Gods i hate cattle now
Hey all;
So once again it’s been a pretty long time since I last updated this stupid diary thing, first let me just say that once again it’s all Hera’s fault, seriously if it wasn’t for her I would’ve been back months ago, but no she insists on making my penance hell and her own wicked version of a game.
Should probs start from the beginning shouldn’t I (and I should stop getting ahead of myself I keep doing it, stupid Heracles!). So to get to Erytheia out in the middle of freaking nowhere I had to cross the Libyan desert, and let me tell you right now, that was not a fun time. At one point I got so delirious from the heat and so overcome with anger (this diary is helping but I am by no means cured of my anger problems people) that I legit shot an arrow into the sun. Apparently my dedication to my task and my courage Helios, the sun, gifted me with a sweet as golden cup that I could use to sail to Erytheia. Praise be to the gods! I honestly wasn’t entirely sure how I was going to make it to the island otherwise.
As soon as I landed on the island however I was confronted by Geryon’s cursed guard dog; Orthus, a vile little two –headed creature. He wasn’t the big of a deal tbh, I just smacked him around with my club and he was down and out; and when Eurytion, the herdsmen for Geryon’s cattle, attempted to assist the dog I dispatched him in the exact same manner. What a piece of cake. Unfortunately for me however Geryon evidently had heard the commotion caused by dealing with other two and came charging out to greet me fully decked out with armour, and spears for each head. He was actually a lot easier to deal with then I had imagined, I just thank the Gods that I chose to dip those arrows in the foul blood of that Hydra all that time ago because boy do they take monsters out like no other.
Ironically it turned out that the hardest god damn part of this labour would turn out to be actually escorting the stupid cattle back to Eurystheus, I hadn’t expected it would be too hard, I mean c’mon it’s just a bunch of cattle???? I’d already dragged back numerous other creatures to Eurystheus in these dumb labours without too much difficulty. Oh how very very wrong I was. First of all two of Poseidon’s sons decided that they rather fancied the heard for themselves and tried to thieve it off me; while not so much as a problem for me, it was still a nuisance having to take the time to kill them. Oh no the real trouble started when I got back to Greece. Not that it was even my fault to be fair, Hera apparently has decided to up her game and meddle in my penance more frequently than before. Freaking great. Turns out trying to manoeuvre a big bunch of cattle isn’t exactly as easy as I had previously thought but it was manageable to being with; until that bitch decided to send a gadfly to annoy the ever loving shit out of cattle, biting them and scattering them across the entire Zeus-damn country. Meaning that, lucky me, I had the honour of chasing the damn things down again, which is why its taken me a good solid year to return to this diary.
And if that wasn’t enough, Hera also decided to send a flood to make the river I had to cross impassable with all of my cattle. Lucky for me though I have excellent problem-solving skills and I showed that wicked goddess I wouldn’t be put off by her petty games; so I threw tonnes of stones into the river until it was shallow enough for me and my herd to safely cross to return to Eurystheus. I was fuming once I did eventually reach Eurystheus however as the great oaf decided to sacrifice the fine herd to the very goddess who made my journey with them back so difficult in the first place. Like, really????? She snubbed you once, is that really a good idea pal?!
Gods I’m tired from all that running around after cattle, if it hadn’t been for the Hydra and stables mishap this would’ve been my last labour in this accursed penance, but as it is my next labour is to fetch the golden apples Hera gave to my father as a wedding gift. On one hand im happy im stealing something of Hera’s giving but on the other hand I’m a little apprehensive of how Dad might handle this, this could take some scheming but I’m sure I’ll inevitably work something brilliant out as always.
To finish off, have a fine pic of me trying to herd some of the stupid runaway cattle:
Heracles out.
