#letters2her

[andicarusfell-4her]

I'm the biggest hypocrite of 2015. Admittance. The truth shall set you free, right? We mirror each other. And always have even when we didn't know it. Here's why I've never believed in unconditional love. Conditions are all that matters to us in this mortal form. We love some circumstances. Some ideas. But people, never. Things are just things until somehow validated by an external source. You know why I loved the movie Good Will Hunting? It gave me an alternate idea of why we lie and act as we do. We have these ideal ideas of people that are and always have been false. People are ugly. Each of us. So we introduce ourselves wearing mask, knowing if we didn't others be so much less likely to accept our grotesque and mutilated character. We think who we really are isn't what people want or who they'd like. And often times that's true. For me especially. We let people get soooo familiar and acquainted with the mask we worse when we introduced ourselves and not the real us. ______ told me that maturing isn't really getting over character flaws but being able to hide them better. I've grown. I learned best how to keep my mouth shut. How to turn off feelings. You've never seen or known me at my worse. Even this isn't even close. If you think this is you hating me...... She knows though. She's seen it and endured it and loved me despite. Could you have loved me/this despite...everything? Could you still have written letters and still been perseverant after being broken numerous times? Still been as blindly supportive and loving? After the sixth time of crying on the shoulder of the person you loved and STILL couldn't have after being told we talk anymore/be friends. You got it bad, love. Michael Jackson bad. But not worse that some others. I made conscious efforts to stay away from myself. Not even for you. For myself. I found a divinity in women that most haven't seen or fathomed to be in themselves. I read and learned and pondered and came out of myself. I did. And you got the best that I've ever had to offer and I loved making you happy. And that was fine. I'm sure you enjoyed the good times though you seemed to become expectant of ways and a character that was completely foreign to me. You'd never be able to appreciate it the way those prefer you would. Love is conditional. I've never known an instance where it wasn't. If you know of one, show me. Tell me about it. You've told me you loved me unconditionally right? So who will be the next person you love the same way? Please understand. Every beautiful story has a beastly beginning. An ugly, awful foundation. A struggle. Not one is exempt. Things get worse before they get better. And every person has a dark side. Maybe mine is too pitch black for you to handle...But it's the same as yours and I can love you nonetheless. Despite the conditions. I don't wanna meet anyone else's demons. Or Family. I hate dichotomies. What is good without bad? Light without darkness? Happiness without melancholy? The answer to each is life. And it applies to all aspects. So believe me, some like relationships and love will never be exempt to the bad, darkness or melancholy. We can only appreciate the good times more. Enjoy them while they last and reminisce on them when they're gone. I'll be reminiscing. Beat yourself up less, love. You're beautiful..

[andicarusfell-4her]

Hello dear. I'm at work now, on break. It's been a pretty slow day this far. I ate some wings and calamari for lunch after going outside to smoke. I'm not happy. Misconstrue nothing. I knew happiness. We were happiness. But "we" are not. I'm already perfectly familiar with "the glass is half empty" perspective, so I've been trying something different instead of wallowing in hypocriticals, possibilities and what once was cause all I've got is what IS. All any of us have is what we have at one single moment. I miss so much though. I don't have anyone to look forward to seeing/talking to/texting after work. I spend a lot more hours alone especially on days off. Means more time in my head. Means more time with you running my mind like my conscienceness was your treadmill and you've got stamina that never runs out. You know what it's like when every love song, each jazzy tune and every beautiful beat reminds you of someone and something you can't have but feel empty without. There's nothing enjoyable about feeling empty, dear. Trust. You're still my other half which means you've got a handle on me. And if you don't intend on getting a grip, embracing and handling me with care, let go. You know what I want. And who I want. If you don't then a mirror should clear things up for you. *Works night's shift* I had a pretty decent section and a pretty good day for a Monday. I'm on the train on the way home now. 11:15. ______ came to my job while I was on break. She had just got off and she came and had a drink and some sushi. We talked and caught up a bit. I talked to my dad on the way to the train station tonight. He's driving to California tomorrow. Bags and van are packed and he's hitting the west coast. He invited me to come stay out there after him setting in for a month or two. I'd have no reason to stay besides...that person that YOU see in the mirror. I told you before...sometimes you wait so long to choose and decide that you end up with nothing at all. It's happened to me before. I was thinking earlier of how this will be the first year in many that I won't have a Valentine. And how the 12th of the month is a little less special now. There's just an emptiness there. But really. I love you. I do. Night..

[andicarusfell-4her]

So I've decided I won't speak to you anymore...again. I've gotten rid of every method of contact I have for you in case I'm tempted so I've gone beyond the point of turning back I guess. I'm trying to be more disciplined. It's uncomfortable, but what needs to be done at this point I think. I haven't been thinking about you as much recently and haven't written to you in the past few days. I've been trying to keep occupied. I went with some friends to the Rock and Roll cafe on H st. The show was really cool actually. The opening act was a reggae-rock-rap band. I don't remember their name but the headliner was great as well. It was an all Brass instrument band called Black Masala. I went to the show with ______ and ______. We left from ______'s house at around 11. This was my first time to the Rock and Roll Hotel. I really like the venue. It's three floors. The show was on the first floor and there was a second and third floor as well. All three floors had bars but the second floor was pretty much the party/turn up scene and the third floor was the rooftop terrace (The chill spot). There was no roof instead there was a huge tarp for a ceiling. I didn't go to the top floor till later when my co-worker ______ told me he was there. It was cold since there was no roof but there were space heaters to keep us warm. We all chilled and talked and drank and they taught me a little more on the harmonica. Mine came in the mail a few days ago. I'm currently working on learning how to bend notes. We left The Rock and Roll Hotel around 2 am I suppose but I don't really remember. Afterwards we met some of my other friends at a bar downtown called MadHatter. It had already closed when we arrived but...we all carpooled to a diner in Adams Morgan since we were all a little tipsy and high. Faded. The diner we went to is actually called "The Diner". Twas my second time there. I'd gone once before with some co-workers. The waitress I had last time (her name was ______ {I remembered surprisingly}) was there but we were all served by a Waitress named ______. She was really attractive actually. Not that she has anything on you. I didn't see/noticed the waitress ______ until we were leaving The Diner. She was outside smoking a cigarette. There was a long, crowded, uncomfortable ride home. I didn't get home till 6 am. Fell asleep around 7 I think.. I didn't have work till the next evening till 4:15 but I was asked to come in early (3:00) so I did. Twas better really than sitting in the house thinking about you like I was already doing or something else that probably wouldn't have been as productive. I had the biggest section in the restaurant last night and it was Saturday night so I made bank plus felt pretty proud that they placed me in that section. Saturday went by pretty smooth I think. At one point though ______ walked in with his girlfriend and that was a huge plot twist. And of course they would remind me of you and of us. It ate at me for awhile. One of my co-workers that works at the front desk could kind of see I was feeling some abnormal sort of way and told me to "tell them about my feelings" to which I responded "Feelings? What's that?" Anywho. I quickly got out of my funk after it got a little busier. Did I mention I also decided not to talk about you. Except here. I won't ask ______ about you anymore. Or check for you on any social network. The only places and ways you exist for me are in my mind and right "here". And thankfully I haven't really cared lately what you've been up to. Not that I don't miss you or think of you cause I definitely do but...I don't care as much what you doing...I'm sure you're alright and not much else matters so...I'm alright too... Rewind. Here's some music. While I was out the other night some friends and I were all in an Uber discussing music and talking about musical influences. The driver was a really cool dude and while discussing "alternative" music and artists the driver played us some different things by different artist. They were all really good and I took names of some songs and some artists but one in Particularly really resonated with me. It was Iron Sky by Paolo Nutini. It's such a beautiful song. The only other song I had ever heard by Paolo Nutini previously was a song called "New Shoes". Also a cool song. I looked up his work and downloaded his most recent released album called "Caustic Love". It's amazing. If you don't listen to the album at least listen to Iron Sky. Please. Saturday night (last night? Wow. Time is moving in a really peculiar manner now) after work some co-workers and I went next door to Tony and Joe's for some drinks. I didn't get any though at the time. Instead me and a different co-worker went outside to smoke. And a few mins later joined in with again MORE of my co-workers who got off. We all just chilled outside by the waterfront and I later went back into Tony and Joe's. I guess it was around 1:30 and the bar closed 30 mins later but two of the three people I was with are really close the the head bartender. So after the bar closed we stayed inside and moved to the bar of the bar to not be seen by anyone outside. Cigs were smoked and we talked. ______, the head bartender made us drinks on the house so I partook. Two Fireball shots and a shot of Jameson. Then one glass of Rum and coke. I felt nice plus I was already stoned. I must have gotten home that night around...maybe 5. Who knows. Maybe it was 6. Today though...Today I was off work. Today I helped my sister fry some chicken in a deep fryer that my mother bought. Today is also when I became conscious that I've been thinking about you less and that I've been filling the emptiness you left me with, with other things or other people who won't make me whole like you. They can't fill me or feel me or heal me the way you do or that way that you ever have. But I'm healing on my own and in my own way. Healing hurts. I told ______ this yesterday at one point when I was thinking of you. It does. And they agreed. But to KNOW that you are indeed healing feels good at the same time. I hope you're healing too. I went to ______'s house this evening. ______ was there and of course ______. We drank some beer and watched tv. Really chill. Did you watch the Grammy's tonight? I didn't. I'm home at this point. About to get ready to wash my hair and call it a night. Maybe watch a little more of The Theory of Everything tonight before falling asleep again. You live long and prosper, love. Stay beautiful. Night.. Feb 8

[andicarusfell-4her]

So much to say. But I'm just tired. Too tired.. Take Care, you..

[andicarusfell-4her]

Hey again,

I’m home. Walked from the train station because there were no taxis. Smoked and listened to Lil Wayne. Lol. Oh Happy Black History Month babe.

Here You asked why I still love you after everything. Everything…… It’s like asking why lungs continue to work after continuously filling them with smoke and carcinogens and why alcoholics still have livers that function. The liver and lungs are doing their jobs. What they were built to do. And my heart is doing ITS job by still loving you. You just happened happened to be a hard shot of whiskey this time. Seriously. I didn’t choose to keep on. Most people wouldn’t consider it a prudent decision. If my friends, my child to be even, made the same decision I’d very likely advise against it. I’ve advised myself against it. To no avail. I’ve come to understand feelings more than I ever have. There’s no science behind this. It’s chaos. A peak into the wonders the universe has to offer that we can’t even fathom because we as a species haven’t the slightest grip on love. Honestly we’ve complicated it. Squeezed it so tight, trying to get a handle on it that it’s slipped through our fingers. You’re my universe. And I won’t let my everything slip away. I’ve given thought to other reasons. But I don’t think they are very valid. I don’t remember what I was doing or how I was doing it before being with you. I feel like life was probably mundane and isn’t worth going back to. And being young, I could find something new to do and someone else to be with but this is my first swing at some love like this and anything after won’t have the same fervor in the swing regardless of whether or not THIS ends up as a home run or I strike out. I’ll never give it as much as I have this time. You’ve got this peice of me I can’t take back so I guess I won’t be whole without you. I could learn to be ok with that. I figure most people are broken. Frankly I’m pretty sure I wasn’t whole before you. I was way to stoic to be complete. This is why I love you. It feels right. Feels complete. I’m very familiar with emptiness and incompletion. I’ve learned a lot from it and I feel like I’ve absorbed all of the good lessons it has to offer. My emotional intelligence however is still at an elementary level. There’s so much more to learn and I would love for you to be my personal tutor for a few more eternities. You’ve brought me out of myself and showed me light I was blind to and I don’t want my blinds closed again. I love your drive and determination. How supportive and reliable you always have been. Your laugh and smile. Your forehead and the corner of your lips where I love to kiss. How you’re feisty and strong yet sensitive so you can both hold and be held. I could go on but…I gotta work all day again tomorrow. It’s past 2 am. Night night for real this time. And lots more love..

Night 5

[andicarusfell-4her]

Hey ma,

Worked a double today at work. The usual. Was gonna write during my break at work today ( I swarmed during the a.m. - Served at night) but we had a class on Cocktails today. What they are, a bit on the history and what to expect from certain things in our bar program. We tasted some different cocktails. Twas cool. I had Chicken Noodle soup for lunch. I smoked before and after eating and the class. Today wasn’t busy today at work but I made decent money nonetheless. Yo. I brought a Harmonica today. My coworker ______ has one. We stepped outside and they played some and I recited some poetry. I invited him to do a peice with me at an open mic. I’m really excited about playing it actually. It should be here Friday. Hope you’re well. Still doing your nightly work outs? Something I thought about today is that we both really lack discipline. We are both really driven and capable…But not very disciplined. Mr. Jared back at Suitland High always told me this about myself. He taught me a lot. You’ve taught me more. You’re a crazy curriculum but very effective on me.. I’m on the train on the way home still. I’m gonna smoke and enjoy some chocolate cake that I got from when when I get in the house. It’s a huge slice. You could have a peice, but….. Well, night love..

Night 5

[andicarusfell-4her]

Lé Pause

I saw you today. You said you’ve been speaking to God. You haven’t heard back yet though, right? Well I’d really like God to speak back and speak up. Ambivalence was at an all time high to begin with. I don’t know why I didn’t expect and account for it. What’s “normal” for us right now anyway, right? Aside from the emotional dissonance, which was to be expected, being in your presence felt right. More right than not. You asked me at one point during the day what I was think while I was trying to burrow my entire existence between your shoulder and neck. It was this… “I can finally breathe again. But as soon as you leave again I’ll have lungs like Hazel Grace.” It’s not fun suffocating. Maybe you know what it feels like, but there’s a large chance you haven’t the slightest what this extent feels like. Part of me can’t help but feel this is my Just Desserts. Karma. Equivalent Exchange catching up for all the feelings I’ve caused in other’s before. The hearts I’ve hurt and the breaths I’ve taken away. A prophetic pain. But…it changes people. I’VE changed people, broken people and am quite possibly in the midst of breaking myself. I’ll play along a bit longer, cause you’re definitely worth it. But I don’t wanna change, much less break. So if it gets to that point, I’ll find solace in apathy. I’m really gonna need God to at least WHISPER something back to you…sooner than later. I’m home from ______’s house. I’m gonna watch The Theory of Everything now till sleep beckons. I still smell like you. Maybe I'll be a little less restless tonight. Night night, love..

Night 4

[andicarusfell-4her]

Depending on how this goes, this could very well be my last letter. I fear that I may be holding on to a mere memory and not what actually is. In which case…Thnks Fr Th Mmrs… But seriously. I need to feel what it’s like to be even in your presence. What vibes we exude and express to one another. You said you think God has a plan for us. I don’t have the slightest what that’s supposed to mean. I can only assume. So I want you to come see me tomorrow. If you can’t…I vowed to be done. And word is bond..

I’m going all in…or out. Let’s see what cards God has dealt for this hand..

Feb 2 Night 3