#life negativity

[herzstottern]

This life doesn't make any sense. At least I look awesome.

[corvidcorgi]

im

i think i just crashed really really hard

and i’m kind of bluescreening and trying to run a diagnostic and i don’t. know what it is. i don’t know what’s wrong

there are a lot of minor things that are happening? i’ve been noticing over the course of a while that my auditory processing is getting worse, that when i try to listen to people sometimes the sound goes all mushy. and i know i’m sleep deprived but whenever it’s bedtime i’m not tired

for a couple of weeks i was running very very low in my well of personal health, and i thought that was getting better, and it might be but i also might have just traded that for other nonfunctioning stuff, or i was scraping functioning and trying to do better in any given area has spread me too thin

in terms of things i need to get done: i have four tests, one project and one essay, spread across three classes. i feel relatively confident about the tests; one is open-note and possibly collaborative (it’s a practical), i find one of the subjects relatively intuitive, and i can study for the other ones. if i can focus, which is becoming increasingly hard to do.

meanwhile, i have poured every drop of vigor i have into my project. it’s the only thing i want to do, not a joke. it’s fun and i’m pushing myself and i’m going to have something really cool to show for it and my teacher is proud of me.

and as a result of that, i don’t want to do anything else, including my essay, which i’ve had three or four weeks to research and which is due at the same time as or before my project. and the anxiety part of my brain and the depression part of my brain are both going, “you don’t have enough time to do it, let alone do a good job -- better not.”

and i feel like i’m losing my ability to talk to people, even if it’s just responding

so, in summation: i can’t hear right, i can’t sleep, i can’t motivate myself, i can’t focus, i can’t pull myself away from the only thing that’s giving me a purpose right now, i can’t bear to think about something that will undoubtedly have major consequences if i don’t work on it, and i can’t talk

jazz hands

[corvidcorgi]

[corvidcorgi]

[corvidcorgi]

oh look it's a sudden and pointless urge to cry just so i'm relieving stress and exhausting myself until i can sleep

[corvidcorgi]

i am twitchy and tired and grumpy at nothing and everything and depressed and frustrated

[corvidcorgi]

i hate everything but most of all i hate sewing and my stupid fucking garbage piece of shit sewing machine and myself for getting hyped up about a project fucking yay

[corvidcorgi]

the importance of scheduling

techie/performer salt rant incoming (can't add a cut because of mobile) i patently refuse to feel guilty over breakdance club not having their lighting for tomorrow, despite what anxiety tells me. because i approached them three weeks ago and they said they didn't want/need lighting. they changed their mind yesterday night and said they'd provide a cue sheet and directions, because i wouldn't be able to watch them perform until final dress. now, i have no cue sheet and nothing to do during the free time that i was going to use to program (that i wasn't even supposed to have, there was a break in the schedule, so they got lucky). multiple people have asked me to work after school, even though i'm not free then and i am now. i'm not actually pissed about having more free time, but jesus. lighting takes more time than you think, guys, especially when i TRIED TO HELP YOU BEFORE.