Love Me Still
The Nurse's Playbook
Synopsis: Being new parents and making sure your marriage stays intact has proven to be difficult with the unexpected arrival of your first born. All the signs point to you crying out for help and Joe doesn't realize how much you're drowning.
Pairing: Husband!Joe Burrow x Wife!Reader
Read Part 1 and Part 2 first
Series Masterlist
Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere
The warmth from the sunlight hit your face as it awoke you from your slumber. This was only the beginning of you not going to be able to sleep for long periods of time and it was only going to get worse.
You considered your normal to now be two hours at a time.
The pain medication was helping take the edge off, but the soreness still persisted which didn't come as a surprise.
Kiran was now three days old and today would be the day that he finally got discharged and cleared to go home as was told to you yesterday.
They wanted to observe him for just another 24 hours and more than likely, you would be cleared to leave this evening.
Glancing towards the window, Joe was still resting comfortably and you watched him for a minute before you adjusted yourself in the hospital bed.
Kiran was still sleeping after you just fed him about two hours ago and you decided to try and get up to move around the room since you hadn't really been up since the pain had been so bad. All you did was move the side table ever so slightly and Joe's right eye slightly opened and caught you red handed.
“Baby, what are you doing?”
“I just need to stretch my legs. I'm still so sore, but I got it. Go back to sleep.”
“No, let me help you. Is he sleeping?” He asked as he got up and stretched before walking towards you.
“Yeah, I just fed him two hours ago.” You answered as Joe swung your legs over the side of the bed.
He let you rest for a second in a sitting position and stood in front of you as he leaned down to place a soft kiss on the top of your head and your arms went around his waist holding him tight.
“I love you, baby.” He softly whispered as you smiled.
“I love you too.”
“Let me know when you're ready.”
“Okay. I'll probably try and take a shower too since Deja brought me some things. She left it at the desk and they brought it in here late last night.”
“Just let me know and I'll help you. Is it okay if people visit you today? A few people asked. I said they'll get an answer when you're ready.”
“Yes, I think I'm okay with that. But rules are no one is allowed to kiss him except us. That can get him really sick and I have seen it too many times.”
“Yes ma'am. Nurse Y/N has spoken. And I hired a team to do the nursery and they started yesterday. I forgot to tell you and my parents were there making sure everything was good. They did get a few things, but I was on my phone last night when you were sleeping buying things too. I think we have enough to get us by for now. I got a bougie ass stroller that I knew you would like.” Joe said as he smiled at you, making you laugh.
He missed hearing a genuine laugh come out of you.
He hadn't heard it in awhile.
Because there had been more disagreements between the two of you.
“If it's bougie, then it's perfect. How much was it?”
“Hmm, 4,000 give or take.” He told you as he shrugged and you looked at him with wide eyes.
“Joey…”
“He's our first one and needs to have the best.”
“That's true. Who is coming first and when?”
“I guess my parents. They wake up early anyway…so I can call them.”
“Okay and then I need you to do something for me once they get here.”
“Anything sweet girl.”
“Go home and rest in our bed. Regroup and then you can come back and don't forget my nuggets.”
“I… no way in hell am I leaving you.”
“Babe, listen to me. I am not going anywhere and neither is your little twin. You can leave us for an hour or two. Besides, your mother is probably going to watch me like a hawk. If something is wrong, you'll know. You've been such an amazing husband and daddy these past two days and I'm thankful for you.”
With a deep sigh, Joe slowly nodded his head before he kissed your forehead.
“You know I hate being away from you.”
“It's only for a little bit. Take a shower, sleep, and then bring some clothes for me to leave in because I am not putting my scrubs back on. I didn't realize how comfy these hospital gowns are.”
“Anything in particular you want me to bring?”
“Hmm one of your Bengals sweatshirts and my leggings. If we leave later, it's supposed to be a little cold. Oh, and shoes.”
“Got it. You ready to stand up?”
“I think so.”
Joe gradually helped you up to your feet and guided you to the bathroom. He got your toiletries from the ledge in the corner of the window and brought them to you as you stood in front of the mirror.
“How you feeling?”
“Still sore, but not as bad as when he first came out. I just can't wait until I stop bleeding.”
“I looked it up and it says the first four days are the heaviest and then it gets lighter. Oh, and it can last from four to eight weeks.” Joe quietly said the last part and you immediately sighed.
“It'll probably be over before you know it. Just call me when you want me to help you get in the shower.”
“Okay.”
Joe kissed your cheek one more time before he walked out the bathroom and closed the door behind him.
Once Joe walked over to the bassinet and peeked inside, he saw that Kiran was awake and smiled at him before picking him up in his arms.
“Hey little man.” Joe quietly said before picking up his phone to send a text to his parents.
“I just can't get over how cute you are and how you look just like me.”
Joe- She's feeling okay to have visitors today so come whenever
Robin- We'll be there by 9! The nursery is almost done too. She's going to love it.
–
As promised, Joe helped you shower and get into a clean gown before he helped you back to bed. You made sure to place your breakfast order because Joe wouldn't stop bothering you about it before it was time to feed Kiran again.
“Oh my goodness. Didn't I just feed you? Greedy just like your father.” You told him as you admired his blue eyes.
“I….” Joe started to say as he gave you the side eye, but was cut off by there being a knock on the door which he figured were his parents.
“Come in!” Joe said and a swarm of balloons and gifts were seen first before you actually saw who was behind it.
“Hey, you two! Or should I say three?” Robin said as her and Jimmy placed all the gifts on the area of the couch that was not occupied by Joe.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” You greeted both of them before looking down at Kiran who was now falling asleep again.
Robin and Jimmy came over and stood on either side of you and admired their newest grandson.
“He literally looks like Joe said copy, paste.” Robin stated before she quickly went to wash her hands and held her arms out to hold him.
“And looks like I wasn't the one who baked him for 38 weeks.” You mumbled as you passed him to her and they both laughed.
“The nursery is finished and you should have enough to get you started.” Jimmy told the both of you and you gave him a small nod along with a smile.
“I can't wait to see it.” You told him before turning to your husband.
“Joey, go home.”
“But…”
“What did we talk about? They're here and I'm fine. Go rest because I know that pull-out couch is not comfortable and I will see you in a few hours.”
“Hours!? You said one or two!”
“I'm fine….go.” You replied as you pointed towards the door.
Joe got up and walked over to you before leaning down to kiss you.
“I won't be long, okay? I love you.” He told you as he slightly ran his hand up and down your cheek.
“I promise that I'll still be here and I love you too.” You replied as you smiled at him.
He then walked over to his mom who Kiran was currently admiring and kissed his forehead before grabbing his keys and heading out the door.
The drive home gave Joe time to think about everything that happened over the last two days or so.
The radio was on a low volume as he maneuvered through the streets of Cincinnati and he reflected on how thankful as well as grateful he was.
His wife was okay as well as his son.
Who would have thought that this would be his reality after the argument that was had last week about having children with you?
At first, he obviously wasn't quite sure what your reaction would be.
There he was.
A little nine pound human that looked exactly like him and has now interrupted their lives as they knew it.
Initially, he thought of your reaction as being scared and upset as you pushed Kiran into his arms once you all got settled onto the postpartum unit.
I guess you got your wish after all
Were the words that echoed in his mind.
Yes, he got what he wanted.
But he didn't want to get it like this.
Training camp was starting in less than a week and the last thing he wanted was to leave you by yourself with a newborn baby.
Despite you being a pediatric nurse, this was different.
He was yours and there were no take backs in this case.
But, what other choice did he have?
That was his job and he had to properly prepare for the upcoming season.
If Kiran had been planned, there was no way he would have been born within this timeframe. That way he could really focus on the both of you.
He hadn't even discussed that with you, but already knowing how hard training camp is on you despite it not being very long, all he could do was pray that all of you made it out the other side in one piece.
As he finally pulled into the garage and turned off his car, he took a deep breath before heading into the house.
As he climbed the steps and reached the top, he walked past your bedroom to the closest guest room which he assumed was the room that was turned into the nursery by his parents.
He was proven right and saw that it was jungle themed with his name on the wall above his crib. Walking towards the crib and picking up the stuffed giraffe, it really hit him.
Later today, the real work would begin and neither one of you had the slightest clue what you were doing.
Back at the hospital, Robin and Jimmy were keeping Kiran occupied as you ate some of your breakfast and put on the television for background noise when you suddenly had the realization that you had now missed two days worth of your anxiety medication.
You pressed the button for your nurse using the call bell system and Makayla who was your nurse for the day walked right in.
“Hey, everything okay?” She asked while she was still rubbing in the sanitizer on her hands.
“Um, I haven't taken my anxiety medication in two days and I'm starting to feel the difference. I've been on it since I was 16 and definitely need it.”
“Okay, which one do you take?”
“Diazepam.” You told her and she nodded her head.
“So….” She began to say and then leaned down to whisper in your ear so that your in-laws couldn't hear.
“It's not recommended that you take diazepam while you breastfeed.” She said and your eyes went wide.
“But, don't panic. We'll see if we can get you something else similar that's okay to have.” She explained as you slowly nodded.
“Be right back.”
You were already dealing with a whirlwind of emotions and trying to do your best to process them and this was the last thing you needed added to it.
Since you had been on the medication so long, switching to another one while a whole bunch of things were going on in your body was not ideal in the slightest. So, your biggest fear was that it wouldn't work or affect your milk production.
The last thing you would ever want to do is bring harm to Kiran so a solution was quickly needed.
While Makayla went to do some investigating and speak to a doctor, you opened up your phone that the nurses were kind enough to charge for you at the desk and open the group chat with you, Jazmyn, Deja, and Gracie.
You- Hi ladies! I miss you!
Jazmyn- Hey Big Mama! How you feeling?
You- Tired and sore lol but I'm okay
Gracie- How's Joe's twin? Does he have a name yet?
You- He's the cutest and his name is Kiran Asterix Burrow. Beam of light and little star king
Deja- I've been calling him touchdown lol he is absolutely adorable and I'm so happy for you the both of you
Gracie- That name is perfect for him! And Touchdown is perfect too lol
You- Joe came up with it, but if you guys are free today, you can come and see him
Jazmyn- Say less. Packing the car and my bag right now.
Deja- Well damn lol me and Ja'Marr will be up there soon
Gracie- Jazmyn come get me!
Jazmyn- I should be to you in twenty!
You- Can't wait until you all get here 😊
Once you put your phone down, Makayla came back into the room with a smile and you prayed that she had a solution.
“How do you feel about trying Ativan instead?”
“Okay, I'm willing to see if it will work.”
“Perfect. I'll let the doctor know and we can go from there.”
Nodding your head, she left the room once more as Robin made her way over to you. She pulled up a chair and sat down and grabbed your hand while Jimmy sat on the couch and held Kiran.
“How do you feel? What is going through your head? And do not bullshit me.”
“I'm okay, really. Took a few days to process, but looks like this is my reality now.”
“Listen to me, do not hesitate to ask us for help if you need it. It's hard enough when the baby is planned and you're anticipating being a parent. You and Joe got absolutely none of that. And you didn't have any symptoms?”
“No and I calculated it in my head. I had to have taken a pregnancy test when I was already three months along, but for some reason it came out negative. It just doesn't make sense.”
“That's weird but no use in dwelling on it now. He's here and you can't stick him back up there. I'm just so happy for the both of you. Motherhood is such a beautiful thing and I might be a little biased, but having a baby boy is truly something special. Being a boy mom looks good on you.”
“Thank you.”
“And if my son gets on your nerves, let me know and I can set him straight.”
–
Walking into your home later that day felt…. Weird.
The last time you walked out of those doors, you went to work at the hospital and never thought for a second that you would be coming back with a newborn.
You thanked Robin and Jimmy multiple times for how they designed the nursery and everything was absolutely perfect. Now your job was to figure out how to navigate caring for a little human.
Kiran was currently sleeping and you were watching his chest slowly rise and fall before Joe came up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist.
You still couldn't wrap your mind around it.
“He isn’t going anywhere, babe. I promise.” Joe told you as he kissed your cheek.
“But I have to make sure he’s breathing. I can’t leave.” You replied while not taking your eyes off of him.
One of your many assessment skills from being a nurse.
“They wouldn’t have let us take him home if anything was wrong with him. We can leave him for a few minutes. Besides we have the baby monitor and the cameras to check in on him.”
“But…”
“You’ve been on your feet long enough, come and sit down.”
Finally listening to directions, Joe led you out of the nursery and into your shared bedroom but not without you looking back at least twice. You made yourself comfortable once you sat on the couch that was in the corner next to the window and Joe sat next to you. You wasted no time in laying your head in his lap.
“So, training camp starts next week.”
“Mmm hmm, my least favorite time of the year, but go on.” You told him as you closed your eyes.
“Who are you going to get to stay with you?”
“Umm, actually can you just stay here and then go the week after? I want you here with me.”
“Babe, that isn’t really…”
“We just had a baby, I’m sure that everyone will understand if you want to stay home with your wife and child.”
“I’ve already been preparing for it, babe, so I might as well go. Didn’t you mention about calling your parents and your sister to come and stay while I’m gone?”
“Yes, but the more that I thought about it, I don’t want you to leave.”
“I already had planned to go…”
“That was until I pushed out a child that looks exactly like you and I expect that my husband is going to support me when I ask.”
“I am supporting you. I’m getting someone to stay with you while I’m not here.”
“What are you not getting through that big head of yours? You’re smart so you should understand where I’m coming from.” You explained, but now you were annoyed as you sat up and looked at him.
“Are you going to hang it over my head every time that we disagree on something about how he got here and the fact that he looks like me?”
“I told you that when we were in the hospital that I would.”
“Call Jaz and your parents because I’m going. I don’t know what else to tell you and it’s not like I’m going to have many more years left playing. I want to do this and I thought that you of all people would understand that. It’s only for two weeks.”
When you were quiet and didn’t respond to him, he placed a hand on your thigh which you promptly removed.
“Baby…”
“I hope you have fun.”
“Don’t be mad.” Joe said as you got up and he caught your hand before you could walk away from him.
“One thing that you are not going to do is tell me how I should feel over something that you have the ability to change.”
“Y/N….”
“Like I said, have fun.” Was the last thing you said before you walked out of your bedroom.
One thing that you were grateful for is that within his now three almost four days of life, Kiran didn’t really cry and was a pretty content newborn. That’s why it made you nervous and you ultimately felt as if you had to watch his every move. It was different in the hospital because there were multiple people around but now it’s just you and your husband, who you felt was being very dismissive of your feelings at the moment.
It was close to ten at night and you were sitting in a rocking chair in the nursery currently feeding him and decided to facetime your sister. She barely let the phone ring before she picked it up.
“I officially have a crotch goblin.” You told her as you blinked and she couldn’t help but to do anything but laugh.
“Crumb snatchers" is the term that I like to use, but welcome to the club. No take backs.”
“I just can’t believe everything that has happened within the past 72 hours.”
“You and me both. I can’t believe your body decided to just hide him for nine months.”
“My stomach was basically flat the entire time despite when I got bloated on my period, but other than that, nothing. And he's huge.”
“So, how are you processing?”
“I’m not so how soon can you get here? I need my sister like NOW.” You exclaimed and she looked at you with wide eyes.
“Nothing is actually wrong, it’s just that you have two and obviously know what you’re doing and I feel like a fish out of water.”
“Yes, I may have two but every child isn’t the same and kids don’t come with a manual. The biggest thing that you need to do is to be patient with yourself. You and Joe are going to get things wrong and that’s okay. The most important thing is that you learn from it and try to be the best parent as humanly possible.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“I’m the big sister. I’m always right.” She replied as she winked at you and you rolled your eyes.
“Um, Joe starts training camp in like a week and some change. Can you, mom, and dad come then?”
“Oh, is he? He’s a vet in the league so I would think that he could skip training camp if he wanted to.”
“That conversation was had and I was told that he’s not staying here and that he’s going so I’m not going to dwell on it and no I don’t want to explain but I will say that him saying that pissed me off.”
“Uh… it would piss me off too. I’m not understanding. You literally just gave birth.”
“Me either, but it might be his way of processing. We all know how much that man loves fossils, space, and football.”
“Regardless, you just pushed out a nine pound human who keep in mind looks exactly like him,”
“Same thing I said, but I’m not arguing. It’s his job so I know how important it is. We literally haven’t talked since that conversation was had like 5 hours ago.”
“Y/N, you also have to stop being petty. No room for that when figuring out and navigating how to raise a baby.”
“It’ll be fine, I’m not worried about it. I’m stubborn as hell and do things on my own anyway so I’m used to it.”
“I feel like you’re brushing this off.”
“I’m not but I do know well enough that my son takes priority over all of that.”
“Who knows? Maybe he’ll change his mind. Too bad that they don’t have paternity leave in the NFL.”
“I’m not holding my breath and neither should you. Matter of fact, can you be here tomorrow?”
“If I can move some things around, I can be to you by 5 PM. Let me start looking at flights now.”
As soon as you hung up with Jaz, Joe appeared at the doorway.
You could feel someone staring at you and when you looked up, he sighed before walking in the nursery.
“Babe?”
“Yes? Did you need something?” You asked as you tightly wrapped Kiran back up in his jungle themed blanket that came along with the entire set for the nursery.
“You’re mad at me.”
“You want a cookie for stating the obvious?” You asked as you shifted Kiran in your arms.
“Babe, can you at least just try to see it from my perspective?”
“Didn’t I tell you to have fun?”
“You sarcastically said it. And anytime you do that I know I’m in dangerous territory.”
“Hmm, that was your interpretation.” You told him as you shrugged.
“Okay, pause. Because what are we doing? Why are we arguing over this?”
“Not arguing, I’m putting my son to sleep. If that’s the case, you’re arguing with yourself.”
“Y/N….”
“You made your decision and even though I don’t like it, I respect it. Now goodnight.”
“It is literally only eight PM.”
“And? I’m going to bed, so goodnight like I said.”
The next morning, Joe let you sleep as long as possible since he knew how tired you were and was on daddy duty with Kiran.
Enough milk was put in the freezer for him since you didn't do anything but pump yesterday when the three of you got back.
For the most part, Kiran slept throughout the night and only woke up twice. Both times Joe went to check on him since you were knocked out cold. Which he could understand and if it was a problem that he could solve, he wouldn't wake you up for it.
Now the two of them were downstairs in his office tying up any loose ends before the season started. Kiran was content on being held by Joe with one arm while the other hand scrolled on his laptop.
He soon heard your footsteps and soon enough you peeked into the doorway before walking all the way in. Once you did, Joe did a double take.
“Uh, baby girl?” Joe asked when he noticed that you had your scrubs on.
“Yes, husband?” You asked as you tickled Kiran's stomach and kissed his cheek.
“Where are you going? And why are you in your scrubs? And I didn't get a kiss from you.”
“I'm going to work and even though I'm still annoyed with you, here.” You replied as you leaned down to kiss him, which by Kiran's face he wasn’t too thrilled about.
Only four days old and already territorial over his mother.
“Uh? Excuse me? No, you aren’t.”
“How are you going to tell me what I can and cannot do? Aren’t you going to work in a matter of a week?” You asked while crossing your arms.
“You gave birth FOUR DAYS AGO. That’s the difference between me and you. He was huge, no offense Kiran, but you are a little on the thicker side.”
“I feel fine and I'm not bleeding as much.”
“No. Absolutely not. No. You are literally on maternity leave. Keyword LEAVE. As in not working as in staying home with me and your newborn baby.”
“I can work only part of the day.”
Joe just stared at you as he used his free hand to pinch the bridge of his nose.
“I don't know who's more stubborn, me or you?”
“I…”
“Can you please just sit down and relax? Like I'm almost done and we can do breakfast. What do you have a taste for?”
“I want to go to work, that's what I have a taste for.”
“Not an option. So I'll give you something to choose between. Pancakes, waffles, or French toast?”
“But…”
“This is one thing I'm not budging on. You need to rest and not leave this house until it is absolutely necessary. Now, which one?”
“Pancakes and I want a tall stack. And an egg white omelet. And orange juice. And strawberries. And a lot of bacon.”
“Fine, whatever you want, now go change out of your scrubs. You want to take him?”
“No not yet, I'll be back since I'm not allowed to go anywhere.”
“You'll thank me later.”
“Jaz will be here tonight since you're leaving me.”
“Baby, don't start… It's next week. I'm not leaving today.”
“All I know is that I better get an expensive ass push gift when you come back.” You yelled loud enough for him to hear as you ventured back up the stairs.
“Kiran, I think mommy needs a new car and maybe then she'll be less mad at me for not letting her go to work.”
–
As you and your sister were on the back patio sitting around the firepit, Joe was inside with Kiran for you to get some quality time with your sister.
You didn't get to see her as much as you would have liked and planned on taking advantage of it while she was here.
“When is it going to kick in? The reality of it all?” You asked as you slipped your apple juice.
“If it hasn't kicked in yet, it will soon. I promise.” She replied as you sighed.
“I want to do a good job but because I wasn't ready and was basically thrown into this, it's weighing heavily on me.”
“Literally no one is ever ready to be a parent and you have got to stop being so hard on yourself. Besides, you are only four days in and it takes time. I'd give anything for them to be that small again. Don't take it for granted because it'll be gone before you know it.’
“I just want to be proud of myself at the end of the day for being an amazing mother.”
“And I have no doubt in my mind that you can't make that a reality.”
“The argument me and Joe had last week replays over and over in my mind like a fucking broken record.”
“And it was about having kids?”
“Yeah and he got super defensive about it but being a nurse, I'm looking at it from a medical standpoint too, pregnancy is fucking scary and so many different things can go wrong within those nine months and at the birth. So, my reasoning for not being ready was valid. I mean it ended up being fine, but what if it wasn't?”
“Let me ask you this…”
“Hmm?”
“And be honest…”
“Okay, Jaz spit it out, damn!”
“I know you said that you always wanted children but when I saw you become a nurse, a pediatric one at that, I saw a shift. Would you agree?”
“Agree with what?”
“I can read you like a book. You didn't want them or not as much as you used to when you saw all the different things that could happen to them up close. I feel like that played a part in you holding out so long.”
“Maybe….. I'm not disagreeing with you because that is always in the back of my mind. Even now when I would make myself upset about Joe's injuries and what he would have to go through rehab wise. I'm always thinking about the worst that could happen and I know that's one of my downfalls on top of being stubborn. I don't regret having him at all. At least I don't think I do.”
“Well apparently from what I heard you AND your husband are stubborn.”
“Definitely not going to argue with you on that one because it's the truth.”
“I can already tell that this is going to turn into you being a helicopter parent if you aren't careful in how you navigate it.”
“I don't want that for them. I want to be able to trust them.”
“Then stop thinking about what is the worst thing that could possibly happen day in and day out.”
“It's going to be hard to break out of doing that, but I obviously don't have a choice.”
“It's going to be okay, Pooh.” She told you as you let out a deep sigh.
“I hope so.”
“And Kiran is such a cutie.”
“And looks nothing like me.” You said as you finished the last of your apple juice.
“He got your hair so that counts for something.”
The sliding door was heard from behind you as Joe emerged with Kiran and you gave him a blank stare.
“I don't have any more milk to give him, so he wanted to go to the source.” He told you and he handed him to you.
“I didn't pump as much as I did yesterday so that's probably why and it doesn't help that he has your appetite.” You told Joe while eyeing him.
“Look, I'm innocent.” He told you as he held his hands up in defense.
“Gonna end up bleeding me dry and he was nine pounds, that was all you.” You sarcastically said as you undid your bra.
“Not my fault my genes are strong and it still amazes me how he hid in there.”
“Don't even get me started.” You replied as he began to feed and Joe sat down next to you.
“Can't wait until we have another one.”
Your eyes instantly went wide and you looked at him in disbelief.
“Can we get used to having him first before we start talking about having another one?” You asked and Joe shrugged.
“Nothing wrong with planning for it.”
Jazsmin could sense your annoyance and quickly jumped into the conversation to ease the tension.
“So, Joe, how's dad life going for you?”
“I mean so far, so good. Still scared as hell though, but I figure that the scared feeling will go away eventually.”
“It honestly won't, I still have that feeling and mine are now teenagers. I'll probably feel like this forever, but it levels out a little bit.”
“I hope it does. Definitely excited that he's here and that both of them are healthy.”
“Sooo, training camp is next week?”
“It is and I'm excited for the season to start.”
“And I'm excited to hopefully go to more games this year.”
“And Kiran will get to see me play even though he won't have any idea what is going on.” Joe said as he peeked over at him.
“I can't wait until he's old enough to actually understand what's going on and understand how important your job is.”
“And how his dad is one of the most accurate quarterbacks of all time.” You added as you switched him to the other side.
“And who knows? He might be next.”
A week had passed and it was now Sunday afternoon.
Training camp was due to start tomorrow and you were wondering why Joe hadn't left yet. After you had put Kiran down for a nap, you found him in the kitchen looking in the fridge.
“Why are you still here?” You asked and he turned around and looked at you confused.
“Uh? I live here?” He replied while opening a bottle of water.
“You know what I mean. Don't you have somewhere to be tomorrow?”
“No.”
“Since when?”
“My wife doesn't want me to go so I'm not going.” Joe replied as he gave you a blank stare.
“I refuse to do this with you and I told you to have fun. And why did you say it like that?”
“But yet, you told me that you wanted me here with you so which one is it? And how did I say it?”
“I'm always going to want to have you here with me and that hasn't changed. But what has changed is the number of people in this family and the fact that someone is now depending on us. And I don't know how you said it, but I didn't like it.”
“And that's why I'm not going. I don't understand what you want from me at this point. I'm staying home for the first week and will go the second week to spend time with the two of you.”
“But why did it take all this before coming to this decision? I told you how I felt when you first bought it up and you basically ignored my feelings.”
“How did I ignore you when I'm doing what you asked?”
“Now you are and at first you weren't.”
“Why do I feel like there is no pleasing you? No matter what I do to make you happy, you always find something to complain about and it gets tiring.”
“That isn't true.”
“Hmm, you sure? Because I can think of a few things.”
“Um, why are we arguing?”
“Because it seems like you're always looking for a fight about something and it makes my head hurt.”
“I'm not trying to fight with you, I'm just trying to explain how I feel. That doesn't involve fighting or arguing. At least it's not supposed to. Just… you can go if you want.”
“No, because then you're going to be mad and have an attitude about me going.”
“Why are you making this so difficult?” You asked as you let out a sigh and was on the verge of tears.
“I'm really not. All I said was that I wasn't going and then it turned into this big thing.”
“Well forget I even said anything.” You replied as you turned on your heels to walk away from him.
“Y/N….”
You didn't even bother to answer him and just kept walking.
“Babe! Walking away from me isn't going to fix this.”
“I don't want to make your head hurt so I'll keep my distance.”
You could hear Joe loudly sigh and knew for a fact that an eye roll probably followed.
It seemed as if the problems between you and Joe had escalated since Kiran was born. It was safe to say that the two of you had been having a lot more disagreements than you have had in the past and it looked like it was only getting worse with the two of you not seeing eye to eye.
But these problems have gone unresolved and adding a baby on top of that wasn't the most ideal situation.
You simply curled up on the couch with your Bengals blanket and attempted to find something on TV to watch to distract you from the fact that out of the two people you loved most in this world, one of them you currently wanted nothing to do with.
You loved him with every fiber of your being but you couldn't understand why the two of you hadn't been seeing eye to eye on anything and hoped that this would end sooner rather than later.
It didn't take long for what you thought was a perfect routine when it came to Kiran. That was interrupted by the season being underway and you honestly felt as if you couldn't catch your breath.
Joe was gone a lot of the time and you get it. It was his job, but as soon as he walked through the door, you wasted no time in passing Kiran to him to spend quality time with.
You thought the one week that he went to training camp was bad with Kiran constantly crying and wanting Joe which was the conclusion that you came up with. He was fed with a dry diaper, and his temperature was fine.
He just wanted his daddy.
He had been quiet for the most part when he knew both of you were home, but when he didn't see his father for long stretches of time, all hell would break loose and it sometimes took you a good hour or two to get him to relax.
You never mentioned this to Joe because the last thing you wanted to do was make him feel bad about ultimately doing his job to keep a roof over all of your heads.
When this happened you wasted no time in letting anybody hold him who was willing to take him whether it be at home games that you went to or when people came to the house to check on you just so you could have some type of break.
Not having your anxiety medication on top of not working was weighing heavily on you. You were thankful for the break so that you could spend time with Kiran, but you really just wanted to feel normal again.
Trying to be supportive of Joe right now was proving to be difficult. The arguments weren't happening as much as they were before seeing as a lot of the time you were at home with the company of your baby. At least he did surprise you with a push gift that was a new Mercedes Benz that you had been eyeing for a while and as soon as training camp was over, it was in your driveway with a big red bow on top.
Bottom line was that you missed the way that you and Joe used to be.
Communicating with each other in a healthy manner
Not arguing about the smallest things that shouldn't matter
And honestly spending time with each other
The two of you would always have date night, but since Kiran had been born that was all Joe focused on.
Kiran and football seemed to be his only priorities and you felt forgotten or as if you were a second choice.
It also didn't help that your hair was basically thinning and now falling out. But, you made sure to keep it wrapped up or wore wigs so that no one would be able to tell.
If he was only three months now, would this get better, or something that you just had to deal with?
For now, Joe had just walked through the door and sat down on the couch when you spotted him after coming down the steps.
When you were finished feeding him, your intention was to hand him over to his dad that he hadn't seen all day.
“Here, can you take him?” You asked Joe before pushing Kiran into his arms.
The headache that had started earlier in the day still had not let up and you needed to lay down in a dark room because you could tell that it was about to turn into a migraine.
“I…. You literally just held him to feed him and you're giving him back to me already?” Joe replied with a confused look.
“Yeah, what's the problem? You're his dad aren't you? And I've been with him all day.” You replied as you massaged your temples.
“The problem is why don't you want to bond with our son and pass him off every chance that you get? You've been doing this since he was born.”
“No I don't and I don't know what you're talking about.”
“You do know what I'm talking about so stop pretending like you don't. You literally tried to go back to work when he was FOUR DAYS OLD.”
“I love my job, there's no harm in that.” You said as you shrugged.
“But it's not more important than him and you literally just pushed out a nine pound person. Give yourself a chance to recover a little bit.”
“Never said it was and I felt fine enough to do it.”
“But you're acting like it is and there is a such thing called maternity leave for a reason. I don't understand what is going on with you and therefore can't help if you don't let me in.”
“Going on with me? Really?” You asked with a sarcastic laugh as you sat down across from him.
“Uh yeah? I don't know why that response came out.”
“You don't know? How about not realizing you're pregnant until you're in labor when you've been taking birth control and had a period the entire time? Your dream that you finally accomplished gets put on hold because now you have to step into the role of a mother which you had stated a week prior and multiple times in the past that you were not in fact ready for? So I'm sorry if it's taking me a little bit longer to get accustomed to this.”
“He is three months old. It's not like it happened yesterday.”
You honestly couldn't believe how insensitive he was being since he had never done anything like this before.
Joe always took the time to talk to you if he knew that something was bothering you, it now seemed as if his one and only concern is Kiran.
Not his wife who brought his son into the world.
“And that is supposed to make it easier?”
“I didn't say that. But it's not just me. You pass him to anyone that is able to take him. You claim that you want to be a mother, but I'm not so sure. Seems like I'm doing both jobs and still keeping up with everything that I have to do in the middle of the damn season. No matter what time it is when I get home or wake up it's the same thing.”
“Please don't start.” You pleaded while closing your eyes for a brief moment.
“I'm barely getting any sleep because you're not helping me! I didn't sign up to be a single parent!”
“Really? That's how we feel? You’re doing both jobs?”
“I do have a career that I'm barely able to pay attention to. I honestly have no idea how our record is as good as it is because I'm so damn tired.”
“So do I, you aren't special. And you don't think I'm tired?”
“Y/N, I'm really trying to be patient with you. I don't want to argue.” Joe told you as he adjusted Kiran in his arms who was admiring him with his big blue eyes.
“Too late. Besides, you started it. So, let's recap. I'm a horrible mother who pays no attention to her son. Got it.”
“No, that's not…”
“It is. And I'm just supposed to get over this even though he is three months old. Get over not being able to do my job that I have worked my ass off for, get over my body not quite being the same even if it showed no signs of pregnancy, suppress my feelings and keep them in check because I have to be the perfect little wife and now perfect mother. And get over my husband not giving a damn about how my mental state is knowing that I have anxiety that has now gotten ten times worse, but he probably didn't even notice. But it's okay because he got his wish. He became a father. Didn't matter how I felt and it still doesn't.”
“Baby…”
“Give him here and just leave me alone. I know you probably have film to watch, so go do that while I bond with our child that you claim I pay no attention to.” You told him as you got up from the couch and walked towards him.
“Not if you're going to act like this.”
“Oh, so now you don't want me to take him? Make up your mind because my patience has just about run out.”
“Just… take a breath. I do not want to fight and I don't know how many times I have to say that.”
“It's amazing how you start the argument and then say that you don't want to fight. Give him here like I said and go watch film.”
With a deep sigh knowing that you two weren't going to resolve this at this very moment, Joe handed Kiran to you before you walked downstairs into your library.
Sliding open the door, you walked in and sat in the corner and let the tears fall.
“Kiran, I'm sorry that I'm not being everything that your father wants me to be. I'm trying my best but… obviously I'm doing a not so good job. I wish that he would be more patient with me because I know that this is a lot on both of our shoulders. But, I don't regret having you for a second, please don't think I do. I just… am so scared of messing up and I know that I won't be able to live with myself if I do.” You explained to him as the tears were once again threatening to fall, he looked up at you and cuddled himself closer to you as if he was comforting you in his own little way.
“I love you so so much and want to give you the best life possible. I just have to get through this hard part first.” You said and kissed his cheek making him smile.
Thinking that reading a book would help relax you, you put Kiran in his swing that you had put down here earlier in the day and walked to the multiple shelves to find a book that you hadn't read yet.
The task didn't prove to be difficult since your big sister, Jazsmin had gotten a lot for you when she flew here to help you when Kiran was first born.
Making sure he was okay, you settled into your comfortable chair next to him before cracking it open hoping to take your mind off of everything going on around you.
The next few days went by without incident, but only because you were avoiding your husband as best as you could.
Joe wasn't necessarily trying to brush it off like nothing happened, but the awkwardness in how he approached you was there.
For now, Joe was at an away game playing the Chargers in California while you and Kiran were sitting on the floor in the living room watching Gracie's Corner.
Might as well start him early.
Joe had left a few hours ago and should be arriving soon to his hotel. He would usually FaceTime you to let you know that he was safe, but you weren't holding your breath.
For now you were focused on why your milk production had suddenly slowed down out of nowhere. Usually the freezer would be full of pouches of milk for him, but now it was barely anything.
It was a mystery and you couldn't pinpoint what the possible source could be so for now as much as you didn't like the idea, you tried to supplement with formula but Kiran was not a fan. He took one drop of it, scrunched up his cute little face and began to whimper.
“I know, baby, I know. I'm sorry but mommy doesn't have a lot of milk right now and this is the next best thing.” You said as you tried to comfort him.
“But we can try again.” You told him as you lifted your shirt and he wasted no time at all latching on. So far it was coming out so hopefully it stayed that way.
As soon as you switched him to the other side, a facetime call came through from Joe and you couldn't help but to roll your eyes before answering.
“Yes?”
“Hey, I'm….” Joe started to say but stopped mid sentence as his eyes went wide.
“What?” You asked as you stared at him.
“Your hair…..”
“What about it?” You asked as you looked at him.
“It's gone?” He answered as if it was a question.
“Yep.”
“Um, uh? I literally just left a few hours ago and it was down your back.”
Saying that it was down your back was him being generous.
“And now it's not.”
“But… why?”
“Because I wanted to. Can we move on now?”
Ten minutes after Joe left the house, you packed up Kiran along with his baby bag and made your way to the salon that you always went to.
The same girl, Shakiera, always did your hair and she was very surprised when you told her to cut it all off.
You and her went back and forth until it was decided that a cute pixie cut would be the winner and dyed it jet black with small blonde highlights throughout.
“Why does everything have to turn into an argument with you? Usually you ask for my opinion about your hair before you change anything about it.”
“I'm not even arguing with you so I don't know why you said that.”
“I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.”
You took a long deep breath to calm yourself as Joe ran a hand through his hair.
“How's Kiran?”
“Fine.”
“Well can I see him?” Joe's voice dripped with a slight attitude and it took everything in you not to hang up right then and there.
You titled your phone down so Joe could see that he was nursing and then quickly lifted it back up.
Nothing was said for at least thirty seconds and Joe finally broke the silence.
“I just wanted to tell you I got here safely.”
“Mm hmm, have a good game.” You replied without looking at him.
“Y/N, what is the problem? Like, I'm trying my best here.”
“There is no problem.”
“Will you stop lying to me for thirty seconds? Thirty seconds is all I'm asking for!”
“Fine, let's do this. The only thing you seem to care about is how many kids that I can give you and that I'm a baby making machine since that is all you ever talk about now and not my actual well being since he was born and ever since the season started even though you claim I treat you like a single parent, you haven't asked me ONCE how I was handling everything since we've been home. I suffer from headaches almost daily, cannot take my anxiety meds because they can pass through my breastmilk and every single one that I've tried hasn't worked. Now my milk is low and he doesn't like the taste of formula but it's not like you even care enough to ask. That other day when you snapped at me for asking you to hold him, I had been up since 3 am with a headache that still hadn't gone away and just needed a minute but I guess that was too much to ask for. I always apparently ask for too much, so I'd rather sit in silence and suffer. I cut my hair because it's actually falling out to make myself feel somewhat better and you act like the world is ending instead. I'm done, I'm done with this.”
“Wait, baby! I…”
“Goodnight.”
You hung up without another word and turned your phone off completely not wanting to talk to him or anyone else and couldn't help but start to cry. For someone who hardly ever cried, it had been happening a lot lately and you couldn't help it.
Emotions were running high and you just wanted for this to be over and done with.
All you wanted was to feel better and be the mother that you knew you were capable of being.
Joe was at a loss as you hung up on him.
He tried calling you back multiple times, but it ended up going to voicemail every time he made an attempt.
Running a hand through his hair, he took a deep breath before finding Ja’Marr and seeing if he could help in the situation or had any advice for him.
As soon as he approached him, Ja’Marr could sense that something was wrong and instantly got a frown on his face.
“You good, bro?”
“I think I just might be the worst husband in the world.”
“I highly doubt that and know for a fact that Y/N would probably disagree too.”
“No, she would agree. We just argued for the millionth time and she hung up on me. I tried calling her back, but it went straight to voicemail, meaning that she turned off her phone.”
“I’m sure it’s something that the two of you will be able to fix by the time we get back home.”
“I’m not so sure. I said it felt like I was a single parent the other day when I snapped at her when all she asked was for me to hold Kiran. I told her that it seemed like she never wants to bond with him and always passes him off every time that she gets.”
“Oh… that is dangerous territory….”
“Well, she asked me to hold him because she had been up since 3 am that day with a headache that hadn’t gone away and this was right after getting home from practice. I still had to watch film and do a whole bunch of shit and she was right on me as soon as I walked in the door. It’s like I can’t even breathe. I didn’t know that and apparently she’s not making enough milk and Kiran refuses to take anything else, she hasn’t been on her anxiety meds in three months because they can pass through the breast milk and she cut off all of her hair because I just learned that it was falling out. She hardly talks to me, so I don't know how I was supposed to know any of this.”
“Umm…. She probably doesn't talk to you because she feels like she can't.”
“I never want her to feel like she can't come to me. I think I’ll ask Deja to go and check on her. She might do something to hurt herself and I can't wrap my head around something like that happening. How did I not realize this and it’s been in front of my fucking face this whole time? My wife has been suffering and I’ve been blowing her off. Oh and the icing on the cake was that she said that she feels that the only importance that she holds in my life is based on how many kids that she can give me which is the furthest thing from the truth. I admit that I have been talking about having another one, but I didn’t mean right now. Fuck, I have no idea what to do. Can you call Deja for me? I need her to break down the damn door if it comes to it.” Joe looked at Ja’Marr who was taking everything in and nodded as he pulled out his phone.
“It’s going to be okay, it just seems like Y/N might need a little more help processing this. I mean her body did hide an entire pregnancy so I knew that it had to be difficult from the start.”
“Hello?” Deja picked up on the second ring and Ja’Marr handed Joe the phone.
“Deja! It’s Joe and I need a favor from you.” He asked as he was now in full blown panic mode.
“Yeah, what’s going on?”
“Use the spare key that I gave you and go and check on Y/N. We got into an argument and she hung up on me. Now she’s not answering my calls. She’s next level pissed at me but I need to make sure that she isn’t going to hurt herself.”
“Oh shit. Um, sure, yeah. I’ll go right over and I’ll let you know.” She replied while grabbing her car keys.
Once Joe hung up and handed Ja’Marr his phone back, it took everything in him not to start to cry.
He had let you down and that was the last thing that he ever wanted to do. When he said his vows, he meant every word and these past few months he had fallen short of being the husband that you needed. All he could do now was hope and pray that the two of you could make it through this in one piece with your marriage still intact. He was willing to do the work to repair it, but didn’t know if you were too far gone in order to forgive him.
Deja was going to give you a second.
She was currently at your front door with your favorite food order from Hangry Joe’s and rang the doorbell.
She was giving you one chance to open the door and the next step would be her using the key.
You peeked out of the window and saw Deja and cursed to yourself. She briefly looked over and had seen you so you knew that there was no way of getting out of this.
“Go away, Deja.” You yelled so you knew that she could hear you.
“Not a chance, babe. Open the door, I have food.”
“I’m fine, just please leave me alone.”
“Y/N, I am giving you one chance to open this door. You are in fact not fine.”
“And how do you know that?”
“Because your husband called me, let me in.”
“Fuck.” You muttered under your breath because you should have known that this was going to happen.
When Deja didn’t hear another response from you, she quickly put her key in the lock and turned it. What she didn’t realize was that your back was against the front door and was trying to stop her from coming in.
She met resistance and knew that all of your body weight was against the door.
“Y/N, move!”
“No!”
“I will also call Jazmyn and Gracie to help me break down this door. You are scared, anxious, and tired. Please let me in so I can help you.”
Too tired to put up anymore of a fight, you opened the door wide enough so that she could come in and sit on the couch. Kiran was in his bassinet sleeping as she sat next to you.
“Come on, let’s eat some food first and then we can talk about the hard stuff.” She said as she gave you a hug.
You instantly burst into tears as you hugged her back.
“I know this is hard, but you can do hard things. Like I said, come on and eat first.”
–
“Uh, Y/N? When’s the last time you actually ate?” Deja asked as your food was now halfway gone.
“Um, I actually don’t remember.” You quietly said as you took a sip of lemonade.
“Y/N, you have got to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of Touchdown. He’s counting on you and Joe.”
“I know and um this is probably why my milk has been just about nonexistent. I tried giving him formula, but he hates the taste of it.”
“You have to eat and get nutrients so your body can make food for him.” Deja stated as you nodded your head.
You already knew this, you were a nurse after all.
But, why was this so hard?
Once the two of you finished eating, Deja reached her hand towards yours and grabbed it.
“Your hair looks fucking amazing by the way. And um, you ready to talk? Tell me what’s been going on.”
“I guess so. And thank you.” You quietly said before sighing.
“Let's hear it.”
“I just feel so overwhelmed with everything and whenever I ask Joe something, he brushes me off. I… can't take my anxiety medication because it can pass through my breastmilk, every med that they tried to give me to take until I'm finished nursing completely doesn't work, Joe claims that I don't want to bond with Kiran and always pass him off every chance I get and says that he didn't sign up to be a single parent. Even though now he's barely here because of it being the middle of the season. I…. I had to put my dream that I finally accomplished on hold and since the season has started, it has gotten ten times harder. I'm always here just about by myself, I have headaches just about every day and I'm trying to be a good wife and mother but Joe obviously thinks I'm full of shit and thinks I don't want to be a mother when that was never the case. I said I just wasn't ready right now. We had an argument the week before he was born about when we were going to have children and I said I wasn't ready and then I went to work and ended up leaving my job with a newborn baby. It's so hard for me to process and since we've been home, not once has my husband asked if I was okay. He literally left when he was two weeks old to go to training camp despite me wanting him to stay here, but he did at least stay the first week with me. I just… it seems like he only sees my worth as how many kids I can give him. I told him before we got married that I didn't want to be a stay at home wife and mother and that has not changed. Me and him aren't on the same page and haven't been for a while. I can't say I need a break from him because I barely see him. I just want him to fucking listen to me.”
At this point, tears were rolling down your face and Deja quickly found you something to wipe your face with.
“You know he called me because he thought you might try to hurt yourself.”
“I would never do that. I've been through hard shit in my life and know that it isn't going to last forever. I know that there is an end to all this, but right now it doesn't feel that way. I would never leave my baby.” You replied while finishing the last of your lemonade.
“So, Y/N, you're a nurse, right?”
“Mm hmm. What are you getting at?”
“Postpartum depression. I had it with my second. And it doesn't help that you have added stress on top of it.”
As soon as Deja said it, it felt as if you had been hit by a ton of bricks.
How did you not see it before?
“Oh.”
“And I think that you should probably talk to someone. But you also have to talk to your husband and make him LISTEN. Explain everything you told me to him when he gets back.”
“I don't want to talk to him right now.”
“And your feelings are 100% valid. Just take a breath and try to relax for the rest of the day. I'll let him know that you're okay and you need to go and take a nap. I have Kiran.”
“You don't have to stay, I….”
“Stop and let me help you. Do you have any milk frozen?”
“I do, it's the last two and I can try to pump more once he eats those.”
“That's fine. I have him, go lay down.”
Once you were upstairs in your bedroom, Deja wasted no time with opening her phone and FaceTimed Ja'Marr.
“Hey, is she okay?” He asked and Deja shook her head no.
“Pass Joe the phone.” Was all she said and he sighed.
When Joe's face appeared, Deja had a frown on her face.
“Hey, what's going on?”
“Your wife is sleeping and I'm looking after Touchdown.”
“Okay….”
“Joe, I brought her food and she told me that she doesn't remember the last time she ate.” She told him as she picked up Kiran and set him in her lap. He saw his dad in front of him and immediately started to squeal and smile.
“Wait, what? Hey little man, daddy misses you.”
“From everything she told me, if I could reach my hand through this phone and pop you upside the head, I would.”
“I…”
“She has postpartum depression and you have been making this ten times harder for her.”
“What is that?”
“Be a good husband and look it up and get her some help. Her phone is still off and I told her to talk to you once you get back and you need to actually LISTEN. That girl is DROWNING.”
“I never want to make things harder for her.”
“Well you have and now you have to fix it.”
The next day was game day and as soon as Joe woke up he sent a good morning text that went unanswered by you.
Even though you had read it.
He waited for about two hours before he decided to send another one.
Boo Bear 💕- I have not been such a good husband to you and I know that you're frustrated with me. It was never my intention and I'm sorry for making you feel like you had to go through this alone and couldn't come to me. I know that you don't want to talk to me right now, but you have my full attention and things are going to be different from here on out. Please know and don't doubt for a second that I love you and cannot see myself doing this life without you.
He had hardly gotten any sleep the night before because he was worried about you. He looked up what postpartum depression was and saw that you didn't have one or two symptoms, but multiple.
As soon as he got back home, his main focus was getting you help and getting your marriage back on track because this had been going on for far too long.
He still couldn't believe that his mind had checked out so much that he stopped paying attention to the love of his life and that was what was hurting him. You were crying out for help and all he did was ignore the signs and instead just focused on Kiran.
When he had woken up from tossing and turning, he sent an edible arrangement to the house with all of your favorite fruit and chocolate hoping that would aid in helping cheer you up. He hadn't gotten one for you in a while and would do it periodically and figured this was a good time as ever.
He also looked into the company Black Girl Vitamins and got some to help with stimulating hair growth, energy, sleep, and also everyday vitamins that would be there in the next few days.
He should have done this early on in your postpartum journey and was ultimately kicking himself, but better late than never.
As he was deciding his game day outfit because he brought three to choose from, his phone rang with a facetime call from none other than his wife and he immediately answered. He wasn't expecting to talk to you until he got back home seeing what happened between you two.
He saw your face come into view and gave you a small smile.
“Hi, baby girl.”
“Hi, thank you for my edible arrangement. The man delivering it knocked on the door like he was the police and it made me nervous for a second.” You told him as you threw another pineapple in your mouth.
“You’re welcome and I have a few other things coming for you to help your body stabilize everything that's going on with you and I'm sorry that I haven't been who you needed me to be throughout this whole process. I hope that you still love me and can forgive me. I always say how I take my vows seriously, but I've been disappointing myself and you in that department and there's no excuse for my behavior and I'm not going to try and make one. The fact that you didn't even feel safe enough to come to me speaks volumes and that's unacceptable. You need to always feel safe and that you'll be supported when it comes to your husband.” Joe quietly confessed and you took in everything that he was saying.
“Did you say that you hoped that I still loved you? Joseph, are you stupid, simple, or slow? Of course I still love you and don't ever let me hear you say that again.”
“Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't. I've been an asshole of a husband towards you and Deja said if she was close enough to me that she would knock me upside my head for how I've been acting.” Joe replied as you stifled a laugh.
“Yeah, that sounds like something that she would say and I accept your apology. But I'm not going to fall out of love with you overnight.”
“We're both too stubborn for our own good aren't we?” He asked and you nodded, agreeing with him.
“Let's hope that's one thing we don't pass onto him.”
“We'll talk more when I get back because there's a lot that I need to say in person so I can explain my reasoning or thought process of why I did what I did.”
“Okay and someone is awake and wants to say hi.” You said as you propped your phone up on the table and picked up Kiran who was growing bigger by the minute.
You were convinced that he needed to be put on Joe's O-Line to protect him.
“Damn, he wasn't that big when I left yesterday.” Joe exclaimed when his twin came into view.
“Yes he was! He takes after you and I wouldn't be surprised if he's close to 20 pounds. Look at his rolls. He looks like a little Michelin man.” You said as you laughed while Kiran just stared at you and Joe looking around.
“Hey baby boy. You better be good for mommy while I'm gone.”
All Kiran did was blow a series of spit bubbles as he smiled at the camera.
“He promises to be on his best behavior and we'll be cheering you on. You'll be back later tonight?”
“Should be since we play at one.” He answered as you put Kiran back down in his playpen. He had on his dad's jersey and was game day ready.
“Okay, see you then.”
“See you then.”
“Have a good game.”
“Didn’t get my good luck kisses, but the facetime call will have to do for now. I love you and our little big baby.” Joe told you as you let out a small laugh.
“We love you too.”
The day passed by quickly as it was now around nine at night and you had just taken a quick shower while Kiran was sleeping.
Walking out of the bathroom after wrapping yourself up in a warm towel, Joe was sitting on the bed with his arms held out wide for you and you instantly went over to him and sat on his lap as he kissed you and held you tight.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Kiran is still sleeping, I just checked on him when I heard you in the shower.”
“Okay.”
“So I told you I wanted to explain a few things. I… I think it was my own way of coping with having to deal with being thrown into the role of being a father. I thought, which was very wrong of me by the way, is that because you were a pediatric nurse that you would be able to handle it. That wasn't fair to you. It was new for the both of us and I needed to be more sensitive to that. It's different taking care of other people's children and taking care of yours.”
“I honestly kind of figured that was happening, especially around the time that training camp was about to start. It was extremely overwhelming and you needed to find some type of balance and normal and football is that for you. It's not foreign to you and you know it very well. I know that you wanted to be a father, but like you said, you didn't want it to happen like this. And I was wrong to place all of the blame on you because it's both of us.”
“Exactly, that's the best way to put it. Now walk me through how you're feeling.”
“Well for one, my hair is falling out. I don't know if it's from stress or from being postpartum and it was obviously making me upset so I decided to cut it. Every day I would wake up and take off my bonnet to see literal chunks and clumps of my hair coming out.”
“I bought some vitamins specifically to help with that and I do like it by the way, it's different and I love that I can see your face better. I was just caught off guard when I saw you. What else?” Joe asked as he kissed your cheek.
“My milk production was low because I was forgetting to eat and I think that issue won't really be a problem now that I know the cause. I set a timer on my phone today so I could eat multiple times throughout the day and thank you for that.”
“And, your anxiety meds?”
“As long as I breastfeed, I can't take them.”
“We can always use formula. Wait never mind, he doesn't like the taste of it. But I don't want you to suffer through this.”
“I just have to go back to my doctor to see if there is something else we can try.”
“Okay just keep me in the loop and let me know if we find one that works and our bye week is coming up.”
“Already? That was fast.”
“And my parents volunteered to take Kiran for that weekend so we can have date night. Something that we haven't had in a while and we need to change that. Spending time with just us. He's three months old and it seems like it's more than that with everything that has happened.”
“I agree, this has been the longest three months ever.”
“I'm planning it and all I need for you to do is show up.” He said as he looked down at your hand and grabbed it.
“I should have known something was wrong when you stopped getting your nails done. I'll set you up an appointment this weekend for that and a massage so I can start to get you feeling better and feeling like yourself. This doesn't scratch the surface of me trying to make this up to you, but I hope it's an okay start. We're going to get through this one step at a time.”
Slowly nodding your head, you then laid it on his shoulder as he asked another question.
“Do you think it would help if you talked to someone, like a therapist? That specializes in this type of thing? I know you have your regular one, but…”
“I think that it would probably be a good idea.”
“We'll look into it tomorrow and when's the last time you actually talked to your therapist?”
“Hmm, probably late June.”
“Yeah, we need to get you back on track. It shouldn't have taken this long for me to notice that something was wrong with my wife.”
“Well I did my best to hide it from you so that was partially my fault.”
“I still should have figured it out. I know you like the back of my hand and can tell when something is off with you.”
“But, it's all out in the open now and all we can do is deal with it and move forward. I've been so tired because Kiran doesn't like to be away from you. I thought that I was going to bang my head against the wall the week that you did go to training camp. He wanted you and no one else and that upset me even more like I can't even comfort my baby. And that is why whenever you come through the door and get back from wherever you were, I try to give him to you. He likes having both of us here. When it's both, he's fine.”
“I wish you would have said something about it. Now I feel even worse than I already did.”
“You wanted me to tell you everything and I am….”
“I do. I want you to be honest and get everything out in the open. Do not hide anything from me from this point forward.” Joe told you as you gave him a nod.
“Promise.”
“So, we're okay now?” He asked and you gave him a small smile in return.
“Yes. I missed my husband.” You told him as you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him.
“It never should be a thing. You should never miss me if I'm in the same room as you and I'm going to do my best to change that.” He replied as he leaned down to give you several kisses in return.
“I love you so much and this is never going to happen again.”
Joe had stuck to his word about everything that he said that he was going to do for you. It took some time, but soon you were feeling like yourself again which you were grateful for.
You had been seeing your regular therapist as well as the therapist you got specifically to help you through the postpartum process. Before you knew it, Kiran was close to seven months old and it dawned on you that your maternity leave was slowly dwindling down and it made you have an uneasy feeling.
When he was only four days old, you were in a rush to get back to work but now that it is actually time to go back, the last thing you wanted to do was leave Kiran and put him in daycare because that is what would have to happen.
You swore off from the beginning of being a stay at home mother, but now that role was looking more appealing by the day.
As it weighed heavily on you as you were in the kitchen attempting to cook dinner, you began to cry uncontrollably and turned the stove off to sit down at the island.
You sadly wiped away your tears and didn't notice Joe enter the kitchen and come up behind you. He wasted no time in coming over to you to figure out what had you upset.
“Baby? What's going on? What's got you upset?” He asked as he sat next to you and took your hand in his.
“It's nothing, I'm probably overreacting anyway. It's fine.” You said as you kept wiping your eyes.
“No, we're not doing that. You're crying so that means that you're upset so it isn't nothing. Tell me what it is.”
“I have to go back to work soon. Like in the next two weeks.”
“I thought you were excited to go back?” Joe asked but you instantly shook your head.
“I thought that was what I wanted, but I don't want to leave him. I'll easily be calling them every five minutes to check on him. And knowing me, I'll be at work for a good thirty minutes before leaving to get him. I just….”
Joe took in what you were saying and nodded meaning that he understood but for him there was an easy solution and he would fully support it if you decided to do this.
“Well, how about you stay home with him? Do virtual visits and work from here as much as your job would allow you to until he is old enough to go to school. That way you get to stay home with him, but also work. Because I know you and know that eventually you will want to work while being home with him. You'll get restless. Does that sound like it would be a good fit?” He asked and you sat there thinking about it for a minute.
“And if you want, on my off days, you can go into the office and I'll be home with him during the season.” He offered and you nodded your head.
“So stop the tears and stop stressing. Everything is going to work out how it's supposed to, okay?” Joe comforted you as he wiped away the tears that had fallen and leaned over to kiss you.
“You believe me, right?” He asked and you slowly nodded.
“I believe you. I just want to do what's best for him.”
“You've been doing that since he came out of the womb and I know you'll continue to do it.”
“Thank you for being so patient with me while I navigated getting back to my normal self, or at least trying to.”
“You don't have to thank me, it's what I'm supposed to do.”
“But I'm doing it anyway so just say ‘you're welcome'.”
“You’re welcome, Mrs. Burrow. I told you that we would get through this one step at a time.” He replied as he pinched your cheek making you smile.
