#kismesis question

[davepetas-quadrantadvice]

This is kind of a stupid scenario to be in but, here we are haha, I've been in a very happy matespritship for more than a year now and I for one know how easily I get hate crushes so I've asked him before if he approved would kismesis be okay by him (hes has people cheat on him before and I don't want him to think id do that of course) and it's been mostly quiet in blackrom zone, but I have a huge hatecrush on someone who doesn't even know what kismesis is, and I have no idea what to do 1/2

2/2 the way he talks to me when we interact is like, the exact level of hostile banter that just makes me do the big angry dokis, and my boyfriend even said he approved of the dude, but I don't know how to explain I or if I pursue it, so i guess how do I just like. Deal? Cause im at a loss             

That’s quite a purrdicament furend!

First of all I’m supurr proud of you fur talking about this to your matesprit befurhand! That sounds like a healthy relationship and I’m so happy fur you fur having it!

With folks who don’t know about it, I’d say introducing them to Homestuck is purrobably out of the question unfurtunately considering its large and daunting nature. But the concept of a relationship based on mild animosity isn’t entirely inhuman, especially if you see some of the old songs like this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOnSO7vJCTg

And the concept of polyamory isn’t too foreign either, nor is, well, furends with benefits to a degr33.

Whether or not it’s something you want to purrsue is up to you, but I will advise to k33p in mind that sometimes vacillation is prone to happen regardless of how smoothly a kismesstitude seems to be going-- and you may want to consider how efurryone might handle that situation should it efur arise, which is a relationship and expectations of an entirely diffurent caliber. (And vacillation can happen one-sidedly fur either of you two; that’s a huge part of why it n33ds to be considered. If it’s pawsible to have efurryone in the same room/chat when you discuss this if you take this route, do it! Efurryone being on the same page and witnessing the way you interact with one another is supurr impurrtant.)

If you’re unsure how your hatecrush might react to any advances beyond what you’ve already both made, you could pawsibly simply bring in the fact that your boyfurend is okay with you having a “partner” to a degr33 (how far you both will go I’m assuming is betw33n you and your boyfurend, of course.) And add in a wink or something if you want. His respawnse to a mention of that, even an indrect mention/not outright aimed at him, should give you a purretty good idea of how he might f33l about such a thing. And then you can decide from there!

But you’re also allowed to not purrsue this. If you f33l hesitance, or sense your boyfurend might not be as okay as he’s trying to be about it, or if you just don’t think you’re ready fur a kismesstitutde even if your hatecrush s33ms purrfect-- that’s okay. You don’t always have to act on f33lings you have. It’s best to trust your gut, but if your gut says go fur it then go fur it! And if your gut says to wait, you should wait.

Kismesstitudes are unconventional and can be hard to navigate, but treating it like polyamory or an “open relationship with prior-discussed limits” is purrobably the easiest way to explain it if nothing else, and definitely the type of communication you should be using! I’m supurr happy that you have a boyfurend who’s understanding of your pitch n33ds. K33p up the good work communication-wise! And remempurr-- no matter what course of action you take, communication is what’s impurrtant. You’re already off to to a great start, though. I’m pawsitive whatefur choice you make will be the best choice fur you. Good luck!!!

TLDR;

Approach explaining it through the concept of open relationships or polyamory (something more human, at least, than Homestuck)-- and check my kismesis question tag if you’ve got the time claws I think I wrote something else about it a long while back that might be useful to you! But most impurrtantly, trust your gut and remempurr that you don’t have to act upawn f33lings. But if you want to and trust it to go well, you’ve already discussed this with your matesprit so in that regard you’re A-OK!

Good luck to you!!! I get the f33ling you’re gonna be just fine, furend, even if you don’t wind up with a kismesis.

[davepetas-quadrantadvice]

i seem to be in a bit of a pickle with me and my kismesis's relationship has been going great but recently i think my feeling have been changing from the usual hate/rival kinda feeling to being more submissive. this isn't my first time having these feeling or being a sub but this is the first time its happened to someone i thought of as a rival and i really dont know what to do. she's not into that stuff which i understand and taunt her for and i really like her as my kismesis what do i do?

Please furgive my late respawnse! I wanted to give you the best answer pawsible.

I have several diffurent suggestions that appurroach it in diffurent ways, but it is up to you ultimately, of course, to decide what makes the most sense to you and what fits your f33lings and situation the best.

I think the first thing you should do, is purrobably ask yourself why you k33p defaulting to submission, even in a kismesstitude. If it was only physically, it would be of no real concern. But beclaws it’s emotional, that means something is happening in the rivalry to make you f33l, subconscious or otherwise, that you aren’t their equal. And even if your f33lings are pitch, that’s not a furry good mindset to have!

You mentioned that this isn’t the first time it’s happened, too– but the first time as someone you liked in as a kismesis. So as much as I hesitate to ask, I do have to bring this up: Are you sure your f33lings are pitch? All the same f33lings of rivalry exist in a matespritship. That’s where vacillation will often come into play! Do you like her as your kismesis, or do you like being in a quadrant with her? It is furry, furry common to mistake the two concupiscent quadrants fur one another, and as they are so closely intertwined it’s also understandable.

As fur what you can do about it, I would say take a w33k or so to figure out your f33lings befur appurroaching her about your concerns. As with all quadrants, it’s impurrtant to know you are both on the same page in regards to what you are f33ling, but it’s just as impurrtant to make sure you know what page you’re on first. Throw some hate songs on, throw some love songs on, and do your best to work through what you f33l.

TL;DR

First you n33d to do a lot of interospection, as to what you’re f33ling and why, both in regards to yourself and in regards to your quadrantmate. Make sure you have your f33lings into something resembling a concept befur bringing it up to your rival– open and honest communication may be impurrtant, but most of the time you n33d to understand your f33lings befur you can understand your relationship.

Good luck anon! Please tell me how it goes, or if you have any additional questions!

[davepetas-quadrantadvice]

Any ideas for a pitch date? Specifically activities (in person or long distance) that aren't too focused on playing nice *or* fighting? We tend to verbally banter enough to make cooperative activities difficult, but anything too fighty can go downhill fast (and we both recognize that and are able to stop before it gets too bad, please dw!) So basically not too heated, but not too friendly

Hmmm, furgive me fur being rather out of the loop in regards to games nowadays, but I think your best option would be a two-player (vs NPC) team game!

It would purrvent you from actually fighting, as it’s a team game, and the “forced” coopurration should make fur a healthy amount of animeowsity.

Games like L4D and Borderlands are of debatable pawpularity nowadays, but those are the type I’m thinking of-- you don’t have to be too near to eachother, or even necessarily n33d the other’s teamwork, but begrudgingly it would make it easier fur the other.

I can’t think of anything else at the moment, but I do have a datetime tag fur just this sort of thing if you want to check out my other replies!

I hope this was what you were looking fur, and I wish I was better fursed in games and such. Let me know how it works out, and good luck to you furend!

[davepetas-quadrantadvice]

How common is it for a relationship to swap between flushed and pitch (in the instance I'm thinking of, over and over and over, back and forth and back and forth--)

What you’re thinking of is called vacillation, furend!

I can’t attest to its commonality in regards to human relationships, but in troll relationships it’s quite common. (You can actually s33 the canon example and explanation fur vacillation here if you’d like!) https://www.homestuck.com/story/4712

Howefur, there is a point when such vacillation requires an auspistice. If it’s too frequent, and the two (I’m assuming two in this instance) people involved have a sort of a rushed f33ling, or are never able to quite “settle” into the quadrant befur it vacillates again, that’s when things become an issue.

But regular vacillation-- think w33ks or months rather than singular w33ks or even days-- is very common and actually completely healthy! Especially if there’s others in the mix, because then you can be flushed for A while being pitch for B, and when you become pitch for A you can become flush for B. It works that way so there’s no conflicting or clashing f33lings, and trolls are never made to have to “choose”.

TLDR;

Quite common fur trolls, but only within a certain extent and determined by the sp33d and timing of the vacillation itself.

I hope I answered your question to the extent you were looking fur, anon! If you’re looking fur a more specific answer or it’s refurring to a less than hypothetical scenario, please f33l fr33 to ask again! The answer may change the more infurmation I have, and I’m always down to answer questions.

[davepetas-quadrantadvice]

What are good online activities to do with a kismesis? (I know Lichess is a good online chess website but i want some other ideas)

Sounds like you’re in fur a fun hatedate, anon!

Let’s s33, I think there are a few fr33 multiplayer games on steam-- (I know of at least one that’s a fighting game, called “Brawlhalla”)-- and in a similar vein, because I know that it’s popular, sharing a minecraft server with your kismesis might be fun, because rather than just fighting constantly you can also build, and wreck what your kismesis has built, and stuff like that.

There’s also a site called “drawpile”-- I can’t find which site is the correct one, but you can collaborate on drawings; I imagine that’d wind up looking something like either early Terezi and Dave collaborations or, depending on your mood, like this:

As well as that I know that you can watch movies in synch on rabbit!

That’s about all the ideas I know of for certain, but I’m sure that you can build off of that sort of thing. I hope you have a fun time!

[davepetas-quadrantadvice]

I’ve been thinking about trying to find a Kismesis to prevent myself from having a Karkat-like Kismesissitude with myself, but I don’t know how I could go about that and how I could make sure the relationship doesn’t become abusive.

Oh my-- that s33ms to be quite a question, furend!

If you haven’t already, I’d advise you to go through my kismesis question tag and my datetime tag-- as well as having canon examples of what is and isn’t abusive, there are also several real life examples, which may even be more helpful to you!

As fur k33ping a kismesstitude healthy, I’m glad you’re considering that first and foremost! The biggest thing is to make sure that there are no imbalances in the relationship that can’t be matched with some other feature. (The best example there being brain vs brawn.) Make sure your pitch interest has the capacity to f33l pitch right back, since not all humans can, and make sure that they are in the right mindset and mentally sound enough to enter a healthy kismesstitude without it harming their psyche in any way.

Unfurtunately, I don’t think that I can help with how to find a kismesis! I would recommend starting, as with any relationship, having it be somebody you already know-- howefur, that doesn’t mean that those you do know are good candidates! You could pawsibly try forums of some sort, though, specifically ones that center around Homestuck-- and be sure to make your intentions clear! There’s a diffurence betw33n being mean and hateflirting, after all. (Hateflirting has more roots in teasing and poking at what the pitch interest says than it does offhand comments.)

That being said, I’d like to add a cautious reminder that entering a relationship hoping it will fix a problem you are having (be it a f33ling of emptiness, like how people do with redrom-- or that of self-hate)-- might not be the healthiest way to go fur either you or your potential pitch interest. In fact, it’s a good way to cause an imbalance in the relationship from the start-- like how Karkat and his different-timed selves n33ded Jade to break them up, or, in worse cases, like Terezi and Gamz33.

Kismesstitudes are relationships, after all, even if they’re pitch. And while there’s nothing wrong with a fling or two, you should purrobably consider why you’re entering the relationship! Do you really want a kismesis? Or are you avoiding a larger purroblem?

I won’t stop you from purrsuing anything, of course-- that’s a question only you can determine, after all! But I will ask you to please be careful with it! And above all, remempurr: If you aren’t enjoying a relationship, you purrobably shouldn’t be in it.

TLDR;

The best way to make sure a kismesstitude isn’t abusive is to make your intents clear and not purrsue anything with a pawer balance that cannot be checked-- and make sure that you’re in a kismesstitude beclaws you want to be and are enjoying yourself with it!

[davepetas-quadrantadvice]

in a caliginous relationship of sorts, is anyone supposed to feel insecure or inferior vs the other person? Is it unhealthy for a person with low self esteem to enter a kissmessitude (or however you spell it ugh)? Would that just make their mental health deteriorate? If a person sees this in their ♤ partner, is it still a caliginous ship if they comfort and reassure them of their worth?

Don’t worry about the spelling anon, even with my own vast knowledge I’m still constantly misspelling things! ;BB

Generally speaking, I’d say you purrobably shouldn’t be in a kismesstitude with somebody you think is better than you. (Unless that refers explicitly to a skill.) It creates a furry unhealthy dynamic; the foundation of kismesstitude, beyond hatred, is rivalry, which requires the two individuals to be equal. And you purrobably can’t act like an equal in a relationship where you don’t f33l like one.

As fur low self-est33m, that’s entirely dependent on the individual! You can have low self-est33m and still hate a purrson. So long as the blackrom interest there isn’t one fur unhealthy mind games (beclaws there are ways to go about it healthily) then it should be purrfectly safe!

Believe it or not, kismesises can reassure their partners of their worth just as other quadrantmates can! The diffurence lies within how they go about it. A kismesis isn’t going to shooshpap their partner (in fact it would purrobably be s33n as a gross violation if they did); but they can definitely give what I believe are called “backhanded compliments”, or whatefur the refursal of that is! In fact, sometimes this can even be one of the reasons fur their hatred, in that it might infuriate them that their pitch partner can’t s33 or won’t s33 how good they are at a purrticular thing.

TLDR;

You shouldn’t be in a kismesstitude with a purrson if you don’t f33l as if you can be their equal in one way or another, beclaws it won’t be healthy.

And kismesises can reassure their partner of their worth and still be pitch, so long as the way in which they go about their reassuring (which will purrobably be “disguised” somehow, even if poorly) isn’t done in a red manner.

[davepetas-quadrantadvice]

Can a matespritship, moirallegiance, and kissmessitude be polyamorous? AND! Can an ASHEN relationship involve more than three people? What would that imply? A polyam black ship with one auspistice, or maybe a monogamous black ship with two or more auspistices? Is that a thing? Is it healthy or even still in the boundaries of the ashen quadrant?

Yes, yes, and yes! Each individual quadrant can be poly, just as you can identify as a certain identity for each individual quadrant, and red, black, calliginous, and conspicuent quadrants respectively.

I’d say an ashen relationship can purrobably be poly as well! As fur what that might entail, I’d say both of what you gave as examples could be correct. And, since there are multiple ways to be poly, I can s33 both of those being purrfectly healthy! Inter-quadrant boundaries can be blurry and smudged anyways.