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“Lee wouldn't want you to be sad,” Colin said.
“Well, of course not. But I am sad and he’s not here. That’s normal. So please stop telling me what he’d want. I’ll tell you what he’d want. He’d want to be here. He’d want to watch our children grow up. He’d want to go for early morning rides and-and go fly fishing with his dad and brothers. So yes, you’re right he wouldn’t want me to be sad. Who wants someone to be sad? But just because my sadness makes you uncomfortable and you don’t know what else to say please don’t speak on behalf of my dead husband!” you exclaimed.
“I know. You’re right. But you can’t hold onto a ghost, Y/N. You deserve to be happy again,” Colin said softly. “When you’re ready, I’m here.” He kissed your temple before leaving the stable.
You watched as Colin put his hat on and walked toward his truck. “Shit!” you yelled and kicked an empty bucket across the stable. The whole conversion had gone the wrong way. Sometimes you were your own worst enemy.
Colin was a wonderful man, not to mention patient. He let things happen in your time. Never pushed for more- until now. Sure he said he would wait but for how long?
After tossing and turning for over an hour you pushed the quilt back and sat on the side of the bed. Today everything reminded you of him. It wasn’t like he wasn’t already on your mind every damn minute but today, today was exceptionally hard. The conversation with Colin kept replaying in your mind.
Before going downstairs you checked on the girls to find them sleeping peacefully. You closed the door quietly and then padded quietly down the hall.
After selecting a bottle of wine, and forgoing a glass, you went to the front porch. The night was cool, and quiet, with a full moon highlighting the surrounding fields and trees.
There were countless times you enjoyed a similar view from the cabin you shared with your husband, Lee. The last time you stepped foot in the cabin was the day he died. John hired people to pack up you and the girls’ belongings and you moved to the lodge.
You lit a cigarette, watching as the smoke curled into the night sky then took a sip from the bottle of wine. Tears filled your eyes when you thought of Lee. Three years had gone by since his senseless death. The pain that came with losing him was immeasurable. Maybe Colin was right. Maybe you were trying to hold onto a ghost.
“Penny for your thoughts?” John asked, taking the seat beside you. He groaned a bit as he lowered himself into the large Adirondack chair.
You shrugged.
John pursed his lips. “I think I know what is bothering you.”
Your eyes shot to your father in law. John was more of a father than your own dad.
“I overheard you and Colin in the stable today,” he admitted. “I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop but I think most everyone within a mile heard. Well, your side anyway.”
“Yeah. I’m sure,” you responded quietly. “Colin just- he wants… I don’t know,” you sighed.
“He wants more?” John asked.
“Yeah,” you breathed.
Colin was a local third generation ranch owner. He had the second biggest ranch in the area, after The Yellowstone, and raised quarter horses and cattle. The relationship, if you could call it that, began a year and a half after Lee died. You were lonely and he filled a void for you. Now he wanted a serious relationship but you just didn’t know.
“Did you love anyone after Evelyn died?” you asked John. It was a question you had wanted to ask for a long time. You knew he had a personal relationship with the governor but never really saw them together.
John sniffed. “Nope. If I’m being truthful it's because I was afraid to love someone again only to lose them. Guess I’m a bit of a coward really.” He chuckled humorlessly.
You put a hand on John’s hand. “You are far from a coward,” you stated.
“Well, I put on a good show.”
There was silence for several minutes before you spoke again. “I feel like if I love someone else that I’m betraying Lee. And I guess like you, I’m trying to protect myself.”
“Do you love Colin?”
A small smile crossed your lips. “I think I could. I care for him and he’s a good man. The girls like him, he thinks they do no wrong,” you laughed.
“I agree with him on that,” John laughed along with you.
John thought the sun rose and set with those girls. So did you. They were a little spoiled. After all, they had a grandfather that fulfilled their every whim and each of the ranch hands were at their beck and call. Even then they had manners and were thankful for all they had.
“It’s not betraying Lee to fall in love with someone else. Your and the girls' well-being and happiness were what Lee wanted the most. Would you want Lee to be alone?” John asked.
“I’m not alone,” you said matter of fact. “I’m surrounded by people all day.”
“Darlin’ that’s not the kind of lonely I’m talking about,” John articulated.
He was right. The kind of lonely John was referring to had been filled by Colin when you let him. He held you tight, made love to you, wiped your tears and made you laugh.
“Think I should call him in the morning?”
John thought for a minute before he answered. “I think you should call him right now.”
“What? It’s 11:30. He’s probably already asleep,” you countered.
John ran a finger over his lip. “I can guarantee he’s still awake.”
You eyed John. “Did you-,” you started.
“I’m going to bed. Good night,” John interrupted. He leaned over to kiss your cheek.
“Good night, John,” you said softly. “Thank you. Love you Dad.”
John nodded. “Love you too.”
Pulling your cell from your robe pocket you opened it and went to your contacts. For a few seconds, you hovered over Colin’s number before pressing call.
“Y/N? Are you okay?” Colin said, answering after one ring.
“I’m fine,” you replied in a small voice.
Colin let out a sigh. “Good. So, did you need something?”
“Um, I was just thinking about what you said this morning.” You cleared your throat.
“Hmmm… yeah. What about it?”
“You were right. I can’t let Lee go and I’m not sure I will ever be able to. It’s not fair to you,” you explained.
Colin was quiet. “I understand.”
“No, that didn’t come out right,” you sighed heavily. “This is hard to do over the phone.”
“It’s okay. I get it. I hope someday, someone can make you happy. I just wish it could’ve been me. Goodbye, Y/N,” he snipped.
“Wait, no!” But Colin had already hung up.
Well, that went about as well as you thought it would. You tossed your cell phone onto the small table and picked up the bottle of wine. Taking a long swig you decided not to take relationship advice from John. Maybe tomorrow you would go and try to talk to Colin. But tonight you were going to sit on this porch and not think at all.