Dear John,
I’ve been having a hard time coping with work lately. I burned myself out trying to prove I was worth more and now I don’t have anything to show for it—except I suppose bitterness. The realization it’s a dead end I think is hitting me harder than I thought and only because I feel like I take on so much because people just want me to do certain things so it’s right and I just think if you need me to do all these things just because why am I not reaping the benefits of being in high demand? With all that it feels like I shouldn’t be on a dead street. Yet here I am. I can’t help but take it personal. I’m trying not to. I know there are other factors too but at the end of the day, if they felt that way about me, they would make it happen. What makes it worse is that when I look for jobs there isn’t anything that checks any boxes for me. Also I have to redo my resume and given I’m not awash in the glow of mental heath it’s hard to think of ways to sell myself. Obviously I’m not great. I burned myself out for nothing and now can’t get motivated to do anything. Then when I do get motivated it’s like everything I do requires me to think for myself plus everyone I’m interacting with. No one else can function. It’s exhausting. Then I try to focus on something else—but it’s not working. I feel cornered and hopeless. And I wonder how other people deal with it. If they deal with it — or if it’s just me. But I don’t have anyone to talk to. It’s like I just end up cannibalizing my own thoughts until they turn sour. I actually spent a solid portion of one morning crying. I never cry. To the point I thought I couldn’t anymore. Maybe that’s part of the reason I started writing. The thought of you is comforting. You’re whatever I want you to be. I could imagine what you would say. But part of the problem is I need an outside perspective. I can’t say one good thing about myself. I need to hear something. I want someone who knows me so well to say everything they love about me. But there’s nothing. I’m measuring myself by achievements. And I have nothing. I want something to show for something. Logically I know I shouldn’t - and normally I don’t - but after all the time I’ve spent working there - I’ve only achieved the bare minimum and I feel like I’ve given more than that. So is my best not good enough? Or do they not notice? Do they not care? I’m not sure- but I know what I tell myself. It’s me. I’m not good enough. It’s my fault. Everything bad is stable and internal. Everything else is temporary and external. I want that to stop. I don’t want to feel like that anymore - and I suppose I hope you’d take that away. Or at least curb it a little. But that’s not fair either. That shouldn’t be anyone else’s responsibility. How desperately I want someone to tell me something good is proof I don’t deserve that. I’ll try to be better. Love, Jane