A lot of thoughts haunt me from time to time. They scour past me in hot flashes and leave me dazed like a patient with vertigo. At times they are mild insecurities that I’m able to roll over in a matter of seconds. I’m sure you’re acquainted with most of them too - the unreasonable self doubts, esteem issues - but then there are these matters that just don’t leave your conscious mind you know? The other day I couldn’t shake off the thought of my mother crossing over to the afterlife. I mean, how do you rewind a derivation that is so mind numbing you want to give up on your life in that very moment? I’ll be honest though, five years ago this wouldn’t have affected me. For almost 7 years she had felt like her stranger, so her being permanently absent would not have been such a daunting thought. But a lot of things have changed since then. If she were to leave me right now I don’t think I could survive it. It would be equivalent to experiencing a high magnitude earthquake that lasts only 20 seconds but destroys all that was ever built on the land it strikes. So what do you do when these thoughts stump you? Do you allow the panic attacks to take over and experience those vile feelings in the most painful ways possible, immediately? Or do you casually swipe it under the rug and let the mountain of un dealt emotions pile up until the rug can’t hide it anymore?
the worst part is, sooner or later no matter how much you delay or deny it, you have to face your demons // a c
