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May 5, 2022

Trans Mermaid & Coming Out | Dreamsounds

Transcript by CCKN is under the cut

[0:00] Marlene (pre-transition): A little over three years ago I began this channel

[0:02] and I haven’t be honest.

[0:05] Well, I mean I a-actually scratch that.

[0:07] I don’t think that’s true.

[0:08] A little over three years ago I began this channel

[0:10] and since then I understand myself a lot better.

[0:14] I don’t think I was being dishonest in my earlier videos

[0:17] I just didn’t have the right tools and vocabulary to know what I was feeling

[0:21] I shared my feelings as I understood them back then.

[0:24] I went to Disneyland Paris at the beginning of February,

[0:26] and it was weird.

[0:28] On one hand it was incredibly cool to celebrate three years of the channel

[0:31] and be there to work on a video about Disney queerness and the American dream,

[0:35] but I also knew it was the end of an era.

[0:37] I knew that as soon as I got home

[0:39] I would begin truly taking my life into my own hands.

[0:43] Marlene (post-transition): So let’s talk about mermaids and why I’m a woman now.

[0:48] [“Part of Your World” piano cover by Jon Michael Ogletree]

[1:04] A few months ago I shaved,

[1:07] instead of just trimming my beard

[1:11] I was shaving my whole body

[1:13] I took some photos in the mirror and sent a text to my husband John

[1:15] saying it was the last call for my old name.

[1:18] In truth, I knew that wasn’t really the case.

[1:22] For most people, I would still be my old name

[1:24] while I transitioned in my private

[1:26] but from that point on,

[1:28] it was all a performance by me, Marlene,

[1:31] and that is my real name

[1:34] while shaving, I put the album, Howard Sings Ashman, on in the background

[1:38] and when it got to his demo of “Part of Your World” from The Little Mermaid

[1:41] I looked in the mirror and started crying.

[1:44] His beautiful lyrics and Alan Menken’s unforgettable music hit me all at once.

[1:49] After a decade of boring myself in

[1:52] beards, in hair, and masculinity,

[1:55] I finally saw me.

[1:57] But I quickly started laughing.

[1:59] What was emotional became absurd,

[2:02] like I finally found the glasses that were on my face the whole time.

[2:06] Oh! There I was.

[2:08] In “Part of Your World,” Ariel sings about wanting to be a human.

[2:11] After obsessing over human objects for such a long time,

[2:15] she decides that she’s had enough.

[2:17] Even though she’s told not go to the surface, she can’t help it.

[2:20] She literally comes from underwater royalty,

[2:22] but that doesn’t matter.

[2:24] She’s not happy.

[2:26] Marlene (singing): 🎶 I’ve got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty 🎶

[2:30] 🎶 I’ve got who zits and whatzits galore 🎶

[2:34] 🎶 You want thingamabobs? 🎶

[2:37] 🎶 [Well] I’ve got twenty 🎶

[2:40] 🎶 But who cares? 🎶

[2:43] 🎶 No big deal 🎶

[2:46] 🎶 I want more! 🎶

[2:51] Marlene (talking): I married John in 2019

[2:53] and it was one of the happiest days of my life

[2:55] but it was also complicated.

[2:57] I flew to New York so we could get married at city hall in Manhattan

[3:00] and afterwards we went to take photos in Fort Tyron Park, the place where we first met

[3:04] but that afternoon I felt like something was wrong.

[3:08] I looked at the photos and I felt intense joy

[3:11] but then I realized I was only looking at John

[3:14] and when I tried to look at myself

[3:17] Well...

[3:18] I couldn’t.

[3:19] It was like my face was distorted and my eyes were desperately trying to avoid it.

[3:24] I felt like something had gone terribly wrong but I didn’t know what

[3:27] but at the same time I knew.

[3:30] I think that was when it started to sink in.

[3:32] Maybe transitioning wasn’t a choice

[3:34] but something I needed to do to survive

[3:37] Marlene (singing): 🎶 Up where they walk, 🎶

[3:40] 🎶 up where they run 🎶

[3:43] 🎶 Up where they stay all day in the sun 🎶

[3:49] 🎶 Wanderin’ free - 🎶

[3:51] 🎶 wish I could be 🎶

[3:54] 🎶 Part of that world 🎶

[4:00] Marlene (talking): Part of Your World resonates with so many queer people for so many reasons.

[4:04] I mean I don’t think there’s any song I’ve talked about more on this channel

[4:09] but there’s a reason why trans people specifically love it so much.

[4:13] Mermaids have become a cultural symbol

[4:15] for trans identity,

[4:17] they’re easy to find in trans art and one of the most notable trans charities is named after them.

[4:22] In his wonderful book Mermaids and Drag Queens,

[4:24] Yuval Avrami explores why mermaids mean so much.

[4:28] “As a symbol, the mermaid is non-binary in its essence:

[4:32] she defies binaries and dichotomies by living on sea and above it,

[4:36] being both human and animal,

[4:38] and having a human identity but no human genitalia.”

[4:42] There’s a reason why fantasy can be such an important genre for queer people.

[4:46] It allows you to create whatever you want

[4:48] and to express yourself in ways that might not be possible in the real world.

[4:52] In fact, the original Little Mermaid story is thought of to be an expression of queerness.

[4:57] Hans Christian Anderson reportedly wrote the book after finding out that Edvard Collin, a man he had feelings for,

[5:03] had gotten engaged to a woman.

[5:06] “I languished for you as for a pretty Calabrian wench...

[5:09] my sentiments for you are those of a woman.

[5:11] The femininity of my nature and our friendship must remain a mystery.”

[5:17] What Anderson meant is debated.

[5:19] Many people assume he was gay,

[5:22] others day he was bi, ace, the list goes on.

[5:24] Based on that quote, you might think there were also some gender things going on

[5:28] because of him describing his emotions

[5:30] as those of a woman.

[5:32] But you also have to keep in mind that in the late 1800s in Europe

[5:36] there were a few theories about queerness

[5:38] with one even saying that gay men were women’s souls in men’s bodies.

[5:42] So it doesn’t always work with our modern vocab

[5:46] but regardless of what you think he meant

[5:48] it’s pretty clear that some type of queerness, some type of deviation from cisgender heteronormative society was happening

[5:54] but I don't think we need to know Anderson’s exact feelings to see that in the story.

[5:59] “In Anderson’s story, trading the fin for legs involve immense pain:

[6:03] the transformation itself feels as if a sword splits her body

[6:07] and each step she takes afterwards feels like walking on sharp knives.”

[6:12] “The story ends in a complex and tragic fashion -

[6:15] the prince falls in love with another human woman and the mermaid throws herself from the ship,

[6:19] but instead of dying and turning into seafood as she expected,

[6:23] she turns into a ‘daughter of the air’, and might gain an immortal soul similarly to humans.”

[6:28] “Disney’s version changed the story’s ending to a happy ending,

[6:31] as is customary in the studio’s renditions of fairy tales and other children’s stories,

[6:36] and in the animated film Ariel and the Prince marry

[6:39] and live happily ever after as humans.”

[6:41] So the original is quite dark almost to the point where it’s a different story entirely.

[6:45] But I didn’t know that growing up.

[6:47] And honestly I liked the Disney ending.

[6:51] It was helpful for me to see that Ariel went through so much struggle but that everything turned out all right in the end.

[7:02] In early 2021 I texted my friend Judy, asking if she could talk.

[7:07] I had already identified as non-binary since 2015

[7:10] but I was realizing that might not fit me anymore.

[7:13] It was incredibly helpful for me to think of my body and who I am

[7:17] as not being tied to social roles or the gender binary.

[7:20] But I think I needed more.

[7:22] I realized that my biggest limitation wasn’t society,

[7:26] but my body.

[7:28] I didn’t know what to tell Judy.

[7:30] I mean I didn’t know who I was.

[7:32] And a few hours prior I was crying in John’s arms,

[7:35] telling him that I thought I was a woman

[7:37] but when I spoke with Judy I told her about how I thought I could

[7:40] still be non-binary.

[7:42] I mean transition is different for everyone and isn’t always tied to identity.

[7:46] At the end of the call, Judy shared a quote from a movie she had seen.

[7:50] “It’s always the right time to be born.”

[7:53] Eating breakfast the next morning,

[7:55] I told John I didn’t think I needed to transition.

[7:58] When I came out as gay when I was 15,

[8:01] it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

[8:04] But when I told John I thought I was a woman, I didn’t feel that.

[8:07] In fact, I felt even more confused more, more stressed.

[8:11] I didn't even have a name yet,

[8:13] but I didn't have to decide.

[8:15] I already was non-binary so I decided to give myself time.

[8:20] In The Little Mermaid, in order to make it to the human world Ariel has to make a deal with Ursula, the sea witch.

[8:26] In exchange for giving Ariel legs, she takes her voice.

[8:30] But before she does that she sings Poor Unfortunate Souls which isn’t just a memorable villain song,

[8:35] but also a lesson in femininity.

[8:38] In Mermaids and Drag Queens it’s even described as a drag performance.

[8:42] Before she starts singing she’s putting on makeup.

[8:44] And though the song is ultimately about her villainy and manipulating Ariel

[8:49] she teaches her how to get a man and never underestimates the importance of body language.

[8:55] After coming out to John and then rescinding my coming out,

[8:57] I moved on.

[8:59] I continued making videos, continued singing, I continued just living.

[9:04] Nearly every week I’d read Judy’s comics, all part of a series called

[9:08] Everything is Somewhat Repaired

[9:10] where she intimately talks about her experiences as a trans woman.

[9:14] In March of 2021 there was an installment called People Are Mirrors

[9:17] and the first panel shocked me.

[9:19] I couldn’t recognize myself as trans before I met other trans people.

[9:24] When I read that I felt like Ariel.

[9:26] I wanted to go to the human world but I didn’t know how.

[9:30] But by reading someone else’s perspective I started seeing myself

[9:34] and I started learning.

[9:37] In late 2021, I started talking to my friends about transitioning.

[9:41] I still didn’t know what that meant for me but

[9:43] I could feel the tides changing

[9:45] then one night in early 2022

[9:47] I was so anxious I felt nauseous.

[9:50] I was literally worried sick and had trouble sleeping.

[9:53] The next morning I looked at my phone and saw a text from a friend.

[9:56] “I liked Marlene a lot,” they said.

[9:59] I then scrolled up and saw that before bed I had texted them two names.

[10:04] And...I liked Marlene a lot too.

[10:07] Later I was on the subway and was looking at my reflection

[10:10] but I couldn’t see myself,

[10:12] I saw someone but I didn’t see me.

[10:15] It had been that way for many years

[10:16] and it clearly wasn’t going away.

[10:18] And in that moment I realized that I had to change.

[10:22] Coincidentally I had plans to meet with Judy that day for lunch.

[10:25] I told her what was up and the conversation changed.

[10:28] It went from us catching up to her coaching me.

[10:31] Judy already had a lot of experience with the bureaucracy of transition

[10:34] and she essentially gave me a guide for navigating it.

[10:36] Judy wasn’t a sea witch but this was magic.

[10:41] And I felt like Ariel.

[10:43] I saw my way out

[10:44] but just like Ariel I have to lose my voice.

[10:54] My voice means a lot to me.

[10:57] In fact I feel like sometimes it was the only thing I had going for me.

[11:00] If I wanted to show someone who I was I would sing them a song.

[11:04] I think it’s more effective than talking.

[11:06] By singing, I can truly share myself with others.

[11:09] And when I was feeling what I now understand to be gender dysphoria.

[11:13] I would sing.

[11:15] Playing shows was an escape.

[11:17] I’d close my eyes and feel like I was out of my body.

[11:19] I thought that my voice was grounding me

[11:22] but early into transition I realized it wasn’t.

[11:24] It was holding me back.

[11:27] So I started making a new voice.

[11:29] I learned everything I could and was training constantly,

[11:32] and I still felt like Ariel.

[11:35] One day I was talking to another friend who’s also a trans woman,

[11:38] and was telling her about working on this video.

[11:40] She was talking to me about transitioning and

[11:42] how when she was learning how to talk again,

[11:45] she felt like Ariel too,

[11:46] going out into the human world without a voice.

[11:49] And I knew exactly what she meant.

[11:53] If I was at a bakery I pointed.

[11:55] I used my fingers.

[11:56] I tried to use my new voice but some days I just didn’t speak at all.

[12:00] Some things just take time.

[12:03] Marlene (singing): 🎶 What would I give 🎶

[12:05] 🎶 If I could live 🎶

[12:07] 🎶 out of these waters? 🎶

[12:10] 🎶 What would I pay 🎶

[12:12] 🎶 To spend a day warm on the sand? 🎶

[12:16] 🎶 Bet’cha on land 🎶

[12:18] 🎶 they understand 🎶

[12:19] 🎶 Bet they don’t reprimand their daughters 🎶

[12:23] 🎶 Bright young women 🎶

[12:25] 🎶 sick of swimmin’ 🎶

[12:27] 🎶 Ready to stand 🎶

[12:31] Marlene (talking): I had to leave a job because I’m trans.

[12:34] For most people, me transitioning was not an issue

[12:37] but for this job it was.

[12:39] After a few humiliating conversations I left.

[12:43] To make a long story short

[12:45] In this vulnerable time of my life

[12:47] I didn’t want to argue.

[12:48] I was going to leave that gig soon anyway,

[12:51] so I just let it be.

[12:52] In a perfect world I would be able to use the resources available to me to stand up for my rights as a trans person...

[12:58] ...but I just didn’t have it in me.

[13:01] I kind of knew it would happen,

[13:03] but it still hurt.

[13:05] It was the first time that I had to confront the fact

[13:08] that my life was about to become much harder.

[13:10] People would harass me every time I go outside.

[13:13] People will start to be hyper aware of

[13:16] and criticize every aspect of

[13:17] how I dress, act, and speak.

[13:20] To find some type of flaw that supposedly gives it away.

[13:23] And I’ll start doing that to myself too.

[13:25] I’ll start internalizing and battling these impossibly high toxic standards

[13:30] that aren’t actually about preserving womanhood but simply limiting trans womanhood.

[13:34] It’s also not lost on me

[13:36] that in the months since I started transitioning

[13:38] transphobic legislation in the U.S. has increased exponentially.

[13:42] To many people I’m not a human, I’m a problem.

[13:45] But weirdly enough at the same time I feel more comfortable than ever.

[13:50] I feel my life coming back to me.

[13:52] John had a few days off in March

[13:54] and he spontaneously flew to Berlin

[13:56] because he wanted to be there with me during this time of my life.

[13:59] And while I was finishing up my previous video last week,

[14:01] the doorbell rang and I found out he sent me some flowers.

[14:04] Part of my fear in transitioning was that it would ruin our marriage

[14:08] but it’s done the exact opposite.

[14:10] In loving and giving so much of myself to someone,

[14:14] I can now really give him the whole me.

[14:16] Earlier in this video, I talking about how a big point for me early on was realizing that transitioning wasn’t a want

[14:23] but it was something that I had to do to survive.

[14:25] But now I realize it’s so much more than that.

[14:29] It’s not just about survival,

[14:30] it’s something I have to do to blossom

[14:33] but I don’t always feel like Ariel.

[14:35] Unlike her, getting my voice back isn’t immediate.

[14:38] I’m still working on it,

[14:40] but I’m feeling more and more like myself each day.

[14:43] Two weeks ago I went to my friend, Chad’s, album release show.

[14:46] It was the first time I went to a social event as Marlene

[14:49] and it was so good to see my friend and

[14:51] hear Chad’s new songs.

[14:53] Before the last song in his set,

[14:55] he dedicated it to old friends with new names

[14:58] and I immediately thought

[15:00] I’m so glad to be here.

END OF TRANSCRIPT

Youtube Channel: Dreamsounds

Video Description:

I'm so glad to be here 🏳️‍⚧️ https://www.patreon.com/dreamsounds

Special thanks to Judy Moore (https://www.instagram.com/ignatzhoch/) and Yuval Avrami (https://www.instagram.com/yuvalavrami/) for letting me use your work in this video!

___________________ The pieces of media and music featured in this video are quoted for critical and educational purposes. Those looking to completely understand the pieces are encouraged to purchase the original works.

Stock footage sources: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1y... ___________________ MUSIC USED: "All of Me and All of You" by Nocturnal Spirits

"Part of Your World" by Howard Ashman and Alan Menken

Jon Michael Ogletree's cover of "Part of Your World" (licensed under Creative Commons): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grCjS...

"Three Days in Venice" by Franz Gordon

"String Quartet Nº. 3, Op. 41, Nº. 3 - III. Adagio molto" by Robert Schumann, performed by Traditional (Epidemic Sound)

"Beneath the Waves" by Gavin Luke

"Words in Disguise" by The Magnus Ringblom Quartet

"Sunny San Francisco" by Oakwood Station

"Retrace" by Arden Forest

___________________ 00:00 Introduction 00:58 Seeing Myself 02:08 Part of Your World 02:51 Marriage 04:01 Trans Mermaids 07:02 Changing Tides 10:55 My Voice 12:30 Leaving a Job

Pinned Comment by Dreamsound:

I'm elated to finally share with y'all what's been happening over the past few months 💗 Between the bureaucracy and having to leave a job because I'm trans, it's been an...interesting time. But now I can work more on videos and other gigs, so I'm excited to share more with you in the next few weeks! If you want to support the show, becoming a patron really helps me to keep making videos: https://www.patreon.com/dreamsounds

If Patreon isn't accessible, even just watching or sharing my videos are great ways to help, so, thank you so much!

I also want to shout out two people who made this possible: Judy Moore and Yuval Avrami. Judy's work is here and I highly recommend you check out her comics: https://www.instagram.com/ignatzhoch/

Yuval's wonderful book "Mermaids and Drag Queens" is in the works to be published in a journal, but if you want to read it, he said anyone who DMs him on Insta can get a free PDF: https://www.instagram.com/yuvalavrami/

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Notes: This is a reminder for those who don’t know that none of the videos I transcribe belong to me. They belong to the content creators and the crew behind the videos. I'm just someone who wants to provide video transcripts because the auto-generated CC feature on YouTube is.... not great most of the time. Plus I want to provide a way for people to understand and enjoy these videos. My transcripts may not be 100% as I am not a professional. For this video, I focused on the speaker.

If there are any corrections you would like me to make, let me know in the comment section of the post.

If you like this video or any other video from Dreamsounds, please support the creator by watching her videos on the YouTube platform and through other means by her.

Thank you and have a great spring and summer! 💗🔆☀️

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