Perfect
per·fect
Adjective /ˈpərfikt/
1. Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.
2. Absolute; complete (used for emphasis).
Nearea remembered reading the definition of the word softly to herself as she sat in her room, a large advanced copy of the dictionary in her lap, her brain retaining and automatically saving it. She had overheard an argument between her uncle Jumba and Jacinta, with him once again referring to her as ‘perfect’. At the age of 9 she had heard the word many times but had never really delved into the meaning of it.
Perfect. Was she really perfect? Raising her hands up to examine them, and then grabbing a piece of her hair up to her eyes to do the same, she noted that she looked quite ordinary. She certainly didn’t feel like she was different. But then again the book could have meant some other form other than appearance, physical maybe? She never got sick the way her sister did, so maybe that was what it meant.
But if not then why was her sister not considered perfect? She could do a lot of things she couldn’t. Sure Nearea could paint and it would be called lovely or beautiful, but Jacinta’s paintings were always so creative and full of wonder, they had a life to them that Nearea could never create. Jacinta had a way with people, she was a social butterfly and had a personality all her own that she lacked as well. The more and more she thought about the word and how it had come to somehow separate her and her sister, the more she hated it. Hate, she learned from her aunt’s Nani, Lilo and Pleakley, was a strong word. She had never hated anything before. But she hated the word perfect.
( Flash forward )
Nearea sat on her surfboard and looked out towards the sand,, one of her hands idly tracing over a series of tally marks that were scratched onto the surface of the board, the water rocking her up and down in a calm that she hadn’t expected. She had snuck out her window and grabbed her surfboard from the crawl space under the house and escaped to surf, but now had no waves. She had learned to surf from her uncle David and much like other things she pursued, she had mastered the art. Her enhancements had taken away her fathers weakness towards water, and from a young age she had developed a love for it. The way she saw it, the ocean and space were connected to each other, there could not be waves and currents without the moon; and the ocean like the vastness of space, was dark and deep with many beautiful mysteries.
Her thoughts rushed back to things that had happened that day, As per usual she had successfully distracted her uncle to allow her sister to escape the house for the day. Jacinta, of course didn’t know she did this, but she didn’t ever really expect her to and didn’t seek any reward from doing it either. Her uncle, after finding that her creation was successful, had begun to test her in various ways. Always pushing her to her limits. She ran the fastest but she had to go faster, she fought the best but she always there was always room to improve. Today although she could lift the most, she had to lift more, she had to.
She had successfully gotten through the beginning of her testing, the mechanical weights weighing down on her being pushed down with yet more and more pressure by the second. She had broken the last machine years ago but her uncle had made this one stronger, clearly. Her eyes furrowed up in focus at the bar above her, like most of her tests this was difficult, and it wasn’t until her fingers began to sweat and slide against the metal bar that she began to panic.
“Uncle, I..I can’t do it. Can we stop?” she asked nervously, her eyes frantically glancing over towards him as he watched her and jotted down notes. His response was quick and to the point, no, not yet..she could do it. she just had to focus.
It became a bit easier but no matter how much she focused and pushed, she knew that she wouldn’t be able to break this machine. She lost count of how long she had been there, how long she had been pushing before her arms felt strange. They were aching, burning, and now they had begun to shake. Allowing the bar to lower down towards her slowly. She had become aware of the sweat all over her body, covering her face and soaking through her clothes, but the wetness that streamed down her face and towards her ears brought her to the realization that she was crying.
Her chest heaved as she sobbed and pleaded, “P-please I c-can’t. It’s too h-heavy!”
The bar came down and made the slightest of contact with her neck, her arms managing to hold it off enough for her to cough and twist her neck in search of her uncle. Only to find that he wasn’t in his seat and allowing for panic to set in. She cried and pushed against the machine, the skin on her palms tearing as she refused to give up before she planted her feet firmly on the floor, twisting as the found a good position, and used her torso to push the bar up and off of her...a loud groan of bursting metal filling the lab as the machine broke.
“Perfect Nearea. That’s it for today,” Nearea could faintly make out as she rolled herself onto her knees and gasped for air, her hands clutching her neck protectively and pressed her soaked forehead to the cool floor.
Blinking Nearea brought herself back, her eyes scanning the empty beach. She was alone. Without much thought she gripped the board and swung one of her legs downward towards the water, flipping herself and the board over until she was submerged upside down in the water, looking at the fish that swam below.
Trying to hold her breath only resulted in her throat burning after what had happened earlier. She blinked as her mind flashed brief memories at her, tormenting her. Her sister, coming home that day and ignoring her angrily after she had tried to spend time with her. Her cousins acting awkard towards her when she tried to hang out with them and Jacinta earlier that week. Vesper not having time to speak with her and having to leave before she could vent to him. Her father frowning as she told him about how her uncle was being mean towards her and telling her that he had to be doing it for a reason, that he loved her and them, to give him some slack. And her uncle calling her perfect.
Is that what being perfect is? I hate it, I don’t want to be perfect. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate me. No one needs me
As she came to this realization, Nearea gave up trying to hold her breath, she closed her eyes and opened her mouth letting the water beginning to feel her mouth and lungs.
Just like when she was up on the surface, she was alone. She felt so alone. She tried so hard to be there for everyone, but no one ever really made time for her did they? They didn’t have to. She was perfect, she could do things for herself, handle anything. No one really needed her. If she were gone, her father would still have Jacinta and Vesper.
Jacinta and Vesper. Who would distract her uncle from bothering and fighting with Jacinta. She’d never have the chance to leave the house. Or worse, she would run away like she always said she would. Who would listen to Vesper when he couldn’t take the guilt of what he was forced to do, who would hear his fears and make him feel strong again. Who would reassure her father that everything was alright when her sister refused to speak with him. Who would be there for them. What would happen to them.
Nearea let go of her grip on the board and swam up in desperation for air, taking deep rasping breaths as she flung herself over the board.
She had paddled herself back onto shore and walked her way home. As much as she hated herself, she hated the thought of the ones she loved in pain or sorrow more. She wouldn’t abandon them. She couldn’t. Resting her board against the side of the house she changed into her alien form, one of her hands finding the tally marks and adding a mark to the board. From inside the house she could hear a commotion and the vague sound of one of her cousins asking if they had seen her anywhere. Hiding the board back in its place she changed forms and took a deep breath. Her thoughts going back to her favorite things and happier thoughts.
Giving herself a nod and stretch she entered the house. The smile on her face hiding any trace of what she truly felt inside. Those thoughts were pressed deep inside her, they would never know, she would never let them, they would never ask. Because of course why would there be anything wrong? She was Nearea. She was perfect.