Aug 12, 2024
Yk if those two trucks really put their minds and hearts into it im sure they could do so much more and better
seen from China
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Yk if those two trucks really put their minds and hearts into it im sure they could do so much more and better
Hate when people tell me to smile. Shut the fuck up, I will put eggs in your mouth
My sleep was alright for a little while, I was able to sleep solid. Still only 4 hours a night, but it was all at once. It's back to about half hour increments with 2-4 hours a night, and flooded with the same nightmare. I hate to say it but I think it's another prophecy. They left me alone for 2 years and now they're back, and this is not only the worst but most insistent one, and I'm not sure the world is prepared. I pray to whatever is out there that I am wrong. That this is just another nightmare. Cause if I'm right, it's going to be devastating. I don't know exactly how, but it bears a different theme. It's not a natural disaster, it's a man-made horror.
i want a packer thats loud so everyone can hear the ring ting ting of my massive jingle balls
"I happen to like both piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, dont hmu"
Skeletons are the gateway drug to the spooky
You are a fragment of the infinite cosmos, but a small part of the collective; energy, great energy, makes up your existence, and upon your departure to the collective you return. Do with your life what you will. Your soul will return and take the form of another with time and time alone, for in another realization of our universe there are trillions of forms you can take :)
One of the harder things I've been trying to do is learn how to not just accept myself, but love myself. If you know me, and my past, im sure you can understand that this isn't an easy thing for me. I've lived surrounded by hateful people who have a habit of seeing the bad in everything and are also rather manipulative. This means i don't have a great sense of, not necessarily right and wrong, but truth and lies, and that i also see all the bad in me. Mom has made some growth, but that doesn't means she's perfect, and some days i don't know which version of her im talking to until she starts heavily suggesting im a demon again or starts rambling about reptilians. These are both actually rather intense triggers for me, and im not proud of it, but just starting to thing about the reptilians is starting to make me panicky, and part of my journey is learning to respect myself for what brings me shame.
I am a man who has lived an uneasy life. I don't have a strong sense of trust in certain matters. I tend to have issues relenting control, which is a serious problem i've been working on. I have a number of unusual fears and beliefs. Some things in my life have been genuinely traumatizing where no one would expect trauma should be able to be formed. When was the last time you heard of someone who had emotional flashbacks because someone accused obama of being an evil alien? I have an unusual set of things which i can and cannot stand. I can't take a compliment because they always feel backhanded or ingenuine and gifts make me feel in debt to the giver, but feel free to beat the shit out of me i genuinely don't care. As my journey involves learning to respect these differences, it means not beating myself up when i find myself unable to match others. It means stepping outside of myself and hearing the negative voices and correcting them, and talking to myself like i would a close friend; no, i am not a failure because someone calling me pussy makes me want to cry when any other vile shit just makes me laugh. You've seen this specific word used in a way hat was specifically designed to hurt you for the ways you arent like others. Your pain is valid, and instead of beating yourself up over that which you can't control, why don't we learn to make this easier to deal with? You too are allowed to feel this pain. No, you do not need to degrade yourself for forgetting so ething youve known your whole life again. You know you have these memory issues, and you're still living a mostly capable life in spite of this, and thats something to take pride in; others in your situation may not be able to. We should honor them for their capabilities just the same as we should yours. Treating myself this way has provided me the ability to recontextualize my own thoughts, and while correcting the negativity is a forever work in progress, it does get easier with time.
Along with this, learning patience with myself is also a tough task. Being raised with harsh and unforgiving critics, i am a perfectionist, which means i struggle to forgive myself when i mess up and may give up entirely out of sadness and frustration. Getting over this involves a lot of learning to recognize that failure, too, is a part of learning, and that not everything thats not a success is a failure. These two terms are as subjective as good and evil in many cases, and while perfection is unattainable, the ability to recognize my attempts as flawed but workable isn't. Again, speaking to myself as i would another is key here. Its okay that you weren't able to get this leg right on the first try. Progress can't happen without movement and movement can't happen without time. Your imperfections do not mean failure, they just mean opportunity for another attempt, and with every error we can observe why we don't like it and what we can do to make it closer to our goals.
And one of the final things that has been difficult for me is learning to let go. I don't mean in grudges, i mean in the things that i hate about myself. This has been the hardest part so far, because it requires an intense breakdown of myself and all the things which make me, me, amd all the things that make me unhappy about that. Learning to let go of these things is like trying to let go of a jagged rock on a cliffs edge, because these things are, in fact, fundamental to my being, and to eliminate them would be to destroy a part of myself, but on the contrary, hating them is only hurting me, like acid in a vile, it will erode over time. Acknowledging the things i dislike and not necessarily learning to love them, but learning not to hate them, is the first step. An example of this; i hate my weight. I like to say i don't to try and help me overcome this, because really, i know im not getting rid of my belly, but it does make me unhappy. Breaking down why involves a lot of elf reflection. Why do i hate my weight? And a question like this can be heavily multi-faceted. I hate my weight because mom taught me that being fat is painful. I hate my weight because society expects cookie cutter people and we live in a world full of too many deserts for a cookie cutter to fit everyone. I hate my weight because it goes to show the difficulties i have with my mental health in a multitude of ways; depression manifesting in the lack of energy to fix it– Addiction manifesting in the alcohol that i haven't dropped the weight from– A bit of both and my trauma in the things i eat to take my mind off memories i cant stand to see for the 50th time today– The guilt that cones with caving to my bad habits when i know better. How does obe correct this? First, i need to learn to eliminate the hate. Correct the hate. And that involves breaking down expectations of myself and understanding that prejudice against me is also prejudice against people i love. Yes, being overweight can be painful to some, but not everyone. Many people live happy, healthy, fulfilling lives while being at least as, if not moreso, overweight than me, because weight is not a direct correspondence to health, and not everyone can or is willing to drop the extra pounds. My struggles are part of what makes me human,and while my coping mechanisms may not be healthy and my mental problems do have a rather severe impact on my quality of life, i am actively learning how to improve these things, and my habits can be kicked so i may continue to enjoy the things i do without them consuming my life. Societal expectations of me aren't much i can do about, but how i handle them is, and in finding others like me and people who like others like me, im learning to recognize that my differences can still be appreciated and loved even when the majority of people don't necessarily agree with people like me for being me. There is much more than just my weight which i hate about myself, but this is my example right now. In time, i wish to learn more than just not hating myself for my differences, but also tolerating and even loving myself for them. The first step is always the hardest though, ad so means letting go; of hatred.
I am cringe. I am different. I am in pain. But i am still me. I still deserve to be treated with respect. And in learning to respect, accept, and appreciate me for me, i am becoming a better person, and realizing a way to love more than ever before.