My Kelly’s Heroes post got literally 1 (one) note so BEHOLD THE UNHINGED REAL NAME HEADCANONS shout out to the 1 (one) whole other KH fan I know @frau-wilhelm-klink
Kelly: James. James Kelly. Normalest name in the group. Even his name is the sane one
Big Joe: You would think it was Joseph, but it's actually Jonas. He has a name that connects to his Greek heritage but it's easier to go by Joe and that's just what the guys started calling him, especially with another 'Joe' around. It makes him laugh a little because he knows his family would be aghast if they heard people calling him Joe like some basic bitch but having a nickname is its own little respect and affection in the army so he kinda likes it.
Crapgame: Tony. Everyone thinks he’s shitting them because that’s too easy but no, it actually just is Tony
Oddball: The kind of guy who just randomly does the most insane lore drops so one day semi out of the blue he’s just like “My real name is Dennis” and everyone’s like fucking. DENNIS?
Moriarty: Shane. He has big Shane energy his parents were right
Cowboy: Everyone’s gonna joke that his name is probably Jedidiah or something but Cowboy’s real-ass name is fucking Zebulon. It’s after Zebulon Pike the general and explorer and he usually goes by Zeb anyway but no one is letting Zebulon go noBODY
Babra: William, but everyone ends up calling him Willie. He thinks going by his surname will help him escape this, but then everyone starts calling him 'Barbara' and sometimes at home people called him Billy Babs poor William someone save him
Grace: Isaac. His name almost feels like a premonition WAIT NOW I’M SAD
Little Joe: His actually is Joseph. He goes by Joe anyway. Starts the Big Joe/Little Joe joke, in fact— you're welcome, Sergeant Big Joe
Turk: His name is Tamer which everybody always pronounces, you know, like that, which is really fucking funny but also annoying to him but it’s not worth correcting people every two seconds so he just lets everyone call him Turk because it’s the 1940s and it’s WWII and no one’s got time to learn shit smh
Gutkowski: Gordon Gutkowski. GG
Petuko: Piotr. How is Petuko the easier half of his name for people wELL he has his Eastern European dad not letting his Puerto Rican mom have shit in this house (save for his genes favoring her and some middle names he’s contemplated going by) to thank for that
