I received an email two nights ago from someone and she has agreed to let me share it, together with the answer I emailed back to her. So here it is. The question is in bold and my answer is beneath it.
Hey,
I saw your hashtag on tumblr and I thought it was a great idea. And I know the point of it is to keep it transparent:
Shame,
I’m so full of it, even till this day. As I’m writing this, I’m still full of shame.
I don’t remember at what age I started curling up under my blanket and watching days of our lives. Whenever anybody kissed, that was my cue to touch myself, I don’t even remember when or how this started.
Even at that age I knew what shame was, so I came up with different identities and as long as it wasn’t actually me but them that was doing all these things, I was good. I was still the perfect happy child.
I turned 11 and went to boarding school, it was there that I learnt my body was ready to bend over backwards at the slightest whisper of ‘I like you.’ Why were those three words so important to me? I became impatient, I wasn’t even willing to wait to hear those words anymore, after all actions spoke louder than words. If they were touching me then surely they loved me. This was my mom’s best friends son who was supposed to be taking care of me in boarding house… Surely he wasn’t going to do anything bad to me.
I changed schools but I was still stuck in old habits, seeking validation from boys who didn’t even actually care about me. As I was slut shamed throughout most of high school, I was living up to it because it is so hard to get like that off you. I didn’t know why I did it, I still don’t. When I was 13, one of my friends boyfriends told me he was almost in love with me and that was like a trigger.He was 17 and therefore more experienced than me. I opened myself up to him in ways that a 13 year old cannot imagine. I’m 18 now and most of my friends aren’t even doing what I was doing when I was 13. Word spread and I became that girl, the girl everyone wants to hook up with but no one actually wants to be with. The ‘don’t tell anyone about us’ girl and I just kind of went with it.
I saw a chance to become someone else, someone I could be proud of and I took it. It’s one of the hardest things to do as there will always be people trying to bring you down and force you to be the person you used to be. I must admit, I get tempted and almost slip into old habits but I remember that I am living for me and my life is my own.
A lot of times, I wish I had a relationship with God because I know my journey would be easier. But I can’t seem to find the link no matter how hard I try.
I don't know whether you've seen my answer to another anon's 'question' last night in which I mention that I wept after reading her story...It was after I had read yours too - both your stories were sent in the same hour.
Now let me tell you why I wept.
I wept because I was overwhelmed by God's love for you two beautiful women. I wept because I was completely broken by your honesty and the privilege you gave me of reading your story and breaking with you. I wept because I hurt at what you've been through, and I wept at relief that God's grace still makes room for you and me. I wept because Jesus is weeping for and with you. At our most broken, He is the completion and the rise after our fall. Masturbation is a sin I still struggle with...by His grace I have been brought so far but I do remember how early sex and sexual stimulation intrigued me. I remember the confusion and the shame and then the frustration. Later on, I started finding reasons to justify my behaviour. Masturbation was just another way for me to rebel against God when I felt let down by Him. I was lonely or I was celibate or I was depressed. Any reason I could think of.
And what i'm referring to is beyond masturbation. You need to stop living for yourself and value yourself as God values you. Live for Him. He will give you every single thing to live for.
If you're as like me as I think (from reading your email), your current feeling towards God is actually rooted in a belief that you are not worth forgiving and not worth fighting for. That belief is a deception, and a death sentence. God has already forgiven you. God still wants you. The shame that you say you are still full of, is there because you have let it stay. No more, sister. No more. You must kick the shame out. It has no longer got a hold of you. Stop reading for a moment, put your laptop/device aside and stand. I want you to say these words:
God, take my shame. All of it. I choose to believe Your promises for my life and I choose to be set free by You. Please take my life and make it into a life that gives You glory and honours You. I declare that You are sovereign over my past and I declare that I am set free through the blood of Your Son. I don't know where to begin but You do, God. So transform me. Show me the way and save me from myself. Save me from these chains. I am going to trust you.
I cannot lie to you, sweetheart. Your life will not necessarily be easier by choosing to follow God. But I can guarantee that you will feel the most alive you have ever felt. You will be transformed into a completely new creation, freed from her past. You will feel joy. You will feel completion. You will be able to trust every detail of your life to the One who holds time and eternally cares for you. You will feel power and you will be powerful. You will know that you are loved forever and ever.
It's your time. It's time.
God knows every single thing you did at 13 and before/after. He saw it all and He still loves you. He is still proud of you. Do you want to begin to trust Him? What is the link that is missing? And what is the chance you took to be somebody you could be proud of? Talk to me. & I'm always here to offer encouragement/just pray for you. Alright?
Thank you again, for your transparency.
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Keep sharing your selves with us. My Ask on tumblr appears to be malfunctioning so if you send in an anon question and don't get a reply in 3 days, please send it again. You can also email me on [email protected] and ask me to share your story anonymously. Or, email me just to have someone hear you.
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Elo. http://theforgetterseye.tumblr.com/post/111509458584/on-this-day-2-years-ago-i-became-a-christian-it …
Sandra. http://sandradeyemi.tumblr.com/post/111723239133/keepittransparent-shame …
Me. http://youngthatiam.tumblr.com/post/111715464086/water …
