Jun 11
Sailor themed ted art
seen from Macao SAR China
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Sailor themed ted art
Choir: ♪ Holy infant So tender and mild ♪
John: Wait, who describes an infant as mild?
Ted: Yeah, I'm more hung up on tender.
John: Yeah, somebody's eating this baby.
Priest: It's important that we remember just why we celebrate Christmas. We observe the holiest of all days to rejoice in the glory of the birth of Jesus Christ, born not from the seed of man but from divine origin. Never before or since have we, God's children, been blessed by such a miracle.
Ted: Excuse me. Yeah, over here. Hi. Ted, local bear. You're talking about a guy who came alive out of nowhere, right?
Priest: Yes.
Ted: Yeah, me.
Priest: I'm sorry?
Ted: I'm just saying, he's not the only one.
Priest: I don't think that's the same thing.
Ted: Well, you said, never before or since. But… You know, this guy.
Priest: The birth of Christ was a heavenly miracle.
Ted: I mean, what do you call this? I mean, I don't see any Pound Puppies or Monchhichis walking around.
Priest: Christ's birth was clearly ordained by God, marked by the star of Bethlehem, a miraculous beacon from the heavens.
John: There was a star there. Ted: There was a star, right?
John: Yeah, no, it was a shooting star.
Ted: I had a star. John: Yeah.
Priest: Jesus had a divine purpose. God sent him to us to spread the word that He loves us.
Ted (recorded voice): "I love you."
Ted: Your move, Friar Tuck.
Priest: I just want to finish the sermon.
Ted: I'm just saying, I might be Jesus. Might. I'm not saying for sure. I'm just saying it's a possibility. I might be Jesus.
Priest: That is incredibly disrespectful.
Ted: Says the guy eating babies.
-
John: OK, we can't read this whole thing.
Ted: Well, if we're gonna figure out if I'm actually Jesus, we at least got to skim it.
John: I have never seen pages so thin.
Ted: I know. It's like Kleenex with boring stories on it.
John: You know, I was thinking. How do we know that Dennis isn't Jesus?
Ted: Johnny, Jesus walked on water, all right? Walked! That means he had feet, not wheels.
John: Yeah, that makes sense.
Ted: Oh, wait, hang on. Stop right there. Look, look, look. Matthew 21:31, "Truly I say to you, the tax collectors and prostitutes go into the kingdom of heaven before you." Look at that. Jesus hangs out with hookers.
John: Yeah, and he says there's hookers in heaven too. He sounds a lot like you.
Ted: Oh, yeah, heaven is probably mostly hookers.
John: Wait, so you're paying for sex in heaven?
Ted: You're not paying them for sex. You're paying them to fly away.
John: Oh. Let's see. "And behold, I come quickly, and my reward is with me to give"…
Ted: What was that first part?
John: "Behold, I come quickly."
Ted: Jesus said that?
John: Yeah.
Ted: Yeah, that's not the kind of thing I'd start with "behold." What else? Well, look, look, look. Right there. Right there. John the apostle. Jesus had an apostle named John.
John: Holy shit. Those were, like, his buddies, right?
Ted: Yeah, yeah, there was Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Johnny, Blitzen, and Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. There's no doubt anymore. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ.
Ted: Holy shit. Does this mean you have, like, powers and stuff?
Ted: Yeah, but I probably got to learn how to use them. Flip to the spells.
John: OK, spells, spells, spells. Ted: Spells, spells, spells.
Ted: Wonder what my alignment is.
John: Chaotic good.
Ted: Ah, yeah, yeah. Good, but, like, you know, I might fuck around a little bit.
John: Yeah.
Ted: Shit, we supposed to have dice?
-
Ted: OK, what do you say we try one of them spells, huh? Water into wine, here we go. "Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho. Meka leka hi, meka chiney ho." All right, try it.
John: Still water.
Ted: Fuck! Oh, you know what? It's 'cause we don't have the wand.
-
Blaire: Shit. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to share a house with somebody who treats me like I have some fucking disease Guess there's no chance he's gonna apologize.
Ted: You know, if I can offer a bit of Christly wisdom, Blaire? You're smarter than he is, so you might have to go talk to him.
Blaire: Oh, fuck that. I am not extending an olive branch to somebody who's against basic equality.
John: Well, that's the thing, Blaire. I don't think he's really even against anything. Think he just didn't want to look stupid in front of his truck.
Blaire: Listen to yourself!
John: OK, then don't do it for Dad. Do it for Mom. Look, she's really bummed out right now, and it's all just 'cause Christmas is messed up. Look, I know it's gonna suck, but…
Ted: But it's like I say in the Book of Romulans: turn the other cheek. Do unto others. Say it, don't spray it. I'll have what she's having.
Blaire: You're an idiot.
Ted: Oh, what do we say to that, Apostle?
John: Four hell points.
Ted: Four hell points.
Blaire: What the fuck is a hell point?
Ted: It's how I determine which of my children, who I love, will be tortured forever.
Blaire: Oh, God. Ugh, all right, all right, I'll… I'll talk to him.
-
Ted: Well, I Jesus-ed the shit out of that one.
Blaire: You? You didn't do anything.
Ted: Eh, I worked in mysterious ways.
Sarah: How?
Ted: Where there was only one set of footprints, that's where I carried you.
Blaire: You watched 18 hours of TV yesterday. You barely moved.
Ted: When it most appears I'm not Jesus, that's when you need faith.
Sarah: Ted, you do know what happened to Jesus, right?
Ted: Yeah, he gave back the Gobstopper, and they gave him the chocolate factory. I mean, I think that's what happened. I'm reading, like, two books at once.
Sarah: They nailed him to the cross and crucified him for our sins.
Ted: Wait, what?
Susan: It was so nice of him to let them do that for us, wasn't it?
Ted: They killed him?
Sarah: Yeah.
Ted: Oh, shit. Yeah, fuck that. I'm out. Wait, maybe I'm Buddha. Buddha was lazy, right?
JUST FOUND SOME OLDER CANNABISPHYSICS ART YAYYYY
Shameless Moments: Like Father, Like Son.
Shameless UK Moments: Pacifist (06x13).
Maybe i'm the only one who doesn't like Liam from Shameless Us
i mean , he is cute and sweet, but im always preffer Johnny Bennett from the uk versión :_____; <3
Johnny who? Johnny Bennett, that's who... read on to find out more about this talented singer...
Liam Gallagher