Learning to Love Myself (note to myself)
As much heartbreak as 2015 has brought me, I must say this year has changed me for the better. I can remember at least three times this year when I've broken down like no other but for each tear that fell, I can think of about five more times that I've genuinely smiled. I used to be a pessimistic person. Everything had to have an ulterior motive; too good to be true was my constant saying. Eventually, I shed that attitude but not through my own personal awakening but by what was happening to me. There was an addition made to my life that brought happiness so suddenly I went from constant side eyes to rainbows and fairies. However, because happiness is so situational, when that addition became a subtraction, I was yet again, stuck. It was just too good to be true. Since I was a child I was told of the great things that would happen to me and the places I would go but I struggled with when. Even when the opportunities rose, I then questioned how. There's just something about heartbreak and pain that can sometimes encourage you to standup and say no more. I didn't want to wait until I was married or making six figures to live my best life, I wanted to start now. The common misconception is that you need to have all the money in the world to "live it up." Let me be the first to tell you how wrong that is. I'm not living it up because I travel often or have cool experiences, I'm living it up because whether I'm riding a train in NYC or cruising on a catamaran in the islands, I have a joy that another individual didn't cause or money didn't buy. I learned how to love myself by myself. "I want[ed] to imagine my own life. I wanted to be able to navigate through life's exciting opportunities and devastating disappointments independently -- and if and when a guy decides he wants to join me, I'll still be able to have the peace of mind that I can do it alone. I will be able to imagine my life without him, because at that point, I will have already done it alone." That was my goal. So when my job relocated me to New York in March, I decided my focus would be a better me. That meant dropping or putting aside anything that brought petty situations to my life and starting a quest for good vibes only. No one was gonna make me succeed at my job but me and more importantly, no one was going to fix my relationship with God but me. I didn't find my home church immediately but when I did, it was like everything clicked. Living at home wasn't easy either but when I weighed the pros and cons, it did more good than bad. So no, I don't have everything I want/ed but I had to learn how to find the silver lining if I wanted to keep my joy. I feared coming back to New York because I felt like it would be expected for me to be the same person I was when I left. Not only was that person gone, I didn't want her to come back. I'm not one to throw away friends but I wanted to see how I now connect with them, not how we connected when we were 10. Do they also share a passion for self empowerment? Are they full of joy or just happy? Do they want better or are they content? These were just some of the things I looked for. I wasn't humored by the same jokes; neither did the same events entertain me and I want the same for my friends too. Don't hold too tight onto the things from your younger years that you miss your opportunity for growth. I want to see us all succeed; I want us all to live our best lives. It just takes other's longer than some, but you know what, that's okay because all that matters is you didn't give up. Having people around you who share the same ambitions and mentality helps in ways I can't explain. Don't let other people's opinions steer you away from keeping the right people around you. Everyday won't be a burst of energy and motivation so you're going to need someone to hold you accountable- someone to hold you up when you feel like you're falling. HOWEVER, do not fall for the trap of one-sidedness. If you're constantly supporting them and never getting anything in return, they're eventually going to bring you right down there with them. Misery loves company && it's not your job to be anyone's source of strength. Tell them to seek God. This is a sign that they are not complete within themselves and it'll require a whole half of you to fill them up. So what does that leave you with? You're making them better at the cost of your own happiness. #Nah When two complete people meet, sure they will need each other for encouragement sometimes, but that's when quality time or a good conversation does the trick, not you giving a piece of yourself. When I no longer needed to give chunks of myself to anyone, I had more time to analyze myself. Not only did I start to see flaws in my personality but even in my career. I realized I needed to study more and work harder. We can't wish for all this great stuff without putting in the work- some people believe in luck but I still believe hard work and prayer goes a long way. Disclaimer: God's not like man or anything but if the only time I heard from you was when you needed something, I would take my sweet time or not do it at all so make sure you're keeping your relationship with God up to date. By August, I made so many new contacts within my company that people would forward me some of the things they studied or fixed just to help me get more real world experience to tie into all the studying I was doing. In trying to do better, please don't feel like you need to keep it a secret. There's so many people willing and able to help but it's up to you to seek help. "You have not because you ask not." Everyone knew I was fairly new and every time a volunteer was needed, as long as it didn't conflict with my social time or my church time, I was there. Now as one of the most frequently called on people on the team, I'd like to think it has paid off. To whom much is given, much is required. You can't expect to receive all these great things without needing to work hard. Just don't do it prematurely. If you're not ready, financially, mentally, emotionally or even spiritually, there's certain things you just shouldn't sign up for. That's the quickest way to depression and stress: trying to be and do things so you can impress others or "catch up" to others when you know you're just not ready yet. This is what people mean by staying in your own lane. The lane doesn't mean you're not going anywhere, you're just going at a different pace. If I'm saving up for a certain thing, I learn to portion things out. To make sure I still keep a good work/life balance, I'll still go out with my friends but I know I can't buy new clothes just for the event. It's time to mix and match because I'm prioritizing my savings over dressing up to go out with people who should love me whether I have on a repeated outfit or the newest styles. I'd rather take the L now than to have a bunch of L's later. Within the month of November, I had three trips that, in a perfect world, would require new outfits. However, I also had some unexpected household expenses. Through mixing and matching and a lot of laundry soap, I was able to do all trips without spending more than 50$ on clothes/travel items. I'd rather be in the fanciest resorts wearing sweats and a tank then to be in 3 star hotel somewhere in a gown and spike heels. December has swiftly come upon us and as my yearly tradition, I'm looking over the year that has just passed. A quote I recently read said "don't live the same year 75 times and call it a life." That's why I do yearly recaps. It's okay to cry over mistakes and situations but don't let it happen to you more than once. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try it a different way. What did you plan to achieve that you didn't achieve? What did you plan to achieve that you did? In highlighting your areas for improvement, don't forget the things you did right. Who/what inspired you the most? Who/what made you irritated? How did you help someone this year? How could you have hurt someone? I have a list of questions that I ask myself every six months. I don't want to just believe I'm growing, I want to see my growth. My growth shouldn't include anyone but me and God. It's cute to want to grow with a significant other but everyone grows at different speeds and you don't want to be the one to get left behind. Analyze and work on yourself. Even if you're already in a relationship, you working on yourself should encourage and motivate them to work on themselves and if they are content with where they are or not interested in doing anything differently, welp, that's for you to decide if it's worth it. The bible says it best, "how can two come together unless they agree?" This goes for your friendships too! People often don't realize friendships are relationships too. You can be associates/acquaintances with just about anyone but if you consider someone a close friend and they don't want better for themselves or have no desire to grow, eventually someone's mind is going to change, we just hope it's not yours. So if I'm looked at wrong for doing things differently or wanting to live life for me, then so be it. The day I'm afraid to do something because of what other people may say is the day I'm no longer living for myself. If I don't know not to do something because it's a bad thing, my values and standards are all messed up. Society may cause others to question people's intentions and "have no expectations so you never get hurt" but I prefer to live in my little bubble of positivity and see the best in people until they prove me wrong. I only have one life and I'd rather make the most out of every hour I'm given. When I say good vibes only, you just have to get with it or get lost. I understand not everyone can adapt to it so quickly so give yourself some time to figure out the stress/negativity factors in your life and do something about it. In the meantime, I'll be in my little bubble living my life. Let me know when you're ready to join.