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I really really really need to finally eat. I mean meat and blood, our body had enough food, but I didn't. I'm having violent thoughts. They're so lovely and euphoric, but I can't hurt anyone without permission anyway, so they're useless + they're making my instincts worse. I'm currently losing my mind over vivisections. God. Why.
~Nyx
it may not be very much but i wish you 12
happiness . it maybe hard to cometoterms with everything that has happenedand maybe it is difficult to view yourself as good i like to see you as. a good person ! a
very good person ? person may not be the
word. correct?
(the water has been running for half an hour yet chlorine stains hand)s
you are a good person but your actions . certainly they may not all be as good. personally i believe that you mean well i appreciate how kind you are. if ever you were not a s """good""""" then i am happy to say you've changed and become so lovely to get to know. i have made great conversation with you and your
friends ? if you are close enoughto them to say
i hope i do not put you off but. i would like to just say that i think you are amazing and lovely and. nothing is perfect so saying perfect would be wrong but personally i would love to call you perfect maybe once. my mind re turns to normal. the past should not sadden you. you are here now and & that is wha12 matters most
Ah, what a sickly-sweet honey you're spilling in our ask box.
That's interesting that I'm giving you the impression of a good person considering... everything I've previously written here. However, I'll never view myself as good, only because I don't believe that this adjective is able to describe me. Yes, I changed my behavior, became better and managed to change myself. But I still crave the taste of blood, I still crave violence. I'm still a sadist who finds pleasure in other people's pain. I changed, but, really, some parts of me are still the same. I feel disgusted of myself and I still don't feel any remorse. What's worse, I'd gladly repeat some of my past behavior if I had the chance... Xav, as my partner, would tell you that I'm capable of being sweet, protective, kind and caring, but deeply inside I'm still a monster.
That being said, I still appreciate your ask, really. It's nice to know that to some people I'm not as bad as I think. [But... please just don't call me "good", because it will never describe me well.] I also appreciate that you think I'm so lovely to get to know and that our little conversation means something to you. I also think that the adjectives you're using to describe me are an exaggeration, but considering that Xavery called me perfect and lovely and amazing certainly more than once, maybe, just maybe there might be some truth in your words. Who knows. Maybe regardless of my past behavior, I still can't be considered the worst. Maybe, though I doubt it, there is a chance for me to be saved. [And maybe, just maybe, I should learn how to live with my mistakes, as Orchid once said. But that's a topic for a different conversation, I guess.]
My past will forever disturb and trigger me, it will always make me sad [or just melancholic]. But as you said... I'm alive now, I still haven't died yet and I guess that's a good reason to be at least a little happy [if happiness is even a good word in my situation].
~Nyx
Killian: Intestines really look better in formalin. I speak from my own experience.
Yeaah, Nyx is sometimes like that. No, I won't tell you what our conversation was about (not like I really remember everything...), mainly because it's funnier that way :D
~Wren
Dimension!Nyx and real!Nyx seems like two different people to me, although they're both... me. Thinking about my memories makes me feel like watching some kind of a movie, because wow, that monster brutally killing people is/was actually me? Impossible. But at the same time I feel so connected to dimension!killian like, yes, I just want to hunt without consequences again :(
~Nyx
Ah, just look at my diseased body, look me in the eyes as I poison myself with my own magic and choke on my own blood and tell me, am I not beautiful?
~Nyx
Recently I realized that I'm most likely the only one of my species. I was created by the darkness, our God to fulfill a specific purpose, although I don't really remember what I was supposed to do. And because of that I'm probably the only one. [Well, there's a possibility that the darkness created someone else over the years, but I don't have memories of such a thing, so I assume it didn't happen]. And that's bad. I mean... I kinda hoped that in my dimension, there are more people like me. Because it would make me feel a part of something. Orchid isn't the only one of her species, there are many flowerheads there. But I am. I... don't even know the name of my species, if it has a name at all. I don't know...
~Nyx
Seeing the post that reads "Trust God." in for you section altered my brain permanently /laughing It’s just so so funny, like yeeess, I will trust God, my God which is the darkness, but it's pointless anyway, because it's not a goddamn being that can [and should] be trusted.
~Killian
I want to scream to the void, but the darkness won't listen to my prayers. It never listened there. So it's only logical to think that it won't be able to listen to me here. It's not in this place anyway. I might as well be screaming at the wall. My memories are a chaotic, non-chronological, irrational mess and I don't know what should I do at this point. The past version of me seems more and more like a fever dream and part of me at the same time as my preciously collected regained memories are becoming more and more blurry. I can read what I wrote some time ago, but the words will sound like a lie and imagination. I know that I'm not a good person and I know about some things that I did, but I don't remember any details. The only person capable of explaining them to me still stays silent, wanting to protect me from unimaginable horrors, but I can create false details in my mind and stay disgusted of a creature that is me. I know who I am now and I'm trying to get better, but my past still affect me and managing to live without knowing what happened is just difficult. But I don't want to break the only barrier that protect me from myself, I don't really want to erase my amnesia, because doing so will only mean pain and facing the mistakes of the past, which I'm not ready for. But, really, can I call them mistakes when I did it all while feeling good, even euphoric? I don't know. I really should disappear in the darkness now, but it won't end my suffering. Nothing will end it, even death, because I can't leave this world without answers.
~Nyx
