Haven't written in a while and i stg some of you aren't prepared for the fuckin danganronpa x ben shapiro yaoi among us AU fanfic i'm writing this shits gonna be fuckin nuclear
Summary: Ingo and Emmet have always been together. A pair of twins. A set of brothers. Sure, they've had their time apart from each other - it's not like they're conjoined at the hip! But they've always known where the other is, and if distance was a problem- well, isn't that what modern technology is for?
They were always meant to be a two-car train. Never to be uncoupled until the two of them were both good and ready to let go. And even as age tries to drag them down as the years go by, they simply keep each other up and about. Youth is impossible to let go of when they have each other. How could they possibly be 55 now when they still feel like they're still 27? (Do NOT bring up the backache complaints.)
...But of course. Fate always had a funny relationship with twins. And not every joke lands in their favor.
Word Count: 1971
Bonus Tags: Pre-PLA, Ingo's Disappearance, Ingo and Emmet Are Old, Crack...?, Angst, Birthdays, Jokefic
A/N: Everyone kept making Grandpa Ingo jokes in PLA so I said let's make that canon. They're in their fifties here, but age has never really stopped anyone before! ESPECIALLY in Pokemon. Anyway, this fic was spawned from me giggling over thinking, “But wouldn’t it be funny if he IS old in PLA, but not because he’s been there for years. He’s just always been old. And now he’s rock-climbing freehand with a Sneazler and getting jacked as hell”. Infinitely more funnier. This does not get touched upon in this fic tho. Another funny joke does instead :3c
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Trainers, for lack of a better reason, never seem to know when to retire. Likewise, both Ingo and Emmet find themselves in a predicament many veterans and older Leaders tend to find themselves in. The pair of twins walk down the empty subway passageway, the area clear of lingering trainers as they officially close for the night. With the remaining minutes of their birthday ticking away aimlessly, they find themselves in no rush to get home. Another eventful year together. Another moment spent together. They’ve learned that the time they’ve spent together is one rarely experienced by others, and by now, yearly celebrations of their birth seem small in comparison to the time they’ve spent battling together on the subway.
That being said, Ingo won the coin flip so now they’re having chocolate cake once they get home. Emmet can suck up his loss later; they still have to get candles as per tradition. Chandelure loves lighting the fire hazards, and both Ingo and Emmet agreed that they’d get five candles each to satisfy the fire/ghost-type. An easy silence stretches between them like a relaxing Purrloin as their footsteps echo in tandem with each other. However, the silence between the two can only last so long until Ingo breaks it with his booming voice. He never really learned how to control his volume after all these years.
"Emmet," Ingo begins, removing his hat to run his fingers through his thinning hair, "this two-car train has been running for quite some time, wouldn't you say?"
"That's true. Yup!" Emmet continues their march forward, the Battle Subway already having reached its last stop half an hour ago. "About 34 years now. Almost 35."
"Do you ever think about retiring from being a Subway Boss?"
"Nope. Never." He swings his arms as he walks, still so full of energy despite his age. "A train must always run as scheduled! No delays. No interruptions. Time hasn't put locomotives out of commission yet! We still have much to do. More battles to conduct."
Ingo chuckles as he matches his brother's step. "Indeed, you're very correct, Emmet! We can only improve, both in battle and innovations. Speaking of which - remind me to look over the schematics for renovations. I believe some of our cars are due for maintenance soon."
"Of course. First thing in the morning - maintenance and future plans!” Emmet pauses in his thoughts at his own words. He wonders briefly if Ingo too has his own future plans, given the question he posed earlier. “Actually - why did you bring retirement up?" He looks over to his twin curiously. "Are you thinking about putting the brakes on this train?"
"Not in the slightest." He shakes his head and walks ahead of his brother, the exit to the subway just in sight. "But I figured I'd check in with you just to be sure. In case you do want to retire eventually. I wouldn't want to push you past your limits if you're more than ready to lay this old carriage to rest. No need for unnecessary wear and tear."
"Verrrry unlikely." They come to a stop just before the corner leading to the stairs out the subway, Ingo turning around to face his brother as Emmet taps his chin mischievously. "But did you bring this up because of our birthday? I didn't realize 55 was that old. Or should I start calling you an old geezer now?"
"Ha ha, you're the same age as me." Ingo snorts as Emmet sticks his tongue out like a child. "I wasn't the one complaining about a bad back earlier."
"Hey! You carry around Galvantula. Tell me how your back feels then."
"Apologies, I can't hear you over the sound of my floating ghost-type pokémon."
"Don't you mean your loud as hell voice?"
"Rude." Despite his small admonishment, Ingo still laughs. "I see I won't have to worry about taking you along for another ride then."
"Really! As if I'd let you ride alone." Emmet pokes his brother's chest as Ingo backs away playfully. "Don't forget! I am Emmet. You are Ingo. We're a two-car train. Always a pair. Always together. Where one goes, the other follows. If you start forgetting, remember to take your omega 3 pills! Health checks are important safety checks."
"You know as well as I do that those pills hardly do anything for improving health."
"I know! Pretty fucked up they keep trying to sell it to us 'cause we're old. We may be old, but our wheels aren't rusty. Nope!"
"Agreed. Although I would say I'm the much younger twin, right, Emmet?" Ingo spins about and walks forward as Emmet trails behind him with a laugh.
"Oh, so now you're the younger twin? Really? After how many years? I see. Your final stop is… straight to hell!" he responds playfully as Ingo laughs loudly. The younger twin notices a stray flyer littering the ground right as his brother is about to step on it, but before he can warn his twin, Ingo speaks up again.
"I simply cannot, there is no terminal called Hell in my- ah." Right on cue, Ingo's boot steps down and slips on the flimsy flyer. He loses his balance and quickly begins to topple over with a noise of surprise.
Emmet laughs as he rushes forward to grab the back of his twin's coat-
Except.
For some reason, Ingo's coat slips through his fingers as the amusement falls from Emmet's voice. A force of wind presses against his back as it pushes him forward. His boots skid against the tile of the subway, and with widening eyes he watches as the ground in front of Ingo... disappears.
The shock melts into horror as Ingo yells, arms windmilling by his side as he tries desperately to fight against gravity and the pull of whatever this thing is (shining void-like spinning swirling bright dark white black wormhole portal unnatural dangerous bad bad bad!) gaping wide at his feet. "Emmet-!"
"Ingo!" He reaches out for his brother yet again, risking getting pulled in as he runs forward to catch him. "Ingo, I'm-!" Just as he's about to wrap his arms around his brother, a burst of energy flashes in their eyes as they both shriek. Still, Emmet hugs the air in front of him tightly even as the light engulfs his brother. Still, Emmet cries out for his twin even as the answering soft pop is the only sound left in the subway.
…Still. Just like that, everything becomes still. A soft rustle of the wind is all that’s left as a clatter of pokéballs falls to the ground.
Ingo's pokéballs.
He falls to his knees, chest heaving as his arms hug himself. The subway is quiet now. Lights flicker harmlessly from the aftermath. There’s no one else here. No one else but Emmet. Just Emmet. Cold realization builds from his chest and slowly spreads, and spreads, and spreads , freezing him, chilling him to his core as his breath catches and stutters and breaks. Never in all the fifty five years he has been alive has he ever prepared for this kind of separation.
Never. At least, not yet. Not this soon. He had at least another ten or so years left with Ingo to even consider the oncoming waltz with death. They still had things to do. Places to visit. Pokémon to see. His chest seizes with the realization that they just turned fifty five. Today, they are fifty five.
…They? No, they. Right? Today. Today, they are. Right?
…But how can they be a they if there is only him? No Ingo, just Emmet. The truth pulls a pained whine from him as he stares at the tiles his brother once stood on.
(he wasn’t ready he wasn’t ready he wasn’t ready he wasn’t ready he needed needed needed more time more time more TIME-)
Today. Today he is. He is-
Just Emmet.
"Ingo...?" His soft voice isn't loud enough to echo in the empty halls. Still, he tries again as he calls for his twin. "Ingo...!" As if to reward his efforts, the empty subway station just barely echoes back his cry. The lacking response only works in swallowing him whole. His breathing quickens as he looks around wildly. Emmet has never needed to be loud enough to echo because Ingo would always answer loud enough for the both of them. Ingo was is Emmet's echo.
And now his echo has been silenced.
Desperately, his hands scrabble at the spot his brother stood just seconds ago. He scratches and claws and tries to peel back the tile, the ground, the earth as tears fill up his vision. Panic and despair rises up in his throat like bile as a broken sob breaks through.
"Ingo!" But the ground doesn't break. Emmet slams his fists against the ground, pounding at it as if it’ll open back up and return his brother to him. "Ingo!! INGO!!" He pounds and pounds and pounds .
But the gods don't answer back.
And the wind refuses to carry his cries to them.
*🔺*⚡*🔻*
A phone chimes in her pocket and Elesa takes it out, a smile on her face as she reads the familiar contact name. Without missing a beat, she opens up the texting app and quickly scrolls through her previous conversation with the twins to get to the new messages.
[Contact: He is Emmet]
He is Emmet: I AM EMMET. I TOLD INGO IT WAS OKAY TO HAVE MY PUDDING. EVERYTHING IS FINE!
Me: Okay Ingo honey give Emmet back his phone
He is Emmet: AH, YOU'VE ALWAYS MANAGED TO TELL US APART. BRAVO! I THOUGHT I DID WELL WITH MY IMPERSONATION THIS TIME.
Me: Years of experience
Me: Plus I'd sawk at being ur besties if I couldn't tell the difference :)
He is Emmet: HAHA! BY THE WAY, EMMET SAYS HE'S BLOCKING YOUR NUMBER FOR THAT JOKE.
Me: :(
[Today 9:57 PM]
He is Emmet: Elesa red alert red alert
Me: Uh oh what's wrong now
Me: Did Ingo eat ur share of the cake again
He is Emmet: no this is worse this is bad
Me: Did u trick Ingo into using Chandelure as a coat rack again?
He is Emmet: the gods took him
Me: I told u not to mess with his ba
Me: What
He is Emmet: the Gods took him
Me: Emmet is this another joke?
He is Emmet: no!!
He is Emmet: listen
He is Emmet: we were talking right haha funny old jokes funny retirement jokes
He is Emmet: and then Ingo said hes younger than me and i said go to hell lmao and he said lol no
He is Emmet: but then the ground Fucking Opened Up
He is Emmet: and the Gods took him
He is Emmet: took him!! in front of Me!!
He is Emmet: Elesa I think Giratina or Arceus or some fucking God took Ingo
He is Emmet: and they took him STRAIGHT to HELL
He is Emmet: i mean he steals my food
He is Emmet: and he likes dark clothes
He is Emmet: but he doesn't deserve hell just cause he looks the part and commits crimes against me!!
He is Emmet: now people are gonna think Ingo fucking CROAKED cause we're old but we're not even that old!!
Me: What are you trying to tell me
He is Emmet: hes gone Elesa
He is Emmet: hes missing
He is Emmet: I watched him disappear and I tried looking around but he's gone hes missing hes gone
Me: Please tell me ur joking Emmet
Me: Like I really want u to tell me right now that ur joking
He is Emmet: I'm not joking Elesa I'm not I need help this is a red alert SOS help me please
He is Emmet: I can't I can't i cant hes gone he was right here Elesa he was right here I almost had him he was right here help help help
Me: Okay, hang on okay? I'm leaving right now, I'm on the way
Me: We'll look at the cams and figure this out
Me: Ingo is hardy, whatever just happened I'm sure he'll survive
Caring Lover!Yog Sothoth x Blushy Schoolgirl!Lavinia - By Anon
Yes, we’ve got another weird HPL mythos fic. Have some soft Vinny and Yog for all your Vinny/Yog Needs.
I reformatted the dialogue a bit.
Lavinia sighed like a sad anime schoolgirl. "When will my beloved husband be summoned so we can finally go on a romantic date like I've dreamed of for like 50 years?" She mourned, her eyes glistening with tears. She had been pining for sexy orbeez dilf for her entire life! It just wasn't fair that he'd only given her one night of passion before leaving her to raise two annoying twins! At least he paid child support though, unlike that bitch Nyarlathotep.
Then all of a sudden Lavinia heard a weird reverberating voice!
"Did you miss me, baby?" Lavinia turned around and gasped. She couldn't believe it! It was her sexy orbeez husband right behind her.
"YOGGY!" Lavinia leaped into his arms- er, tentacles I guess and cried with joy.
"I can't believe my bratty children were finally able to summon you after all!"
"I traveled through space and time just to see you, my love. Did you really think I'd leave you alone?" Yog whispered, making Lavinia blush.
"Oh, Yoggy..." Lavinia blushed harder. "D-do you really mean that?" Yog kissed her tenderly under the moonlight with one of his 100 weird mouths.
"Of course I do, baby. Now let's go on that date I promised 15 years ago." The two of them watched a movie, had dinner, took a walk in the park, and took cutesy pictures in a photo booth, all while the world around them was being destroyed, but they didn't care because they were SOOO in love. Aurora Borealis or whatever was playing in the background.
"Oh, Yoggy, this has been the best day of my extremely depressing life!" Lavinia sighed dreamily. Her and her orbeez man were eating ice cream cones at the top of Sentinel Hill watching everyone else be murdered and eaten and tortured.
"I think so too." Yog whispered tenderly as he picked Lavinia up bridal-style with his tentacles. "Now let's go make more bratty goat children, baby." He suggested. Lavinia giggled like an anime girl, eager to finally get some once again after like 15 years.
Yog and Lavinia went to the barn and made sweet tender love for 402 hours.
"EWW ma!!" Wilbur said.
"We can hear you you know!" Lavinia blushed in embarrassment but then Yog took her hand.
"Let's get married for real, baby." Lavinia gasped.
"But wouldn't your goat wife be jealous?"
"No, Shub is getting married to Yhoundeth now, her husband ran off with a feral old lady like I'm about to. Nyar-Nyar has good taste." Yog winked at Lavinia but she couldn't tell it was a wink since he has 100 eyes.
"Lavinia, what I'm trying to say is... I'm in love with you! I don't care if our love is forbidden, from the moment I saw you running around naked on the hills I knew you were the feral monsterfucker for me! Please, make me the happiest outer God in the galaxy and marry me!" Yog pulled out a ring that was a color unknown to humankind. Lavinia gasped
"B-but wouldn't you like me better if I was a sexy redhead?"
"No, baby. I love you the way you are, you feral albino babe!" Yog replied passionately.
"Oh, Yoggy! Of COURSE I'll marry you! I've been dreaming of this moment my entire LIFE! You've made me the happiest monsterfucker in the world!" Lavinia cried, and her an her orbeez fiance made out for 4.2 hours. They had a romantic marriage on Sentinel Hill, Wilbur was the reluctant ring bearer and his twin was the flower girl. Cthulhu was the best man but he kept talking shit about the bride and kink shaming Yog for marrying a human. Yog didn't care what anyone thought because he was SO in love!
Yog and Lavinia went on a honeymoon in the place beyond space and time and made sweet love for 402 hours and Lavinia bore many more bratty goat children. All of the eldritch gods talked shit about Yog and his new wife but neither of them cared. They both loved each other far too much to care about what anyone, human or god, thought. Neither of them even cared that the world had been destroyed, they just wanted to be with each other. They cuddled and made sweet love for all of eternity. The end.
AN: this is probably the most shitpost type of thing I’ve ever written. Reader is a female, also before this Michael and reader were making out and they stripped down to their undies.
As Michael lowers you onto the bed, encasing you in his warmth on the cold sheets. He begins to kiss down your body enjoying every little moan and whimper you make, saving them for later when you were too far away. He takes your underwear off and starts to kiss and lick at your already wet entrance, he then puts two fingers in his mouth making sure they’re lubed up with saliva. He looks to you for confirmation and you nod enthusiastically, with that he inserts one finger after the other working up a pace and growing more aroused by you moaning for him “m-michaeeeelll” and with that whine he starts to pull off his boxers, enjoying the sweet relief of not having his throbbing member restricted by them. He then proceeds to throw them somewhere amoungst your clothes pile. He continues to work his fingers into you until you whine “michaeeelll I want you inside meee noowww” he complies, adjusting himself on the bed to inbetween your shaking thighs. He teases your entrance with his pulsating cock enjoying your whining, and with one massive thrust he enters you screaming “MICHAEL MAKES AN ENTRAAAANCEE”
Thank you v much for reading this piece of garbage I hope you enjoyed it
@robot-anon I think this might make you giggle a lil
So I spent like 3 hours terribly rewriting Curious Village from memory into a crackfic, only to find I wasn't sure how to upload all of it best into Tumblr. So instead have ten of my favorite parts, at least until I can figure out how to properly transfer it here in all of its weird glory.
Whenever I read a Sentinel Prime x reader in the TFA verse.
Sentinel was both flustered and disgusted with himself, how could one damn organic be so irritating, Disgusting and.., why can't he get that damn fleshy femme out of his processor? unless no,no!no!no!
●●◆●●●●●●●●●●● a few moments later... ●●●◆◆●●●●●●●●●
Optimus was lazily sitting on the bases couch watching the Red Green show. when a weird noise cut through the volume, "ººººººº°°°°°°°°°°¤¤¤¤ooooooooo" he paused his show looked around and listened It, sounded almost like... "ooooooooooooOOOOOPTIMUS!?" The doors suddenly burst open and he was tackled off the couch"What the-Sentinel?! what the pit?" He was shocked to find the organic hating prime hugging him.
"I can't take it anymore! I have tell someone!" "Uh, about?" "That Femme! the older sibling to that tiny organic!" "dah... (y/n)?" the earth bound prime blinked.
"I hate her."
Optimus smacks him
"I lover her!
*smack*
I Hate her!
*smack*
I love her!
*smack*
I hate her and love her!?"
Bursts into ugly sobbing hugging Optimus's waist as the younger prime awkwardly patted his head. Just as Ratchet walked in froze at the scene, Optimus saw him "uh, this isn't what you think." the medic just backed out of the room.
TW: This is a self-insert one-shot, in which you are the short-time datefriend of Jared (AND ALSO A HUGE FUCKIGN JOKE WITH JOKE TAGS)
“CRONCH. CRONCH” you heard from the bathroom. It is a Friday night, the first time you have slept over at Jared’s house, having only been dating 3 weeks and his parents are finally out of town for the weekend. It was an unusual and mysterious sound emitting from behind the bathroom door, not unlike the noise of a beloved pet chowing on some kibble. You were curious. Very curious. Jared has been in the bathroom for 20 minutes now….what could he be doing?
You decide to get up and walk over to the bathroom, knocking on the door. There is no response, only cronching. You knock again. Cronch. The cronches are getting faster, more desperate, more nervous with every second passing. You try to open the door, it’s locked. The cronches get louder and louder, faster and faster. You pull on the door knob, knocking and talking “Jared?” No response. More cronching. “Jared?!” You knock the door down with your big buff self. Jared is into strong people because he’s a total bottom.
What unfolds in front of you is traumatizing. Jared, on the floor and eating….”BATHBOMBS?” you exclaim “What the everloving fuck?” Jared looks nervous, his face red and sweaty “Y/N…” he sighs “I can explain….” His clothes were covered in the dust of various bathbombs, he’s been binging or he’s been doing it a while….no one knows.
“Spit it out then!” you exclaim
“I…I eat bathbombs…..” he stutters
“WHY”
“Because…..They taste good...” his face was growing redder with every second
“Goddamn Jared. I can’t deal. I need a minute” You walk off, sitting on the couch while Jared changes.
He walks back in a few minutes later, wearing new clothes. He wraps his arms around you and kisses your forehead “I’m sorry” he says softly. “We…we can work through this. I have a problem, I know. I’ve been trying to quit.”
You look up at him, smiling slowly and ruffling his hair “Yeah…Yeah we can”
