KaffeeKvetch
Five friends of a certain age gather around for their weekly coffee klatch. Sol, Mel, Murray, Nat and Bernie. Fortunately, or unfortunately, you can listen in.
Murray: Mel, what’s with the 5 O’clock shadow?
Mel: I am on strike from shaving, a silent protest against shaving cream makers.
Nat: and what are you protesting?
Mel: Did you ever notice then when you spritz the shaving cream in your hand, you almost always get too much. You never get the right amount, very rarely too little. If you get too little, then when you try to add more, you end up with way too much.
Bernie: Yes, it’s terrible, happens to me all the time, very annoying. Now, I am having trouble even lifting the can.
Sol: Why is that?
Bernie: My arthritis in my right shoulder prevents me from lifting my arm over my head and now my left elbow hurts so much, I can’t lift a thing with my left arm. The doctor says I have golfer’s elbow. Guy is a quack. Have you ever heard of such a thing. I never touched a golf club in my life.
Sol: Not even chip and putt?
Bernie: Not even mini-golf. Doctor prescribed me heavy dosing of Advil which gave me an ulcer. Now I’m downing Prilosec like candy. A quack I say.
Murray: You know I have a similar problem. I got bunions on my right foot and gout on my left.
Nat: You did look a little wobbly walking in. Sorry to hear of it. Anyone know where I can get a new suit? I have my nudnik nephew’s wedding coming up and Gertie says I can’t wear my old suit anymore. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it myself, still fits like a glove after 40 years, although the last time I had it altered, the tailor said he couldn’t take out the pants anymore. It has a few stains but they are nostalgic from other times I wore it. For instance, the kugel stain from my Uncle Sam’s funeral.
Mel: I got a million-dollar idea. You know what they need to invent is a Teflon suit. Food slide right off, stain proof. Never have to send it to the dry cleaners, wash and wear.
Murray: From your mouth to God’s ear.
Sol: I think it’s called a suit of armor.
Mel: They can go to the moon but can’t invent a Teflon suit? Of course, they could. They just want you to buy a new suit every 40 years. What you would need is one of those instafluencers on Tic Tock Toe or what have you come out and say they want a Teflon suit. It would be made lickety split.
Sol: Here are the crullers to go with the coffee boys.
Nat: Why do you always get crullers? Can’t you once get some eclairs, some nice Danish, a strudel, even a scone. And you never even eat the crullers yourself.
Sol: I don’t like them but I like saying the word crullers when I go in the bakery and when I serve them here. It’s a fun word to say. Crullers.
Bernie: Mel, go easy on the crullers, slow down. Remember we had to call EMS when they got stuck in your throat. I don’t want to call Sadie again to tell her you are on your way to the hospital. Mel, you hear me?
Mel: I hear fine, although everyone mumbles nowadays, and it is time to get my ear wax flushed at the doctors. I just couldn’t answer with half a cruller in my mouth. You would think with my saggy jowls and with fewer teeth, there would be more room in my mouth for food but it doesn’t seem to work that way.
Murray: Nat, where are you going?
Nat: To relieve myself.
Murray: Make it snappy, there is a line forming.
Sol: Murray, why did you have to say make it snappy? You know he has poor flow with that prostate the size of a golf ball, now the pressure will be on him.
Murray: Sorry, I wasn’t thinking. Once in my life I wanted to say make it snappy. Never had the opportunity before. You know, in old movies, they say make it snappy to bellhops, counter people in the diner, etc. but now someone would take offense if you said it. I’d like to go into Starbucks just once and say make it snappy.
Bernie: If you did that, you would need one of those Teflon suits for sure and maybe Teflon shoes. You know if it slid off the suit, it would likely get on your shoes.
Mel: Hey Sol, how was that new restaurant your kids took you too.
Sol: I bit too fancy for me. What kind of restaurant is named daffodils? Nothing on the menu was fried and the unhoused get bigger portions at the soup kitchen. It was too rich for me. Went through me like a herd of stampeding buffaloes. If they could have hooked me up to a power generating station, I would have made more electricity than Niagara Falls. I’m telling you, if the military could weaponize what was going on in my bowels, no one would ever attack us again. Finally felt better after downing a few bicarbonates.
Murray: Here comes Nat. My turn. You got a magazine Sol?
Sol: I’ll give you War and Peace. Open a window when you go in there Murray. Remember what happened the last time. The cat snuck in the bathroom and passed out while you were in there.
Murray: He had a seizure.
Sol: He never had a seizure before or since. He didn’t have a seizure, just open a window.
Nat: I saw a PBS documentary once on Cat Seizures. I’m not sure, maybe it was a History Channel documentary on famous dogs that had seizures or maybe it was famous people who had dogs that had seizures. Or maybe it was about Cat Stevens.
Sol: Myra wanted me to remind you to make sure you took your pills while you were here. She didn’t want you to forget.
Nat: I can hear fine.
Bernie: You know Sol, Murray saves it up for days before coming here just so he can use your toilet paper instead of his.
Sol: Tell me about it. Last time, I had a full roll on and when he left there was only a few squares. Next time, I think I will put one ply in there. That will stop him cold. I went to a fancy NYC hotel recently, $250. a night and they were so cheap they used one ply. Might as well used sandpaper.
Mel: You know it is so aggravating when you get to the end of a roll and you try to get the last few sheets off but it gets stuck and you end up with a few sheets of shredded paper. What is it good for?
Sol: Absolutely nothing.
Mel: Say it again.
Sol: Absolutely nothing.
Bernie: Say it, say it, say it.
All: It ain’t nothing but a heart-breaker.
It’s got one friend, that’s The Undertaker. (Courtesy Edwin Starr)
Mel: You have to get the little paper left on the roll off to recycle the roll and you end up with more shreds. You can’t add the shreds to sheets from a fresh roll. Simply doesn’t work. You know I got another million-dollar idea. Invent a roll where the paper comes cleanly off at the end. People would flock to the stores for it. No one likes those shreds. Can call it A Clean Ending.
Sol: That’s a pretty good one Mel, a clean ending. I’d buy it. You know I think I heard Murray flush 5 times already. I left the snake and plunger out in plain sight just in case.
Bernie: I counted six flushes.
Murray: I feel much better.
Sol: Murray, you look like you lost 5 pounds. I hope I don’t have to call a plumber.
Nat: You know they should make toilet seats with built in scales so you can see what you weigh before and after. I’d like to know. You know I asked my GI man a question that he was totally baffled about. A simple question you would think they would know the answer to but got nada from him.
Mel: What did you ask?
Nat: Given 2 people of equal weight, height and exact diet, if one person goes significantly more than the other, does it mean he is processing food more efficiently or less efficiently than the other guy?
Bernie: That’s an excellent question. Telling you, these doctors know nothing. You know what is a hard decision. You know right before bed, you have somewhat of an urge to go but are not sure and you think you can make it till morning. Your kind of tired, don’t want to make the effort, and want to hit the hay and not bother, especially if it is likely to be a low producer. Then again, you don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night having to go and disrupt your sleep.
Nat: Or be in bed unable to fall asleep because you are worrying if you fell asleep you would have to wake up to go.
Sol: My kids want to take me on a trip to Japan. I told them no because I don’t want to use those fancy toilets with the bidets built in. They don’t use toilet paper. I asked my son, why would I want to get all wet down there and then have my underwear soaked when I put them back up. He said they have built in blow dryers. I said you know how well those hand dryers work in bathrooms. You always have to wipe your hands on your pants to get them dry in the end. Now if you’re in a Japanese home, you can’t just wipe your behind on one of their towels. Certainly, would be an ugly American. Told him I’m not going halfway across the world to offend my hosts.
Nat: You know Harry asked if he could join our group. He seems too cheery for us. Always taking about his time at the gym or pickleball success. I gave him a bit of a brush off.
Murray: He does have that young wife. I don’t think she is a day over 66.
Sol: Well boys, I think it was a good group today. No ambulance calls, no calls needed to the plumber, the cat is conscious, and we came up with some good inventions. Let’s call it a day so we all can go take a nap.