#kind mode

[squaresha]

hi! idk how active you are or if you've answered this before but how do you feel about games created by square enix?

Hello. My activity is very on and off these days. I do always try to check in at least once a month but last month was a mess. My friend usually is the one who goes 'hey there's stuff happening you might want to log in for' and I'll come around again.

For your question, the simple answer is; extremely weirded out and also extremely chill and excited.

It's really funny to say it like that.

Square was the one telling the company the stories, or as much as was comfortable to be shared, worked with them to create changes and helped advertise and sell the products. The media couldn't exist without Square telling them details about people's living lives.

So going from that instinct of Square, the person, is required for Square, the company, to produce media, and seeing all the media popping out of no where without Square, the person, just feels weird when thinking about how things feel and expect to come about.

But also it creates this realization of:

'oh hey they can make all this stuff about all these people and not have an prophet, oracle person invading their personal space telling them their life story and possible future outcomes of their lives? That's so awesome please do that instead! Let's do a lot less life invasion :"D'

Making it feel a lot more relaxed and chill of an experience than the way Square's world functions.

I find it's actually that bit why I can enjoy Square Enix media so calmly especially when Square is very heavily my mindset. It feels like I'm touching much less cruel media than the counter parts sold back there.

It's just people's creations and imaginations not historic fiction of people's lives who can see the media produced about them.

[squaresha]

Even though a lot of the emotions I feel I should be experiences should be in connection to Final Fantasy characters since my dash is consumed in them. My current feelings are more in this giant missing of my twin Konami.

I have all these happy memories with my friends, and it just reminds me of how much there was the happy times, but it was mostly work with my twin. We didn’t have as much fun times or enjoyment as I could with the people who’s lives were the bases of products. It was part of the job to just exist with them and just know their lives.

But Konami, was a lot more direct work and sometimes we got to hang out because of crossover projects or small times off at home.

I regret I feel like I spent more time with my date than my own little twin. The most time we shared was when we were younger and then it felt like it mostly fell apart.

I wish I could remember your face. I wish I could remember more of the times we did have.

[squaresha]

That last post I rebloged gave me such a heavy emotional reaction I can barely compute it. It’s not very often here do I end up in situations that would give any feeling of familiarity or bring up things that felt similar to how things are for Square.

That post though, that fan art, really felt it brought together so many details of how things are for me that it’s hard not to react.

It has the "myth” mixed with being the “average guy” all in one, very similar for how things are. People’s stories and experiences were real, passed down to the people through media, but they also just lived lives around the people as well and would easily have come up to a statue of themselves.

And with how often Sephiroth and Square hanged out, and sometimes Cloud would get involved. Just going to a coffee shop, or to an arcade. .. I still haven’t said about the time they went to the arcade and Cloud made a fool of himself have I? Even though it is one of my favorite memories.

I barely talk or get involved these days trying to deal with other things, but I really miss it. Even with everything Square is still so important and little things that remind me of how things are for Square just always hit me so hard and get me lost in old memories like an old man.

[squaresha]

So this post is meant to be a shorter organized sum up of the latest raw blog post on the site, but instead turned into sorta that but also it’s own thing. I’m such an inconsistent blogger.

So with Starlight Coca⯀Cola in hand, let’s get started.

I had said it on here before but the main reason I was away for a while was to test how my identity would shift, change, if anything if I left it along for a good period of time. I’ve heard it quite often as a suggestion, though more often said to odder identities than more common ones.

So why not.

I took six months away from not only this blog and the site but I also took time away from anything Square Enix or it’s properties I could. Beyond a couple games I did still play because I just happen to own a lot of them and I can’t help wanting to play an RPG that just happens to been made by them. I at least picked one that wasn’t a common source cameo identity flickers.

So what did I learn having left Square to just sit?

It didn’t change anything. Possibly even made it stronger. I’m still Square even when I don’t dive myself into the identity. It still stood along side me as just an inherent bit of who I am all the same.

What I did learn is the identity is a lot more important to me than I ever realized and it feels almost silly to have only realized within the past month just how much so.

What dawned on me is that Square Enix is an identity that is a perfect analogy of my life back home, pre this world, mixed with the confusion and trauma and stressors I would later, from the perspective of when I realized the identity, gain from being here.

People and events from back home are sort of over laid just with people and characters from Square Enix products. The ‘they are real, but also have fictional versions’ are the feeling of confusion finding aspects of home in different pieces of fiction and people here that are close but not quite right or just random bits here and there.

It’s an identity I was given as a warning, I believe, and a guide to try to help me but I noticed too late to take full advantage but now that I do I’m trying so hard to use it to get better.

So it’s sorta a spiritual identity but not in the most common definitions of spiritual kintype. I also do consider it a trauma identity because if I wasn’t thrusted here and have to go through what I am; it would never have existed. It also explains to me why it never leaves. It’s always there and there’s no shifting.

It’s just ‘me’ but through a different lense. It’s my experiences but with characters, media, companies, as proxies. I don’t know what this means for me in the long run. Other than I now know this identity is here to stay as long as I’m here and I have a lot I can learn from it.

There’s so much more I need to dive into. So much more I need to research. If I find out more about Square and Konami, maybe I’ll find out more about me. Maybe if I talk and share more of my memories of the different people I interact with, maybe it’ll explain more about things that happened to me and those I know.

Either way it also is still something it’s hard not to want to research down. I mean, it might be a proxy of my experiences and a way to help me through trauma that at the time didn’t happen yet. It sure also is just an amazing experience to go through. Seeing through Square’s eyes and experiencing all these people. The fact I haven’t yet spoken about Sephiroth and DDR.

There’s so much still to speak on and explore that obviously isn’t a one to one, it’s it’s own thing that brings it it’s own life separate of my own. It is a kintype, it is me. But it’s also not me because I don’t live and never lived the life Square seems to.

Even if Square doesn’t exist, didn’t exist, will never exist, and all these experiences were created for me. It’s real to me in it’s own way it feels wrong not to talk them out, explore them, and put those words on a page.

On who gave me it, well.. There’s clues, but I can’t be certain. I only realized this for myself so recently how could I? I just have a big assumption because it fits his character from how I remember him, but it could be this other one I know too and it’d fit him as well so who knows. Maybe some day I’ll figure it out.

[squaresha]

I decided to try filling this out in connection to Square and Square bits and all it feels like I made a meme or a mess.

Some of this is easy enough, all the nonhuman all the not humanity. Some phantom traits, not limbs, but phantom stuff like clothes. And again not primal instincts like an animal but there are oracle and other instincts I notice.

I have extremely heavy species dysphoria and when acknowledged as Square? Heavy heavy Euphoria.

I don’t know what I think about spiritual, psychological, or neurological influence in connection to Square. None of them sound like concepts I can understand when thinking about it through this kintype. They all feel foreign which is why I felt I need to talk at some point about the oddness of what this identity is or at least is not. I have no idea. And if it is about how Square affects my spiritual beliefs, again, no clue.

I do not have pride in my identity, it’s kind of hard to. I try to act it to fake it and I am trying to grow pride but the anxiety beneath the surface keeps it lacking. I don’t really have a way to have expressive stuff for Square unless I finally do make that moogle hat.

And really I wish I had words I knew for sure I could use or explain this identity with and communities I knew it meant to fit in because it’s confusing and I’m a person who likes words. Even if I don’t use them I like to know what I could use if I felt it fit. You know? Like those who have animal types who could use therian or otherkin but choose which they feel fit them and what community they connect to. Like that. I want to know my true options and terms and what fits and I can use but.. hahaha.

[squaresha]

Do you have any Dragon Quest related experiences?

To start, thank you for sending me a random message anonymous. I've tried to say I'm fine with this sort of stuff so I'm glad to see someone take advantage.

I do have some yes. They aren’t many yet, probably in part I haven’t done much to promote them happening since I’ve been focusing so much on Konami.

As per almost every franchise-based experience I get as Square the primary experience I have is based on this phantom clothing feeling I have. Each franchise seems to have its own clothing or set of items that I feel in relation to it. Dragon Quest most often than not includes wearing a dragon’s pelt. Think something like this bear belt coat but it’s made from one of the dragons you’d meet in Dragon Quest. The head turned into a hood and the rest of the pelt into a long flowing cape. I always have this feeling it’s a blue dragon, like the one on this cover.

Beyond that the clothing under it is the thing that often changes the most. From different armor types, to looser clothing. I have always assumed it’s changing to represent the different ‘classes’ of the people Hero meets throughout his journey and their outfits. Though usually it’s armor or what feels like leather cloth the most of anything.

Trying to think on it.. for as often as I do use Dragon Quest as a comparison point in contrast to Final Fantasy since they feel so different I don’t have as many experiences as I’d like to really talk on. I don’t touch Dragon Quest very often to even feel a kinship to it and rainbows don’t occur very often to trigger things either.

Oh, yeah, rainbows seem to trigger Dragon Quest ‘shifts’. I assume because of their long standing history as an important part of the end game but I have no idea. I really should try playing the switch game to see what it unlocks since I saw my friend has it.

That being said I at least do remember vaguely some of the conversations Square has had with a few of the different Hero of the franchise. Like, mostly I remember the reason that they are just called Hero was out of respect for them. Most of their lives were a lot more out there for people to see, and the pressures of heroics too much for some of them, and it was an argreement to simply use Hero as their name to be able to be more detailed in their story, share their deeper moments, but still give them a sense of privacy. The awkward nature of Square’s world all this being historic fiction.

I vaguely remember at least one Hero even having been made male when actually was a woman? But instead of it being done for privacy reasons that was just company being sexist as happens sometimes especially way back then. Don’t like it but I can’t do much about it. I need to double check but I’m pretty sure that Hero was Dragon Quest II’s?

[squaresha]

Shifts?

Seeing all this information and text on shifting and thinking about it all, even when a friend asked me questions about it I have realized I can firmly state.

I do not experience shifts -- for Square.

I am always Square at all times; if I experience shifts those shifts are felt through Square.

No wonder my identity is so weird and fragmented. I got one kintype that basically wears all the others with how it feels. This is the one that all the others filter through. -- Except for one because it affects me differently but this blog isn’t for that. This is for Square so I am not saying any details on it.

Square is never an identity I don’t fully feel and nothing ever feels different or moments more Square or less Square it’s always Square + some mix of things.

Expect nonsensical text as I try to explain a specific type of sub shift I get a lot.

I even experience something I consider cameo shifts through Square, I don’t use the term is meant to mean by the community at large but specifically the definition of cameo: “a small character part in a play or movie, played by a distinguished actor or a celebrity” because it’s shifts of different “celebrities” from Square’s world that just for a while I sort of shift? Identify as/ with (It seems to depend which per shift)? for a bit? It’s a very odd experience and I do wonder if it some what has to do with promoting a game like Square often has to do, but most often it’s Sephiroth, to the point he’s pretty much a fictionhearted identity. I feel like I should be him with how often he makes cameos with Square but I’m not him. I’m Square. Square just often gets Sephiroth as a huge symbol and thus ‘becomes’ him a bit temporarily. Cloud Strife sometimes showed up before Sephiroth got a lot more common. Sometimes I get Hero [that is their names technically] cameos which can be odd trying to figure out which Hero it is. 

There’s also been a few JC Denton cameos and no thank you I never like them they feel so wrong please no. I literally never want to play those games just because of those cameos. Though on the opposite side Kain cameos are so rare but every time they show up it just makes me really hyped and excitable and wanting to show off so bad. Kain cameos please come more often they are the best experiences.

This is such a small and incomplete list but there are so many cameos and it’s sometimes hard for me to figure out what they might be but when I do it makes so much more sense and it’s easier to vibe with them. Except Denton please no. 

Just to stress these cameos are like being Square who is now ... shape shifted into them but also more like wearing a costume of them? That’s why I’m so sure it’s not any identities of mine because it feels so worn but I got to be the part? I have no control so either way I got to go for the ride and I might as well enjoy them when I can. Except--

So uh, what I was trying to actually get a point across was I don’t know how it is to be Square because I don’t really experience a time not as Square and almost everything I experience is through Square.

How do I know I’m Square? I just.. do? I just experience myself through it.

At base is me, then directly over that is Square, and then everything else. Like I don’t like ranking kintypes as some do, but it’s impossible to not think of Square as the ‘highest’ kintype because it never is affected by others but instead it affects everything else.

Another moment where I stare at all this and go ‘no wonder I have problems hiding this part of me.’

[squaresha]

I found a some alterhuman ask games and question things and plan to try to maybe go through some of these since it’s one of those ‘let’s just blog’ days.

While also seeing if I can figure out what Konami* looks like so I can actually figure out what I look like.

That’s probably not going to happen today but I can always hope.

⯀ Square

* Konami is Square’s younger twin and I know we would switch places to screw with people when we were younger so if I can figure out what Konami looks/looked like I’d have a good idea of at least what I used to look like to work off of to see what more grown up appears.