#lazy reb

[darin-nidk]

Oh in regards to this post, I can also say, I don't blame the people who saw me as too troublesome to put up with, too childish, too stupid or too insufferable to the point they wished the worst to me. I really don't.

I know my background combined with my lack of social awareness plus poor coping mechanisms that I am trying to deconstruct and build anew are too much to handle. No one has to stay if they feel overwhelmed, or underwhelmed, by how I am. I know I can be too much, or too little, I know I try to overcompensate and mess it up further. There's also the fact that even if I apologise about something I did wrong and improve, the people were already hurt and might never want me again. That's perfectly fine, for all of us, really.

You see, I don't really linger in feelings too much. I don't feel guilt. So if I hurt someone and they don't tell me, I fail to see where and how I failed. I tend to communicate bluntly which can be misinterpreted, it has happened and it will most likely happen again. Once I have been walked through how I failed, I tend to apologize and try to be mindful, make amends, to think thrice, but if the other person got hurt then I don't decide if they want to remain close. But also, their loss doesn't affect me either. It's just 'oh, okay! Have a good life, I wish you the best' and I mean it because they once were people I cared about. And I know they have their own struggles like everybody else.

The reason I don't really linger on that particular loss is simple, I lived through so much, so many horrible things that no child should grow up with because it makes a broken adult. I was a soldier who obeyed without question, a bastard child with identity issues because most of my biological father's family is dead including him, the black sheep who got blamed and beaten, I was molested as a child by a drunk man a stranger on the street because I didn't have adult supervision. If my sister who was at school or at work didn't look out for me, I was left to my devices. I lived in the hood, I saw people shooting each other and a dead corpse. All this before I turned seven. So you think I care about who walks away? No, I lost too much already, I didn't have chances to actually process any kind of feelings back there and it's a major issue nowadays that affect my everyday and my relationships. So, to those who walk away, I hope they are always doing okay but also we will no longer have connections of any kind and I hope it stays that way.

I actually tell people I have like a warning label and that I can be too blunt and too awkward but to please understand I never say anything with bad intentions, I actually try to put myself down or become a punching bag because it's what I know. I have improved considerably and befriended the right people that is just as awkward as me, just as socially inept to the extent we help each other or bluntly call each other out without walking on eggshells or soften the blow. No, things are they are, just bare and harsh words that are not bad and come from a good place. That's communication I appreciate because I suck so badly at delivering a more thoughtful response.

Well, it was a ramble but it is important to know everyday I learn something new about social cues, and being a social human being. I think helping raise my niblings is also a big help, raising a baby is so difficult and overwhelming that sometimes I want to cry but I am also learning so much about what my sister had to face while much younger than me, and also I get to learn a bit about my mom even if it's complex.

[darin-nidk]

Thinking back in Dan and Phil hardlaunch, their raw sincerity... I broke down crying quite badly, ngl. The backbones of my life are my older sister, and my three best friends.

I met my best friend L, dare I say soulmate, when we were six. Kid me asking if he wanted to be my best friend and he said yes, first interaction and twenty years later, holy shit twenty years later, we are still just as close!!! We were baby queers together, we were two kids with such a shit family background but we gravitated towards each other and found safety. Also, we were really not only the two queer kids back there in our class, but we were trans kids who asked questions like what if you were a boy? Which girl you'd like if you were a boy? Confiding in each other, share that queerness and gender identity crisis was such a journey that we faced together at different times, and we came to accept these new aspects quick even if the legal changes took some time. It wasn't always a pretty friendship, we fought, we cried, we distanced ourselves from each other but we still were during the worst times to ever be faced. Each fight brought us closer, our communication improved, we grew to understand each other's comfort necessities and what we could do to rely better on each other without feeling overwhelmed or uncomfortable since our love language is different. We are so intertwined with each other's lives that I have no clue who I would be if he wasn't there, I don't think I'd be alive.

My best friend R, I met her online first but meeting her irl was the sweetest experience ever. I didn't know how to handle kindness, I still don't know. I grew up in such a fucked up environment, sabotaging relationships for me without knowing is so easy because I am constantly in fight or fawn mode: I either try to blow things out of proportion to protect myself irl or I try to throw myself under the bus and become the punching bag willingly because all I have ever known is survival to a point I make others uncomfortable but I don't notice, I fail to notice. Befriending me is, unfortunately, having to constantly help me navigate that my normal is not normal, that I normalised so many fucked up things because I grew up in that kind of environment and you'd be like hey you are already twenty six, shouldn't you know better? No? My formative years were haunted by physical and verbal abuse, a drunk parent, neglect, the parentification of my older sister and then myself, the lack of an emotional support, the lack of medical support because one of my parents didn't believe in hospitals unless you were dying and mental health was a myth, an abusive school system because it was a military school, sexual assault when I was just a kid. I don't think people can understand that befriending a broken person is draining at first because we are scared of basic human kindness. I was and still am scared of kindness, but once I know I can trust you, I can be me, I rarely get to be me because people easily misunderstand my tone, the way I speak, I have worked so hard throughout all these years but I still need help with social cues, I am pretty sure my diagnosis is much more than just depression and anxiety, I have been told by one professional that I could have aspd due to my growing environment but I have yet to afford the proper consultations. I also rambled all of this because, despite the way I am and how I try to understand and grow but still fuck up constantly and try to learn and fail and try again, R stayed throughout everything. I know it must have been difficult for her, I am difficult for myself and work on it so I am not dead weight in others, but do you know how much it means for me that she stayed? Despite everyone, she stays as my best friend. She has shown me such kindness I didn't believe was possible, she is so sweet and understanding, and she knows when to scold me because I fucked up and doesn't leave, she takes the time to explain how I fucked up and guides me to know how I can improve without telling me the answer. Do you know how important that is for someone like me? It means the world, I am also aware it's something that must worn her out from time to time, so that's why I try to learn more about psychology, to pay attention to the body language, to the change in speech tones. I learn how to show empathy even in situations I didn't know how to handle before just because she inspires me to be better.

And then there's E, my best friend and fiancé E, he's... Everything. Everything that's right. God, where do I even start with him? I fell in love with him at the ripe age of 6, how did I know it was love? I didn't, but I also never felt the way I feel about him towards anyone else. I actually thought I was aroace when I found out the term, I actually thought I was a lesbian, then pan, then aroace as a final but no, I was demisexual demiromantic if you believe in micro labels. And I only found out because no matter who I pretended to like or date, I always gravitated to him. He was, and still is, home. My home, my safe place. He has seen the worst of me, he has seen me during my worst depressive episodes, he has seen me during panic attacks. He took punches when I was lashing out and held me back to stop me from harming myself those episodes, he's seen the ugliest parts a person can show and stayed, he decided to stay with me. He decided that I was worth the trouble of loving, I was worth staying through my healing process. How do I even handle that? I don't know how to handle that, his love is unconditional and sweet, I feel alive in a way I didn't know it was possible for someone who is always trying to just survive or function throughout the day. Every time he makes sure that we communicate even when I struggle with it, he makes sure I am comfortable, even when I try to distance myself all he does is make sure I'm in a good mental space and gives me said space before I bounce back to his side. He understands me, we understand each other, we developed our own language. We are still learning so much from each other and we have grown up together. It's so meaningful to me that he stays, there had been times where my mental health was the lowest and I kept trying to push him away because he deserves someone that's not this broken up and aware but unable to fix it, and he stayed, he reassured me of everything and chose to stay out of his own volition. We aren't codependent, he lives away and studies in a different college, works too, he needs to travel through plane as of late but he still comes back every time to visit. I also visit when possible, we choose each other everytime. I am also improving because I want to be better for him, I don't want to be dead weight for anyone but much less him, he deserves the world.

Anyway the Dan and Phil hardlaunch made me realize that the people that stayed when they have no familial connection to me, they are worth everything and I try to tell them how much I love them in each language they know.