just one of the 60 million other things I'm dealing with right now. Yey.

[syfydispatchgirl]

A Comprehensive Timeline of my Injury:

Day 1

Oh no, my foot is starting to hurt, I should probably take the next game easy, but I'll keep playing this game.

Jk, non of these girls are subbing in, I guess I'll just play most of the points.

Fuck, my foot really hurts, but the rest of Goucher is leaving soon, so I guess I'm done playing for today.

Talk to the trainer: yeah, we got no idea what's wrong with it

Jk, the cute guy on my hat team asked me to stay, I'm gonna play another game.

Ok, I can actually barely walk now, and another Goucher Car is leaving. I'm going.

'aight, I'm gonna take a nap, and not get real drunk tonight. Gotta try'n take care of my body.

Jk, I'm not gonna take a nap at all and get so drunk I wake up in a closet with no memory of how I got there

Day 2

Fine, I won't play today. And I'll take a nap, and I'll take it easy on the booze tonight.

But I'll also, you know, play the paper bag game, cuz great decisions.

Day 3

But today, today I'm gonna play, even if it hurts, damnit.

Ouch, I tried to warm up and there ain't no way I'm playing.

Talk to the trainer: yeah, I'm not really sure, if it keeps hurting it might be a stress fracture.

Ok, but there's also no way I'm not playing, I'll play these two games, I got this.

Ow

Day 4

K, this is our last day, props our last game, I'm playing it.

Ow, no I'm not.

No, but I'll go get taped up, I can play

This damn tape hurts a lot

"Simon, I got this, I can play"

Fuck fuck fuck, gotta call an injury to end my god damn georgia playing.

Oh well, I still had fun, I'll just take it easy for a while

There's a bonfire a couple of miles down the beach we're gonna walk to? Yeah, I can walk a couple of miles! And stand on my foot for a couple hours! And then walk a couple of miles back! Hell yeah I can do that!

Day 5

Your foot hurts like hell after yesterday? You should probably walk into town for breakfast. And walk back, do that too.

Ok, I'm just gonna rest my foot and hang out today.

Jk, I'm gonna walk a mile or two the beach. And back. Good plans.

Day 6-9

Rest it up, learn I can't even ride stationary bikes.

Day 10

Gardening. Lots of standing.

Some of practice. Just tossing.

Run intramurals, a lot of standing around. Decide to look up symptoms.

Day 11

Look up symptoms. Probs a stress fracture.

Existential crisis concerning how much of me is walking an running and hiking and how am I supposed to do any of this if I have a stress fracture and there's no fucking way I'm not playing in regionals again this year

Stress fracture certainty raises from 0%- 80%

Day 12

Visit health center, probs stress fracture, get referred to radiologist

Stress fracture certainty: 100%

Too much walking and standing. Horrible fucking mood.

Still gonna play a god damn point at least at regionals

Day 13-14

Rest that shit up

Day 15

feeling a lot better

toss at practice

Stress fracture certainty: 80%

Day 16 (today)

I really feel capable of walking

Got x rays. Results in a couple days.

Stress fracture certainty: 60%

There's a serious chance I'll be able to play at regionals. This is so important to me.

[syfydispatchgirl]

The world is bound and determined to make sure I never fucking declare my major.

From the moment I entered this school, I knew I wanted to be a psych major. No question about it. And now I have a deadline to declare in two weeks and I'm worried I'm not going to meet it. To be fair, I didn't exactly make moves to declare my first year, but I did start working on it in October. I've been trying to declare for six goddamn months. Playing email tag, meetings being cancelled or planned at the last minute. I finally found an adviser and talked to my minor head of department last month. I just had to get 2 fucking people to put their names on my damn paper. More email tag. Trying to figure out when we can meet. Have to wait til after break. Set up meeting for yesterday. Show up and wait around for half an hour before he remembers we're supposed to meet. Good. Got that part done. Plan to go to major head of department's office hours today. Office hours are cancelled. I'm getting real fed up with this process. I also gotta figure out my study abroad shit soon. This week has already been hella stressful, and it's before noon on Tuesday...

[syfydispatchgirl]

See, here's the thing. I've been super happy all day. In an absolutely phenomenal mood. But now I'm sad. And if you want to know why, I will explain it to you, but this is really more for cathartic release.

The thing is, when I leave interactions with people, if I like them, I leave the conversation with a thought. That thought is typically I like him/her/them or, can I keep him/her/them, or something to that extent.

However, I have this friend. I wouldn't say I have a crush on him, I def wouldn't say we have romantic potential (for one thing, he has a girlfriend), but he definitely means a lot to me. He is important to me. And when I walk away from him, my mind does not say I like you, but rather I love you, and that scares me.

It scares me that he means so much to me. I think that if he didn't have a girlfriend, or I didn't have a nifty switch in my brain that turns me off taken men, I would actually, legitimately fall in love with him. AND THAT GENUINELY FUCKING TERRIFIES ME. EMOTIONS ARE SCARY. And I can't love him, because he has a girlfriend, and he's gonna graduate soon, and I only really see him for less than an hour a week, but he is so important to me and nobody else has ever meant this much to me and I don't know what to do.

We became friends last semester so fast, and spent so much time together and now I don't see him but I still love him. Because his girlfriend's back from abroad and he's busy with her and I get that, but I miss him, and I'm just gonna miss him so much more next year, because I really don't know if I'm ever gonna see him again. I really hate emotions. It's so much easier to hook up with random strangers at frisbee parties. Then you don't fall in love with your best friends.

[syfydispatchgirl]

I've been playing a lot of indoor lately where I am easily the slowest player there, and it's fucking rough.

I know that I am not a bad player, but when your self confidence starts out as low as mine it doesn't take many drops to make me feel a whole lot worse.

And I know that surrounding yourself with players who are better than you is a great way to get better, but when I am playing with people who are so far beyond my skill level, it's hella disheartening.

I don't know. I wasn't even playing awful tonight, especially once I confronted my shitty mindset. I scored plenty of points. I got some 'ight d's. But I woulda appreciated it if there was someone else who played at my speed who came to these things.