I’ve been thinking about death a lot.
This past month has been the hardest for me, emotionally. I am at this point that my mental health is at its worst.
Every day, I have cried myself to sleep. I can’t even stop myself from crying while writing this right now. I am hurt by the people I love. And I feel absolutely alone. I have P, who is far away 95% of the time, but our realities aren’t favored by the universe. In summary, my life is at its worst at the moment and I have been thinking about death a lot.
A few years ago, someone close to my heart committed suicide. He was 16 when it happened. I remember being so mad at people who romanticized his death and posted their stories of how great he was. I guess you get more love when you’re dead. And all I want is to feel loved.
February 14, 2012. I came home from class and went straight to the hospital where my mom was confined. She was diagnosed clinically with severe depression. For a few weeks, we’ve been switching from tita to tita for a place to sleep at night, because my dad can’t take care both my mom and my brother. I remember crying outside the hospital room because I want my family back. After her confinement, things got worse. Christmases, New Years, and even birthdays aren’t celebrated anymore. I even remember my 15th birthday where my dad chose to celebrate his member’s kid instead of mine, because the “ministry” calls for it. We never go out of the house because we might see people from her past and may cause triggers to relapse. And up until now, we avoid going to specific places to avoid seeing specific people. So, at a young age, my younger brother and I had to be independent and take care of ourselves.
2014. I was about to go to college. We didn’t have money because my dad quit from his job and didn’t have any source of income. So, for two years I had to work. During the weekdays, I was an assistant at a firm where I get paid 30 pesos an hour and during Sundays, I was a tutor and a ukulele teacher.
Sobrang hirap. Sobrang nakakapagod.
I paid for my boarding house and when I can, I didn’t ask for allowances and book fees. I did all of that with a fully 7AM - 6PM Monday to Saturday class schedule, while consistently commuting back and forth Cabanatuan to Munoz.
I found a little happiness in playing in a band and doing gigs in local bars. I started only as a cute little uke player and became a little more serious in music last year. I got to do gigs with local indie bands in Manila, and even got to go on the same stage as Clara Benin and Quest. Sadly, my parents disapproved because they believed talents should only be used in the church and nowhere near bars and clubs. And I still don’t get to play gigs up until now.
Present. I am in my last semester of college. Extended because of a faculty that did not bother helping a student with her INC. My family is once again broke because of a lot of income generating ventures that failed.
It hurts me that I am trying to choose my own well-being and the people I love are either against it or just unsupportive. P and I have been wrongfully judged.
Let me phrase it this way: I am not who I want to be and with who I want to be with. I have been told a lot of very painful things. I thought I was redeemed already of my past but I was wrong.
Now, the pain is too much. It’s just too much.
Hindi ko na kasi talaga kaya dahil ang sakit sakit na. Walang araw na hindi ko iniiyak yung nararamdaman ko. Wala eh, ayaw sa akin ng tadhana. Sumuko na sila. Baka ako pwede na rin. Death is such an easy way out, no? A little more of the plus side, no more tears, no more pain, and people will only say good things about you.
Maybe I don’t want to die, I just want the peace that death offers. Sorry, but I cannot say I’m not tempted.
Pahinga lang naman kasi talaga gusto ko eh.
Magiging maayos din ang lahat. You’ll be okay soon. I’ll repeat it over and over again until I believe it.