summary — tensions are high in yours and spencer's apartment as you argue again and he finds comfort in the team, more specifically someone on the team you've voiced your insecurities about to him before.
genre — a lotttt of angst ( i’m sorry )
cw — reader is insecure, jj is kind of not great in this ( love her tho ) , arguments , reader gets hearing aids , spencer is drinking and gets a little tipsy , spencer talks about prison + mexico very briefly, reader is kinda mean to spencer, they’re lowkey toxic in this oops, implied intimacy
previous part — next part
Spencer wasn’t exactly sure how he ended up in a bar.
That’s a lie. He knows exactly how.
You’d finally got your hearing aids fitted earlier in the week. After your semi-breakdown in the bathroom, things had slowly gotten better between you and Spencer. Not great, but better. You’d started to use sign language more and had even met up for coffee with Tara once.
It finally felt like you’d started to get used to your new reality.
Until you got your hearing aids.
They were uncomfortable, itchy and you hated them. Hearing Spencer’s voice for the first time in weeks made it better, but only for a moment. Then the happiness of it all wore off and you were left falling back into the depression you were in before.
This particular argument broke out between the two of you after Spencer got home from work.
He’d been cleared to work and the mandatory six weeks the team were ordered to have off came to an end. You’d had a meeting with Emily earlier that day, to which she decided you weren’t in a good mental state to return to work.
“Hey, baby,” Spencer greeted you, hanging his suit jacket up. “How was your meeting?”
When you didn’t reply, Spencer looked to you. Your back was to him in the kitchen. When Spencer looked down at the kitchen island, he couldn’t hide his annoyance.
He stomped over to you, making sure to walk with power to let you know he was there. You turned to face him and smiled.
Spencer ignored your sign and picked up your discarded hearing aids off the kitchen side.
Why aren’t you wearing them?
You sighed. This had been an ongoing topic that was causing issues for you two. You hated the hearing aids, whilst Spencer begged for you to wear them.
They’re itchy. I hate them.
Spencer gave them to you and waited for you to put them in like a mother waiting to scold their child. Reluctantly, you placed them on, trying to ignore the uncomfortable feeling crawling through your ears.
“Happy?” You sighed, turning back to make your tea.
Spencer ran a hand through his hair. “No. Dr. Enid said you need to be wearing them all the time to get used to them. She said they’ll feel—”
“I get it, Spencer, jeez.”
He frowned. “Why are you angry at me?”
“I’m not,” You deflected, turning to face him. “You’re the one being angry.”
“Because you aren’t listening to me!” Spencer exclaimed, flailing his hands around. “We’ve had this conversation so many times and you won’t just keep them in.”
“For God’s sakes, Spencer. You aren’t my doctor, so please stop acting like you are!” You argued.
He scoffed. “Sorry that I love you and I want you to get better. These,” He gestured to your ears, “will help you get better. You have the opportunity to hear again, to go back to work, to live again. I don’t understand why you aren’t trying to take it?”
You couldn’t hide the subtle furrow your brows did when he mentioned work.
Of course, Spencer noticed. “Did Emily say something in your meeting today?”
“I can’t go back to work,” You mumbled, looking away from him. Spencer tilted your face back to him with his fingertips.
You chewed your lip. “She said that I’m not in a good place . . . mentally. And I have to wear the hearing aids if I want to go back.”
“Okay,” Spencer sighed, “So, we find you a good therapist to talk to and—”
Spencer shook his head. “What do you mean, no?”
“I’m not seeing a therapist. I’m fine!” You exclaimed.
“You went through something extremely traumatic, there’s no shame in talking to someone,” He explained, “And if you want to go back to the team then you’ll have to at least try.”
“Spencer, just because the bureau made you talk to someone because they were worried you were going to freak out on everyone mid-case doesn’t mean I will. I’m not you, I didn’t go to prison.”
Spencer felt his face drop. The two of you hadn’t spoke too much in detail about his time in prison yet. However, for you to throw it in his face was low.
You didn’t know why you were taking your anger out on Spencer. Truthfully, you were angry at everyone but him. He’d been nothing but patient throughout this whole situation and because you didn’t know how to express how you’re actually feeling, you’re taking it out on him.
You decided to fill the silence. “I, uh—I didn’t mean—”
“You did. That’s why you said it,” Spencer spoke calmly. He turned to grab his suit jacket.
“W-Where are you going?” You asked him, suddenly feeling small.
“I’m going to go out for a while. Maybe once I’ve come back we can talk like two people who love each other and want to be with one another,” He said, making his way for the door.
The door slammed in your face.
Spencer somehow ended up in a bar down the street. He hadn’t drank alcohol since before his arrest in Mexico, but right now, he was desperate to have a release.
After a while, he didn’t want to drink alone anymore.
“Hey, you free to grab a drink?” He asked on the phone. “Great, see you in 10.”
He ordered another drink as he waited for her to arrive. Soon after he called, she walked in the bar.
“Hey, Spence,” JJ greeted him. “What’s the occasion?”
JJ sat on the barstool next to him and ordered a drink.
“Uh, just needed a break,” Spencer laughed. “That sounds wrong. I just meant I needed, uh, I—”
“I know what you mean,” JJ cut him off. “Things aren’t going well at home?”
Spencer sighed. “It just feels like we’re going backwards. Everything’s an argument between us and I don’t know what to do anymore.”
JJ sat for a moment. When Spencer called, she had just been leaving the office thanks to the extra paperwork she had to do. Truthfully, she was desperate to be home, but when Spencer suggested a drink . . . she was worried.
Spencer hadn’t ever been a huge drinker, especially after his kidnapping eleven years ago. JJ knew something serious had to be happening to make him go and seek out alcohol.
“Maybe you guys need some time apart,” She suggested.
You and JJ were friends since you joined the team and she ( along with Penelope ) were the most persistent of the team to be with you after Spencer’s arrest. However, she’d known Spencer longer and after all, her loyalties lied with him.
He couldn’t believe what he was saying. Time apart was the last thing he wanted.
“Does she still have the apartment she was leasing whilst you were in prison?” JJ asked, sipping on her drink.
“I’m not sure,” Spencer sighed, “We haven’t really talked about that time yet.”
JJ couldn’t hide her shock. “You haven’t talked about anything? Not Mexico, not prison, not Ca—”
Spencer turned to face her. JJ sighed.
“She does know it was Cat that set you up, right?”
“Well, the, uh—the opportunity just never came up,” He stuttered.
“Oh, Spence. You have to talk to someone about it all,” JJ told him, “Plus, she deserves to know too.”
Spencer ran a hand through his tousled hair. “It’s just with everything that’s happened, I don’t want to be a burden. She’s struggling to accept the fact she has to wear the hearing aids if she wants to go back to work.”
“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to her about your issues as well, Spence. Relationships go both ways,” JJ reminded him.
“I know, I know,” He sighed, “It’s not her fault, but seeing her lose her hearing kind of made me feel like my problems aren’t that bad.”
“Spencer, you went to prison for something you didn’t do. If that’s not bad I don’t know what is. You know I love her, but if you aren’t happy then maybe it’s time to think about—”
“—About what?” Spencer asked, shocked that JJ was suggesting what he thought she was suggesting. “Breaking up?”
“I—I don’t know!” She said, surrendering her hands. “It was just a suggestion.”
“No! I love her even after everything that’s happened.”
“Okay,” JJ said, “I’m sorry I even suggested it.”
Just as Spencer was about to reply, his phone started ringing. It was you. He looked to the time on his phone, 8pm. Shit. He’d been gone nearly three hours.
He picked up the phone. “Hey, baby.”
“Are you okay? I-I know you’re mad at me, but you’ve been gone a really long time and you didn’t say where you were—” You paused for a moment, listening to the background noise. “Are you at a bar?”
“Uh, yeah. O’Keifs down the road.”
JJ decided to give you two some privacy.
“I’m just going to the bathroom,” She whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder as she passed.
You scoffed on the other side of the phone. “Was that JJ?”
It was then that Spencer realised what he had done. In the start of your relationship, you’d voiced your insecurities about Spencer’s relationship with JJ. You knew you were being silly. After all, JJ had already had Henry by the time you met her. Derek had made a comment about how Spencer used to have a thing for JJ years ago and they’d even been on a date.
Now, Spencer couldn’t help but wonder if a part of his subconscious had invited JJ out of everyone on the team because he was angry at you.
“I just wanted someone to talk to. Listen, I’m coming home now—”
Spencer knew he royally fucked up. In a frantic state, he gathered all his belongings and turned to the bartender.
“Can you let the woman I was here with know I left?” Spencer rushed out his words. “Just tell her I had an emergency. Great, thanks.”
Without seeing if the bartender even heard him, Spencer made a break for the back door, hoping to get home to you before you got angry enough to storm out the apartment or worse, leave him for good.
You were reading the book Spencer had bought you about the origin of sign language when he came bursting through the door.
Spencer looked around frantically until he set his eyes on you, sat snuggled in a blanket on the sofa. Once he realised you were here, his eyes softened.
“You’re here,” He sighed, stood rigid by the door.
You nodded. “Where else would I be?”
“I-I thought you might’ve left again like the last time we argued badly,” He mumbled.
He took a deep breath, trying to build up the courage to say what he was feeling. Okay, this is it. The talk.
“Yeah, y’know before . . . Mexico. We’d been arguing about my mom and I came home one day and you weren’t there,” Spencer said, sitting awkwardly at the end of the sofa.
You took in what he said. Was this how he was feeling every time you argued since?
“Spencer, I left because I couldn’t do it anymore and I was mad—”
“You were mad on the phone and earlier.”
You shot him a glare. “That’s different, Spence.”
“Okay . . .” He wondered off. Right about now would be when he’d leave the conversation there and move on, but not this time. “Can you explain why?”
You shut the book in front of you and positioned yourself to face him. “When everything with your mother was happening it felt like I you didn’t care about how it was effecting me—and I know that’s selfish, but it’s how it felt. It went on for months Spencer and I just . . . just needed a minute. What happened earlier was wrong too, I was lashing out, but couples have arguments like that all the time.”
“A minute?” He scoffed, “All of your stuff was gone like you hadn’t even been there. It took you, what? A few hours to pack up and move your shit like we didn’t even matter!”
You weren’t used to Spencer yelling—in fact you weren’t even sure if this was his version of yelling. It was then that you’d remembered he’d been at a bar, drinking for hours.
“Spence, I think you’re a little tipsy. Maybe we should—”
“No!” He exploded, “No, we’re going to talk about this for once. We’re not going to just walk away from it like your hearing aids, work, Mexico, Prison. I’m not doing it.”
“Is this what this is all about? That we don’t talk about your arrest?” Your voice started getting louder, more defensive. “I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want to push, Spencer. I figured you’d talk to me about it when you were ready.”
“Well, I’m ready! I’ve been ready for months! Instead, I’ve been trying to help you get better and if you weren’t so goddamn stubborn, then we could get over this part and move on from it. Not to mention, you threw it in my face earlier anyway!”
He was flailing his arms about randomly, placing his head in his hands at the end of his rant. You’d tried to be understanding, but now you were downright annoyed at what he was insinuating.
“So it’s my fault that you haven’t talked to me about prison?” You scoffed.
“Because I didn’t ask you to do any of this for me, Spencer,” You laughed, standing up and walking over to the cabinet in the corner of the room. “I didn’t ask you to pay for that fancy fucking doctor,” You exclaimed, pulling out the invoice you’d seen weeks ago. “I didn’t ask you to talk to Emily for me—yeah, I know about that. And I certainly didn’t ask you to be here with me.”
Spencer watched your outburst as you stood on the other side of the table.
You scoffed, wiping away your fallen tears. “So, go! I’m sorry that losing my hearing has been hard on you, Spencer. But imagine being the one who actually lost it.”
He walked over to you, placing his hands on your shoulders. “That’s what the hearing aids are for, baby. And I did all of those things because I love you and it killed me to see you in pain.”
“I hate the fucking hearing aids!” You yelled, “They just remind me that i’m useless to everyone if I don’t have them in. What good is an agent who can’t hear if an unsub is behind her? Or a girlfriend who can’t listen to her boyfriend’s problems unless she has things stuck to her ears!”
Your crying had become more hysterical. Spencer wrapped his arms around you. It felt like deja vu, except this time you were actually making progress. Spencer was just thankful to finally hear what you’re feeling instead of having to guess.
“Shh,” He comforted, “It’s okay, baby. We’ll work it out, I promise.”
“N-No,” You persisted, moving away from his chest. “I’m fine now, okay? Let’s talk about you.”
Spencer shook his head. “Let’s leave it for another time, okay?”
“No, you’re right, Spence. It’s what we do—we avoid. If you want to talk about everything that happened we should and i’m sorry i’ve made you feel like you can’t.”
“I do want to talk about it,” He told you, “But it’s not going to be easy for me to talk about or for you to hear, my love. I want us both to be okay when we get into the ins and outs of what happened and you are not okay right now.”
You sniffled in response.
Spencer smiled at the red flush your nose had now taken on. “So, let’s go relax for tonight. Do you want me to run you a bath?”
“Okay then, I’ll light some candles and put some bath salts in just how you like it.”
He pecked your forehead before turning to head for the bathroom. Spencer got about half way there when you and an idea.
“Do you want to join me?”
Intimacy had been a rough topic the last few months. In the sense that you hadn’t had any. Besides kissing and the cuddles in bed, you and Spencer hadn’t been close in that way since before he went to prison and even then, it was sparse since his mother was living with you.
He turned to face you, his face now the same colour as yours a minute ago. “Y-Yeah, okay.”
After an awkward start, you and Spencer had settled in the bath. Your back was to his chest and if you truly relaxed every bone in your body, you could feel his heartbeat against your back.
You could stay here forever.
