A/N: This is based on the song “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi.
Requested: Yes
Pairing: JJ x reader
Summary: JJ’s being distant from you and want to know why
Warnings: A small amount of swearing, brief mentions of abuse, overall just angst
Thank you for the request! My requests are open, so feel free to send some in. Enjoy.
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I fell by the wayside, like everyone else
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself
To say that my relationship with JJ is perfect would be a definite overstatement. We’ve been together for nearly two years, and have been best friends for even longer.
Our relationship is messy, full of ups and downs, but it’s also passionate and exciting. Saying that the boy is my person feels like an understatement. I would do anything for him and I’m confident that he’d say the same for me.
Lately, things have been different. He’s been distant from me and the rest of the Pogues. I’m not sure what changed but he’s been around less and less, seemingly making every excuse under the sun as to why he couldn’t hang out with any of us.
“Have you guys heard from JJ,” Kiara asks, accepting Pope’s hand as she climbs on the boat. Her eyes glance at the boys, who only shrug in response, before landing on me.
“He’s not coming,” I state, trying to seem unphased by JJ’s recent vacancy from our lives. I’m met with sympathetic looks before John B rolls his eyes, putting the boat in drive.
“What’s the excuse this time,” he questions, clearly fed up. I take a seat in the chair next to the wheel with a sigh.
“There actually wasn’t an excuse today. He just said he wasn’t feeling it.”
“What’s been up with him lately,” Pope huffs, “JJ never shoots down the opportunity to spend a day on the water.”
“Your guess is as good as mine, Pope,” I sigh, dropping the subject to enjoy the day with friends.
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“Why are you pushing me away,” I question, inwardly flinching at the volume of my voice. “God, JJ I feel like I haven’t seen you in week. All I’ve heard from you lately is excuses as to why you’re not around, and I want to know why.”
My voice lowered with every word, the frustration I’ve been feeling finally coming into the open while he listens with his hands shoved in his pockets.
I look at him expectantly but am only met with pursed lips; his gaze fixed on something on the floor. A sudden thought hit me, my blood turning cold as a shiver crawled down my spine.
“Are you cheating on me,” I inquire. My voice comes out in such a gentle whisper that I’m not even sure he hears me until his head snaps up, his wide eyes meeting mine.
“You’re being completely irrational. Are you even hearing yourself right now,” he laughs incredulously, running his fingers through his hair in annoyance. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“Well how the hell am I supposed to know that JJ? You won’t even talk to me,” I shout, tired of the lack of answers.
“Have you ever thought for one second that maybe that’s your fault? God, you’re so clingy; it’s suffocating,” he snaps. He falters for a second, knowing he took it too far, but allows an angry glare to take over his features again.
“I’m sorry for caring enough to be worried about you. I’ll work on that,” I spit sarcastically, hating the way my voice wavers while I try to stand my ground. “I wouldn’t want to suffocate you.” With that I spin around on my heels to walk out of the room. Wanting to get out of the house before I broke down.
“Wait, wait, I didn’t mean-” JJ rushes to stop me, his fingers grazing my wrist. I rip my hand away from him, his words from moments before ringing in my ears.
“Don’t,” I warn, hugging my arms close to me. His eyes fill with tears, but he nods, taking a step away to respect my space. “You need to get whatever is going on figured out JJ. Until then, I’m done.”
I rush out of the house, hot tears spilling from my eyes as JJ follows closely behind me, spewing a string of apologies.
“I’m so sorry, please don-”
“JJ let her go,” John B interrupts, stepping in front of JJ to halt his advances towards my fleeing figure. “Let her go.” John B pats his friends chest with a sigh, the Pogues falling into an uncomfortable silence.
Our every moment, I start to replace
‘Cause now that they’re gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say
Avoiding JJ proved to be a difficult task. We live in the same neighborhood, share the same group of friends, and work the same jobs ninety percent of the time. Our lives have been so entwined over the last several years that we’ve just become part of each other’s daily routine.
I forced myself to completely change my daily schedule. I turned down invites to hang out with my friends, only accepted job offers on Figure Eight, avoided Pogue hangout spots, and even began taking a different route to get home to ensure that I didn’t bump into a certain blonde boy.
I replaced every aspect of my life that had to do with JJ; needing to get away.
The island crawls with memories of him. As much as I work to avoid him in my daily life, the boy constantly makes his way into my thoughts as if he’s completely embedded in my brain.
I think back to the moment when I chose to leave, the memory causing a familiar ache to arise in my chest. Endless outcomes course through my mind; the words I could have said jabbing at my heart ferociously.
I wish I would have just stayed with him that night. He’s the one known for having a short temper and being impatient, not me. I should’ve just been patient with him rather than trying to force him to tell me what was wrong.
I crawl into bed with a heavy sigh, wishing that things were different. Wishing that things could go back to normal. I miss JJ and the rest of the Pogues. I miss the countless adventures and immense amounts of trouble that we always manage to get ourselves into.
I’m carried into a peaceful sleep; dreaming of days that I didn’t put so much effort into avoiding my best friends.
Was there something I could’ve said to make your heart beat better?
If only I’d have known you had a storm to weather
The sound of my ringtone tears me from the deep sleep I’d fallen into. I squint at the screen, unable to make out the contact before groggily accepting the call.
“Hey, I’m sorry to call so late, but it’s JJ,” John B’s voice fills my ears as soon as the dial tone cuts off.
“Don’t apologize,” I state, rubbing the sleep from my eyes as I sit up. “What’s going on?”
“He went home and apparently things got really bad. He’s really drunk and won’t stop throwing things,” John B fills me in, something crashes in the background making me cringe. John B pauses for a brief moment before he continues; desperation lacing his voice. “Can you please come over?”
“Yeah, yeah, of course. I’ll be there as soon as I can,” I nod with a sigh, pushing myself out of bed. The line cuts off before I rush to slip shoes on; stealthily climbing out of my bedroom window.
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“Thanks for coming,” John B breathes, relief flushing his features as he me into a tight hug. “I know you guys aren’t together, but I didn’t know who else to call. I’ve never seen him like this.” John B looks exhausted. The stress of whatever had gone on prior to me getting here clearly weighing on his shoulders.
“Where is he?” I search the small living space, cringing at state of the room.
“Spare bedroom. I managed to calm him down enough to get him to stop ripping the house apart,” he explains, gesturing towards the hallway. “Want me to go with you?”
“No, I’ll handle it from here. Thanks, JB.” With that, he shoots me a reassuring smile, watching me stalk out of the room. I take a deep breath to mentally prepare myself, before pushing the door open.
“Hey, JJ-,” I begin, stopping in my tracks at the sight of the boy in front of me. The dark bruise encompassing his eye, split lip and evidence of dry blood on his chin makes my stomach drop. I take a moment to scan the rest of his body, catching sight of more bruises littering his skin.
“Hey, Y/n,” he slurs through tears, the bright smile adorning his face contradicting his disheveled state. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here. I’d offer you a beer, but this is the last one.”
“John B called me. What’s going on J,” I ignore his words, focusing on holding myself together. The sight of him rocks me slightly, some of the last words he spoke to me echoing in my mind. God, you’re so clingy, it’s suffocating. I lick my lips, shaking my head to tear my attention away from my thoughts.
“Just a run in with my dad, nothing out of the ordinary,” he dismisses, taking a swig of his drink. My jaw drops in shock, taking a minute to study his face.
“Your dad did this to you?” I nearly gasp in disbelief. “JJ, what the-”
“It’s fine, Y/n. Don’t get emotional on me, I’m not your problem anymore. I haven’t gotten my shit figured out yet,” a quiet sob escapes his lips at his statement. The anger lacing his voice brings a dull ache to my heart, guilt settling into my chest at his reference to our last conversation.
“Is this why you were being so distant?” I ask, ignoring his comment again. “Because you didn’t want me to find out? JJ, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t tell you because I knew that as soon as you found out you’d start getting all sympathetic on me. I knew that you’d try to intervene, and I didn’t want to feel like one of your projects,” he admits. “I didn’t want to lose you, which clearly worked out.” His sarcasm has always been one of my favorite aspect of JJ but, in this moment, I can’t stand it.
“Is there anything that I can do to fix this?” I cry, my voice barely above a whisper. Feeling suffocated by the silence; I stare at the boy in front of me, terrified that he’s going to disappear out of my grasp.
“Is there anything you can to do fix me, you mean,” JJ responds. His voice dangerously low; dripping with venom. “I’m not a goddamn charity case, Y/n. Nothing you can say or do is going to fix me.” He throws the beer in his hands against the wall, glaring at me with wide eyes. I jump at the sudden outburst, tears filling my eyes as the bottle shatters against the wall. I stay silent, stunned, and watch him fall apart in front of me. John B peeks his head through the door after hearing the commotion, wordlessly checking in. I shoot him a reassuring smile to assure him that I’ve got the situation covered. Adding him into the mix would only escalate the situation and JJ doesn’t need that. John B stands there for a moment, clearly debating whether or not to intervene before he disappears towards the living room.
“I’m broken alright,” JJ continues, tearing his eyes away from mine, choking over a quiet sob. “I’m broken, and there’s nothing that you can do to change that. I don’t need-”
“JJ,” I sigh, finally breaking the space between us to pull him into my arms. He collapses into my chest wrapping his arms around me as if his life depends on it. I hold him against me, combing my fingers through his disheveled hair as his body trembles with sobs.
Was there something I could’ve said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
“You’re not broken,” I murmur through my own tears. My heart aching deeper with every sob that wracks from his shaking frame. “I know that you don’t need me to fix you, J. You’re the strongest person I know. I mean you deal with all of this shit with your dad and still focus all of your energy on protecting everybody else. I just hate the fact that you felt like you had to suffer in silence.”
JJ lifts his head up, tears still flowing from his eyes at a steady pace. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he apologizes, pulling me flush against him. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t want to lose you.”
“I know J,” I murmur, pressing a soft kiss against his chest. “I’m right here.” He fully relaxes in my arms; finally letting his guard completely down.
Our every moment, I start to replay
But all I can think about it seeing that look on your face
I glance down at JJ, sleeping peacefully in my arms; the evidence of tears still staining his cheeks. A frown forms on my face as scan over the dark bruises and scars littering his body; lightly tracing my fingers over the blemishes.
As I lie in bed, unable to sleep, my mind floods with countless memories that should have been warning signs of what JJ was going through.
“JJ, what the hell are you doing here? It’s three in the morning,” I whisper-shouted at the boy crouched outside my window in the pouring rain. I ushered for him to come in, not wanting the outdoor noise to wake my parents in the next room. He wordlessly climbed into my bedroom, careful not to make too much nose as I pulled the window closed behind him.
“I’m sorry, I know it’s late,” he apologized, shoving his hands in the pockets of his loose sweatpants. He refused to meet my eyes, bowing his head to focus on the floor.
“You’re soaked,” I sighed, pushing past him to search for some of the clothes he’d let me steal from him. “Put these on, and then we can talk. I don’t want you to get sick on my account.” He wordlessly obliged, peeling the wet clothes off of his body and replacing them with the new ones I had handed him. In the process, I curled up on my bed pulling my blankets around me in an attempt to get rid of the goosebumps dotting my skin due to the breeze from the window that was open moments prior.
JJ stood by my bed awkwardly, watching me get comfortable while he kicked his wet clothes away from his feet. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion; it wasn’t the first time he’d snuck into my room in the middle of the night, so I didn’t understand why he hesitated to crawl onto my bed with me. I patted the empty space in front of me, shooting him a reassuring smile to let him know that it was okay. He sunk into the mattress, gladly accepting the blanket I offered.
“What’s going on ba-what happened to your face?” A gasp fell from my lips at the cuts along his cheek, the beginning of a gnarly bruise forming beneath them. It had been the first time I’d really been able to look at him since he’d climbed into my window, having opted to leave the lights off in case anyone in the house was awake. He looked exhausted, dark circles shadowing his gleaming eyes as his body shivered underneath the blanket.
“I ran into Rafe and his boys. It’s not a big deal,” he dismissed refusing to meet my eyes. The tone in his voice told me he was lying, but I chose to ignore that fact; lightly tracing my fingers over the raw bumps.
“But it is a big deal, JJ. You shouldn’t be treated like a human punching bag. I don’t care how high up on the social scale Rafe and his friends are,” JJ flinched at my words, pulling away from my gentle touch.
“Y/n, I’m telling you, it’s fine. I didn’t come over here because I got beat up by a couple of rich kids,” he huffed, silently telling me to drop the subject.
“Well, why did you come over then?” I asked, cupping his hand in my cheek so that he would look at me. A light gasp fell from my lips as his tear-filled eyes met mine. “JJ, what’s wrong?”
“I just,” he paused, pulling his eyes away from mine to focus his attention on his hands. It seemed that he was having a mental battle with himself as I waited for him to continue.
“JJ,” I murmured, grabbing his hands so that he would focus on me again. His eyes met mine and the stress he was carrying seemed to diminish. “What is it?”
“I had a nightmare,” he blurted, though the answer he had given seemed to surprise him. I felt like he wasn’t being completely honest, but the desperate look clouding his features urged me to just let it go. “C-Can you just, hold me?”
I wanted to cry at how small his voice sounded. In the many years I’d known him, I’d never seen him like that before. As much as he loved physical touch, he’d never openly asked me to hold him.
“Of course,” I nodded, moving to lie down and get comfortable. “Come here.” He watched me get situated before letting his blanket fall to the floor as he crawled into my arms, accepting his position of being the small spoon. I securely wrapped him in my arms, his hands moving to entwine with mine and pull me tighter against him.
I pressed a gentle kiss against his hair, feeling his body relax at my touch. We laid in silence for a few seconds before he started trembling. Hot tears dropped on my skin as strangled whimpers poured from his lips.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, rubbing gentle circles against his skin to comfort him. “I’ve got you.” I spent the rest of the night holding him and whispering soft words of encouragement in his ear to try to bring him some sort of comfort. Deep down I knew that whatever had him so upset went much deeper than a nightmare or a fight with a couple of kooks but I never questioned it. I figured that he would come to me about it when he was ready, but he never did.
I shook my head, pulling myself away from my thoughts before taking a second to focus on JJ who was peacefully tucked into my arms like he had been that night. It feels nice to be able to hold him again, though it’s not under the best circumstances. Worry floods into my system at the thought of how things would be tomorrow, but I quickly shake it off; opting to cross that bridge when we get there.
I finally allow myself to relax, letting the steady beat of JJ’s heart lull me to sleep.
Would we be better off by now
If I’d have let my walls come down?
Maybe I guess we’ll never know
By the time I wake up the next morning, the sun is casting through the windows and the spot next to me is empty. I push myself up with a sigh, sleepily taking in my surroundings. My eyes land on the shattered shards of glass covering the floor reminding me of last nights events before I hazily move to carefully pick up the pieces.
“Why did you call her,” JJ’s voice carries into the room, halting my movements. “I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping her away from all of this.”
“JJ,” John B sighs and I quietly stand up. The broken glass shards carefully clutched in my hands as I move closer to the doorway; curious to hear the conversation. “All you did was push her away. You never gave her a chance to understand.”
“Maybe I pushed her away to protect her. I didn’t want to drag her into my family problems; not that you’d know anything about that,” JJ barks, making me cringe.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean,” John B fires back defensively.
“All I’m saying is that, not everyone feels the need to include their girlfriend in the ugly aspects of their life. She doesn’t need me to weigh her down,” JJ responds. With that, I quietly walk down the hallway not wanting to catch their attention. JJ’s back faces me with John B stood in front of him, his eyes softening at the sight of me walking into the room.
“So you just decided not to give me the option of being there for you,” I ask, watching JJ spin around in surprise with an unreadable expression on his face. “JJ, you’ve been my person for years. I signed up for everything that came with you the day I decided to be your girlfriend, hell even sooner than that. What makes you think for a second that I wouldn’t want to support you through this?” My voice is quiet and drips with confusion as I stare at him, waiting for further explanation.
He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out, so I continue, “Why don’t you trust me?”
“I do trust you,” he replies honestly. The truth is, he’s terrified that one day he’s going to wake up and be just like his dad, but he couldn’t tell you that. He wants to protect you from a situation that he viewed as inevitable. Of course he wants you in his life but he can’t bear the thought of hurting you like his dad hurts him.
“Then please stop pushing me away,” I plea.
“I can’t,” he whispers, his shoulders falling in defeat. My mouth hangs open in shock, the statement sucking the wind out of me as I gape at him.
“Y/n,” John B murmurs, breaking the dull silence. He takes a step in my direction, cautiously making his way towards me as my eyes fill with tears.
“Then I can’t stay,” I choke out, not taking my eyes off of JJ. I want him to beg me to stay, telling me that he’s wrong and that he needs me, but he stays silent as I fall apart in front of him again.
“Y/n, you’re bleeding,” John B states gently, pulling my attention away from JJ. He pulls my hands towards him, revealing the broken bottle that I’d long forgotten about. Sure enough, in the midst of being caught up in the conversation, I must have squeezed the glass because a trail of blood runs down my hands and onto the floor. I wince as he carefully pulls the glass from my hands and rushes to dump it into the trash.
“I’m fine,” I interrupt, stepping away from JJ’s advances towards me. The sharp pain in my hands is dulled by the heavy ache in my heart due to having to let JJ go, again. The concerned look adorning his face makes me sick as he steps closer again, silently begging me to let him help.
“I have to go,” I blurt, rushing past him without a second glance. I allow my feet to carry me away from the boy I love with a heavy heart.
“You’re making a mistake. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you,” John B huffs in annoyance before rushing out the door after her.
“I know,” I huff to myself, falling against the counter in defeat.
“I know,” I repeat, knowing full well that letting her walk away is a mistake. All I want to do is protect her from me. I want to run after her and beg her to stay. I want to tell her that I’m an idiot and I’m sorry for pushing her away, but I don’t. Instead, my feet remain planted to the kitchen floor as everything falls apart around me.
