#lamestory

[mysorryexcuseforajournal-blog]

Self-made Injuries

I like telling people that I've fractured my skull because it makes me feel so metal but the story of how it happened is so ridiculous like I was just 5 years old and before class started we decided to play blind tag and since I was the least liked every one chose me to be 'it' so they put a hat on my head and made me run around trying to tag someone blind and well basically I ran headfirst into a tree.

no concussion, I just fractured my skull. a five year old. by running into a tree.

[whiskeyes]

I was sitting in my geology class sometime last week and my teacher said something that just really impacted me. he was talking about Newton's three laws of motion; (and maybe you do or you don't know these, but here they are) the first one is "Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it". Which describes how i felt for the longest time until you (the external force) came to move me. it wasn't a sudden change or push that made me change direction. it was those little gestures that made me move. 

[nocoolknickname]

#LameStory 12: Pay For You

Alright meet Michael Donald. Michael is dating Bonita. Michael and Bonita hae been together for a while. it all started there sophomore year. Well that’s basically when everything in Michael’s life took off. His grades started coming together he was active in the SGA, really cool guy. But the biggest thing was his athletic career! Michael was an All-American his sophomore and junior year so naturally all of the girls flocked to him. The thing was Michael wasn’t your average football player. He was a pretty decent guy and he didn’t want all of the girls attention he was satisfied with Bonita’s. So he’s with Bonita and he’s on the road to the riches. Everything is going good right? He’s living the life. Wrong.(its a LameStory you know its not all gonna be good c’mon dude). its his senior year in high school and he blows his knee out! Completely shatters it! He has to have reconstructive surgery and all of his athletic scholarships are G O N E! He’s in the hospital depressed. The thing he loved the most was gone but its ok because the PERSON he loved the most is still here. He cant wait to see his sweet pea, the apple of his eye. She’s the only reason he keeps on coming home and all that other bogus lovey dovey crap we feed our metal potential spouses that we date for two days and never talk to again without formally breaking up. Well anyway he’s waiting on her to visit but she never does. finds out she has started dating the quarterback at their rival school. He was a really big star in the city too. Predicted to go D1 and to be making B A N K in a couple of years. (Gosh I hate quarterbacks). But its ok. 5 years later Michael has a job at a big business making a pretty decent salary. He has a new woman and she’s making pretty good money herself. Well one day Michael gets some bad news. The company is downsizing in the fall and well Michael’s services are no longer needed. He drives home and tells his fiancé about the situation. She says its ok but two days later she’s gone and has cleared out his account! (Can you see the trend? if he was richer he would’ve kept em). Well Michael isn’t an idiot he notices the trend and he’s done with love. I mean he has an entirely new mission. He knows what he wants and his ambitions change. He’s no longer in pursuit of a woman. I mean he has adopted the mentality that women are only good for one thing, making him feel jolly when he’s lonely. Well Michael hits it big one day. He lands this big job at a fortune 500 and he’s making B A N K! Top of that he’s going into politics. State senator and everybody knows his name. When he announced that he was running his friends take him out to a club. Its a club in the middle of no where so no one will know who he is. Well at this club he meets Jessica. Jessica is SUPER FINE! I mean athletic build. Nice eyes, thick legs (my dream woman) well they hit it off. They start talking and everything and they exchange numbers. On the way home Michael and his friends are talking about the night out and he tells them about the number. He laughs balls up the paper and throws it away (she wrote her number down on a napkin he put his number in her phone) He explains how he has no intention of using the number anyway and he highly doubts she’ll call him. Well the next day his secretary (nice young lady…single) asks him out to lunch. He says ok but he’s not paying. (After his first two massive heartbreaks he has refused to ever pay for another woman, he hasn’t even bought his co-workers teddy bears for valentine day). Well anyway they go to lunch she buys her lunch he buys his. On the way home he notices a missed call. he’ll get to it later. when he leaves work for the day he returns the call. Guess who it is Jessica! Jessica is talking to him and everything and they decide to meet up and go out to dinner. They talk and talk and they really hit it off like she REALLY likes him and actually he really likes her back. They get super close like talking on the phone every night, texting through the day (when he’s free), and going on random lunch/dinner dates (he refuses to pay for her. so she buys her food and he buys his). He likes her because he can actually talk about his campaign and his job and she actually listens. Like he finally finds a woman that likes him for something other than the money he’s making. she genuinely cares about him. She asks him about getting into a serious relationship with her and he laughs it off. This woman doesn’t really want him he thinks at least. So he says if he wins the Senate seat and she’s at his acceptance speech in a black tight fit dress he’d marry her (he says this jokingly of course) she says that’s a bet. Well time passes and they keep talking and its all good. One day she asks him to borrow 300 bucks. WOAH he’s like for what? she says its a surprise. He’s thinking hard about it. He knows this feeling but she’s different right? She genuinely cares. Its not like he doesn’t have the money trust me money is never an issue now its just he doesn’t know if he wants to give it up. well he thinks long and hard and eventually he says what the heck and gives her the money. She says he wont regret it and leaves. Well its been 3 days and he has heard NOTHING from her. He’s like super depressed. They got him again (those mean bad cruel women! cant be trusted!) well one day he decides to go out for a drink. Its a week before the election and he’s kind stressed out. So he goes to the club in the middle of no where were he meets Jessica behind the counter serving up drinks! She’s a bartender?! he’s Furious! He GOES HAM on her and walks out. Well he’s telling his friends about the situation when one of his close friends explains that he knew Jessica well. And how she was saving up for some new dress but she was 300 dollars short. He explains how she asked him for the cash but he didn’t have it. She said it was really important. She even left crying because she had no way of getting the money. She had been working over time at the bar to make a little extra money JUST for that dress. Michael starts to think about it and he regrets it. This woman liked him enough to go out of her way to buy a dress? really? So he calls and calls trying to apologize. no answer. He even goes to the bar but she’s not there. He’s depressed. the first woman who really loved him is gone and its all his fault. Well its election night and he cant even get excited because he’s thinking about Jessica. Its a close race but guess who wins….MICHAEL! Everybody is screaming and shouting and patting him on the back and everything. Well he gets up to give his speech and looks out into the crowd (u know where this is going) and he discovers Jessica isn’t there. His heart drops but he gives the speech anyway. Well after the party is over he’s walking to his car head down thinking when he some calls him. Its Jessica in a black dress and 300 plus in her hands! She explains how she has been working hard to make the money to pay him back for the dress and how it was so hard and how she’s so sorry that she’s been MIA and how she knows he hates her and how she promised to be there but the dress was messed up and she had to get it fixed and how everything went wrong and he stops her mid sentence. looks her dead in the eye and says “I would LOVE to pay for you"! The End!!

[readingherthoughts]

I had to send an assignment to my teacher by 11:59pm and I had a bit of trouble sending him the email..

Once I finally did send it, I sent him another email and it is as follows:

Okay so I'm doing my assignment, all good no worries it's done by 11 o'clock easy. I save it, close it, I'm thinking "Hell yeah lahni, you get to go to sleep in ten or so minutes once you email this" and then I'm like "WAIT!" (I didn't really say wait by the way, I thought a swear word that rhymes with 'Tuck!') "Lahni, you don't have his email..." And so then for the next hour and a half I'm either flopping my hands around like a dying walrus because I thought I was done for, OR, on the verge of tears because I thought I was done for, OR, just ready to give up and accept the N rating like the man I am. 

So then I'm sitting in my room, tearing my school diary apart to see if I ever wrote your email down, ripping through my physics book to see if I've ever written it down somewhere in there, THEN I get this amazing idea (it was seriously like an Einstein grade idea for my stupid brain) to check the school's website because they've recently listed all the staff's email addresses. I'm visually looking down the columns for your name NOPE CAN'T FIND IT. I'm like thinking in my head "No way would the universe be this cruel, I mean I did put my spare change from macca's the other day into the charity boxes there", so then I use the Alt + F keys to try and find you in case my eyes had missed your name. I go ahead and whack 'Tipping' into the search bar, NOPE CAN'T FIND IT. I type in 'Craig' into the search bar, NOPE CAN'T FIND IT. At this point in my glorious tale, I'm freaking the tuck out because I have about ten minutes to get it in before 11:59. I cross my fingers and type in 'ctipp' into the search bar, because I knew the start of your email would be that, I just didn't know your number. And wouldn't you know it, NOPE CAN'T FIND IT.This is the point where I start to feel my blood boil. I got so angry at myself for being such an idiot and not writing down your email in the first place I'm making all these retarded noises as I breathe. If you've ever heard the sound of a bull exhaling right before about to charge, it was alot like that I shit you not.

Suddenly, the stars align and the angels start singing the victory "HALLELUJAH!" song (you know the one), and I'm like "oh my gawddddddddddd, Kiranjot forwarded me an email and his email would have been said". At this point, I have about 5 minutes to go before it needs to be in, so I'm trying to log onto my gmail account to search for the email to find your bloody number. After 230282038138128 failed attempts at correctly typing in my password, I search and find the email, and there it is. A mirage in my desert of desperation. A glittering 14 beckons to me and I grasp it with both hands. I quickly sign into my school email. 11:58. I create a new email and attatch my draft and by then its 11:59. I race my cursor to the send button. I tap that button and away shoots my assignment without a lick of time to spare.

... I lead an incredible life.

[davidlynchsleftnipple]

So story time, I was texting my friend about English homework and he mentioned that when we read Hamlet for class he didn't even read it and I literally said "SHAKESPEARE IS YOUR GOD AND YOU WILL PAY HIM SOME FUCKING RESPECT YOU ILLITERATE URCHIN. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS UNIVERSE NOW". So yeah. That happened.