#kvrnjwritesalittle

[kvrnj]

Story Time with Kaav (Chapter 3: Ready to Raise Hell)

By the weekend, all the chaos had settled down into different corners of my dorm room and wiped away with damp cloth. I was feeling recharged and ready to try again, and I could not be more grateful for that feeling.

And then I found this in my unfinished notes:

“freedom is a scary word, reverberates in my mind like peace and trauma.

i am still doubting whether to dip my toes into its lake, but i am terrified of the infinity i might encounter. maybe this is why i am scared of eagles - they bow to no one and the sound of their wings flapping into the river is enough to give me gooseflesh. maybe i am a predator who has mastered the art of pretending to be prey.”

I haven't stopped thinking about it since. I have always found safety in my own meekness, or in my will to please other people. It's just become a skin I know too well at this point - an emotional attachment. This weekend, however, while fumbling back home - I broke through. It was strange, and peaceful and fantastically motivating. Breaking through doesn't feel like everything you've dreamed of at once- it's more like little doses. A glimpse at the truth, just enough so you know that it's there and you were right all along. I'm finally comfortable with believing in my own confidence - it's something that's constantly shrouded my mind, but the idea of asking to be centre stage seemed ridiculous. 

This weekend, over greasy burgers and cheesy fries, I realised that my fear is only so big in my own head. In fact, while trying to explain it to a friend, I found myself scratching to find words. I'm an awkward person, but I pride myself on articulation if nothing else.

A life tip I've always followed: If you can't explain something to a six year old, you haven't understood it well enough.

People who've interacted with me will realise this is why I'm so quiet: I either find no reason to ask questions (because I've understood it) or I'm trying to consolidate information to fit into a second grader's head. I find this is a really great way to look at the world around us and actually know what we're talking about.

So when I had no idea why I was scared of freedom, the only possible conclusion was that I had convinced myself that I was terrified of such a thing, but in reality, it's my sole mode of operation.

I've always taken sure steps, but been afraid to wake other people up with them.  Now, I'm ready to raise hell.

[kvrnj]

Story Time with Kaav (Chapter 2: A Period of Frustration)

An aching body, splitting head, and starving insides is not a good feeling to wake up to on a Sunday. Working with only my left calf and my right thigh, I somehow managed to propel myself through the day. I must have been something to behold: a lean-framed girl smelling of forest, coconut shampoo, sweat, and Deep Heat.

There was no way it could've gotten worse, right?

As the great philosopher Justin Bieber once said, never say never. I got my period, which effectively meant that whatever parts of my legs worked decided to shut itself down for the rest of the week. I remember dragging myself through college, and genuinely feeling envious of one of my classmates, who in an unfortunate turn of events, broke her foot and required crutches to walk around.

While she was in complete denial of needing said crutches, my eyes were constantly darting towards them - like some kind of middle school crush (you know, the kind where you lock eyes for a second and one of you is a mess of butterflies and the other has no idea why you have such a staring problem?)

On Monday morning, I got to class late - and it was the same class that took us on that forest field trip - and was told I wouldn't be getting attendance. In some way, it was fair because my professor had informed us of this policy at the start of the semester, but all I could think of was the irony of me losing out on attendance because I decided it was a good thing to possibly save one of my classmates from being stranded in the hills at dusk.

It's okay, I thought. There's still the rest of the day to go. Keep it positive, Kaavie! You can do this!

For whatever reasons, I have a very immature bias against that class right now. Call it whatever you want, but I'm allowing myself this caving in to basal needs. Transcendence comes in stages.

Now, a thing about PMS: it's different for everybody. I know women who don't feel a thing, and can go on for that week absolutely fine. I also know women who cannot get out of bed, or cannot filter their thoughts throughout the day, or have to ingest heavy dosage painkillers simply to stand up straight and fake a smile.

I just cry a lot.

I get moody and watch Disney movies to keep myself sane, and more often than not, make more bad decisions to just keep my personal streak going.

This week was more difficult because of the lack of mobility, sleep, and general hectic work life. Keeping to my resolutions for the year, I have decided that nothing besides excellence is going to be enough for me - I'm tired of being just good enough of a wallflower.

Caught in the crossfire of extreme expectations and a failing body and mind, I broke down in my room by Thursday. I had missed four classes that week just from exhaustion, and lost my way in the ones I had attended. I wasn't on top of my game, and this threw me into confusion, manifesting itself into listening to Billy Joel’s Goodnight Saigon on repeat and crying to myself in my room for a good couple of hours. 

More than anything, I was scared. Scared of suddenly receding into the person I used to be. Shrinking back into the skin of the person I thought I'd left behind for good.

I guess when you're trying to transform into the heights of your potential, it's easy to get caught up in your own failures - but the most crucial thing we forget is that while you're beating yourself up for past decisions, you're losing out on time to find new ways to better yourself. Through all our talk of motivation and pushing ourselves forward, we miss out on the fact that if we don't take a step back, exhale, and redefine where we're going - we might just run up and down the same hill twice in one night.