#journal;;

[cxttonteethviolence-a]

“’Stay firm and ride his wave.’

I remember when my aunt told me that. I was still getting to know my father, and he had all his best faces on. I read about how unpredictable he could be; irritable and dangerous. But aside from a few quirks, I hadn’t been on the receiving end of any of his mood swings. 

He was still living with Tessa and her family at the time. I stayed over for the weekend, and it was my first extended stay not in a hotel. It was early in the morning, and my dad was cooking eggs over the stove. He likes them a little burnt, so kitchen was filling up with smoke. 

“You might want to turn on the fan.” I called out. But he didn’t hear me. So I walked over, reached up, and turned the fan over the stove on. 

You would have thought that I crashed the car right into the kitchen with how much he jumped away from me, frying pan still in hand. His eyes were wide and angry, and he threw the pan back onto the stove and stormed out of the kitchen. 

I was at a complete loss. I think I stood stunned for about 45 seconds before I realized the flame was still on. Quickly, I turned it off. About then was when Tessa came back in, asking what had happened. I told her. 

She helped me clean up the mess and calmed me down when I started to cry. After that, she set me down and explained a few things to me. 

‘Certain sounds get to him. He’s very sensitive to it. The fan over the stove hits him hard, and his first reaction is anger. But it wasn’t at you, sweetheart. I can guarantee you that as soon as he turned that corner, he was asking himself what in the hell he was thinking.’

To this day, I don’t know how she has the patience for everything in her life. I’ve never heard her raise her voice once. 

‘Never feel like you can’t confront him if he acts out like this. Talk to him about it after, but if you combat him in the middle of it, he’ll get worse, and then you might as well be speaking to a wall. As long as he’s not hurting himself, let him have his moment. It’ll pass. Stay firm, but ride his wave.’

And I’ve tried to implement that as much as possible. He gets in his head and amps himself up. I see it kind of like a moth trying to get to the light in your house. He knows what he wants, and sees it, but there’s that invisible block preventing him from getting to it, so he’ll repeatedly bang on the glass. But if I just open the window, he’ll get to the light. 

I don’t get upset when my dad gets into one of his moods anymore. I’m able to navigate around his anger pretty easily now.”

[cxttonteethviolence-a]

“...to this day, I don’t remember the whole story. I was beat up so bad -- brains all but scrambled. 

Was found walkin’ down the interstate -- in one hell of a shock, because I didn’t put up any fight in bein’ put into the back of an ambulance. I don’t remember any a’this shit. 

-- but I remember wakin’ up. Goddamn, do I remember waking up. More broken bones than I could count, concussed, missing teeth -- thankfully it was the fake ones anyway, fingernails, stitches. Tessa couldn’t stop crying -- said I was completely unrecognizable. 

Just reminded me of how much I hate the phrase: ‘You’re lucky to be alive’.”

[cxttonteethviolence-a]

“I wanted the Group... I wanted it to work. I’ve been so alone in all this shit for so goddamned long that... that I needed someone who knew. I needed to know that there were other people out there who could understand, but... fuck, I think I’m more alone now. How the hell do I look so many of these kids in the eye when I knew... when I knew him..? 

I don’t belong in that Group...”

[cxttonteethviolence-a]

I spent nearly a full year in the hospital after I got out of that fuckin’ place...

I shouldn’t have survived -- shouldn’t have.

But I did, and I spent a long fucking time in rehab before that year ended and I was transferred into a mental health facility. 

Shit, I knew my sisters wrote me off at that point. That was it. Curtain closed, they gotta plan for another fucking funeral.

I didn’t, though. Didn’t go out of my way to keep from dyin’, but I never -- never tried to open up my neck again. I just kept seein’ my sister’s belly grow with her first kid, and I couldn’t give that up. Mom wasn’t doing too good at that point, I just... 

That one’s still too hard to talk about. Got to talk to her before she died -- first time since I was 14 goddamned years old. Didn’t change anything, really.

But I still kept on. As hard as it is to believe.

[cxttonteethviolence-a]

“Dated? No, No, I -- uh, no. No, I never dated. I can’t trust anyone. Or it’s too painful. One or the other.

I mean, I never really dated anyway, did I? Had Pam, but that was Freshman year in high school. Then -- then Bunny’s mom, and George. Yeah, there were a few lizards here and there -- mostly regulars I knew over the years. Stuck in some hard rain, drunk... nothing special.

There was one girl, but... she was married. Pregnant -- we never did nothin’. I mean, hell. I don’t even really know if she liked me. Knew I loved her the moment I saw her, though. Husband was a prick, but -- she... she died. Child birth. Her priest didn’t really do much in the way of modern medicine.

But no. No, I never dated after all that. I don’t miss it, really. I’m older now and I got my dogs, daughter and her family. My sisters’ kids keep me busy. I don’t even think I could date. I got too much to unload on a person.”

[gravisludos-archived]

💞

Send 💞 and my muse will tell you about a previous love || @museinfusion || accepting

“I was never and will never be an easy person to love, but Elijah never gave up on me. Despite all my disappearances, my lashing out, my consistent attempts to push him away, he remained patiently waiting until I needed him again. That bastard knew I would too, always greeting me with the same ‘I told you so’ smile he had whenever I showed up on his doorstep.”

“It feels like yesterday I met the old fool, but in reality, it had been over fifty years. I was working as a custom tailor back in the 1960′s when I met his new bride. She needed her wedding dress worked on and eventually I was hired to do the bridesmaid’s as well. Through this, I ended up becoming very good friends with her, and eventually Elijah. Unfortunately, Merryl, his wife, passed away around ten years after they married. He was left with three children, no wife, and no one to turn too. I offered my assistance.”

“For well over a year I helped take care of his children as Elijah found his way back to sanity. Cooking, cleaning, teaching. I essentially became their Nanny, and once the children were tucked into bed to go to sleep, Elijah and I would sit in front of his fireplace and exchange stories, getting to know one another.”

“This pattern continued on for the next forty years; he became one of my oldest, most trusted friends. Up until his passing this year he would still come over with new types of teas for me to try and pictures of his grandchildren, and we would sit in front of the fire discussing how the world around us had changed. He was one of the purest men I’d ever known.”

“I miss him..”

[gravisludos-archived]

Yellowed, wrinkling, crumbling pieces of paper laminated for their own sakes rapidly cycled through by nimble, deft hands that never ceased their working. Cinead watched her with a faint smile, his heavy shoulder leaning against her office’s doorframe. Their visits were so few and far between, so cordial, and so quick, it wasn’t often he was given the opportunity to simply just watch the woman he once had at his side as a wife. 

Life was cruel that way. 

Finally, she found the piece she was looking for buried in the depths of her filing cabinet. "Here it is,” Gemina said as she began reading over the faded lines, “I was worried it might have been lost when the docks flooded. According to this Grant purchased a large number of cattle from you back in 1898. Preference for men, sturdy builds, English speaking.” The paper was flashed towards him as he reached to grab it, nodding in understanding. “I thought I recognized that mug of his.” 

Gemina went back to her desk to put away the mountains of files she had pulled. After being in business for over a century, her records seemed endless. “I wonder what sort of vendetta he would have against you to place the mark.” She commented. Cinead had been through far worse brought on by more powerful figures; a simple assassination attempt made by an immortal brat was simply laughable, and she knew she’d have nothing to worry about. 

“I’m unsure.” he brought the paper back over to her desk and set it down while continuing to look over it. His palms caught the edges of the desks and he leaned down on its sturdy wood. “Something tells me that Grant isn’t truly the one handling this. He was spineless a hundred years ago, he’s spineless now. He could barely hold the gun steady enough to fire at me.” 

Gemina glanced over her shoulder to see his shirt hanging forward, able to just barely see the remnants from where the bullets entered. She slid the drawer on her cabinet closed and walked over, stood on the opposite side of the desk of him, and sighed. “Cowards are still capable of malicious intent, my love.” Hearing her say that caused Cinead’s head to jerk upwards to catch her staring at him. There was a frown of concern on her lips that pulled at the strings of his heart.  

“That they may be,” he straightened up but continued to lean forward enough to be barely a breath from her face, “but men like Grant do not lift their fingers to fire weapons unless their masters tell them too.” Gemina leaned her forward into his and closed her eyes. “Let me believe you are in no danger, Cinead..” He laughed, deep and warm, and brought one of his hands to cup her chin. “I am always in danger, little one..”