↝ know this isn't katseye. just wanted some traction hence the tag. ignore it if you wish.
↝ going back to writing in 3rd. just seems more fitting.
alternate song: good at breaking hearts - jungle
~ season 1 ep 8: and salt the earth behind you, ~
y/n stood before the mirror in her bedroom, adjusting the silk tie around her neck. the tie that matched perfectly with the dress she'd knew maddy would be wearing.
she spent weeks searching for the exact shade, asking the girls subtle questions about maddy's prom dress until she was finally told.
tonight was prom night. the night that really mattered.
her phone buzzed.
kat
u still coming tonight?
maddys been asking about u
she smiled. maddy had been asking about her. that had to mean something...right?
their friendship had always been intense. maddy knew y/n had feelings for her ever since they kissed.
it was just the summer before, during a sleepover with the girls at maddy's house when her parents were away. the girls had been drinking and eventually passed out on the floor during a movie.
only maddy and y/n were awake, lying on her bed, growing closer to each other. maddy turned to her, smiling softly, then grabbing her cheek in her hand and pressing her lips on hers.
it was the best kiss y/n ever had. she fell asleep that night in maddy's arms with a bright smile on her face and maddy's soft lips stuck in her head.
the next day, maddy pretended it never happened, never spoke about it, but she made it clear she enjoyed it and possibly even wanted more.
but nate complicated everything. their relationship was toxic way beyond belief. just constant fighting and making up that left maddy in tears more often than not.
y/n saw the bruises, heard the shouting, and held maddy while she cried after their worst fights.
kat, bb, rue, and even cassie, (though her and cassie never got along that well), all encouraged her to make a move.
"you're so good to her," rue had told her last week, high out of her mind at a party while y/n stared at maddy.
but maddy always went back to him. always.
she took one last look in the mirror, smoothing out her jacket. she was ready.
==
y/n stepped into the gymnasium, which was covered in large lights and draped fabric. she looked around, her eyes immediately scanning for maddy.
she saw her.
she was sitting at a table, with the girls of course, her dress clinging to her curves, and her hair up and over her shoulders.
her breath caught. she walked closer to the table until she was right behind her. as if feeling her presence, maddy turned, her eyes immediately lighting up when she met y/n's.
a slow smile spread across her face, and she excused herself from the table, making her way towards her and wrapping her arms around her neck.
"you came," maddy said, her voice warm and her smile genuine.
"wouldn't miss it," she replied, her heart pounding. "you look very beautiful, madeline."
maddy's eyes dropped to her tie, her smile widening as she grabbed into between her hands. "we match."
"I know."
they stood for a moment, just looking at each other, a slow song fading in the background.
"you gonna ask me to dance or you just gonna stare at me all night?" maddy teased.
y/n laughed. "would you like to dance?" she asked, pulling back and offering her hand.
maddy took it, her fingers lacing with hers. "I'd love to."
as they made their way to the middle of the floor, y/n caught sight of the girls, giving her thumbs-ups from the table. she couldn't help but grin as maddy dragged her along.
maddy pulled y/n close, wrapping her arms around her neck, while she placed hers on maddy's waist. they moved together in sync, smiling as they swayed.
"i'm glad you came," maddy whispered, her breath warm against her ear.
"where else would I be at?" she replied, her voice barely above a whisper.
maddy rested her head on y/n's shoulders, her body growing more comfortable as they moved.
"maddy," she started, her heart racing, "there's something I need to tell you-"
maddy tensed, her head raised and her gaze shifted, her attention diverted by something over y/n's shoulder. y/n followed behind her to see nate just across from them, dancing with some girl she didn't recognize.
he was holding the girl way too close. way too inappropriate for a high school dance.
his hands rested on her ass, gripping it in his hands as he whispered something in her ear, his eyes fixed on maddy the entire time.
maddy's fingers dug slightly into her shoulders. her happy expression vanishing, replaced by indifference.
"what a cunt," maddy muttered under her breath.
y/n's heart sank. this moment, the perfect moment she had been waiting for, was once again ruined by nate.
"maddy," she said softly, trying to bring maddy's attention back to her. "forget about him. I want you to look at me."
maddy blinked, her eyes focusing on her. "sorry."
y/n shook her head, forcing a smile. "it doesn't matter. let's just dance."
the continued but something had shifted between them. the intimacy was gone, replaced by tension. maddy kept glancing over at nate, her jaw tight. she couldn't tell if she was angry or hurt.
y/n tried to ignore it, pretend that she didn't notice maddy's attention was elsewhere. she held maddy closer, trying to remind her that she was here, that she was the one dancing with her.
it was no use. maddy's mind was already across the room, caught up in their toxic bubble.
y/n could feel the tears bubbling in her eyes. when the song ended, she pulled away, forcing another smile. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll be back."
"okay," maddy replied, though her eyes were already scanning the crowd again.
y/n turned and walked away, her chest tight. she had been so close but her chest weighed heavy. she had to get the hell out of here.
==
the sound of the music muffled behind the closed door. y/n leaned against the sink, trying to refocus her brain. her eyes were shiny with tears, her makeup starting to smudge.
a makeup look maddy taught her. she was hoping she would notice. would look at her and notice her gesture besides her tie.
she really thought tonight would be different. she wanted to believe that maddy would choose her, would finally tell her how she feels.
a sob escapes her, followed by another. she sank to the wall behind her, leaning back against it as tears dropped down her cheeks.
the bathroom door creaked open, and she quickly tried to compose herself wiping her eyes with the back of hand.
"hey," rue said softly, her expression concerned. "you okay?"
she shook her head, unable to speak, a lump formed in her throat.
rue sat down next to her. "want a pick me up-"
"nate, fucking nate." y/n cut off bitterly. "dancing with some other girl, and maddy couldn't stop fucking staring."
rue sighed. "he's an asshole."
"he's got the greatest girl and he just—why does she always go back to him?" she asked, her voice cracking. "why am I not enough?"
"hey," rue said firmly, turning to face her. "that's not it. y'know that's not it."
"then what is it?" she demanded, her frustration boiling. "because i'm tired, rue. he doesn't even fucking know her. I know her. I'm so tired of loving her and it not being enough."
rue was quiet, choosing her words carefully. "maddy...she's been through a lot with nate. he's messed with her head, y'know? she doesn't think she deserves good things, good people."
"but she does, she so does," y/n insisted.
"I know," rue said softly. "deep down, I think she knows it too. she loves you. but she's scared. nate has some fucked up kind of power, and even though she knows its bad, it's familiar. it's what she's used to."
"what am I posed to do?" y/n asked, her voice barely a whisper.
"keep being there for her," rue replied. "she'll come around."
rue squeezed her shoulder. "you'll have to decide if you can keep waiting. but i think she will. i really do."
she leaned her head against rue's shoulder. "thanks, rue-rue."
y/n brought her hand up to the back of rue's head, bringing her hand down and pressing a wet kiss to her forehead.
"anytime," rue replied.
y/n sighed, managing a weak smile. "I think I need some air."
"cool," rue said, standing up and offering her hand to help her up. "don't do anything stupid."
"no promises," y/n replied with a smile just as jules walked into the bathroom.
y/n walked out, flashing a smile rue's way.
==
maddy was no longer standing alone. she was on the dance floor, pressed against some guy, her head thrown back on his shoulder.
her movements were deliberate and exaggerated, a performance as nate danced with the same girl, moving to touch her more provocatively, his hands roaming possessively as he started directly at maddy.
y/n couldn't watch anymore. turning, she walked out of the gymnasium, not bothering to say goodbye to anyone.
she walked quickly to her car. once inside, she sat for a moment, her hands gripping the steering wheel.
she didn't go home. instead, she drove to a small, secluded park, a small area she and maddy sometimes went to talk and smoke late at night.
she grabbed the small tin from her glove compartment, along with a pre-rolled blunt. leaning against the hood of her car, she lit it and took a long, slow drag.
she stayed there for hours, looking at the sky, playing on her phone, smoking the blunt until it was nothing more than a roach.
it came around midnight, her phone buzzed in her pocket. the screen lit up with maddy's name.
for a moment she considered letting it go to voicemail, but her thumb moved with a will of its own, swiping to answer.
"hello?" she said, her voice rough from the smoke.
"where are you?" maddy's voice came through, slurred and thick. "I need you to pick me up."
she sighed, closing her eyes. "what happened, maddy?"
"what do you think happened?" maddy snapped with a short hiccup. "nate happened. he's a cunt. the biggest cunt on the entire planet."
"you okay?" she asked, already moving to get into the driver's seat.
"no, I'm not fucking okay," maddy wailed. "he ruined everything. prom's supposed to be perfect, and he ruined it. just like he ruins everything."
"where are you?"
"i'm at the 7-eleven. can you come get me please? I don't wanna be here anymore."
"I'm on my way," y/n said, starting the engine. "stay there. don't go anywhere with anyone."
"m'kay," maddy whispered, her voice suddenly small and vulnerable. "hurry please."
==
the drive was short, but it felt entirely too long. she found maddy sitting on the curb outside the store, her perfect dress now wrinkled, her makeup still flawless despite her tears.
y/n got out and opened the passenger door for maddy, who slid in without a word. as she drove away, a heavy silence filled the car.
"I'm sorry," maddy said finally, her voice barely audible.
"for what?"
"for...everything," maddy replied, gesturing vaguely. "for tonight. for being a bad friend. I totally ditched you tonight, I'm sorry."
she glanced over at maddy, her heart aching. "it's okay."
"no, it's not," maddy insisted, turning to face her. "you're always so good to me, and I always...I always mess It up."
"you don't mess it up, maddy," she said softly. "you're just...you. you're hurting."
maddy was quiet for a moment, looking out the window. "I was happy when we were dancing," she said quietly. "before he showed up. I forgot about everything else. it was just...us."
y/n's heart fluttered. "I was too," she admitted.
maddy turned to her. "I really liked your tie, and your makeup. you look so cute." she said, her hand brushing y/n's arm softly.
she smiled.
fucking maddy.
"can we get food?" maddy asked suddenly. "I'm starving."
she smiled, relieved at the change in subject. "sure. what you want?"
"taco bell," maddy replied immediately. "needa baja blast."
"of course, fat ass," she laughed.
they went through the drive-thru, ordering their usual order.
instead of going straight to maddy's, she pulled into the parking lot of a closed building, finding a secluded spot.
they ate in comfortable silence for a few minutes. she watched maddy out of the corner of her eye, noting the way she seemed to relax.
"maddy?" she said, her heart suddenly pounding in her chest.
maddy looked up, her mouth full. "hmm?"
she took a deep breath. "do you love me?"
maddy froze, her taco halfway to her mouth. she slowly lowered it back to the wrapper, her eyes wide. "what?"
"do you love me?" she repeated, her voice steady. "not as a friend. I mean, really love me."
maddy was quiet for a long moment, her gaze dropping to her lap. "you know I do," she whispered finally.
"no, I don't," she replied, her frustration bubbling. "how would I know? you keep going back to him. you avoid me, and you choose him."
"it's not that simple," maddy insisted, looking up at her, her eyes shining with tears.
"please explain it to me. I'm not mad. I'm confused," she demanded. "help me understand why I'm not enough."
"you are enough," maddy said, her voice cracking. "you're more than enough. that's the problem."
"what does that mean?" y/n asked, exasperated.
"it means I don't deserve you!" maddy burst out, tears streaming down her face. "I'm a terrible person, and you're...you're good. you're so good to me, and I would just ruin you, like I ruin everything else."
she stared at maddy, silent. she had never seen maddy so vulnerable.
"maddy," she started, maddy cut her off.
"no, let me finish," she said, wiping her tears. "nate...he's safe. not because he's good or anything, but he's already as bad as he's going to get. there's no risk, no possibility of disappointing him because he expects nothing from me. but you...you see me as someone, and I'm terrified that i'll let you down, that I'll prove you wrong."
"so you'd rather be with someone who treats you like shit than risk being with someone who actually loves you?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.
"it sounds stupid when you say it like that," maddy admitted with a watery laugh.
"it is stupid," she said, though her tone was gentle. "it's the stupidest thing i've ever heard."
before maddy could respond, she leaned across the console and closed the distance between them, pressing her lips against maddy's.
maddy kissed her back, her hands coming up to cup her face, her fingers tangling in her hair. it was an apology. it was everything she had, everything she promised.
when they finally pulled apart, they were both breathing heavily, their foreheads resting against each other.
"I know," she replied, her voice soft.
==
y/n parked in the driveway of maddy's home, cutting the engine of her car. maddy made no move to get out, just started out the windshield.
"come on," y/n said gently, unbuckling her seatbelt. "let's go inside."
maddy nodded slowly. they walked to the front door, and she knocked softly.
after a moment, the door opened to reveal maddy's mom, her hair in a messy bun and a robe tied around her waist.
"madeline," she said, her eyes taking in her daughter's state. "I was worried."
"lo siento, mommy," maddy mumbled, looking at her feet.
her gaze shifted to y/n, and her expression softened. "hi, sweetie. thank you for bringing her home."
"of course," she replied with a small smile.
"had a rough night?"
maddy flinched. "something like that. she's just really tired."
"okay," her mom sighed, steeping aside to let them in. "well, I'm glad you're safe. and I'm glad you're with her," she added, giving her a meaningful look before heading back to her bedroom. "try to get some sleep."
"we will," she promised, guiding maddy towards the stairs.
she led maddy to her room and to the edge of her bed, where she sat heavily, her shoulders slumped in exhaustion.
"okay," she sighed softly. "let's get this off."
maddy raised her arms, like a child, as y/n unzipped the top piece from behind her, pulling it off her arms, then pulling the bottom piece down her legs, helping maddy step out of it.
maddy stood bare, in just her underwear, looking vulnerable.
y/n went to maddy's dresser, pulling out a pajama set for maddy, and her own shirt and shorts she had left there. "here," she said, handing them to maddy. "put these one."
they both changed, y/n packing up her stuff. she watched as maddy struggled to remove her makeup, her hands shaking slightly.
"let me," she offered, taking the makeup remover from her. she gently wiped the mascara and foundation from her face. maddy closed her eyes, leaning into her touch.
when she was done, maddy's face was clean and soft. "better?" she asked.
maddy nodded. "don't go," she whispered, her voice barely audible.
"wasn't planning to," she replied softly.
she helped maddy into bed, pulling the covers up to her chin. maddy immediately curled into a ball, her back to her. y/n opted for sleeping in front of her bed.
maddy shifted, turning over and patting the space beside her. "stay with me."
she hesitated for a second before slipping under the covers. the bed was small, and they were pressed close together, their legs tangled together.
"I meant what I said in the car," maddy whispered, her back still to her. "about being scared."
y/n pressed her forehead to maddy's back, her hand holding her waist. "I know."
"it's not an excuse," maddy continued. "I know I hurt you. I hate myself for it."
"you don't have to hate yourself," she replied, her thumb stroking small circles on maddy's waist. "you just have to start choosing yourself."
maddy rolled over to face her, their face inches apart. "what if I can't?"
"you can," y/n said with certainty. "you're stronger than you think."
maddy reached out, her fingers tracing the line of y/n's jaw. "you're the only person who's ever believed that."
"maybe you should start believe it too," she whispered, leaning in to press a kiss to maddy's forehead.
"I'm not going anywhere," y/n promised, wrapping her arms around maddy.
