A Typical English Lesson with Mr Lancer
Written for the Teacher/Mentor day for @dp-outsider-perspective-week!
Characters: Lancer & His English Class
WC: 1869
Summary: All Lancer wanted to do was calmly and cordially discuss the last chapter of the book the class was currently reading. Unfortunately for him, his class had other ideas. Several of them.
[AO3 Link]
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"Alright, class!" William Lancer waved his hand in the universal please quiet down gesture. "Today we'll be starting off with—hey, why are there only three phones in their sleeves?" he asked, glancing over to the phone pockets by the door.
The class looked as if they'd never heard of such a rule in their lives, despite the fact that for the past ninety days, in all classes every day, they'd been instructed and reminded with great persistence to put their phones in the sleeves hanging next to the door upon entering the room.
Two students sighed and got up to put their phones away.
William could already feel a headache coming on. When he first began his teaching career, cell phones didn't exist. At least, not as mini computers that could fit into pockets. Now, managing smartphone usage seemed to take a quarter of his day.
"Really? The rest of you all forgot your phones at home?" It was almost offensive that any of these students would think he'd believe that. "Alright, then if I see a single smartphone out, it's a detention after school with me. Your choice."
A shuffling of chairs later, and about a couple dozen muttered complaints, and like magic, every single student had put their phone in its appropriate spot on the phone sleeve.
Record timing for this class, frankly.
Nevertheless, William clasped his hands together and tried again. "Alright, all! Today we'll be going over the chapter of Persepolis that we read in class together yesterday." At the students' blank stares, he added, "So please get your books and notes packets out."
More groans, a few hissy, "For real?"
Really, what did these kids expect from an English class?
Lancer turned to the whiteboard and wrote ‘Chapter Summary’ in black ink. Hand poised to write more, he asked, "Alright, so can anyone summarize for me what happened in yesterday's chapter?"
As usual, he was only met with the sounds of silence and boredom.
Lowering his hand slightly, he looked over his shoulder and prompted, "What did Marji do? Did she go to school as normal?"
A few shaking heads.
Alright, that was a response if nothing else.
Time to start calling on students. "Mr. Sherman?"
"No, she skipped school," Mikey said.
Lancer wrote 'skipped school' on the board.
And then, from the last student Lancer expected to pipe up, Dash opened his mouth. "She was smoking that good kush, Lancer!"
Oh boy.
"Thank you for participating, Mr. Baxter, but she didn't smoke cannabis."
"Then, she should have!" Kwan interjected, always backing up his best friend. What a good kid, if that good kid wasn't also one of the main sources of his daily stress headaches.
If nothing else, this could be a teachable moment about the delicate relationship between the morality police and the citizens of Iran. So, William began, "Well, you have to remember—"
"Lancer, my guy, if I may," Dash cut in, throwing that charming smile he always did when trying to suck up to the staff members because he'd just gotten caught doing something he wasn't supposed to do.
Still, William was never one to push away a good opportunity for a class discussion, so he entertained it. "What is it?"
"See, I think I got the answer to this whole book."
"Oh god," Sam groaned from across the room.
"And what would that answer be?"
Dash slammed his book on his desk and exclaimed, "Get this! All these guys need to do is get in a room together and smoke a bowl!"
Lancer stared. He couldn't help it.
He stared.
"Excuse me?"
"Think about it!" Dash ranted as if he were about to solve world hunger. "All these guys are so uptight, right? That's why they're all beefing with each other—"
"Well, I wouldn't exactly call this sort of political tension a beef, but—"
"—so the solution is to just rip a fat bong!"
"Mr. Baxter. Please." William pinched the bridge of his nose between his forefinger and thumb.
"What, do you not know what a bong is?" Dash asked.
"Do I look like I was born yesterday? No, what I'm trying to get at is you cannot possibly think you can solve conflict in the Middle East with weed."
Dash looked positively offended. "Why not? Look what it did for that Box Ghost."
Danny picked his head up from his desk. "What did what for Boxy?"
"Wait, you know what a bong is, sir?" Paulina asked.
"Guys," Kwan yell-whispered, "I think Lancer smokes weed."
"The Box Ghost totally rips fat hits. Come on, Fenturd, even you know that," Dash said, ignoring Paulina and Kwan completely now.
"Oh wait, maybe he does," Tucker said in realization. "I mean, that'd make a lot of sense. Boxy's so bad at protecting his boxes."
"Lancer so smokes weed. Look at him," Star yell-whispered back to Kwan.
"Dumbass, ghost weed isn't a thing," Sam argued.
"Says who? You, Princess Batshit Crazy?" Dash shot back.
Okay, this was getting out of control. Time to use his Teacher Powers and shut this whole conversation down.
"A Tale of Two Cities! Alright, people!" William raised a hand. "Thank you all for this riveting discussion, but I think it's time we get back to our book."
"But Lancer, do you smoke kush?" Star pressed.
To which William wasn't about to give them a single clue. He turned back to the board, writing 'smoked a cigarette' as a bullet point under the chapter summary, and said, "What I do in my personal life is none of your business."
"Oh shit, you're right," Paulina told Kwan.
"You guys are morons. No way Lancer smokes. He's obviously a wine dude," Connie said from the back of the room.
"Yeah," Brittany agreed. "He has a cat and everything."
"Ladies," William tried, shooting them a stern look.
Unfortunately, Dash had already taken the bait, blurting out, "No offense, Lancer, but you go to wine tastings and just chug the whole bottle. I bet that's how you're still able to be a teacher at this school."
"Mr. Baxter, keep that up and you'll be seeing me after class," William said.
Honestly, what was with these students?
Unfortunately for Lancer, Tucker seemingly still hadn't gotten over his previous revelation and decided to take over, turning to Danny with a "Wait, is there a such thing as ghost weed?"
Danny glanced around nervously. "What? Why would I know anything about that..."
Paulina, the most acutely observant and people-smart student in the class, caught him instantly. "Why do you look like you're lying?"
"I bet his parents invented ghost weed. That's probably why we have so many ghosts. Danny sells it to them," Star said.
"What? No I don't! I don't even smoke!"
"Liar, liar. I've seen you vape before, Fenturd!" Dash snapped, all previous threats apparently already out of his head.
Now, it was Danny's turn to look offended. "No, I've never vaped before in my life."
"Then who the hell stole Dale's vape out of the toilet and smoked it? 'Cause I've been saying it was you this whole time."
Paulina guffawed. "Someone seriously smoked Dale's toilet vape? Ew!"
Someone had smoked Dale's toilet vape, actually. William, much to his disgust and horror, had to be the one to confiscate said toilet-vape and deal with the unfortunate, innocent freshman who was just trying to be cool to his equally innocent friends. It ended with an ISS and William issuing a mandatory drug safety class to be held with the school nurse after school for four weeks.
But William wasn't about to tell anyone here that. "That rumor will not be discussed in this classroom."
"You've been telling people what?" Danny hissed.
"Mr. Fenton, Mr. Baxter, please save any further arguments about this topic after class. Now, I believe we were about to begin a discussion about how Marji from the book we're currently reading and discussing ditched school last chapter to smoke a cigarette with some older girls from school. If you could all open your books—"
"Hey, teach! Do you think they have Fantasy over in Iran?" Kwan asked.
Oh, for the love of Lord of the Flies.
"Fantasy is an American Football thing, genius." Sam glowered from her seat.
"Hey, don't come for my boy Kwan like that," Dash said.
"Because I was thinking," Kwan continued, unfazed as usual, "that if they can't all come together over ghost weed, they can come together from Fantasy. Because I know sometimes on the football team we can have our differences, but when we're talking Fantasy? We all always come together."
"Hell yeah, bro," Dash said, holding out his fist, to which Kwan didn't hesitate to bump with his own.
"Oh, why am I not surprised? A bunch of meatheads throwing their money away on gambling," Sam said.
"Hey! Sports betting is way cooler than gambling," Dash shot back.
"It's gambling," Tucker and Danny said simultaneously in tones that were thoroughly unimpressed.
Connie piped in, still inspecting her nails for chips in the polish, "Yeah, my dad spent like twenty dollars betting on whether the National Anthem at the last Packer's game would be under two minutes. He lost."
Dash ignored her, raising his fist at Danny. "I'll show you gambling after class!"
"Mr. Baxter, please refrain from—"
Suddenly, there was a flash of light and a bang. A ghost shot through the wall, one covered in plants and flowers. His hair was long and braided down his back, and a straw hat sat on his head, amazingly not falling off despite the fact that he crashed straight into William's sad list of chapter events on the whiteboard.
Another ghost followed, this one an annoyingly familiar cyborg, and also—from experience—heavily armored from head to toe.
"That's what you get for stiffing my girlfriend!" He held up a baggy of what appeared to be ecto-basil. "This isn't the flower we asked for, and you know it!"
"My dude," said the hippie ghost, "She wanted an ounce, I gave her an ounce. Not my fault she didn't specify which strain."
The cyborg raised his fist, and an ectogun appeared on the knuckles. "Scammer! I, the Ghost Zone’s greatest hunter, will make you pay for this!"
And now William had seen enough. He reached under his desk and hit the green button. Sirens went off with Jack Fenton's voice repeating, "Ghost alert! There's a ghost in the school! Everyone calmly evacuate so I can eat fudge—I mean, kill the ghost!"
"Alright, you heard the announcement! Everyone, get out!" Lancer said.
The students, all too used to this disruption, took their sweet time leaving the classroom. Well, everyone except Daniel Fenton, who was already gone. William hadn't seen him leave, but this wasn't anything unusual. Poor kid was so terrified of ghosts.
"See? I knew there was ghost weed!" Dash said, ribbing Kwan as they exited the room.
"Do you think Phantom smokes?" Kwan asked.
Star nodded vigorously. "And I bet Fenton totally sells it to him!"
William sighed and took one last, longing glance over at his smudged whiteboard. Maybe tomorrow they could finally get through this chapter of Persepolis.
Third time's a charm, and all.
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